母亲外出之夜

好
Okay-
该写博客了
It's blog time.
我是妈妈博客 我是妈妈博客
I am a mommy blogger. I am a mommy blogger.
网友准备好 金玉良言来了
Get ready, world, for some pearls of wisdom, coming at you right now.
好了
So here we go!
我有三个粉丝
I got three followers.
昨天有四个 真是太棒了
Yesterday I had four, so that's awesome.
网友在等我了
My audience awaits.
清晨五点 你知道你的小孩在哪里吗
It's 5:00 a.m. Do you know where your children are?
我的在床上
Mine are in bed.
我应该躺在床上 今天是母亲节
I should be in bed. It's Mother's Day.
但我没有 想知道原因吗
But I'm not. Wanna know why?
因为我有洁癖 我是洁癖狂
Because I'm a clean freak! I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch.
如果你把我关进 精神病院的白色病房♥里
If you were to lock me away in a white room, in a straitjacket,
我会感觉很舒服
it would actually feel comforting.
只要四面墙一尘不染 没人穿鞋进来
As long as the walls were spotless and nobody wore shoes.
我能感觉到房♥子变脏
I can actually feel the house getting dirty.
好像地毯是我的神经末梢
Like I have nerve endings in the carpet.
这影响到我 想知道怎样影响吗
And it affects me. Wanna know how?
第一 我感觉心神不定
First, I feel distracted.
"心神不定"
"Distracted."
心...神怎么写...
D-I-S... What was I...
看吧 就像现在
So, see, like right now,
危险 避免孩童接触
我想到放在外面的清洁用品
I'm thinking of the cleaning supplies I left out
有个小孩会拿到漂白剂 整瓶喝下去
and how one of the kids is gonna get up and drink Clorox
然后我得连络毒物控制中心 他们会说
and then I'd end up having to call Poison Control, and they'd say,
"抱歉 菲尔太太
"Sorry, Mrs. Field,
这个月太多次"就把我的小孩带走
too many times this month." And take my kids away.
这个月太多次 菲尔太太
Too many times this month, Ms. Field.
我们要带走你的小孩
We're here to take your children away.
我都想好了
I've played it all out.
我相信你都想好了
I'm sure you've played this all out.
有点病态
Which is kind of morbid.
心神不定后 我感觉到焦虑
After I feel distracted, I feel stressed.
焦虑
然后我会爆发
Then I have a moment.
然后...我会
像焦虑
焦虑
分心
爆发
妈
Mom!
妈妈
Mommy!
我在和爸爸说话
I am talking to Daddy!
这是我"爆发"的样子
这是我对女儿爆发的样子
This is me having a moment with my daughter.
西恩
老婆 关于压力程度的事
Hon, about the stress level.
-怎样 -有点高
-What? -Well, it's a little high.
-你刚的失常行为...-你说我有精神病吗
-The kind of psycho thing you just did... -Did you just call me psycho?
-没有 -你说我是疯子吗
-No!No.No.No. -Did you just call me psycho?
是有点精神病
It was a little psycho.
这是我对无辜新婚夫妻 爆发的样子
This is me having a moment with some helpless newlyweds.
我们只想说恭喜
We just wanted to say congratulations!
好好享受人生这段时光
And savor this moment in your life!
所以当我开始说话 我以为会有帮助
So when I started to speak, I thought it would help.
但后来我说到欲罢不能
But then the words just started coming out of me like lava.
因为新婚的甜蜜
Because you're gonna blink, seriously, like, blink
很快就会结束 变成小孩的哭闹吵叫声...
and it's all gonna be over and replaced with just volume, like...
-妈 -小孩的可爱声音...
-Mom! -Amazing, amazing beautiful volume...
你看 你看她脸上的表情
Look at that. Look at that look on her face.
那是女孩童话故事人生 破灭的表情
That's the look of a girl whose fairytale just ended.
是我扼杀的 我是童话故事杀手
I murdered it. I am a fairytale murderer.
不久你就会情绪崩溃
You can only take so much before you crack!
-别骂我 -好
-Doni -No.
我像是全职妈妈浩克
I'm like the Bruce Banner of stay-at-home moms.
他也不想变成浩克 事情就发生了
He doesn't want to turn into the Hulk. It just happens.
老公
我
这就是我的心情
Which is exactly how I feel.
我爱我的小孩
I love my kids.
我爱我的老公 我的休旅车超好用
I love my husband. My minivan, my minivan is awesome.
我拥有这种美好的人生
I have this incredible life.
为什么我会这么焦虑
So, why do I feel this way?
妈
Mom!
妈
Mom!
妈妈
Mommy!
惊喜 我们帮你炒好蛋了
Surprise! We made you eggs!
有加糖
With sugar!
母亲节快乐
Mother's happy day!
这是我忍♥住
尽量别恐慌
发作的样子
我应该高兴 他们做早餐给我吃
I should be happy that they're making me breakfast.
但我只看见沙门氏菌 到处都是
Instead, all I see is salmonella. Salmonella everywhere.
地板 梳理台 小孩身上 我有沙门氏菌恐惧症
On the floor, on the counter, on my children. I'm a salmonella-phobe.
上星期芭比掉进蛋汁里 我把芭比烧掉
Last week this happened to a doll and I burned it!
我不知道 那是贝莉最喜欢的娃娃
Okay, so I didn't realize that that was Bailey's favorite doll,
我很后悔
and I do feel bad about that.
我们来玩一个小游戏 大家不准动
We're gonna play a little game! Everybody freeze!
贝克 不行 不准放进...
Beck, no. Do not put that...
不行 他要吃了
Oh, no. No, no, he's gonna eat it.
他会把那个放进嘴里
He'll put that in his mouth and become
变成第四百个
one of the estimated 400 people
死于急性沙门氏菌中毒的人
that die from acute salmonella poisoning,
我在某个博客读过 好 我得走了
which I read about on a blog somewhere. Yeah, okay. I gotta go.
不准把手指放进...
Do not put that finger in your...
你好 请问菲尔家 这是
Hello, may Field's residence, please?
你应该这样说
Well, how about you try,
"这是菲尔家 请问你要找哪位"
"This is the Fields' residence. How may I help you?"
爸爸
Daddy!
妈妈在家吗
Hey, is Mommy there?
妈 电♥话♥
Mom! Phone!
肺活量真大
Wow.
贝莉 我在楼上
Bailey, I'm up here!
贝克 贝克
Beck? Beck?
是爸爸
Here's Daddy.
你好 老婆
Hello? Hey, hon.
西恩 拜托告诉我 你要搭机回家了
Sean, please tell me you're on a flight right now.
今天是母亲节 母亲节快乐 应该先说这件事
It's Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. That's where we should have started.
好 谢谢 我...我要你搭机是因为...
Yes, thank you. Fine. I just... Why I need you on a flight...
-没关系 -老公
-That's all right. -Yes, baby.
-三班飞机被取消 -妈妈 我画这个给你
-They canceled three flights on me. -Mommy, I made you this.
航♥空♥公♥司♥在处理了 我订到直飞班机 你在听吗
The airlines are taking care of it. I got a direct flight. Hello?
你画这个送给我吗
You made this for me?
-想知道为什么你这么大吗 -为什么
-You wanna know why you're so big? -Why?
因为你最爱我们
Because you love us the most of everybody.
爸爸在哪里
Where's Daddy?
在天上的飞机里 他每次都在搭飞机
Up in the plane in the sky, where he always is.
好伤心 那样不对
Ouch. That's not right.
妈 贝克又在玩马桶
Mom! Beck's playing in the toilet again!
不行 不准玩马桶
No, no, no. Not the potty. Not the potty! Not the potty!
没事
It's fine.
贝克
Beck!
西恩 我没辙了
Sean, I don't know.
我再也不想庆祝母亲节了
I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna celebrate Mother's Day ever again.
你为什么要那样说
Why would you say that?
因为我是烂妈妈
Because I am terrible at this, in every single way.
不要庆祝我
So just do not celebrate me!
什么 别这样
What? Come on.
你是很棒的妈妈
You are an awesome mom.
小孩本来就会玩得脏兮兮
The kids are messy, you know. Kids get messy.
我没有地方画画 就把剩下的画在墙上
I ran out of space, so I did the rest on the wall.
墙上 她在墙上乱画吗
On the wall? She's writing on the wall?
她用哪种麦克笔 擦得掉的那种吗 你在听吗
What kind of markers is she using? The come-off kind? Hello?
你有小孩吗 想要我的吗
You got kids? Want mine?