凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

打断了那个神经学家 他说…
To the urologist guy, he goes, "I just got one question.
“我只有一个问题 我什么时候能再次开车？”
-When can I drive again?" -[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
我真的觉得医生…
And I really thought the doctor--
因为这么说也无妨
'cause it wouldn't be bad to go, "Well, you know,
“你知道 这需要观察”
it's a wait-and-see situation." Something so simple like that, right?
就这么简单的回答 对吧？
不 他说：“麦迪根先生
No. He goes, "Well, Mr. Madigan,
等你感觉好些了 我们可以试试”
you know, when you're feeling better, we can give that a chance."
[laughter]
到时候我们都会很难办 对吧？
We're all gonna be stuck with that, right?
因为我爸很兴奋 他转身说
'Cause my dad's so excited, he turns around and he goes,
“瞧 我早就跟你们说了”
"See? I told you guys. Just 'cause I can't feel my left side--
“就因为我左半身没反应… 可我又不用左半身开车”
-I don't drive with my left side." -[laughter]
“我用右脚和右半身开车”
"I drive with my right foot and my right side.
“你妈倒是两脚并用
Now, your mom drives with both feet,
所以她开车你们就会想吐
and that's why you want to vomit if you ride with your mom.
因为有很多…”
-'Cause there's a lot of this…" -[laughter]
你感觉 “哇”
You're like, wow. I go, "Where do you want to drive to, Dad,
我说：“如果可以 你想开车去哪 爸爸？”
-if you could drive?" "Florida." -[laughter]
“佛罗里达”
他们喜欢佛罗里达
They love Florida. And they did-- they drove every year, come hell or high water.
他们去过 每年都去 风雨无阻
然后他们到了80岁 就奇怪了
And then, as they got over 80, it got weird.
几年前的一个九月他们打来电♥话♥
Like, they called a couple of years ago in September
说：“我们要开车去佛罗里达”
and said, "We're driving to Florida." I go, "You guys,
我说：“要有飓风了”
“天气频道都在播 三♥级♥飓风”
there's a hurricane coming. It's all over the Weather Channel.
It's like a Cat Three." My dad goes,
我爸说：“你不是真信那些鬼话吧？”
"You're not gonna tell me you believe that shit, do you?"
[laughter]
“天气？嗯 我信”
"Weather? Yeah, I do. Science? Yeah, I do."
“科学？嗯 我信”
他说：“那我们也要去”
And he goes, "Well, we're going," and he hung up the phone.
他就挂电♥话♥了
我有六个兄弟姐妹
I have six siblings. I'm like, "Well, I don't want
我心想 “我可不想独自承担这条信息”
to be the only one that has this information."
我们有个家庭群 里面有27个人
So, we have a family thread, and there's, like, 27 people on it.
如果你激活这个群
And if you choose to activate that, you gotta be ready.
就得准备好 因为消息一整天都不会停
'Cause it's just gonna be all day-- pew! pew! pew! pew!
然后所有人都有话说 说起来就不停 再也静不下来了
Everybody's got something to say.
Nobody can shut up and just be quiet.
于是我想 “好吧 就这样”
So, I thought, well, okay. Like, it doesn't even matter.
无所谓了
你可以发一个无意义的单词
You could just write a word on there that means nothing.
发一条 “蓝色” 就会开启这场对话
Just write the color "blue." That would start it.
“对厨房♥来说 蓝色就是狗屎”
"Well, that is a shitty color for a kitchen.
“你在考虑在厨房♥使用蓝色吗？”
Were you thinking about that in your kitchen?"
[laughter]
“谁发的那句‘狗屎’？”
"Who wrote 'shit' on here? There's kids on this thread.
“群里有孩子 不要在这里说脏话”
Stop cussing on this thread."
然后我妈妈插嘴了
And then my mom chimed in, "Thanks, Monica.
“谢谢 莫妮卡 我很期待椅子瑜伽”
I was looking forward to chair yoga."
[laughter]
于是我说：“谁是莫妮卡？”
So, I wrote, "Who's Monica?"
[laughter]
我妹妹说
My sister said, "Mom is on wrong thread. Ignore."
“妈妈发错群了 忽略那条”
[laughter]
然后有人发：“能把我踢出去吗？”
And somebody wrote, "Can I please be removed from this thread?"
[laughter]
其他人回复 “自己退出吧 傻瓜”
And somebody else wrote back, "Remove yourself, dumbass."
[laughter]
然后又有人说 “不行 因为绿头像那个混♥蛋♥？”
And then somebody wrote, "You can't, because who's the asshole in green?"
[laughter]
-[cheering] -[Kathleen laughing]
我估计 在苹果手♥机♥群里…
I guess on an iPhone thread-- I have an Android,
因为我用安卓手♥机♥ 所以在部分苹果机型上 我就是绿色
and I show up in green type on some of the iPhones.
但我不明白的是 我问过我弟弟
But here's what I didn't know. And I asked my younger brother, I go,
“他们没法退出真的是因为我吗？”
"Is it true they can't leave because I'm involved?"
他说：“是的 凯瑟琳”
And he goes, "Yeah, Kathleen.
“如果苹果用户发帖 且涉及安卓用户
If an iPhone person starts a thread and they involve an Android person,
就没人能离开这个群”
no one is allowed to leave the thread."
[laughter]
我这辈子第一次 感觉自己有这么大权力
It was the most powerful I ever felt in my life.
我心想 “好极了！”
-I'm like, yes! -[laughter and applause]
“好极了！”
Yes! No one will be leaving until I say so!
“我不同意谁也别想退出”
我设立了退出机制
-[laughter] -I've drawn up the drawbridge.
最后我写道：“我想跟大家说一下
And I finally wrote, I go, "Look, I'm just letting you know
爸妈说他们要开车去佛罗里达
Mom and Dad said they're driving to Florida, and there's a hurricane coming."
以及飓风要来了”
于是我兄弟打电♥话♥来了
And so, my brother calls, he goes, "I can't believe
“不敢相信你没做点什么阻止他们”
you didn't do anything to stop that."
“你觉得我该怎么做呢 帕特？”
"What would you imagine, Pat?
“我站在他们车后面喊 ‘别去佛罗里达？’”
Me, like, standing behind their car going,
'Don't go to Florida, don't go to Florida'?
“首先 他们聋了所以听不到我的话”
First of all, they wouldn't have heard me 'cause they're deaf.
“他们会倒车碾过我 撞死我”
They would've just backed over me, run over me, killed me.
“现在即使撞到东西 他们也不会停车了”
And now when they hit things, they don't stop anymore.
“他们就继续开 都不在乎什么破坏”
They just keep going. They don't even care about damage.
“他们都不在乎了”
They don't care at all anymore.
“我就死在私家车道上了”
And then I would be dead in the driveway.
“谁也不会注意到 直到我缺席另一座城市的演出”
No one would notice till I didn't show up in another town.
“然后你会在《日界线》上出镜
And then you would get to be on Dateline with Keith Morrison
并跟基思莫里森见面”
and meet Keith Morrison."
[laughter]
他说：“我觉得他们到家时 我们该谈谈”
He goes, "Well, I think when they get home, we should have a talk--
“做一次家庭谈话 拿走爸爸的钥匙”
a family talk about taking Dad's keys away."
我说：“我愿意参加你的家庭谈话
I go, "I would love to attend your talk…"
[laughter]
但得是你告诉爸爸你要拿走他的钥匙
"…where you tell Dad you're taking his keys away.
因为我做不到”
'Cause I-- I can't do it."
我爸是这么对待我爷爷的 就是他自己的父亲
I saw-- he did it to my grandpa, his own dad.
但他不得不那么做 因为我爷爷…
But he had to, 'cause my grandpa, he was a pretty good driver.
他开车技术不错
但有一天 他87岁时
But one day, when he was 87, he hit the same man twice in one day.
他一天两次撞到了同一个人
你就想 “哦”
-We were like, "Oh…" -[laughter]
那你就不能再开车了 爷爷
"That gets you ejected, Grandpa." He…
他在岸边撞到一次 然后又在丹尼餐厅撞了一次
He hit him at the bank, and then he hit him at Denny's.
他们早晨的日常活动是一样的
Like, they had the same morning routine.
[laughter]
但我说：“你忘了 帕特
But I said, "You forget, Pat--
就因为他们都老了 不意味着这招有效”
just 'cause they're old doesn't mean that's gonna work either.
“这招对爷爷没用”
It didn't work with Grandpa. Dad went up,
“我爸起床后开走了爷爷的凯迪拉克 拿着他的车钥匙就走了”
took his Cadillac, took his keys, he left.
“当天晚上 我爷爷叫了出租车
The same night, my grandpa called a taxi, went down to the Cadillac dealership,
到凯迪拉克经销商那里 给自己买♥♥了一台新凯迪拉克”
-bought himself a new Cadillac." -[laughter]
“他打电♥话♥给我 说第二天
He called me and said the next day,
想不想来看我的新车？”
"Want to come over and see my new car?" "Absolutely."
“当然想”
[laughter]
“装作不知情 别告诉你♥爸♥”
"Dummy up. Don't tell your dad about it." I said, "Not a word."
我说：“绝对保密”
我就去了 那车真漂亮
And I got over there-- it was a beautiful car--
他说：“那辆开了八年 我厌倦了”
and he goes, "That other one was eight-years-old. I was tired of it.
“买♥♥了这辆车回家后
And after I got home from buying this car,
我把自己剩余的钱和财物都算上 凯瑟琳
I added up all my money and stuff in the world, Kathleen.
我还能这么干四次”
-And I can do this four more times." -[laughter]
如果你父亲 想这么对待自己要继承的遗产 他…
"If this is the game your dad wants to play with his inheritance, he…"
[laughter and applause]
他最后就只会在自家后院
"…he's just gonna end up with a used-car lot
收获一堆旧凯迪拉克
-of Cadillacs in his front yard." -[laughter]
我就说：“帕特 别拿走他的钥匙”
I'm like, "Yeah, you're not gonna get his keys away, Pat.
“他们想开车去佛罗里达 让他去吧”
They want to drive to Florida, let them go to Florida."
中西部老年人喜欢佛罗里达
They love-- old Midwest people love Florida.
我说 “你们去那干什么啊？”
I'm like, "What are y'all doing down here?"
白天喝大酒 这我支持
It's a lot of day drinking, which I support.
如果我想…对
-And if I want-- yes! -[cheering]
如果我不必晚上工作 我也可以喝到疯癫
And if I didn't have to work at night, oh, it could get crazy.
我能想象自己的模样 “因为我有酗酒问题”
I could just see, 'cause I'm like, maybe I have a drinking problem.
但我其实在想的是老年人
But I actually thought that with old people.
“也许我从没这么认真想过”
I'm like, maybe. I've really never thought that seriously.
好吧 有一次…
Well, one time-- I'll tell you that story before I get out of here.
结束前我给你们讲讲这个故事
但我想感谢所有到场的人们
But I did want to say thank you
收听我的播客的人们 名字叫《麦迪根的酒客》