凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

女士们先生们
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage my dear friend,
欢迎我亲爱的朋友登场 有请凯瑟琳麦迪根！
Kathleen Madigan!
凯瑟琳麦迪根：家庭群
[cheers and applause]
[rock music playing]
你好 密尔沃基
Hello, Milwaukee!
Wow!
[cheers and applause]
好的
你们听起来棒极了
Well, you guys sound awesome. This has been a fun little trip.
这趟旅程不远 但很有意思
上次我来这住酒店
The last time I was here, the hotel I was staying at,
刚好玫琳凯正在酒店里办会展
they were actually having a Mary Kay convention.
我知道 我当时想 “真的吗？还在这么搞吗？”
-[laughter] -I know!
I was like, "Really? Are we still doing that?"
就像我…
Like, I… I thought that kind of went away.
我以为那种东西已经消失了 就像爱用特百惠的玫琳奶奶
Like Tupperware, Mary… No. No.
不
一辆又一辆的粉色凯迪拉克
Pink Cadillac after pink Cadillac. I was like, "Oh, my God."
我心想“天啊” 然后我进了电梯
And then I got in the elevator with three of these women.
这些女人非常兴奋
They were so excited. And I said, "Wow,
我说 “这玫琳凯似乎比我以为的更兴奋”
this Mary Kay seems to be a little more exciting than I would've thought."
这位女士就说：“宝贝
And the lady goes, "Baby,
there ain't nothin' higher than Mary Kay and Jesus!"
没有什么可以高于玫琳凯和耶稣”
[laughter]
我就想 哇 他只能排第二
I was like, "Wow, he came in second…"
[laughter]
排在润肤膏后面
"…to moisturizer! That's fantastic!"
好棒
[laughter]
我喜欢到中西部地区 我就来自这里
I love being in the Midwest. I'm from the Midwest.
我只想说作为拓荒者
And I would just like to point out, as pioneer people,
我们曾是半途而废者
we were quitters.
我们…
We started strong and then we gave up somewhere in the middle.
起初我们强大
然后我们中途放弃了
对 因为 想想吧
Yeah. 'Cause I think about it, like, when I go to Washington and Oregon,
当我去华盛顿州和俄勒冈州 有的建筑标明1837年
and there's buildings that say "1837."
我就想 “哇 有人建造了它”
I'm like, "Wow, somebody made it."
“有人离开北卡罗来纳 或弗吉尼亚来到…”
Like, somebody left North Carolina or Virginia to--
我就绝不会离开那些州
like, I would've never left those states. I don't get it.
我搞不懂 那些地方那么棒那么美
They're so nice and beautiful.
我不想踏入黑暗之境 里面有熊
And, yeah, I don't wanna go in the darkness where there's bears
我们坐在马车里 也没有地图或手♥机♥
and we don't have maps or phones in a wagon.
不
No, no, no, no, no.
但然后我想 如果我是妻子 我只能跟着走 对吧？
But then I think if I was the wife,
I would've had to have gone, right?
然后我会幻想
And then I fantasize about what state I would've killed him in…
我会在哪个州杀了他…
[laughter]
在这段路上 对吧？
…on the trip, right?
如果你对我的幻想感到好奇 是在爱荷华州
It's Iowa, in case you're wondering what my fantasy is.
[some cheers and laughter]
得梅因以南不远 不是我针对那里
Just a little south of Des Moines. And that's nothing personal.
就是在爱荷华州 没有山丘、树枝或高山挡住那种风
It's just there's not a hill or a twig or a mound to block that wind in Iowa,
我这辈子从没冷成那样
and I have never been that cold in my life.
如果我是拓荒女人 我就会坐在那辆马车里
And I thought if I was that pioneer lady,
I would've just sat in that wagon loading that musket
整天给火枪装弹♥药♥
-all day long. -[laughter]
等他回来睡着 然后…
Waiting for him to come back and fall asleep,
and I just… [rifle shot sound]
我会把他推下马车 回到北卡罗来纳州
Then, I would've rolled him out of the wagon
and gone right back to North Carolina
然后来一句 “嘿 我回来了”
and went, "Hey, I'm back! Isn't that great?
“这不挺好吗？他？我不想再多说了”
Him? I don't want to talk about it. It was very tragic.
“很惨 不说了”
-Not talking about it." -[laughter]
所以这些人走了那么远 那是…
Those people made it that far. That's what's so stunning.
我想放弃…
And I think quitting… Like, we were the quitters,
我们是半途而废者 我觉得这是个好主意
and I think that was a good idea.
人们总是说 “永不放弃 别放弃你的梦想”
People always say, "Oh, never quit. Don't give up on your dreams."
不 有时意识到你做了个愚蠢决定
No. Sometimes realize you've made a horrible goddamn decision
就此打住
and stop it. Just stop it while you can.
趁还来得及 就此打住
因为比如说你到了爱荷华州 或密苏里州 我就来自那里
'Cause let's say you made it to Iowa or Missouri, where I'm from.
你猜下一站是哪里？
Guess what's next-- Kansas and Nebraska.
堪萨斯州和内布拉斯加州
天啊 坐在马车里
-[laughter] -Oh, my God. In a wagon.
坐车里我都不爱“坐”呢
-I don't wanna do it in a car. -[laughter]
他们坐在马车里
And they did it in a wagon.
堪萨斯州 当你离开堪萨斯城时
I mean, Kansas-- when you leave Kansas City,
有一块巨大的广♥告♥牌写着
there's an enormous billboard that says, "There will be nothing
“前方三万公里都是不毛之地”
-for, like, 20,000 miles." -[laughter]
“话题标签：振作起来”
Hashtag, "get your shit together."
“话题标签：不开玩笑”
Hashtag, "not kidding." They're not kidding.
他们没开玩笑
-[laughter] -It's a serious thing. There's nothing.
这是认真的 一无所有
你一直穿过堪萨斯州 一无所有
You keep going through Kansas, through Kansas--
nothing, nothing, nothing.
然后突然之间
And then out of nowhere, there's a toll booth…
有一处收费亭 里面有一位女士
-[laughter] -…and a lady working in it.
-[laughter] -Wow!
我就想 “你住哪？地球里面吗？”
I'm like, "Where do you live? Like, in the earth?
“晚上你会带着那些硬币 钻到地底下吗？”
-Do you…" -[laughter]
"Do you go down at night with the coins?"
我完全不知道这位女士…
-I don't have any idea how this lady… -[laughter]
对 然后我问她 “女士 我从没这么做过”
Yeah. And I asked her, I go, "Ma'am, I would never do this,
“但我好奇 如果我不付钱给你
but I was just wondering what would happen
if I didn't pay you
冲过那道门 继续开会怎样？”
and I just rammed that gate and just kept driving?"
她说：“我不知道 但我知道
She goes, "Well, I don't know, ma'am.
But I know you would never be allowed to drive through the state of Kansas again."
你会被禁止再次驶入堪萨斯州”
[laughter]
我就想 “你最好换个威胁方式”
I'm like, "Well, you should think of a different threat."
[laughter]
[Kathleen chuckling]
然后我想有人做到了
And then I think some people made it. They made it to Montana.
他们到了蒙大拿州 有多少人在路上死去了？
And how many people died on the way? It was just awful!
就很可怕
所以我觉得到2025年
That's why I think in, like, the year 2025, um, if you can prove--
如果你能证明 如果你在怀俄明州
蒙大拿州或某个超级美的地方
if you're in Wyoming or Montana or somewhere that's super beautiful
你能证明你的某位亲戚 是坐着马车到那里的
and you can prove that one of your relatives arrived in a wagon,
我觉得法律应该允许 你对新来的人开枪
I think legally you should be able to shoot new people.
对
-[laughter] -Yep.
就像是中西部的捕鹿证 就是随机选择的问题
Like a deer tag in the Midwest, it's just a lottery thing.
有人坐着私人飞机来
Yep, somebody shows up in a private jet? [rifle shot sound] Just one.
就一个
[laughter]
就是这样 这看起来不公平
That's that. It doesn't seem fair.
我觉得我们中西部的半途而废者很好
I like that we're quitters in the Midwest. Like, my family quit in St. Louis.
比如我们家是在圣路易斯放弃的
我觉得他们穿越了密西西比河
I think they got across the Mississippi and went,
然后想 “坐下来 这是我们要生活的地方”
-"Sit down. This is where we're living." -[laughter]
这很荒谬
"That was ridiculous. We can't go back.
我们没法回去了
八人溺亡 老天爷啊 我们没法…
Eight people drowned, for God's sake. We can't…"
如果那边还有大河怎么办？
[laughter]
"What if there's another one right over there?
这还好 真的还好
This is fine. It's absolutely fine. Just sit.
我们会尽力而为
-We'll make the best of it." -[laughter]
所以我觉得中西部的人们不会…
That's why I really think, like, people in the Midwest…
其他州很有本地自豪感
I don't know. Other states have such state pride.
比如得克萨斯州 “哇哦！”
Like Texas-- "Whoo!"
加利福尼亚州 “我决不会离开 我爱这里 比如…”
California-- "I'm never leaving. I love it!"
你问中西部地区的人们 “你喜欢你生活的地方吗？”
Like, you ask people in the Midwest, "Oh, how do you like where you live?"
我们就说：“你知道的…”
We're like, "Well, you know…"
[laughter]
“不错 对 不错”
"It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.
“我们当初差不多是在这停下 我们在这停下”
It's where we stopped, pretty much. It's where we stopped."
[laughter]
我感觉中西部
And I feel like-- I feel like the Midwest, like…
我在加州的朋友们不懂
My friends in California or wherever, they don't get it.
他们说 “你们没有沙滩或海洋 什么都没有”
They're like, "You guys don't have beaches or oceans or nothing.
“你们有什么？”
I mean, really, what do you have?"
我就回答：“停车场”
-I'm like, "Parking. We…" -[laughter]
我们…
[Kathleen laughing] Pew!
我们有数不清的停车场
-"We have a shit ton of parking. Um…" -[laughter]
对 我们有很多连环杀手
"Yeah, we have an inordinate amount of serial killers and…"
在酒吧里会让你保持警觉
[laughter]
"That'll keep you on your toes at a bar, you know what I mean?
你明白我的意思吗？
不要随便跟人讲话