凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

Don't just talk to everybody.
就因为他们有威斯康星口音
Just because they have the Wisconsin accent
不意味着他们就是好人
doesn't necessarily mean they're good people.
你得喝几杯再说
-You gotta go through some beers." -[laughter]
但他们大多数都来自中西部北方地区
Most of them, though, are from the northern Midwest,
我觉得这要怪北方的冬天 太长了
and I blame that on the winters up here.
They're just too long, and it's too long to be that cold.
那么冷 还那么长
你坐在公♥寓♥里 也不会频繁活动
And I think you sit in your apartment. You don't leave often enough.
你就开始胡思乱想
And then you start thinking weird shit like,
比如 “我好奇如果我吃掉这座楼的所有人
"You know, I wonder what it would be like…
会是什么样子
and how long it would take anyone to notice…
多久会被别人发现？”
if I ate everyone in the building."
比如…
-[laughter] -Like… [Kathleen laughing]
对
[cheers and applause]
我们不是很有觉醒意识
We're not very woke. I don't feel like the Midwest is woke.
我觉得中西部并没有觉醒
但反过来我也不大喜欢另一种看法 认为我们在沉睡
But I also don't like the opposing idea that we're asleep.
我们没有在沉睡
We're not asleep, either. We're like an old dog
我们就像是沙发上的老狗 睁一只眼小睡
on a couch taking a nap with one eye open.
我们还是能咬你
Like, we can still bite you.
我们就是对你的麻烦不太感兴趣
We just really aren't interested in whatever your problems are.
我们宁可小睡 也不想参与其中
We'd really rather just take a nap. We're not getting involved.
[laughter]
我确实有些觉醒的朋友
I do have some woke friends, though.
归根结底他们高估了自己的觉醒程度
But I'm always really surprised, at the end of the day,
这总是让我感到惊讶
how they're not woke.
Like, they think they are.
最经典是哈里和梅根上《奥普拉秀》
The biggest one ever was when Harry and Meghan went on Oprah
说王室刻薄、不近人情且种族歧视
and said that the Royal Family was mean, distant, and racist.
至少这是他们所暗指的地方
That was their implication, at the very least.
然后我所有觉醒的朋友的反应是 “你能相信吗？”
And then all my woke friends were like, "[gasp] Can you believe that?
“他们是种族主义者？”
That they were, like, racist?"
对
Yeah. Yeah, I mean…
我想说…
[laughter]
住在城♥堡♥里的老白人让你意外
You're surprised that the old white people in the castle,
还是住在那座城♥堡♥…
-the castle… -[laughter]
你觉得他们 是怎么他妈获得那座城♥堡♥的？
How do you think they got the fucking castle?
作为一个群体…他们不是特别友善
-They're… -[laughter]
-…not super friendly as a group. -[laughter]
[Kathleen chuckling]
我觉得我们不是特别有文化
I don't think we're super cultural. Um, and that's fine with me.
没关系 小时候我从没这么想过
Like, I didn't think about it growing up.
我有表亲在华盛顿特区长大
Except, I had cousins who grew up in Washington, D.C.,
他们曾来家里团聚
and they came back for the family reunion. It was, like, in eighth grade.
当时我八年级 他们说 “在华盛顿特区郊游
And they were like, "Oh, for our field trip in D.C.,
我们去的是史密森尼 遇到了一位宇航员”
we got to go to the Smithsonian, and we met an astronaut,
“我们去了福特剧院 参观了亚伯拉罕林肯中枪的地方”
and then we got to go to Ford's Theater to see where Abraham Lincoln got shot."
我心想 “听起来棒极了”
I was like, "Oh, that sounds awesome.
而我们在圣路易斯
We, again, in St. Louis, fourth year in a row,
曾连续四年参观酿酒厂
got to go to the brewery, and…"
然后…
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
-[cheers and applause] -Boom!
我遇到了一匹克莱兹代尔马
"I met a Clydesdale. I mean, he's not an astronaut,
它不是宇航员 但它叫斯坦
but his name's Stan, and he's too short for the actual commercials.
它太矮了 没法用于商业用途
所以它现在更像是宠物了
-So, he's more of a petting animal now." -[laughter]
我写了一篇论文
"And I wrote a paper on why you get more of a hangover
讨论相比百威淡啤 为何百威啤酒更容易让你宿醉
from Budweiser than you do Bud Light."
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
那还是一所天主教学校 我们…
And that was a Catholic school. We…
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
那些修女没法让我们按时上大巴
Those nuns couldn't get us on that bus fast enough.
直接去安海斯布希
Right down to Anheuser-Busch.
考虑到我的年龄 我那时候修女还当老师呢
And I'm actually old enough that I had nuns that were teachers.
现在已经没有了
There's none anymore. There's no nuns. Like, none…
没有修女老师了 一个也没有
这不是玩双关啊
Like, no pun intended.
我外甥女和外甥读的是天主教学校 他们那里没有修女
But my nieces and nephews go to Catholic school; they don't have any nuns.
我总跟我妈争吵
And that's why I was-- I always argue with my mom.
因为我妈觉得 “天主教教会不该改变
'Cause my mom's like, "The Catholic Church should not change
或是随风倒”
and just bend with the will of the wind, and we should remain…"
“我们应该保持…”
我就说：“妈妈 我们会按你说的做”
I'm like, "Okay, we'll do it your way, Mom,
“但我们没修女可用”
but we're running out of… Nobody's signing up to be a nun.
“在美国 没人愿意去当修女了”
“你可以去贫困国家 用一个汉堡骗某位女士当修女”
Not in this country. I mean, you can trick a lady
in a poor country with a hamburger. She'll sign up.
“她会报名 但…”
-But…" -[laughter]
这是真的 没人愿意报名了
-It's true. -[laughter]
"No one's signing up. And you know what, Mom?
也许这是因为我们不够灵活
Maybe it's because we're not flexible. Maybe the Catholic Church…
也许我们可以做些调整 我不是说全都改了
Maybe we could just make some adjustments. I'm not saying change the whole thing.
只是做些调整
Just some adjustments. Like, you know, you're asking…
比如 你要去…
做修女 你就得承诺做一辈子
To be a nun, you have to sign up for life.
妈妈 Z世代都不愿意在周五工作
Mom, Gen Z won't work on Fridays. Like, I don't…"
比如 我不…
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
他们这样很好 如果你能做到 我同意
And good for them. If you can get away with it, I agree.
但也许我们可以放松限制…
But I'm saying, "Maybe if we lighten the restraints on that.
比如不要说…
Like, instead of saying, you know…
告诉Z世代
And you're gonna tell Gen Zers you're gonna marry an invisible man?"
“你会嫁给一个看不见摸不着的男人
因为你做了修女就得嫁给耶稣”
'Cause you gotta marry Jesus when you become a nun.
现在 我的年长的女性朋友会说
Now, my older girlfriends would be like, "Oh, he's invisible? This is awesome!
“看不到他？这棒极了”
“我还需要做什么？”
Like, what else do I have to do?
“免费房♥间和伙食？这样我就愿意来”
-Free room and board? I'm in so far." -[laughter]
但年轻人不会接受
But the young people won't.
但她们绝不会…略微调整
But they'll never… Just adjust just a little bit.
比如在梵蒂冈搞个五分钟的推介会
Like, I'd like a five-minute pitch meeting at the Vatican and go,
“听我谈谈修女问题现状”
"Hear me out on the nun situation.
“这样 废除修女终身制如何？”
Okay, how about you don't have to be a nun all the time?"
[laughter]
也许你可以时不时做一个修女
"Like, maybe you could be a nun sometimes.
比如 我通常周一有空
Like, I am usually off and available on Mondays
下午三点到六点
-from three to six. Like, I mean…" -[laughter]
我的意思是…
六点我得去打匹克球 但我有空
"I got a hard out at six for pickleball, but I am available."
[laughter and some cheers]
教会都关门了 比如在圣路易斯
Churches are closing. Like, in St. Louis,
我长大的地方关闭了五个教区 每次都像一场小型葬礼
five parishes where I grew up closed.
And each one's like a tiny funeral. I'm like, "Oh, not Saint Sabina!
我心想 “别关圣萨比娜 我在她家的炸鱼募捐会上醉得不行”
I got so drunk at their fish fries. I loved…"
我很喜欢…
-[laughter] -"Their beer was the best.
他们的啤酒最棒了
总是最凉的
It was always the coldest. I don't know why. But it's so sad!"
但这很遗憾
她们在芝加哥开了个大会 整个大主教管区
So, they had a giant meeting in Chicago-- the whole archdiocese.
“我们怎么做 才能让人们对天主教感兴趣？”
"What are we gonna do to make people interested in Catholicism?
“因为我们的会员正在流失 教区在关闭”
We gotta figure out something.
'Cause we're losing members. Parishes are closing."
他们开了三天的会
Three days they met. The guy comes out of the meeting and goes,
有个家伙从会场出来说 “我们有个主意”
"We have an idea. We think this is really gonna raise the popularity.
“我们认为这会提升人气”
“我们认为再次用拉丁语 组织圣餐会很棒”
We think it would be awesome if we did the mass again in Latin."
[laughter]
[Kathleen laughing] That's your idea? After three days?
三天就想出这么个主意？
听着 小家伙 如今只有十个人 会说拉丁语了 好吗？
Listen, jackstraw, there's only ten people that speak Latin, okay?
他们本来就是天主教♥徒♥
And they're already Catholic-- it's the Pope, some cardinals,
教皇 某些红衣主教
还有我弟弟说他高中学了四年
and my younger brother claims he took it in high school for four years.
我不知道这是不是真的
-I don't know if that's true. -[laughter]
这是因为这些人不怎么接触社会
This is because these guys don't get out enough.
你们不懂我们眼下的竞争
You don't understand our current competition.
去看看基♥督♥教的大型教堂吧 天啊
The mega-churches? Oh, my God.
我想问这群天主教♥徒♥
I want to take these old Catholic guys and go,
“你们去过？任何一个？大型教堂？”
"Have you been? Have you been in one? The mega-church?
他妈的有个水上乐园
They have a fucking water park! Like…"
像是…
[laughter]
有宠物寄养 宠物狗美容的地方
Oh, there's dog grooming, pet sitting, there's babysitters.
这是带孩子的地方
那里像是有个迪士尼乐园在运转
I mean, there's a whole Disney World going on in that place.
有便利设施、健身房♥
There's amenity after… gyms! What are we offering?
我们提供什么？
有个始于1957年的母婴室
"Oh, we have a cry room from 1957."