凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

“我不理解我们为什么如此愤怒”
I don't understand why we're so mad that we're using…"
他说：“老实讲 因为政♥府♥担心
He goes, "Well, because, seriously, the government is afraid
中国人会进入我们的手♥机♥
that the Chinese are going into our phones
窃取你手♥机♥里的信息”
and stealing the information in your phone."
我说 “是这样 帕特”
-I said, "Well, here's the thing, Pat." -[laughter]
“分派到我手♥机♥里的中国人的故事
"I'd give $500 to see a movie of the Chinese person
拍出电影的话我愿付500美元去看”
-that got assigned to my phone." -[laughter]
[Kathleen laughing]
因为我真希望这家伙喜欢猫 以及…
'Cause I really hope that dude likes cats, and…
[laughter]
因为他得在3700张猫照片里翻来翻去
'Cause he's gonna have to plow through about 3,700 pictures of cats
拍摄地点从房♥屋内部到草坪椅子上
just all over the house, in lawn chairs.
它们看着都差不多 他就没法看出区别
And they look alike, so he won't be able to tell what he's looking at
直到翻了一半 也许他才会看出“那只脸上灰色更多”
till maybe, like, halfway through.
He'll be like, "Oh, that one's got more gray in its face.
“好吧 我学会了”
-All right, I'm catching on." -[laughter]
他心想 “不只是你的愚蠢照片 凯瑟琳”
He goes, "It's not just your dumb pictures, Kathleen.
“你的谷歌♥搜索记录信息量也很大”
Your Google searches, you know, they tell a lot."
我心想 “天啊 这部电影我也要看 帕特”
I go, "Oh. Oh, my God.
-That's another movie I'd pay for, Pat." -[laughter]
“我知道你有工作 也很忙 但我们花五分钟时间
"I know you have a job and you're busy,
but let's take just five minutes and go through my last Google searches.
翻翻我最近的谷歌♥搜索记录吧”
“我们会看到这可能 对战争中的人们有帮助 或是…”
And we'll see how this might help someone in a war, or…"
-[laughter] -"Let's go through them,
“我们翻翻吧 因为我真的不记得了 帕特”
'cause I truly don't remember, Pat.
“好了 这里”
All right, here. Oh, here's number one.
“第一条”
“秘境山谷农场是真实地点吗？”
'Is Hidden Valley Ranch a real place?'"
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
[laughter and applause]
“因为我去纳帕时心想 估计在北边”
'Cause I was going up to Napa, and I thought,
I bet it's up there, like, right?
“就是…对吧？”
“也许在北加州 对吗？”
It's probably in Northern California, right?
“这是第二条 帕特 别挂电♥话♥”
"Here's my second one, Pat. Don't hang up.
“这是我的第二条谷歌♥搜索记录”
-Here's my second Google search." -[laughter]
“第二条 我在…我记得这条
"The second one, I was in-- I remember this.
我在飞机上无聊了 我要疯了”
I was on a plane and I was bored, and it was driving me crazy.
“‘在圣迭戈自杀时 穿着紫色网球鞋骑着彗星
'What was the name of the cult in San Diego
那个邪教的名字是什么？’”
that killed themselves wearing purple tennis shoes
-to hop on a comet?'" -[laughter and cheering]
“我要被搞疯了”
It was driving me apeshit.
“然后第三条 准备好了吗 帕特？”
And then, "The third one-- ready for this one, Pat?
“我的猫为什么从不需要理发？”
'Why don't my cats ever need a haircut?'"
[laughter]
古怪 是吧？
It's weird, right?
[laughter]
从来不需要
-Never. -[laughter]
我养猫
I have cats. I didn't go get them. I'd like to make that clear.
我不去找猫 这我要说清楚
[laughter]
对 某一天它们就出现了
Yeah, they just showed up one day.
我打开前门
I just opened my front door, and there were four tiny gray-and-white kittens
四只小不点灰白相间的小猫
像迷你士兵一样排队 盯着房♥子
lined up like little soldiers, staring at the house.
它们最可爱了
And they're the cutest-- somebody just went, "Aww!"
有人就说…
这是麻烦 麻烦来了
That's the problem. That's the problem right there.
因为我容易被情绪冲昏头脑
'Cause I just got overwhelmed with emotion. I'm not using my brain.
我不用大脑思考了
“凯瑟琳 天啊 你在INS看到过”
Going, "Kathleen, Jesus, you've seen it on Instagram.
“它们可以活到33岁”
They can live to be 33. Do the math of your age."
“算算你自己的年龄”
[laughter]
“老天爷啊 这群猫可以比你活更久”
"These cats can outlive you, for Christ's sake.
“别多管闲事”
Don't get involved. Don't get involved."
不 没有这种
No, none of that. None of that. "Aww!"
我心想 “我该怎么做？”
And I'm like, "What am I gonna do?" So, I thought, well,
于是我想 好吧 我不知道
我想养它们 但经常不在家
I don't know. I would like to keep them, but I'm gone so much.
于是我谷歌♥搜索 第四条记录
So, I googled-- Google search number four, um…
“在家附近遇到流浪猫该怎么办？”
"What to do with feral cats I found near me."
[laughter]
我过去住在纳什维尔 离市区有点远的乡下
I live in Nashville, like, a little bit out in the country.
找到我们县的一个电♥话♥
A number came up for the county, and I went, "Great!"
我心想 “好极了”
于是我打过去 戴维森县
So, I called the number, Davidson County, and I go, "Hey.
我说：“嘿 我找到四只小猫”
I found, um, four little kittens. And if I catch them
“如果我抓住它们 然后带它们来
and then bring them down and pay for their shots and all that,
支付疫苗之类的全部费用 你们能让它们被领养出去吗？
can you guys get them adopted out?" [chuckling] And the lady goes,
他说：“女士 戴维森县现在 有超过87459只野猫”
"Ma'am, there's over 87,459 feral cats in Davidson County right now.
“你觉得我们在乎再来四只吗？”
-Do you think we care about four more?" -[laughter]
我说：“我不知道”
I said, "I don't know.
“我不知道你在乎或不在乎什么
I don't know what you care or you don't care about.
但如果你不在乎 你就该给谷歌♥打电♥话♥
But if you don't care, you should call Google
让他们把你们该死的电♥话♥号♥码撤了”
and tell them to take your goddamn number off there."
[laughter and applause]
她说：“好吧 关于这些小猫 让我问你几个问题”
She goes, "Well, let me ask you this about these kittens.
“它们有过社会化训练吗？”
-Are they socialized?" -[laughter]
我不知道 我们还没出去喝过酒呢
"I don't know. I mean, we haven't been out drinking. I could…"
我可以…
[laughter]
我可以摆几个小碗 倒点米凯罗淡爽啤酒
"I could put little bowls of Mic Ultra out there
看看能不能让它们跟我聊起来
and see if I can get them chatting me up.
但现在就是在凝视 在评判
But right now, it's just a lot of staring in judgment.
我感觉自己正在被评判
I feel judged.
盯着你看的眼神 像激光一样穿透我的灵魂
And their staring is like lasers through my soul.
我没法直视它们…
I can't look at them." [Kathleen chuckles]
她说：“好吧 附近有猫妈妈吗？”
She goes, "Well, is the mama cat comin' round?"
我不敢相信这对话…我不知道啊
I can't believe this is a conversation.
I go, "You know, I don't know. I haven't seen a mama cat.
我没见过猫妈妈
我估计是某个乡野贱猫 把自己孩子丢下不管了
I just assumed some hillbilly whore cat dropped her kids off."
过着糜烂生活 在树林里喝酒抽烟
-[laughter] -"And she's out whoring around,
drinking and smoking in the woods.
这群孩子们现在成我的麻烦了 所以…
And these kids are my problem now, so…"
[laughter]
她说：“好吧 我们得搞清楚”
She's like, "Well, we need to find out.
“因为如果猫妈妈来了 你就不能碰这些小猫了”
'Cause if that mama cat's comin' round, you ain't gonna touch them kittens."
我说晚上我跟着它们 它们去了…
I go, "Well, at night, I followed them, and they go-- they've tunneled underneath
它们钻过空调管道下面
the air-conditioning unit that's attached to the house.
这跟房♥子是相连的
它们在下面穿过去来到了架空层
And they tunneled underneath that to the crawlspace,
我觉得它们晚上就呆在那里
and I think that's where they spend the night."
她说：“好极了 你这么做吧”
She goes, "Well, that's excellent. So, here's what you're gonna do.
“你明天再打电♥话♥来”
You're gonna call me back tomorrow, you're gonna go down to the grocery store,
“你去杂货店买♥♥一大袋面粉
and get yourself a big bag of flour. You're gonna take that flour,
你带着面粉
晚上撒在洞里”
and you're gonna spread it all where them kittens go in the hole for the night.
“到早上你出去观察”
And then in the morning, you're gonna go out and look.
“如果有大脚印 就意味着妈妈来过”
And if there's big paw prints, that means mama's comin' round.
“如果没有大脚印 妈妈就没来过”
If there ain't no paw prints, that means mama ain't comin' round.
“如果下雨这招就不管用了”
Now, none of this will work if it rains."
[laughter]
这是政♥府♥电♥话♥ 我想提醒诸位
This is a government number. I just want to remind everybody.
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
我心想 “我就自己养吧”
I'm like, "You know what? I'll just keep them.
“我自己养 谢谢你”
I'm gonna keep them. Thank you.
“这段对话很美妙 但我会自己养”
This has been a wonderful conversation, but I'm gonna keep them."
然后我都不知道该怎么办
And then I thought, I don't even know what to do with them.
我养过宠物 但那时是孩子 全由我父母负责
I mean, I had pets as a kid. My mom and dad did it all.
于是我给兽医打电♥话♥
So, I called the vet. I go, "I found these kittens.
我说：“我找到几只小猫 它们可能需要打疫苗或…”
So, I assume they need shots, or…"
“对 带过来吧 我们会处理” 好极了
"Yeah, bring 'em up. We'll get 'em situated."
于是我去了 前台的女士…
Great. So, I go, and the lady that works at the front desk there--
我不知道是否有轮回
I don't know if there is such a thing as reincarnation, but if there is,
但如果有
this is her first time as a person.
这应该是她第一次做人
[laughter]
效果不佳 这是个可怕的失误
-It's not going well. It was, uh… -[laughter]
It was a terrible mistake. She was a cat.
她曾是一只猫 就应该一直是猫
She should always be a cat. This was a terrible idea.
这主意很糟糕
她是我见过最刻薄的流浪猫…
She's the meanest alley cat I've ever…
毫无幽默感 很严肃
Zero sense of humor, very serious.
她说 “我知道你打过电♥话♥ 你有四只猫”
She's like, "Okay, I know you called. You got four.
“我为它们登记过 打全套疫苗 每只62美元”
I signed them up for the vaccination package.
It's $62 a piece,
但还有两支疫苗 如果你愿意花那笔钱的话”
but there's two extra vaccinations if you would like to spend that money."
我问：“那两支疫苗是什么用途？”