凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

-You have $20. Stop it." -[laughter]
“我还给了你100美元 小家伙”
"I personally gave you $100, jackstraw. Don't you remember that?
“你不记得了吗？”
“你都花光了？ 要我给你妈打电♥话♥吗？”
Did you spend it all? Do you want me to call your mom
“还是你想给凯特阿姨打20美元过来
or do you just wanna send $20 to Aunt Kat
然后就当没看到这条消息？”
-and act like this text didn't happen?" -[laughter]
“爱你”
-"Love you!" -[laughter]
因为我妈妈会说
'Cause my mom's like,
“他们输钱 你也不会真把钱拿走吧？”
"You're not really gonna take their money if they lose, are you?"
“我当然要拿走他们的钱 妈妈”
"Absolutely I'm taking their money, Mom.
“趁他们还小 就要这么教育
This is how we teach them when they're young
让他们懂得赌博有时令人痛彻心扉”
that sometimes gambling is sad.
总有起起落落
-There are ups and downs." -[laughter]
赌博总有起起落落
"There are ups and downs with gambling. It's a lifelong commitment,
这是一辈子的事 他们得学会与之共舞
and they need to learn to live with it. And I can already tell you
我已经可以告诉你们 每14个孩子里就有两个有赌博问题
two out of 14 kids that have gambling problems."
她说：“11岁的孩子可看不出来”
And she's like, "You can't tell that when a kid is 11."
哦 可以的 你可以的
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can.
你只需…你不会明白的
And here's how you-- You won't understand this, Mom,
但周一晚上的橄榄球比赛后
but after the Monday night football game,
周二早上的《梦幻橄榄球》 豁免名单就出来了
Tuesday morning in fantasy football, the waiver wire is open,
你就可以去找新人参加了
which means you can go get new people, you can take people out,
你可以提出交易
you can propose trades, you can do whatever you want to shape your team up.
做你想做的任何事 改善你的球队
周二早上就开始了
But it's Tuesday morning it starts.
而这两个小财迷 短♥信♥周一晚上就来了
And with the two addicts, the texts come in Monday night
而我周二早上才开始接待服务
for my Tuesday morning reception.
他们想让我打开手♥机♥
That's when they want me to turn on my phone.
“嘿 凯特阿姨”
"Hey, Aunt Kat. So, it's me. Um, I saw you have Patrick Mahomes.
“是我 我看到你有帕特里克马霍姆斯”
“我拟了一份涉及七支球队的 大型交易方案 你看看吧”
I've put together a seven-deal trade block for you to examine.
“你醒了吗？喂？”
Are you awake? Hello?
“你在机场吗？”
-Are you at an airport? Anyway…" -[laughter]
“不管怎样 如果你没看到 我3点11分放学”
"If you're not reading this, I get out of school at 3:11.
“给我个回复”
-I would like an answer…" -[laughter]
天啊
Oh, my God.
他们都想要帕特里克马霍姆斯 他都不是最厉害的球员
They all want Patrick Mahomes.
And he's not even the best number guy. Like, Lamar Jackson's actually better.
其实拉马尔杰克逊更优秀
但我们来自密苏里 我们支持堪萨斯城酋长
But we're from Missouri. We root for the Chiefs.
但说实话 我支持酋长队的主要原因在于
But mainly I root for the Chiefs, honestly,
我在暗恋安迪里德
'cause I am secretly totally in love with Andy Reid.
-[laughter and cheering] -I know.
我知道
如果你不看橄榄球或不认识他 他是教练
If you don't watch football or you don't know who I'm talking about,
他做教练很久了
he's a coach. He's been a coach forever.
他是个很棒的教练
Um, he's a really good coach. But he looks like
但他看上去 像是世界上最可爱的海象…
-if the most adorable walrus on Earth… -[laughter]
可以边走边指挥橄榄球
…could walk and coach football at the same time.
我喜欢他在比赛中的样子 对比赛的兴趣总是很适度
And I love that he always looks mildly interested in the game.
有点…
-It's sort of like… -[laughter]
我很喜欢…
And I really love-- 'cause I respect a person who knows who they are.
因为我尊重有自知之明的人
他选择这项运动已经有35年或40年了
And he has chosen through 35-some-odd, maybe 40 years,
球员们处于人生中最健壮的阶段
in a sport where people are in the greatest shape of their lives--
每天他周围都是这群人
every day he's surrounded by people in the greatest shape of their lives--
他选择保持那种胖嘟嘟的身材
and he's chosen to remain chubby.
他不在乎
-He don't care. -[laughter]
我心想 “你这样很好 这需要决心”
I'm like, "Good for you. That takes resolve."
每天这家伙都得穿过健身房♥到办公室
Every day that man has to walk through a gym to get to his office.
那也…
-That's… -[laughter]
每天他都得看着那些跑步机心想
Every day he has to look at those treadmills and go,
“今天不行 撒旦 今天不行”
"Not today, Satan. Not today."
-[laughter and applause] -Pew!
我爱他
I love him, and my other old-person crush is Keith Morrison of Dateline, yes.
我的另一位大龄迷恋对象 是《日界线》节目的基思莫里森
对 我爱他
I love him, and my sister's like,
我妹妹说：“天啊 他看上去好累”
"Gosh, he looks so tired." Yeah!
是的
他脑袋上的每一道皱纹
Every one of those wrinkles on his head
都是一桩未解命案 他…
is another murder that's not been solved.
-He… -[laughter]
关心美国 凯特
…cares about America, Kate. That man cares.
这个男人真的关心
我都不知道这是否可能
And I didn't even know this was possible--
几个月前我决定狂刷《日界线》
like, a couple months ago, I decided to binge Datelines, right?
我整个周末一直在看
And I kept going all weekend.
然后我的电视突然告诉我 “没有未播放的《日界线》了”
And then all of a sudden, my TV said, "There are no more Datelines."
什么？
-[laughter] -What? What?
什么？我以为这节目播不完呢
I thought there was an infinite amount. What do you mean there's no more?
没有了是什么意思？这怎么可能？
How could that be possible? This is America.
这是美国 我们擅长这个
This is what we're good at-- murdering each other.
彼此谋杀 来吧 伙计们
Like, come on, people.
我们就不能随便找个人谋杀一下吗？
Isn't there somebody with an aunt who has a smile that lights up a room
比如某人一脸笑容的好人缘姑姑…
-that we could murder… -[laughter]
这样我和基思周五♥不♥就有事做了吗？
…so me and Keith have something to do on Friday?
这就荒谬了
I mean, this is ridiculous. And the last three that I watched--
我看的最后三集
我没意识到这是我的最后三集
I did not realize it was going to be my last three--
有人要对另一个人爆头
somebody was gonna shoot somebody, like, right in the face,
那家伙得为了活命求饶
and that person had to beg for their life.
不同的民族 不同的州和背景
Different people, different states, different backgrounds.
我觉得很有意思 他们都说同样的话
And they all-- I thought it was interesting.
They all said the same thing.
他们都说 “请别开枪 我有孩子和孙子”
They all go, "Please don't shoot!
I have kids and I have grandkids." I'm like,
我心想：“是的 这句不错”
"That's true. That's a good one.
“这些我都没有 所以…”
-I don't have either one of those, so…" -[laughter]
你得想想了
You gotta think about it-- what are you gonna say to save your own life?
求生自保的时候你要说什么？
然后我想 我爸曾是律师
I thought, well, my dad was a lawyer, and he always said,
他说：“如果遇到疯子
"If you're in a situation with a crazy person,
你就得让他们信息过载
it's your job to overrun them with information
让他们知道自己太疯了
so they think they're crazier than you and they voluntarily exit the situation."
于是他们主动退出”
[laughter]
我就想 “好吧 那我就这么做”
I thought, well, I guess that's what I would do.
告诉他现在的情况
Just tell them what's really been going on.
“来吧 别开枪”
"Oh, come on, man. Don't shoot. I just got a deck put on my hot tub.
“我刚在热水浴缸上 铺了一层木质平台”
“这花了八个月”
That took, like, eight months!
“这样吧”
And here's the thing-- did you know that fake wood costs more than real wood?
“你知道仿木比真木头还贵吗？”
“这不是胡扯吗？”
Isn't that some bullshit? Like, I wanted cedar,
“比如我要雪松 然后他说‘塑木怎么样…’”
and then he's like, 'How about this poly-tech blah blah blah?'
“我说‘我很想要雪松’”
I'm like, 'Nah, I really want cedar.' But you gotta stain that.
“但你得染色 所以你得考虑一下”
So, you gotta think about that if you're gonna get the cedar--
“如果你用这种雪松 每年都染色
staining it every year. And you're gonna get splinters.
最后就会开裂…”
“然后我就考虑了一下”
And then, I was thinking about that.
“另一个不能杀我的原因是
And then another reason maybe not to kill me
我在抖音上刚多了10个关注 我很努力”
is I just got ten more followers on TikTok
-and I worked really hard…" -[laughter]
“好吧 再见 我们回头见”
"Okay, bye. We'll see you later. Yeah, follow me on TikTok. Thank you!"
“好”
“在抖音上关注我吧”
“谢谢你”
[laughter]
我很喜欢抖音
I like TikTok a lot.
如果你上瘾 就很危险 因为这没个完
Like, if you're an addict, whew, it's dangerous.
'Cause it never stops. There's no end. Ever.
没完没了 从不结束
但我喜欢这点
Which is what I like about it.
但抖音也遇到了很多麻烦
But it's in a lot of trouble, and you hear about it all the time.
你总是会听到
政♥府♥不高兴 因为抖音来自中国
The government's mad because China owns TikTok.
但谁也没跟马克扎克伯格来气 他控制着INS和脸书
But nobody's mad at Mark Zuckerberg, who owns Instagram and Facebook.
我兄弟说
And my brother's like, "Well, there's a lot of misinformation on TikTok."
“抖音上有很多假消息”
我说：“脸书上不是吗 帕特？”
I go, "Oh, and there's not on Facebook, Pat?
“我得跟我妈解释多少次
How many times have I had to tell Mom
纽约的哈德逊河里没有大白鲨？”
there's not a great white shark in the Hudson River in New York?
“多少次啊 帕特？”
-How many times, Pat?" -[laughter and applause]
它们都有罪 我认为
They're both guilty! They're all guilty of it, I think.
但我觉得 “从财政上讲 我们为何如此不满？”
But I said, "Financially, seriously, why are we so mad at…
“因为我们买♥♥了中国的东西？”
'cause we buy China's stuff.