凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

I go, "Oh, all right. What are those two extra ones for?"
她回答：“第一支针对猫艾滋”
She goes, "Well, the first one is for feline AIDS."
我不知道我为什么要这么做
And I don't know what made me do this, but I just went,
但我就直接反问：“什么？”
-[incredulous] "What?" -[laughter]
我就是这么说的 自然反应
I said it exactly like that. It was a natural reaction.
她说 “我不知道你为什么觉得这好笑”
She goes, "I don't know why you think that's funny."
[laughter]
我说：“我也不知道”
I said, "Me, neither. I'll have to go home and sit with myself
我得回家坐下来好好问问自己
“我为什么要笑话猫艾滋？”
-and think, why did I laugh…" -[laughter]
-"…at cat AIDS?" -[laughter]
因为我从没听说过
It's because I'd never heard of it.
我参加过很多无报酬的筹款活动
And I do a lot of free benefit shows and fundraisers,
我从未接过这种电♥话♥ “嘿 你能过来吗？”
and I've never gotten a call, "Hey, Kathleen, can you run on down here?
“我们打算筹款 帮助本地社区的猫艾滋病患”
We're trying to raise some money for the cats in the hood that have AIDS."
我从没听说过
-I'd never heard of it. Nope. -[laughter]
没有
我说：“对 它们都需要这支疫苗”
I said, "Yes, they all want that shot.
“我不希望任何人 在我的监督下感染艾滋”
I don't want anybody getting AIDS on my watch.
“这很可怕 是吧？”
That's a terrible thing, right?" I go, "What's the other one?"
我说：“另一种呢？”
她说：“第二支是防蚊疫苗”
She goes, "Well, the second one is for the mosquito vaccination."
我心想：“好吧 现在是一月”
I'm like, "Well, it's January."
她说：“蚊子可不会放假”
She goes, "Mosquitoes don't take vacations."
[laughter]
我说：“呃 你知道吗？”
I'm like, "Well, you know what?
“我科学不及格 但我觉得你搞错了”
I flunked science, but I think you're wrong on that one.
“但我不想争吵 因为你会把我眼睛抓坏”
But I'm not gonna argue, 'cause you'll rip my eyeballs out."
我说：“对 它们肯定需要那种疫苗”
I said, "Yeah, they want that vaccination for sure."
我说：“我没孩子 我有多余的钱”
I go, "You know what? I don't have kids. I have extra money.
“有什么疫苗就都给它们安排上吧”
Give them everything in the building. Shingles…"
“带状疱疹…”
[laughter]
“球菌肺炎 还有什么都安排上吧”
"…pneumococcal pneumonia, whatever you got in the back.
“如果有银屑病预防针的话 这看起来很有趣”
If you could put them on Skyrizi, it looks so fun."
[laughter and cheering]
对
-Yeah. -[laughter]
十天后它们就会在怀俄明州飞钓了
They'll be fly fishing in Wyoming in a week and a half.
用它们的小爪子 到时候一定很可爱
It's be so cute with their little paws.
[laughter]
我说：“对 它们什么疫苗都要接种”
I said, "Yeah, they want everything."
她说：“我需要记下它们的名字
She goes, "Well, I'm gonna need to put down their names
在电脑里给它们登记 这样它们才能成为全时顾客”
and register them in the computer if they're gonna be full-time clients."
我心想：“顾客？天啊”
-I'm like, "Clients? Okay." -[laughter]
我说：“好吧 但它们的名字是…”
I said, "Well, okay, but their names, it's gonna sound racist.
这听起来像种族主义者 我这是提醒你们做好准备
I'm just bracing you. And it's not racist.
这不是种族主义者 这是赞美 也可以说是致敬
It's a tribute. It's an homage, if you will.
因为这四只小猫太擅长钻洞了
Because those four little kittens were so good at tunneling,
我选择以墨西哥毒枭为它们命名…
I chose to name them after famous Mexican drug lords…"
[laughter]
都是擅长钻洞嘛
"…who are also awesome at tunneling."
我不知道 你们看没看过《20/20》的节目
I don't know if you've ever seen those 20/20s, but holy Batman!
但是 我的天啊 里面有TJ麦克斯
There's, like, T.J. Maxx down there and Taco Bells.
还有塔克钟
他们擅长这个 很擅长
I mean, they're good at it. They're really good at it.
所以一身灰色的胖胖的家伙 就是“矮子”
"So, the mostly gray, chubby one-- that's El Chapo.
后面那只就是
-That's him in the back." -[laughter]
它旁边是“门乔”
"And the one next to him is El Mencho,
在墨西哥 他目前是“矮子”的徒弟
who is currently El Chapo's protégé in Mexico.
看过《毒枭》你就知道了
And you would know that if you watched Narcos.
但你看上去 不像是会看《毒枭》的女士
-But you…" -[laughter]
"…don't look like a lady who watches Narcos.
比较白的那只 这太容易了 “白人”
The mostly white one, it was just too easy-- El Blanco.
因为那是… 我认识的唯一西班牙语单词
-'Cause that's…" -[laughter]
-"…the only Spanish I know…" -[laughter]
除了“请按九”之外
"…aside from oprima nueve, which on Walgreen's phone line
因为沃尔格林的热♥线♥里会说“请按九”
means 'press nine,' and I don't think you should name a cat Press Nine."
我觉得你不该给猫起名叫“请按九”
[laughter]
我知道 到第四只我就没主意了
I go, "And the fourth one, I ran out of ideas,
于是我想：“好吧 还有女毒枭
so I thought, well, there are female drug lords.
如果我在墨西哥 我…
And if I was in Mexico, Kathleen would be Catalina.
凯瑟琳就会变成卡塔丽娜”
“如果我是毒枭 简称就是‘卡托！’”
And if I was a drug lord, it would be shortened to El Cato."
-[laughter] -"So, the fourth one
于是第四只我就以自己命名 就是“卡托”
-I named after myself. That's El Cato." -[laughter]
她说：“我不能在名字里 加入西班牙语定冠词”
She goes, "I ain't gonna put 'El' in front of each one of their names,
“因为在电脑里会使人困惑”
'cause it's too confusing in the computer."
-[laughter] -I'm like, "Well…
我就说：“这些是它们的基♥督♥教教名”
-those are their Christian given names." -[laughter]
[Kathleen laughing]
“如果你想与魔鬼共舞 那是你的选择”
"If you wanna dance with the devil, that's on you."
[laughter]
那时我要走了 然后我忘了
But then I was leaving and I forgot, and I turned around and I go,
我转身说：“哦 我忘了 该死”
"Oh, I forgot, shoot. I wanna get those chips put in them
“我想在它们体内植入芯片 这样如果我决定养它们
in case I decide to keep them
在路上时我就能在手♥机♥里观察它们
and then I can watch them on my phone on the road."
我觉得它们是这么做的 我有三十年没养宠物了
That's what I thought they did. I haven't had a pet in 30 years.
她说：“那些芯片不是做那个事的”
She goes, "That is not what those chips do."
[laughter]
我说：“哦 那做什么？我以为…”
I said, "Oh, what do they do? I thought--"
她说：“不 我们把你的信息放进芯片 再把芯片放到猫的身上”
She goes, "No, we put your information in a chip,
we put the chip in the cat.
“比如‘矮子’跑了
Let's say Chaypo runs away, okay?"
[laughter]
有人找到‘矮子’ 把它带到扫描设备
"If someone finds Chaypo and brings him to a scanning facility,
我们就给你打电♥话♥说 “我们找到‘矮子’了”
we will call you and say we have Chaypo."
[laughter]
我说：“哦 这令人失望啊”
I go, "Oh, well, that's disappointing."
我说：“我是很想在这些猫身上
I go, "Then what I really would like is four iPhones put in the cats.
装上四部苹果手♥机♥
所以我不知道…”
-So, I don't know…" -[laughter]
[Kathleen laughing] Pew! Pew! Pew!
这个我也不该笑
-She didn't laugh at that either. -[laughter]
于是我走了 我留下这群猫
So, I left and I kept them.
我找到了一个帮手
And I figured it out with help to go feed them when I'm not there.
在我不在家的时候去喂食
但我太久不养猫了 我忘记它们的本事了
But, like, it's been so long since I had a cat,
I forgot what they're capable of.
回到家后 没多久吧
And I got home, I don't know, a while back,
“矮子”完全不用后腿
and El Chapo, he wasn't using his back leg at all.
它在哭泣
And he's crying like, "Meow, meow, meow."
我心想：“糟糕 它把后腿弄折了？”
I'm like, "Oh, shit, like, did he break his leg?"
我把它装进小筐里 他们检查了他的后腿
I crate him up, we go, they take him in the back.
20分钟后 有位女士 带着一个塞满X光片的信封出来了
Lady comes out 20 minutes later with a little envelope full of x-rays.
她说：“好 它做完检查了 185美元”
She goes, "Okay, he's ready. It's gonna be $185."
我心想：“好吧” 就问她：“怎么回事？”
I'm like, "Okay." I go, "Well, what's the matter?"
她说：“没事 它是装的”
She goes, "Nothing. He's just a faker."
[laughter]
什么？
“会有这种事 你不给它足够的注意力 猫会经常这么干”
"It happens. Cats do it a lot when you don't give them enough attention.
“是的”
-Yeah." -[laughter]
“我估计你没给够注意力”
"I guess you ain't payin' enough attention.
“但现在它得到你的注意力了 这注意力价值185美元”
He got your attention now, didn't he? $185 worth of your attention."
[laughter]
我心想 “天啊”
I'm like, "Oh, my God."
现在问题在于它干什么我都不信了
Now, the problem is I don't believe anything he does.
它把眼球抓到爪子里走过来
Like, he could walk up with his eyeballs in his paws,
我也会说：“少来了 把眼球装回去”
and I'd be like, "Knock it off. Put your eyes in.
“别这样 我不会再上当了 ‘矮子’ 我不会再上当了”
Stop it. I'm not falling for this shit again, Chapo. No."
-"Meow." -[Kathleen laughing]
纳什维尔已经成为
Nashville has become the bachelorette party capital of the world,
世界单身女郎派对之都
这让很多本地人恼火 我觉得这事无比搞笑
which annoys a lot of the locals, and I find it endlessly amusing.
我喜欢…我完全支持这事
And I love-- I'm there for every second of it.
因为她们飞来时醉醺醺的 走时也是
'Cause they fly in drunk, they fly out drunk.
到处是醉酒的21岁女孩 就是醉了
Just 21-year-old girls just drunk everywhere.
她们从脚踏车酒馆上跌落 没人在乎
Just drunk. They're falling off pedal taverns, nobody cares.
有一位被丰田车碾过去了 “无所谓 继续开吧”
One gets run over by a Toyota-- whatever. Just keep on goin'.
[laughter]
几个月前我飞回家 我在三角洲航♥空♥公♥司♥的行李领♥取♥区
I flew home a couple months ago, and I was in Delta baggage claim.
有一位年长的女士在那里工作 我每周都见到
And there's an older lady that works there that I see every week.
我们看到她们来自威斯康星州
And we saw-- and they were from Wisconsin. It was a bunch of girls.
一群女孩穿着包装工队的队服或配饰
They had their Packers stuff on, but they had pink cowboy hats.
但她们有粉色的牛仔帽 显然是来参加单身女郎派对
They were clearly a bachelorette party, and they were at the top of the escalator.
她们在自动扶梯上层 我不知道怎么搞的
And I don't know what triggered it,
这群人都从电梯上摔下来了
but the whole group fell down the escalator.
[laughter]
天啊