凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

Oh, my God. And the Delta lady was like,
三角洲航♥空♥的女工作人员却说 “凯瑟琳小姐 别去帮她们”
"Miss Kathleen, do not go help them. Don't do it!"
“别去”
[laughter]
“这很荒谬 那是周日早上十点半”
"That is ridiculous. It's 10:30 on a Sunday morning."
我说：“嗯 但她们来自威斯康星”
I'm like, "Yeah, but they're from Wisconsin.
“这些人没有那些规矩 比如她们…”
Those people don't have those kind of rules.
-Like, they…" -[laughter]
“她们在机场喝酒 过度兴奋了”
"They drank at the airport. They're over-stimulated."
然后我觉得其中一位可能受伤较重
And then I thought, one of them, could be, like, seriously injured.
于是我想走过去
And then I thought about walking over there,
但她们都站起身了
but they all just popped right back up.
[laughter]
因为她们年轻
'Cause they're young and they don't care.
摔18级台阶她们也不在乎
They just fell down 18 steps with nails and blades on them.
哪怕身上还挂着钉子和刀片 她们才不在乎
-They don't even give a shit. -[laughter]
有个女孩因为来纳什维尔而极度兴奋
One girl was so excited to be in Nashville,
她跑过来跳上她的行李箱 绕着行李传送带骑行
she ran over, jumped on her suitcase, and rode it around the carousel.
穿过洗车店的位置
-[laughter] -Through the car wash part.
我心想 “天啊 她不见了”
I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's gone!"
但一般来讲 所有单身女郎派对
But normally, all the bachelorette parties, they all stay downtown.
她们都住在市区 在百老汇 酒吧之类的场所都在那里
Like, on Broadway where all the bars are.
她们不会在田纳西州四处逛
They don't go wandering around Tennessee.
但今年夏天 我想去一处瀑布
Well, this summer, though, I wanted to go to this waterfall
距离纳什维尔市区1小时40分钟车程
that's like an hour-40 from downtown Nashville.
我让我朋友布莱恩一起去
I made my friend Brian go, 'cause you kind of gotta drive
因为你得开车 穿过《生死狂澜》里出现的那种区域
through some Deliverance-y kind of areas.
我心想 “嗯 我才不会自己一个人去呢”
[laughter]
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm doing this by myself."
于是我们去了那里 你拿出你的皮艇等装备
So, we get there, and you get your kayak and all that.
你要划船三公里左右抵达这处瀑布
You're gonna paddle two miles to this waterfall.
三公里过去 三公里返程
It's two miles there, two miles back.
一辆小货车停下来
This-- a van pulls up. Boom! Bachelorette party pops out.
砰！一场单身女郎派对开始啦
天啊 她们找到这了 是吗？
Oh, my God, they found it! Right?
我听她们说她们来自盐湖城
I hear them say they're from Salt Lake City,
她们都带着自己的八瓶苏打水 每个人都是
and they all have a personal eight-pack of seltzers, each one of them.
我心想 “问题就在这 因为你们都太年轻
But I'm like, this is a problem 'cause you're all too young.
你们需要我这样的人带你们 因为你们都没想到带个冷藏箱”
You need somebody like me to take you, 'cause none of you thought of a cooler.
[laughter]
“今天的纳什维尔是35度 女士们”
It's 95 degrees today in Nashville, ladies.
“去瀑布半路途中
You're gonna be vomiting blackberry seltzers halfway to this waterfall,
你们就会把黑莓味苏打水吐掉
我已经迫不及待想要看热闹了 我太想参观一下了”
and I can't wait to be a part of all this. I can't wait to see it.
然后我想 “我还是走吧”
And then I thought, you know what? I'm gonna go--
我告诉我朋友布莱恩
I told my friend Brian, I go,
“我要去问那个女孩一些问题”
"I'm gonna go up and ask that girl some questions."
我悄声划过去说：“嗨 我是凯瑟琳”
I paddled up quietly. I go, "Hi. My name's Kathleen."
“我可以问你几个问题吗？”
I go, "Do you care if I ask you a couple questions?"
她说：“问吧”
And she was like, "No."
我觉得她是把我 当成水警之类的人员了 因为…
I think she thought I was, like, a water cop or something, 'cause…
[laughter]
我说：“好” 我接着说：“我好奇”
I go, "Okay." I go, "Um, well, I was just wondering.
“我听说你们自称来自盐湖城”
I heard you guys say you're from Salt Lake City.
“你们怎么找到的这个瀑布？”
How did you find this waterfall?
“我在这里住了很久都不知道这里”
'Cause I've lived here for a long time, and I didn't even know about it."
她说：“哦 天啊 我不知道”
She goes, "Oh, God, like, I don't know.
“有人邀请我才来的
Like, I'm just here as an invite. Like, I'm an add-on.
我是后加进来的”
“我就是很想拍照片发INS
Like, I just really wanted Insta pictures.
我不知道我现在是在哪”
Like, I don't know where I'm at right now."
[laughter]
我心想 “这多棒啊！”
And I thought, how awesome is that?
21岁 你可以说走就走 “我都不知道我现在是在哪”
At 21, you can just go, "I don't even know where I'm at."
-[laughter] -And it's not disturbing.
这不会让人不安
因为81岁时 这么说才会让人不安
'Cause at 81, that sentence is really going to be disturbing.
比如…
-Like… -[laughter]
80多岁后 情况就奇怪起来
'Cause over 80, it gets weird.
我曾为我父母用谷歌♥搜索 他们当时70多岁
Like, I used to google for my mom and dad when they were in their 70s.
“送我父母坐游轮 去哪里好玩？”
I'd be like, "Where is a fun place to send my parents on a cruise?"
我现在谷歌♥搜索 “痴呆的正常范围是什么？”
I now google, "What is the normal amount of dementia?"
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing]
性格变了
Personality changes.
我妈妈曾会偷东西
Like, my mom used to steal some stuff.
糖、代糖之类的东西
Like sugar, Sweet-n-Low, shit like that.
但现在升级了
But the ante has been upped. Like, I went--
她说 “你能把我钱包里的眼镜给我吗？”
She goes, "Will you reach in purse and get my glasses?"
我说：“好” 然后我翻着…
I go, "Yeah, sure." So I reach, and I went, "Ooh, uh, ooh!"
她说：“那是鸡肉”
She goes, "Oh, that's the chicken."
[laughter]
[Kathleen sighs]
我说：“妈妈 什么鸡肉？”
I said, "What chicken, Mom?"
“好吧 我不想听你讲道理
"Well, I don't want to hear a lecture from you about it,
但我从赌场自助餐厅偷了很多鸡肉
but I steal a lot of chicken from the casino buffet,
因为他们反正也会倒掉 凯瑟琳
because they're just gonna throw it out, Kathleen, and…"
你♥爸♥爱吃这个
[laughter]
而我不想再做炸鸡了”
"Your dad loves it, and I don't ever feel like frying a chicken again.
“我都他妈83岁了 我不想再做炸鸡了”
I'm 83 goddamn years old.
I'm not ever frying chicken again. I'm not doing it.
“我不做了 所以我不想听你讲道理”
So, I don't want to hear a lecture from you."
[laughter]
我只说：“哦” 就这一句
All I said was "ooh!" That's all I'd said.
-That's what… -[laughter]
他们聋了 我爸的听力糟糕透了
They're deaf. My dad's so deaf.
但在家没事
Which is fine at home. It's not fine out in public.
在公共场合就不行了 因为他声音太大
'Cause he's too loud. He's so loud but has no concept.
他声音太大而且不自知 我们在外面吃饭 他就说
We were out eating somewhere. He goes, "Who's that lady sitting at that table?"
“在那桌吃饭的女士是谁？”
[laughter]
我说：“爸爸 其实我认识她”
I go, "I actually know her, Dad.
“她叫简 是我妈的朋友”
Her name's Jane, and she's a friend of Mom's."
"Huh, really. Uh, does Jane know she looks like a horse?"
“是吗？”
“简知道自己长得像一匹马吗？”
[laughter]
“也许…现在也许知道了”
"Probably. Probably now. I bet she's thinking about that,
“我猜她在想这件事
因为你刚隔着座位喊出来了”
since you just yelled that one booth away."
[laughter]
他们的健康状况越来越糟
Their health gets bad and bad and worse and worse.
我爸两次中风 但不是很严重那种
So my dad had, like, two strokes, but they weren't big-deal ones.
轻度中风 他当时想要…
They were, like, mild strokes. And he was trying to get--
这就是他们不像以前那样 互相说话的情况
This is where they don't speak to each other like they used to.
就是这种情况
It's not-- it's to the point.
他想从沙发上坐起来 我妈妈说
He was trying to get off the couch, and my mom goes,
“坐下 杰克 你有脑损伤”
"Sit down, Jack. You have brain damage."
[laughter]
“天啊 妈妈 注意语气”
"Jesus, Mom, bring it down a level. That's--"
“不 他需要听到这种话 因为他一直想起身”
"No, he needs to hear that, 'cause he won't stop trying to get up.
“过去13天 有7天消防队来过我们家 凯瑟琳”
We've had the fire department here seven days in the last 13, Kathleen.
“你觉得这正常吗？”
-Do you think that's normal?" -[laughter]
“还有自己最喜欢的消防员 你觉得这正常？”
"Do you think it's normal to have a favorite fireman? 'Cause he does."
“因为他真的有”
[laughter]
然后他第三次中风 那次很严重
Then, he had a third stroke. That was a big one, too.
那次造成了损害 是吧？
That one did some damage, right? And then people were like,
然后人们说
“你妈妈在身边可以帮忙 多好啊！”
"Well, it's good you have your mom around to help, right?"
-"Umm…" -[laughter]
是吗？
-"Is it?" -[laughter]
只有一个便于控制的83岁老人更好
Is it better to have two 83-year-olds yelling at you
还是两个同时吼你更好呢？
or just one that you can control?
因为如果他们是一个二人组 他们是作为团队战斗
Because if they're a duo, they fight as a team and they tag team
而且这两位 会为了要做或不要做的事组队
with the things they will and will not do as a couple.
“我们不要家庭护理”
"We're not having home healthcare. Nobody's coming in this house."
“谁也不许进这座房♥子”
[laughter]
“谁也不许进地下室”
"And nobody's going in the basement."
[laughter]
“你地下室有个制毒实验室吗？ 地下室里在搞什么 妈妈？”
"Do you have a meth lab in the basement? What is going on in the basement, Mom?"
[laughter]
对 你就想 “哇”
Yeah, you're just like, "Wow!"
然后你想 “好吧”
And then you think, "Okay. Is it okay-- there's--"
“好吗？这里…”
我有很多兄弟姐妹和表亲 大家都在帮忙
I have tons of siblings, in-laws. Everybody's helpful,
但我妈妈想自己来 可是 真的吗 我们该让她来吗？
but my mom wanted to do it.
But really? Should we? She came home at some point and said,
有时她回到家说
“我觉得我不小心 帮你♥爸♥放弃了物理疗法”
"I think I accidentally quit your dad's physical therapy."