凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

[laughter]
“怎么会这样呢 妈妈？ 你怎么能不小心放弃呢？”
"How does one do that, Mom? How do you accidentally quit?
因为我好奇
'Cause I'm curious." She goes, "Well, 'cause those young gals
她说：“因为那些年轻女孩
我要走时 她们问我们要去哪
when I was leaving asked me where we were going.
我说：“我们要去佛罗里达 再见 跟你们比不了啊”
And I said, 'We're going to Florida. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.'
“但我在开玩笑”
But I was kidding.
“然后我收到了出院包裹”
And I just received an exit package."
天啊
-"Oh, God." -[laughter]
想做这种理疗很难
It is so hard to get accepted to those things.
你得申请 然后被拒 各种破事
You have to apply and denials and all this bullshit.
我就说：“爸爸 跟我来 我们去”
And I'm like, "Dad, come with me. We're going."
他很兴奋 因为第三次中风后
And he's all excited, 'cause after the third stroke,
我不知道发生什么了 但他开始嗑药了
I don't know what happened, but it was like he was on edibles.
成了世界上最快乐的人
Just the happiest human being ever to walk Earth.
他说：“好极了 我们去哪？”
He's like, "Okay, great. Where are we going?"
我说：“帮你重新报名做理疗”
I go, "We're going to re-sign you up for therapy.
我不知道你现在说话 为什么像上世纪20年代的黑帮大佬
And I don't know why you now speak like a 1920s crime boss.
我不明白
-I don't understand." -[laughter]
“这行谁负责？我告诉你…”
"Who's in charge of this racket? I'll tell you what, uh…"
“把我关在家里的头目是哪位？”
[laughter]
"Who's the ringleader keeping me at home so much?
“我觉得是你兄弟”
I think it's your brother. You think it's him? He can be sneaky like that."
“你觉得是他？ 鬼鬼祟祟的样子像是他”
“我觉得他就是头目”
[laughter]
对 他肯定是头目 毫无疑问
"Yep, he's definitely the ringleader. No question about it."
于是我们去再次报名
So we go to sign him up, and this is, you know--
不是开玩笑
this is serious shit. And the girl hands me a clipboard
那女孩给我一个写字板
18页纸 我得帮他填好
with, like, 18 pages of stuff I have to fill out for him.
他跟着我 但不大精神
And he's kind of with me, but you know, a little loopy.
我说：“爸爸 我们得把这个填完 然后你才能走”
I go, "Dad, we have to fill all this out so you can go--"
“好 这应该很有趣 第一个问题是什么？”
"Okay, this is gonna be fun. What's the first question?"
-[laughter] -[Kathleen laughing] Define "fun."
定义一下“有趣”
我说：“第一个问题是
I go, "Well, the first question is,
你在用什么药物？我都得写下来”
what medicines are you taking? I gotta write them all."
他说：“这是个好问题”
He goes, "Oh, that's a good question. I've been dying to report this.
“我一直想报告这事 我在用艾乐妥
So, I was taking Eliquis, which is a medicine to prevent strokes.
预防中风的药”
“截至目前 我三次中风 所以…”
And so far, I'm at three, so…"
[laughter]
“我觉得可以写下来 艾乐妥是垃圾”
"I think it's fair to write 'Eliquis is a piece of shit.'"
[laughter]
然后他说：“不 别那么写”
And he goes, "No, no, no, no. Don't write that.
“那样咒骂我们会被赶出去的”
We'll get thrown out for cursing.
这么写 “艾乐妥对很多人效果不佳”
Put 'Eliquis is an inadequate drug for a large amount of the population.'"
[laughter]
如果是这样的话 好几天才能弄完 对吧？
This is gonna take days if this is how this is gonna go, right?
这只是一个…
That was just one quest-- I go, "All right. Are there any other medicines?"
我说：“好 还有其他药物吗？”
他说：“说实话 我也不记得了”
He goes, "I don't really remember, honestly.
“你妈知道 但她也许会撒谎
Your mom will know. But she might lie,
因为有时我们会分享药物 也不告诉你们这些孩子”
'cause sometimes we split medications and don't tell you kids."
[laughter]
“我好奇啊 你们分享哪些药呢？”
"What kind of drugs are you splitting, Dad? Just curious."
“有时我会把血压药吃一半
"Well, you know, some days I'll eat half my blood pressure pill.
但她很担心 于是我让她吃另一半”
But she's really wound up, so I make her eat the other half."
[laughter]
“她得冷静一下 你妈得学会冷静”
"She's gotta calm down. Your mom needs to learn how to calm down."
我想 我们可以在这再坐两三个小时
And I thought, you know, we could sit here for another two, three hours
才能填好这个表格
filling this out appropriately, or we could just not give a shit.
或者我们就不管它
他83岁了 他犯过心脏病
He's 83, he's had heart attacks, he has stints in him.
他体内有支架 什么都有
He's had everything.
于是我想：“无所谓了”
So, I thought, you know what? It doesn't matter.
于是我每一页都圈上了 说他什么情况都有
So, I just circled on each page that he had everything.
全都有 我都给圈上了
-All of it. I circled all of it. -[laughter]
“对 他有高血压…”
Yes, he has high blood pressure, blah blah blah.
“皮肤癌？天啊 上百万个”
Skin cancer? Oh, Christ. A million of them.
“他砍掉了自己的脑袋、脚…”
He's chopped off his head, his foot.
[laughter]
我把表格交还给那女孩
And I handed it back to the girl, and she looked at it.
她看了看 开始翻页
-She started flipping-- she goes, "Wow!" -[laughter]
她说：“哇”
我说：“我知道 是吧？现代医学”
I go, "I know, right? Modern medicine. 'Cause he's still talking.
“因为他还在讲话 瞧瞧吧 这些乱七八糟的病症”
-Look at all that shit." -[laughter]
“你听到他在墙角说话的声音了吗？ 像是一头友善的熊”
"You hear him over in the corner? Like a friendly bear--
-rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr." -[laughter]
我说：“你认识我妈 你见过她”
I go, "And you know my mom? You've met her.
“小个子 对 一米五多”
The little one. Yeah, five-foot-nothing.
“其实她已经很空虚了”
She's actually hollow. She's had so many body parts removed.
“她的很多器官已经移除了”
她缺了一个肺 少了一个子♥宫♥ 还少了很多淋巴结
She's missing a lung, a uterus, a bunch of lymph nodes, um…
如果你把她的脑袋砍掉 像巨蟒角色那样
Like, if you cut her head off like a Monty Python character
然后把她上下翻转…
and flipped her upside down-- nothing."
什么都倒不出来
[laughter]
“她也还能讲话 他们都还能讲话”
"She's still talking too. They're both still talking.
“你给我解释解释吧”
You explain that to me. 'Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.'"
[laughter]
我觉得相较于给其他人的治疗
And I don't feel like the doctors are particularly helpful with their guidance
医生们给我们的指导不太有用
as to what we're supposed to do with everyone.
也许这涉及合法性 是法律问题 我不知道
I mean, maybe it's a legal thing. I don't know.
但我爸第四次中风后还是能讲话
But, like, my dad had a fourth stroke. He's still talking--
"Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr."
但神经学家进来了
But, like, the neurologist came in,
他说：“好吧 这是他第四次中风
he goes, "Well, this is his fourth stroke.
但我认为一两天后他就可以走了”
But I think in a day or two, he'll be ready to go."
我们的反应是 “往哪走？”
-We're like, "Where?" -[laughter]
“你觉得我们能往哪走？”
-"Where do you think we're going?" -[laughter]
他说：“你们可以带他回家”
He goes, "Well, you guys are gonna take him home."
我说：“天啊 我们不是专业人士”
I go, "Oh, my God. We are not qualified.
“我是喜剧演员 他是有钱人”
I'm a comedian, he's a money guy, she's a teacher,
“她是老师 他有个高薪工作”
he has a fancy job I can't even explain. We-- we are not…"
“我都解释不清 我们不是…”
他说：“您母亲说她是护士”
He goes, "Well, your mom said she was a nurse."
我说：“内战时确实是”
I go, "[scoffs] In the Civil War!"
[laughter]
“看看她吧”
-"Look at her." -[laughter]
“她跟克拉拉巴顿喝过鸡尾酒”
"She had cocktails with Clara Barton.
“我不…”
-I don't…" -[laughter]
她不是一个现代人
"This is not a modern person. Like… And her bedside manner is terrible.
她在病床边的表现也很糟糕 她已经不在乎了
She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't give a shit.
她才不管 她会给他喝威士忌
Like, she'll just make him drink whiskey and bite a stick and snap his legs.
咬他的胳膊、敲他的腿 她…
-She…" -[laughter]
她没法护理我爸
-"She's not the answer." -[laughter]
然后他们就放狠话了
And then they just throw words out like, "Well, maybe hospice,
比如 “要不要考虑临终关怀医院”
“如果生活品质就是这样…”
if this is a quality of life, blah blah blah."
我甚至对此一无所知
And I didn't know anything about it, so I called my friend Tom
于是我给我朋友汤姆打电♥话♥ 因为我知道他妈妈去过临终关怀医院
'cause I knew his mom had gone into hospice.
我说：“嘿 临终关怀医院怎么样？”
And I go, "Hey, what's that hospice deal?
“效果如何？”
Like, how's that working out?" He goes, "I don't know.
他说：“我不知道 我妈妈离开了”
-My mom got out!" -[laughter]
“什么？”
-What? -[laughter]
我问：“你说‘离开了’是什么意思？”
I go, "What do you mean 'got out'?
“我以为这是全程全套服务”
I thought this was a wrapping-it-up kind of situation. I…"
[laughter]
他说：“我也以为是这样”
He goes, "Oh, I did, too. I did, too. They don't tell you that 17% of them,
“他们不会告诉你17%的入院者
一旦断了吃了35年的药
once they take their medicine away they've been taking for 35 years,
他们就突然又像小鸡仔一样活泼了”
boom-- they spring back like chickens."
[laughter]
“他们就不会再接收他们了”
"And then they won't accept them anymore. And I had already sold Mother's house,
“我已经把我妈的房♥子卖♥♥了”
“我他妈现在得再给我妈买♥♥一栋房♥子
and now I gotta go buy Mother another goddamn house
她说最好看起来 跟‘我原来的房♥子’差不多”
that she says 'better look like my original house.'"
[laughter]
“很疯狂”
-"It's crazy." -[laughter]
然后因为部分问题 我就很生气
And then, I got really mad, 'cause, like, some of the questions
我觉得对于医生来说 这不是法律问题
I think for a doctor, it's not a legal thing.
我觉得这是个简单问题 你可以诚实回答
I think it's a softball. You could just answer it honestly.
不 我爸爸说…
No. My dad said after four strokes, his left side's basically not working.
四次中风后 他的左半身已经不好使了
他说：“打扰一下”
-He goes, "Excuse me." -[laughter]