凯瑟琳·麦迪根：家庭群（2025）

[laughter]
你觉得这对女士来说很棒
"The youth think it's awesome for the ladies
我们可以在宝宝啼哭的时候用到
that we can take our babies when they're crying."
我是说我们得加快步伐
-I mean, we've gotta step it up! -[laughter]
这…我跟朋友去过大型教堂
I've been to the mega-churches with friends. They're very friendly.
他们很友善 没有加入门槛
It takes nothing to join. You just walk in,
你走进去 他们就会问 “你爱耶稣吗？”
and they're like, "Well, do you love Jesus?"
“谁不爱耶稣啊？”
"Well, who doesn't?" "Well, welcome!"
“好 欢迎”
整个会议就这样
-That's the whole meeting. -[laughter]
如果你想成为天主教♥徒♥ 可就不是这样了
That is not what's gonna happen if you want to become Catholic.
不 难得多
No, no, no, no, no. Much more difficult.
我有个朋友35岁了 她说：“我小时候家里没有宗教背景
One of my friends who's, like, 35, she goes,
"You know, I wasn't raised with a religion.
所以我在考虑成为天主教♥徒♥”
So, I was thinking maybe I'd become a Catholic."
我都没细想该怎么回答她
And I did not even think about what came out of my mouth.
一切…我就说“天啊”…
-I just went, "Oh, God." Like… -[laughter]
太晚了 你太老了
"It's too late. You're too old. This is like snow skiing--
这就像是滑雪 要学得趁早
you gotta learn when you're young.
长大再学就会疼了
You're just gonna get hurt as you get older.
这不适合你
-It's not a good thing." -[laughter]
别这么做
-"Don't do it." -[laughter]
我们没有做任何简化
We don't make anything easy, and that's what I'm saying.
大型教堂十分热情
Like, with the mega-churches, they're so welcoming.
我们得印成小册子介绍我们做的事
We need to get a brochure going of what we got going on.
我们的卖♥♥点是什么 对吧？
Like, what's our selling points, right?
大型教堂说
Well, the mega-church-- this always freaks me out--
“我们周日的礼拜活动会持续一整天” 这总是会吓到我
when they go, "Now, our services go all day on Sunday."
天啊 持续一整天？
Oh, my God. All day?
天啊 不
Oh, my God. No, no, no.
这是天主教小册子上的第一件事
That's the first thing on the Catholic brochure--
我们的礼拜活动持续45分钟或更短 特别是赶上橄榄球赛季的时候
"Our services last 45 minutes or less, especially in football."
-Boom! -[laughter, cheers, and applause]
大型教堂总是在你出去的时候
Yeah, and then they always catch you with this one
用这句话留住你
on the way out if you're in a mega-church.
他们说 “别忘了 周三还有《圣经》学习”
They're like, "And don't forget we got Bible study on Wednesday."
什么？不
What? No. No, no. I can't come on Wednesday.
我周三来不了 我不能学习《圣经》
I can't study the Bible. I've made it this long without ever…
我这么久了都…没读过
-[laughter] -…reading it. I mean…
我的意思是我不喜欢那种字体
I don't like the font. I find it very disturbing.
我觉得很烦人
[laughter]
我没读过《圣经》这件事 从不会让我烦恼
It's never even bothered me
that, like, I really have not read the Bible.
但八个月前确实让我有点烦
It did bother me, though, about eight months ago
因为当时有日食
because we were having a solar eclipse.
当时大家一直在网上说 “这可能是信徒升♥天♥的神迹”
And then everybody kept saying online this could be a sign of the Rapture.
我就说 “胡扯 我得搞清楚这是怎么回事”
And I'm like, "Shit, right. I gotta find out what that is."
“比如 我可以…”
-Like, I could… -[laughter]
如果到了那个时刻 我却不知道 那该怎么办？
What if it's game on? Like, I don't even know…
于是有个喜剧演员安德鲁
So, there's a comedian, Andrew, and his grandpa
他爷爷来自南方浸信会 上过电视的福音派信徒 是个名人
was a Southern Baptist TV evangelical. Like, a famous guy.
我就想：“安德鲁会明白这事”
I'm like, "Andrew will know."
我给安德鲁打电♥话♥ “安德鲁 我是凯瑟琳”
So, I called Andrew and I go, "Andrew, Kathleen here.
“在五分钟内
In five minutes or less, can you please explain to me
能不能请你给我解释一下 信徒升♥天♥时会发生什么？”
what's gonna go down in the Rapture?"
他说：“有很多种解释”
And he goes, "Well, Kathleen, there's a lot of interpretations."
我说：“你已经搞砸了 安德鲁”
I go, "[buzzer sound]. You already fucked up, Andrew.
“我不在乎那些解释”
-I don't care about all that." -[laughter]
“我只想知道你的看法”
"I just want to know what you think. If you just tell…"
他说：“我就告诉你我学到的版本吧
He goes, "Well, I'll just tell you what I was taught in our religion.
我们的宗教告诉我将有一个时刻
That there's gonna be a moment in time-- it could be tonight,
可能是今晚 也可能是五年或一百年后
it could be five years, a hundred years from now--
所有把耶稣基♥督♥视为救世主的信徒
where all the people that have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior,
耶稣将会回归
Jesus is gonna come back, and they will be raptured immediately with him to heaven.
他们就会立即随他升入天堂”
你的东西还留在这里
Like, all your stuff will still be here, though--
你的衣服、车子和钱包都在
your clothes, your car, your purse, all of it.
你会消失
You're just gonna disappear."
他说：“然后凯瑟琳 你和你的朋友们…
And he said, "And then, Kathleen, like, you and your friends…"
[laughter and cheering]
你们就会沦为我们口中的‘遗留者’”
"You'll be what we call the 'Left Behinds.'"
[laughter]
我说：“好吧 这样 我会想你的 安德鲁”
And I said, "Okay, well, here's the thing.
I will miss you, Andrew. I really like hanging out with you.
“我很喜欢跟你出去玩”
“但现在你刚告诉我
But so far, you've just told me that I'll just be left
我会跟我的犹太朋友们留下
with my Jewish friends, my Lutheran friends, my Methodist friends,
我的路德教朋友、循道宗朋友 我们会拥有你们的财物”
-and we have all your stuff. So…" -[laughter]
“所以…”
有什么缺点呢？有什么惩罚？
"I'm not… where's the downside?
What's the catch? What's happening?"
他说：“惩罚是有的 结局不会好”
And he goes, "Well, there is a catch. It's not gonna be good.
“因为升♥天♥七年后
Because for seven years after the Rapture,
就会有审判、磨难、战争和饥荒”
there's gonna be trials and tribulations and wars and famine.
“到时候活在世上可就要受苦了”
It's not gonna be a good time to be alive on Earth at all.
“不过 七年后 耶稣会再次回归”
However, at the end of that seven years,
Jesus is gonna come back again. And if you've accepted Jesus Christ
“如果你在七年的周期里 接受耶稣基♥督♥作为你的拯救者
within that seven-year timeframe as your personal savior,
你就也能升♥天♥”
boom!-- you're getting raptured too."
我说：“好吧 这就是他们 从不告诉我们天主教♥徒♥的原因”
I go, "Oh, well, then that's why they never told us Catholics."
因为你不能告诉我们 还有最后一轮的机会…
'Cause you can't tell us there's a last call, like…
[laughter and cheering]
[cheers and applause]
截止日期前我们都不会采取行动
We are not gonna act right till the deadline.
这就是我们的本性
I mean, that's just part of us.
六年半后才会有人说
There's gonna be that six-and-a-half-year mark where somebody's gonna go,
“伙计们 醒醒酒吧”
"Come on, guys, sober up. We have to get our shit together.
“我们得振作起来 他要回来了”
-He's coming back!" -[laughter]
然后就会开始争吵
And then the arguing will start-- "Well, what are we supposed to do?"
“我们该怎么办？”
“你们得接受耶稣作为你们的拯救者”
"You're supposed to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
“我不是在坚振礼上就接受过了吗？”
"I thought I did that at Confirmation."
“显然没有 因为我们还在这啊
"Well, clearly not, 'cause we're still fucking here, Kathleen.
我们还留在这呢”
-We're still here!" -[laughter]
“好吧”
"Okay, okay. No reason to get crazy."
“没必要疯掉”
然后我问安德鲁：“你相信这些吗？”
And I said to Andrew, "Do you believe that? Seriously?"
他认真地说：“有时信吧”
He goes, "Sometimes. And then sometimes I think, nah.
“有时也觉得不靠谱”
“然后有时一连串事情发生”
But then sometimes things will happen in a row like world events
“比如世界大事 我就想
where I'm like, 'Ooh, that was kind of close to what I was taught.'"
‘这跟人家的说法好像’”
我说：“好吧”
I go, "Okay, so, when you've seen those things in a row,
“那么当你看到连锁事件发生 是最近的事吗？”
would those have been recently?"
他说：“断断续续吧”
And he's like, "Kind of off and on."
我说：“你觉得这一切 在你看来
I go, "Do you think this whole thing would happen by the fall?"
[laughter]
会在今年秋天发生吗？”
"In your opinion?"
他说：“今年有何特别 凯瑟琳？”
He goes, "Why would the season matter, Kathleen?"
我说：“好吧 我不想显得掉价
I go, "Well, I don't want to sound cheap, but I was just thinking,
但我在想 我参加了三个梦幻体育联赛
like, I'm in three fantasy leagues, and it's $200 a pop,
每个都得交200美元呢”
“你得在9月1日前付款
and you have to have your money in by September 1st.
如果我知道我们10月3日就没了
And if I know that we're not gonna be here, like, October 3rd,
我就不会付那笔钱了”
I'm not gonna pay that,
“然后我会玩 免费一个月的橄榄球游戏”
and then I'm gonna play free football for a whole month.
“我会把责任都推到Venmo账户上 就说那软件故障了”
I'll bullshit about my Venmo going,
'Yeah, it's broken. I don't know. I sent it.'"
“我也不知道 我转完钱了”
[laughter]
我喜欢《梦幻橄榄球》 我太喜欢了
I love fantasy football. I love it so much.
这个岁数才发现这个游戏 我太遗憾了
And I'm so sad that I found it, like, late in life.
我心想 哎？
So, I thought, "You know what, I wish somebody had taught me when I was a kid."
要是小时候有人教我这个就好了
于是我为我的外甥和外甥女 设立了一个游戏联盟
So, I set up a fantasy league for my nieces and nephews
他们还不到13岁
under the age of 13. You had to be 13 or less.
你得是13岁以下
好吗？所以他们能学会正确赌博
Right, so that they can learn to gamble properly.
然后…
[laughter]
买♥♥进需要20美元 我觉得我挺仁慈了
And it was a $20 buy-in, which I thought was very lenient.
不 短♥信♥说…
No. The texts-- "I don't have it. I don't have $20, Aunt Kat."
“凯特阿姨 我没有20美元”
我心想 “胡说 你参加过第一次圣餐仪式了”
I'm like, "Bullshit. You had a First Communion.
“你有20美元 别骗我了”