国际瀑布城

I guarantee you, you will still be here,
但我早已远走高飞
but I will be long gone.
我到那时早就走了
I will be long gone.
看 是烟酒店的那位女士
Oh, look, it is the lady from the liquor store
我想你们都认识
as I'm sure you all know.
你好啊 还有 我当时怎么跟你说的
Hello, and what did I tell you when I met you?
我说我不擅长讲笑话
I said I'm not very good at this
你最好别来听 对吗
and you should not come... didn't I?
所以 要怪就怪你自己
So, this is on you.
坦白讲 你也不是很擅长你的工作
And frankly, you're not so great at your job either.
话太多了 你话太多了
Little chatty. Little chatty is all I'm saying.
咱们降落吧
Let's land this thing...
他们在兴登堡号♥上就是这么说的
which is what they said on the Hindenburg.
德国氢气飞艇 在新泽西州尝试降落时烧毁
用下面这个笑话结束我的演出生涯吧
Um, I'll go out on this. This is my closer.
最后一个了
This is my closer.
我经常巡演
I'm on the road a lot.
很多很多巡演 但我从未背叛过我妻子
I am on the road a lot, um, but I don't cheat on my wife.
我妻子呢 建议我们来次电♥话♥性♥爱♥
Um, and my wife suggested that we have phone sex,
但我很快意识到
but I quickly realized that it was
这世上最可悲的事
the saddest thing in the world
就是跟自己的妻子玩电♥话♥性♥爱♥
to have phone sex with my wife,
因为这更像
because it's really more about my wife
我妻子在控制我自♥慰♥
just controlling what I masturbate to.
情况大概是这样的
And it goes a little something like this.
我妻子说
My wife says...
"可以了 开始吧"
"Okay, go."
然后
And so...
我就开始撸管了
I start masturbating.
然后射了
And I cum.
然后我妻子说"你完事了吗"
And my wife goes... "Are you finished?"
我说"完事了"
And I say, "Yes."
然后我妻子说"晚安 变♥态♥"
And, uh, and my wife goes, "Goodnight, sicko."
我说"晚安
I go, "Goodnight...
我爱你"
I love you."
好了 我说完了
So, that's my time.
我是蒂姆·弗莱彻
Uh, I'm Tim Fletcher.
然后
And...
抱歉讲得不好
sorry about that.
好吧 那么
Okay, uh, all right, um.
大家再给我们的表演嘉宾
Everybody give another round of applause
蒂姆·弗莱彻来点掌声吧
for our headliner, Tim Fletcher.
谢谢你 我们绝对忘不了你的表演 我想
Thank you. We will definitely remember that. I, I want to...
来参加我的退休派对吧
Let's go to my retirement party.
这周末我们确实有喜剧表演
...we do have comedy here, uh, on the weekends.
你是故意这么做的吗
Did you know that was going to happen?
不是
No.
喝伏特加吗
Vodka?
好
Uh, sure.
你要嗑药吗
Do you want a pill?
不了 谢谢 今天不用了
No. No, thanks, not tonight.
其实
You know...
一个真正好笑的笑话
when it really works...
能笑死人的那种
and you're actually killing...
不该是我为了逗他们讲的
it's not me versus them,
不该分什么演员和听众 只有我们
a performer, an audience, it's just us.
我们在对话
A conversation.
但你买♥♥的傻♥逼♥笑话书会说
And your stupid books will say that there's
笑话是有一套体系的
a structure to a joke...
但其实没有
but there's not.
我的意思是我们本就知道笑话的体系
I mean, there is, but we all already know it
因为我们是人 我们每天都在讲笑话
because we're human beings and we do it every day.
就比如 我说"兄弟 这天儿热得就像
Like, if I say, "Man, the weather's so hot, it's like...
就像我是在谁的嘴里走路一样"
I'm walking around inside somebody's mouth."
没错
Exactly.
对话就是这样 不是吗
Because that's what a conversation is, right?
我们只是在期待别人的回应
It's just looking for some sort of reaction.
可能是笑 可能是哭
It could be a laugh, it could be a cry.
但总得有个回应
But just some sort of response.
其他的都是铺垫
Then everything else is just the setup.
你现在还想当个喜剧演员吗
Do you still want to be a comedian?
更想了
More than ever.
我保证我不是在劝你放弃
I promise I'm not trying to talk you out of it.
天 你要是这么做了可太讨厌了
Jesus, I'd hate to see if you did.
好吧
Okay.
你最好现在开始把每件事都写下来
Then you got to start writing like, everything down.
好收集笑话 我的意思是
To get jokes, I mean.
你现在必须留心
But you have to start paying attention
那些让你火大的事
to the things that piss you off.
那些下流的混♥蛋♥还有不起眼的蠢货
People that are assholes, oblivious dickheads,
或者是你脑子里萌生出的
or the most fucked up darkest thoughts
最邪恶阴暗的想法
that only come out of your brain.
以及任何能激起你情感反应的事情
Whatever gets some sort of emotional reaction out of you.
之后想想怎么让它们变有趣
Figure out what makes it funny later.
然后写下来
Write it down.
你这么做吗
Do you do that?
这些是笑话吗
These are jokes?
不是
No.
是像日记一样的东西吗
Oh, like a, like a diary?
不是
No.
周记吗
Journal.
不是 其实像是
No. It's like a...
一个人想法的札记
man's log book of his thoughts.
你很沮丧 对吗
You're really sad, aren't you?
我猜我 是挺沮丧的
Yeah, I guess I'm... pretty sad.
我不想再装成不沮丧的样子了
I'm just tired of pretending like I'm not.
等会
Wait.
你确定要这么做吗
Are you sure you want to do this?
确定
Yeah.
那你确定吗
Are you sure you want to do this?
先说好 你在利用我 对吗
But to be clear, you're using me, right?
没错
Yeah.
你也在利用我 不是吗
And you're using me, right?
千真万确
Big time.
"凡我眼所求的 我没有留下不给他的"
"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired."
-我喜欢这句的感觉 -不错
- I like the sound of that. - Hmm. Yeah.
"我心所乐的 我没有禁止不享受的"
"I refused my heart no pleasure."
我喜欢这句
I like the sound of that.
"后来 我察看我手所经营的一切事
"Yet, when I surveyed all that my hands had done
和我劳碌所成的功
and what I had toiled to achieve...
谁知都是虚空
everything was meaningless.
都是捕风
A chasing after the wind.
在日光之下毫无益处"
Nothing was gained under the sun."
最后这部分还挺压抑的
Man, that last part was depressing.
但开头不错
But the beginning was nice.
我喜欢传道书
I like Ecclesiastes.
-你还知道这是传道书里面的 -是啊
- You knew that was Ecclesiastes? - Yeah.
你信上帝吗
Do you believe in God?
我想我跟其他路德宗信徒一样虔诚
I mean, I suppose as much as any Lutheran does.
以马丁·路德的宗教思想为依据的教会团体之统称
所以你去教堂咯
So you go to church.
没错 加里是委员会成员
Yep, Gary's on a council.
那路德教♥徒♥都信什么
What, what do Lutherans believe?
简而言之就是你不需要教皇就能上天堂
Well, basically you don't need the pope to go to heaven.
所以你相信有天堂
So you believe in heaven.
我不知道 我是说 拜托
I, I don't know. I mean, come on.
-我没有开玩笑 -只是
- I'm not making fun. - It's just.
我妈妈去年去世了 就这样
No, it... My mom died last year, that's all.
抱歉
I'm sorry.
没事
Yeah.
我守着她到了生命的终结
I was with her in the end.
我看着她走的