国际瀑布城

讲点真话
Tell me something real.
真话
Something real.
今晚是我最后一次表演了
This is going to be my last set.
什么意思
What do you mean?
算是退休了吧
I'm sort of retiring.
-不干单口喜剧了吗 -对
- From standup? - Yeah.
-为什么 -我讨厌这工作
- Why? - I hate it.
真的 特别讨厌
I hate it, I do.
我不擅长并且讨厌它
I'm not good at it and I hate it.
我是说 你肯定还是对它有点热爱的
I mean, you must've loved it at some part.
什么时候 什么时候开始的
When did it, when did it start?
-怎么开始的 -我不知道 我想
- How did you start? - I don't know. I guess...
我在采访里一般会说
the answer I give in all of the interviews
但我其实没接受过采访
that I do, I don't do interviews,
我会说 我从小就看喜剧专辑长大的
is, um, that I grew up listening to comedy albums
看乔治·卡林和莱尼·布鲁斯
of people like, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce
还有理查德·普赖尔
and Richard Pryor.
三者均为知名喜剧演员
-是真的吗 -假的
- Is that the truth? - No.
那 你为什么干这个
Okay, well, then why do you do it?
是什么让你想干这个的
What makes you do it?
因为我一无所有 自私自利 还害怕吧
I'm vain, I'm selfish, I'm afraid, I guess.
害怕什么
Afraid of what?
所有人 所有事
Everyone, everything.
像是我使了一招先发制人 你懂吗
I guess it's, a, like a preemptive strike, you know?
在你取笑我之前 我先自嘲
I'm going to make fun of me before you make fun of me,
-因为我知道会被嘲笑的 -你害怕我吗
- 'cause I know it's coming. - Are you afraid of me?
怕
Yeah.
非常怕
Terrified.
为什么
Why?
因为你真实
Because you're authentic.
你听别人说过这个吗
You know what they say it takes to get,
怎么能做好喜剧
like, really good at comedy?
要发掘自己 找到自己的特色 你懂吗
You know, like finding your voice, do you know what that is?
明白
Yeah.
我从没发掘出来过
I don't think I ever found mine.
也不想再发掘了
I'm kind of done looking for it.
我不会睡你的
I'm not going to fuck you.
我们走着瞧
We'll see about that.
操
Shit.
怎么了 是谁
What, who is it?
是加里
Gary.
-我♥操♥ -没事的
- Oh, shit! - Nah, it's fine.
-没事 -没事的
- Fine? - It's fine.
他就像个机器人
He's basically a robot.
他是谁
Who's that?
昨晚的喜剧演员
Uh, that's the, the comic from last night.
他今晚还有一场
He's performing again tonight.
他 他很重要 上司让我今天
He's... he's kind of a big deal so they wanted me
带他四处转转
to show him around today.
知道了 他上电视吗
Okay. He on TV?
经常上
Tons.
你昨晚在电♥话♥里跟我说的话
So... what you said to me last night on the phone.
加里 我当时很生气 我
I was angry, Gary, I...
对不起 迪
I'm sorry, Dee.
对不起 迪 我太蠢了
I'm so sorry, Dee. And, and I'm so stupid.
真♥他♥妈♥ 我都不知道我当时在想什么
Holy hell, I don't even know what the hell I was thinking.
事情就发生了
It just happened, you know?
还有
And...
我想你 我很想你
I miss you. I miss you so much.
我太想你了
I miss you so much.
女儿们吓坏了
The girls are scared.
加里 别拿女儿说事
Don't you dare bring those girls into this, Gary.
我没有 我 我只是 她们
I'm not, I'm not. I... they...
我什么也没说 但是她们
I didn't tell them nothing, they just...
她们知道你昨晚没回家
they know that you didn't come home last night.
也 也知道你今天一直没回家
And, and, uh, they know you haven't been home today.
你告诉我我该怎么做
Will you just tell me what to do?
我对不起你 我不是
I'm so sorry, I didn't...
我对不起你 迪 我对不起你
I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm so sorry, Dee.
回家去吧 加里
Just go home, Gary.
回去吧
Just go home.
操蛋
Fuck.
你刚才说 今晚是你最后一场表演了
So, you're saying tonight's your... your last show ever.
对 我是那么想的
Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying.
那我不能错过 对吧
Well, I got to see that, right?
如果你想给自己找罪受 那就来吧
I mean, if you're a glutton for punishment, yeah.
假设现在是1996年的话
Here's something that's hot off the presses,
有这么个新鲜事
if you pretend like it's 1996.
那会大家刚开始用DVD看小黄♥片♥
You know, they just started putting, uh, porn out on DVD.
很新潮
Pretty cool.
但我不确定我们是否需要
I'm not sure we need, uh,
那些额外内容
the bonus features though, you know?
对吧 我们需要吗
You know, do we need that?
我们真的想看吗
You know, do we need that?
我们需要听导演念旁白说
Do we need the director's commentary?
"天快黑了"吗
"We're losing the light."
然后辛娜蒙 辛娜蒙过来跟我说
And, uh, and then , comes up to me
她说"我发现我得了艾滋病"
and said, "Um, I just found out that I have HIV,"
然后我告诉她"辛娜蒙 你可是个演员
and I was like, "well, , you're an actress.
好好利用它"然后我觉得
Just use it." And I think,
看她的表演 确实能看出她得了艾滋病
I think you can see the HIV in her performance.
还有布莱兹
And, uh, Blaze.
布莱兹就跟个泰迪犬一样整天日来日去
Blaze has been fucking all day, man,
日到自己一滴都没有了
and he couldn't, he couldn't cum anymore.
我还记得他鸡♥巴♥里射出来的是烟
I remember smoke was coming out of his dick,
只有烟
it was just smoke.
拜托
Ah, come on.
我在讲笑话 对吗
We're having fun, right?
你们不觉得好笑吗
Are you guys not having fun?
不
Oh, no.
我们不喜欢这笑话
Oh, no, we don't like this.
告诉你我们喜欢什么 我们喜欢冰上垂钓
I'll tell you what we like, we like ice fishing.
我们觉得那才有意思
That's what we think is fun.
还有多长时间
How much longer?
天呐
Oh, my God.
我的天
Oh, my God
没事 再来几个 再来几个
All right, here we go, here we go.
咱们来找点乐子 来看看我和我的鸡♥巴♥
Let's have fun. Here's an impression of me and my dick.
牛逼不
Pretty cool, right?
去他的 现在还剩多长时间
Fuck it. Now how much time do we have?
真就没人理我呗
Come on. Nobody's with me?
算了 你们知道吗
Um, you know what?
我压根就不在乎 真的
I don't really care, to be honest.
♪ 我不在乎你们 一群乡巴佬 ♪
♪ I don't care about you You rednecks ♪
好吧 继续讲笑话 继续讲
All right, here we go, here we go.
抱歉 抱歉 抱歉 抱歉 抱歉 抱歉
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
才怪 去你们的
Not really, fuck you. Um.
烂透了 傻♥逼♥
You suck, man!
是啊
Yeah.
没错我是烂透了 兄弟
Yeah, I do suck, bro.
但我知道我很差劲 我这些年
But I know I suck and I've been trying to
一直在告诉别人我很差劲 好吗
tell people that for years, okay?
但我敢承认
But I'm owning it.
今晚我就在告诉你们
Tonight I'm owning it.
我到底有多烂
How much I suck.
但你们也得有一点自知之明 兄弟
And you should own how much you suck, dude.
还有 去你们妈的吧
You should also go fuck yourself.
咱们十年后在这里重聚
So let's meet back here in ten years.
我敢保证你们这帮人还会待在这儿
You guys will all still be here, I guarantee you that.
我保证 你们还会在这儿