国际瀑布城

别毁了我的狂欢夜
Don't you ruin guys' night for me.
别跟我说你有多羡慕我的婚姻
Now's not the time to be telling me
现在不是个好时候
how much you admire my commitment to my wife.
明天你尿尿时有灼痛感的时候
Tomorrow when you find out that it burns when you pee.
再来告诉我婚姻有多美好
Yeah, then you can tell me how swell my marriage is,
但不是今晚 今晚不行"
but not tonight, not tonight."
你好
Hello.
你今晚很有趣
You were funny tonight.
谢谢
Oh, thank you.
继续
Keep going.
停 停 停 停 停
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
非常感谢
Thank you so much.
给你拿条毛巾吗
Can I get you a towel?
不 不 我用床单就行了
Uh, no, no, I can just use the sheet.
好的
It's okay.
谢谢 刚刚真的很舒服
Well, thank you, that was really nice.
很棒
It was really great.
什么
What?
这个
The, uh.
-很棒 -好吧 你知道的
- It was great. - Oh, uh, yeah, well, you know.
这又不难
It's not rocket science.
如果你仔细想想
It is if you think about it.
我试着不去想那个 所以
Yeah, I try not to think about that, so.
-我猜有点恶心 -是的
- Yeah, I guess it is a little bit gross. - yeah.
你要喝一杯吗
Uh, do you want a drink?
-你想喝一杯吗 -不用了
- Do you want a drink? - Uh, no.
不用了 抱歉
No, sorry.
我得走了
Uh, I have to go.
好吧
Uh, okay.
你开车没问题吧
Um, do you think you're okay to drive?
没事
Uh, yeah, yes, uh.
我没喝醉
Yeah, I'm not drunk.
你之前看起来像喝醉了
You seemed kind of drunk before.
对 我知道 我装的
Yes, I know. I was pretending.
我简直
It's so…
我为什么这么做 我为什么要装醉
Why did I do that? Why did I act drunk?
因为管用吗
Because it works?
好吧
Okay.
请留言
Please leave your message.
喂 是我
Hey, it's me.
我只是想跟他聊聊
I was just hoping to talk to him.
你们能给我回个电♥话♥吗
Uh, can you guys give me a call, please?
宝贝 表演好看吗
Hey, babe. How was the show?
露丝生病了
Hey, uh, Ruthie got sick
所以 我要去替她的班
and, uh, needs me to cover for her.
-整晚吗 -恐怕是的
- All night? - Uh, yeah, afraid so.
太糟糕了
Oh, that stinks.
要我给你带换洗衣服吗
You need me to bring you a change of clothes?
不用 没问题 酒店都有
Uh, no, it's okay, I got stuff at the hotel.
晚安 爱你
Have a good night. Love you!
我确实想喝一杯
I do want that drink.
-好吧 -只是喝酒
- Okay. - And that is all.
好吧
Okay.
我不会和你上♥床♥
I'm not going to fuck you.
-好 -也不会给你手♥淫♥
-Cool. - And no more hand stuff either.
之前太可怕了
That was horrible.
我同意 很可怕
I agree, that was horrible.
你还想让我进去吗
Do you still want me to come in?
更想了
More than ever.
好吧
Okay.
我有 伏特加 和伏特加
I have, uh, vodka or vodka.
还有一些苏格兰威士忌
Or some scotch.
伏特加 谢谢
Uh, vodka, please.
没问题
Okay.
所以 我想你是这附近的人
So, um, I take it you're from around here.
对 但我不是在这长大的
Uh, yeah, but I, I wasn't raised here.
好吧
Oh, okay.
你 你叫什么
what, what is your name?
你认真的吗
Are you serious?
我记得我们没说过名字
I don't think we said our names.
我们绝对说过
We totally said our names.
-你叫 -我们绝
- What was it? - We to...
迪
Dee.
迪 对
Dee. Yeah.
全名是
Short for?
没有全名 只有对没创意的父母
Nothing, just unimaginative parents.
好吧 我叫蒂姆
Oh. Well, I'm Tim.
全名是蒂莫西
Short for Timothy.
是的
Yes.
我父母很有创意
I had very imaginative parents.
你怎么不喝酒
Well, why aren't you drinking?
不怎么喜欢喝
Ah, just not much of a drinker.
是的 很明显
Yeah, clearly.
我喜欢做好喝酒的准备
I like to be prepared to drink,
以免突然要开派对
just in case a party breaks out.
所以 你表演时撒谎了吗
So, was that a lie in your act?
我喜欢喝酒 事实上 我爱喝酒
I like to drink. In fact, I love to drink
因为我擅长喝酒
'cause I'm good at drinking.
但喝酒对我来说并不是什么复杂的事
But drinking for me is not a sophisticated activity.
你知道有些人喜欢喝一小口
You know those people that have, like, a sip.
然后说有橡木味或花香味之类的
And they use words like oaky or bouquet.
这些人 他们让我想
Those people, they make me want to...
他们让我想喝酒
Well, they make me want to drink.
他们让我想喝酒 事实上 我不得不喝
They make me want to drink. In fact, I have to drink
如果我和那些人在一起
if I hang out with those people.
好吧 所以 当一个喜剧演员说
Okay, so, when a comedian says,
"我昨天去车管局了"
"I went to the DMV yesterday."
是的 这 这都是放屁
Yeah, that's, that's bullshit.
他可能确实去过车管局
I mean, he may have gone to the DMV at some point,
但绝对不是昨天
but definitely wasn't yesterday.
那为什么说成昨天
Then why say yesterday?
我不知道 我猜是为了有趣
I don't know, I guess it's funnier than saying,
比"我去年去过车管局"好
"I went to the DMV last year."
我觉得"去年"更有趣
Yeah, well, I think it would be more funny.
你在取笑笑话体系
Then you're making fun of the structure of the joke,
这样的话你就成了另类喜剧演员
in which case you'd be an alt comic,
另类喜剧即非主流 前卫的单口喜剧
但车管局发生的事
but what happened in the DMV
和笑话的笑点没关系
has nothing to do with the punchline.
所以为什么讲这个
So then why tell the joke?
好问题
That's a good question.
所以
So.
所以你表演时说的全是谎话吗
So was everything in your act a lie?
不
No.
所以你结婚了
So you're married.
是的 严格来说
Yeah, technically.
我在分居
I'm separated.
他们正在起草离婚协议
Divorce papers being drafted as we speak.
-对不起 -没事
-I'm sorry. - Yeah
-你结婚了 -是的
- And you're married. - Yes.
有两个女儿
Two daughters.
-那很少见 -对 对
- Well, that's out of the way. - Yeah, yeah.
好吧 我以为那会很尴尬
Yeah. Thought that would be awkward.
不 不
No, no.
不 不尴尬 就
No, it's not awkward. That's...
就是这样我现在才很开心
that's why I'm having so much fun.
-是吗 -是的
- Yeah, right? - Yes.
你有毒品吗
Do you have any drugs?
我有阿普唑仑
I have Xanax.
一种强效镇静剂 可治疗焦虑症 易上瘾
你有焦虑症吗
Oh, do you have anxiety issues?