周年快乐（2018）

你啊
You. Mmm.
你的狗臭死了 你一点都不臭
And your dog smells like shit.
你不…天啊 你臭死了
You don't… Oh, gosh, you stink.
以上是本地的天气报导 我是赫尔史东
From your weather zone downtown, I'm Hal Storm.
你是一个愚蠢的烂人
Uh, you a stupid fucking piece of shit.
我要开你的货车
Hey, I'm taking your truck.
听好了…帮我加满汽油 特级98无铅 好吗？
Hey, fill 'em up with gas after. Supreme octane, huh?
为什么？你快死了 对吗？
Why? You're dying, right?
有道理 普通的就好
Good point. Regular.
我为何没有在你生病前对你好一点？
Why wasn't I nicer to you before you got sick?
当时我是混♥蛋♥
Uh, I was asshole.
是啊 你罹癌之后讨喜多了
Yeah. You're much better with cancer.
谢谢你
Thank you.
还是特级的好了
Make it, uh, supreme.
什么事 负心女？
What up, Destroyer?
-他跟你在一起吗？ -没有
- Is he with you? - No.
他都没有接电♥话♥
He's not answering his phone.
所以他终于想通了
Guess our boy's finally gotten some sense.
艾德 很抱歉这么说 但我爱山姆 而且爱得很深
Ed, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but I love our Sam. Like a lot.
可恶
Oh, shit.
-艾德… -不
- Ed… - No.
不是的
No.
这样很好 我很高兴 只是…
It's good. I'm glad. It's…
你赶快怀孕 好吗？ 我无法独自升格为爸爸
Hurry up and get pregnant, okay? I can't do this shit alone.
-你知道他在哪里吗？ -他说…
- Do you know where he is? - He said…
抱歉 我觉得帮你是天大的错误
Sorry, it feels incredibly wrong to be helping you,
但我相信你真的很爱他
but I believe you truly love him,
所以我就直说了
so I'm just gonna power through this.
我不知道他去哪里 但他有提到乔琪雅
I don't know where he went, but he said something about Georgia.
喂？
Hello?
喂？
Hello?
吃屎吧你
Oh, fuck it in the ass!
预产期是何时？
Oh, when's it due?
不说吗？
No?
有人吗？
Hello?
他在这里吗？
Is he here?
饼干
Cookies!
没有饼干 小子
Oh, no cookies, buddy.
那些女童军来过之后
Ever since the Girl Scouts came,
他就以为所有敲门的人都有饼干
he thinks everyone who comes to the door has cookies.
乔琪雅 谁在外面？
George, who's there?
我…很抱歉打扰你
Um… I… I'm so sorry to bother you.
我的货车抛锚了
My-My truck broke down.
还有我的手♥机♥电池
And my cell phone battery
也掉在某个地方…
just fell out somewhere and…
进来吧
Come on in.
真的吗？
Really?
好吧
Okay.
对 好的
Uh-huh. Okay.
太棒了 谢谢你
Great. Thank you.
好 那我去外面等拖吊车吧
Okay. Well, I guess I'll wait outside for the tow truck.
我知道你是谁
I know who you are.
-什么？ -我们分手后他就跟你交往
- Excuse me? - You're the next girl after me.
我在脸书上追踪了你一年
I Facebook stalked you for like a year.
对了 你怎么会找到我？
How'd you find me, by the way?
寻人网站
Peoplesearch.com.
只要20美元 我就…
- Oh. - It was $20. I just…
问妈妈有没有洗我的黑色牛仔裤
Let's ask Mommy if she washed my black jeans.
-因为妈妈说… -亲爱的
- Because Mommy said she… - Hi, honey.
-她是莫莉 -你好
- This is Mollie. - Hi.
你记得我的前男友山姆吗？
Do you remember Sam, my ex?
对 应该吧
Uh, yeah, I think.
莫莉刚跟他分手 还以为他会跑来找我
Mollie just broke up with him and was sure he'd come running to me.
这个超级性感的女人 很确定她的男朋友…
This super-hot piece of ass was sure that her boyfriend
会想要我
wanted this.
是吗 莫莉？
Isn't that right, Mollie?
对
Yes. Oh.
我不认为我很性感 但是…
Well, I don't know about the hot piece of ass part, but…
-他对你的老婆念念不忘 -是啊
- He has a thing for your wife. - That's right.
他的个性依旧迷人而古怪吗？
Does he still have that charming, quirky deal going on?
对
Oh, yes.
呆呆的 但很性感
He's like nebbish but hot.
是啊
Yeah.
总之 我们来解决那个 超级重要的洗衣难题吧
Anyway, why don't we get back to that super-important laundry dilemma.
你知道吗？没关系
Ach. You know what? It's all good.
爸爸自己去洗就好了
Daddy's gonna wash them himself.
-好的 -好的
- Okay. - Okay.
爱你喔 小子
Love you, little man.
-再见 -再见 -再见 -再见
- Bye. - Yeah, bye. -Bye. -Bye-bye!
-再见 -很高兴认识你
- Bye. - Nice to meet you.
-很尴尬吧？ -对
- Awkward, huh? - Yes.
-没关系 -我告辞了
- It's okay. - I'll go.
-再见 -再见
- Bye. - Bye.
我们应该去那里
Ooh. Hey, we should go there.
-那个地方？ -对
- That place? - Yeah.
-你要拼装业余无线电吗？ -不 我是认真的
- You want to build a ham radio? - No, I'm serious.
他们卖♥♥的废物跟电器城差不多 只是更多
They have the stuff nobody wants at Radio Shack, just more of it.
喂
Hey.
相信我
Trust me.
-太惊人了 -对
- That was amazing. - Yeah.
-真高兴我决定进来参观 -是啊
- I'm so happy I chose to stop here. - Uh-huh.
-我再去买♥♥一杯思乐冰暴 -好 拜托了
- I'm gonna go get us another Flizzard. - Yes, please.
你为何等这么久？再去买♥♥一杯好吗？
Why are you waiting so long? Can you please get another one?
而且要用很独特的方式走过去
And walk there in a very unique way.
这样还不够独特
More unique than that.
（思乐冰暴）
味道变了
It doesn't taste the same.
什么？
What?
少了她的味道就变了
It doesn't taste the same without her.
你要多付1美元加巧克力豆吗？
Would you like to add more Reese's for a dollar?
好
Okay.
山姆？
Sam?
瞧 琳西？我就说是他
See, Lindsay? I told you it was him.
-不… -你说对了
- No, no. - You were right.
-我要给你亲亲 -快点
-You get nuzzles. -Hurry it up.
-亲一下、两下、三下… -请你再快一点
- You get one, two, three… - You got to do it faster.
-莫莉在里面吗？ -我只要买♥♥几样东西
- Is Mollie inside? - I'm just picking up some things.
-我们也是 -很高兴见面 谢谢
- Us too. - It's good to see you. Thanks.
-我超爱那些 -我们正要去里欧卡梅拉
- I love those. - We're on our way to Rio Carmella.
-你听过吗？ -没有
- Do you know it? - No.
叫做“豪华露营” 五星级的露营
Called “glamping.” It's like luxury-style camping.
他们提供所有的东西
They provide everything.
睡袋里还有羽绒被
Down comforters for sleeping bags.
采用欧式设计的欧式帐篷 非常美
European-style tents that are based on European designs, of course. Amazing.
-浪漫得不得了 -我不敢相信真的成行了
- It's incredibly romantic. - I can't believe we're actually going.
-我们应该拍照 -对 祝好运
- We should take a photo. - You should. Good luck with that.
-我会去社群媒体欣赏 -这是很重要的时刻
- I'll check it out on Instagram. - It is a huge moment.
我不要拍 才不要
I'm not taking it. I'm not doing it.
-你能不能…好吧 -我会像这样
- Can you fuck… Here we go. - I want to be like this.
-好 准备好了吗？ -我们可以摆出经典姿势
- Here we go. Ready? - I think we'll do one of our classics.
准备…
Ready and… Whoo!
-不… -那真是…
- Oh, no, the… - That was…
-好吧 算了 -没关系
- Okay. Well, all right. - That's okay.
-抱歉 先生？你好 -你好
- Sorry. Sir? Hi. - Hi.
-迅速帮我们拍一张 -对 快点
- Just snap us really quick. - Yeah, quick.
-好的… -可以了
- Okay, and… - Yeah, okay.
所以就…三秒后就摆姿势
So just… And emerge in three.
二、一
Two, one.
有人吗？
Hello?
山姆？
Sam?
管他的