周年快乐（2018）

我们开始激烈地争吵
So we get into this very real fucking fight.
然后她非但没有解决问题
Then instead of dealing with it,
反而跑回她的爸妈家
she goes and runs off to her fucking parents.
不 我不相信
No, I don't buy it.
不对 她可能跟备胎在一起
No, she's probably with a rebound guy.
直接骑上另一个男人的大雕
Rebounding right onto another dude's genitals.
你想怎么说莫莉都行 她绝对不会做这种事
Say what you will about Mollie, she'd never do anything like that.
你好天真喔
Oh, you're naive.
-女人就像狗 -哇 我是以爱狗人的立场出发
- Women are like dogs. - Wow. I say that as a dog lover.
但事实是你必须趁早建立威信
But the truth is, you have to establish dominance early,
-否则它们就会尿在地毯上 -好的
- or they'll piss all over your rug. - Okay.
顺带一提 我们一直很讨厌她
For the record, we've always hated her.
“我们”是谁？
Who's “we”?
我跟你妈会用脸书传讯
Me and your mum. We Facebook message.
我妈会用脸书？ 这是你的问题 兄弟
My mom's on Facebook? This is your problem, mate.
莫莉是那种让人晕头转向
Mollie is some flip-over-your-head,
无病呻♥吟♥又难搞的臭女人
bicycle kick, high-degree-of-difficulty shit.
谈感情根本没有这么难
It doesn't have to be this hard.
去找一个真正喜欢你的女孩吧
Go for a girl that's into you.
莫莉之前的那个女人如何？ 你们交往了一年
What about the one you whined about before Mollie? That lasted, like, a year.
乔琪雅
Georgia.
对…
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
乔琪雅…她很棒
Georgia was… She was awesome.
她体贴又温柔 但我感觉…
She was sweet, she was nice, but I feel
感觉缺少了某些东西
like something was missing.
对 缺少悲情
Yeah, the misery.
或许莫莉跟我截然不同
Maybe Mollie and I are just too different.
比方说我看见半杯水
Like I see the glass of water as half full.
她则认为这杯水有毒
She sees the water as poisoned.
而且杯子里还有碎片 当你喝水
Also, there's a chip in the glass, so when you drink it,
食道就会被割破 血流满地 所以应该立刻请服务生换一杯水
it's gonna cut your esophagus, you're gonna bleed everywhere.Why don't we ask for a new glass now.
她就是无法让自己快乐
She just won't let herself be happy.
你也是
And neither will you.
你别再惩罚自己 寻找比较单纯的感情吧
Stop punishing yourself. Find something simpler.
我们可以开始准备提案吗？
Can we please just get ready for this pitch?
我再也无法待在办公室里 设计止汗剂的商标
I can't work in the fucking office designing deodorant labels anymore.
我们必须将这些衬衫放上网站
We have to get our shirts on this website.
-艾德 我能不能… -不行 太热了
- Eddie, is it okay if I do… - No, not in this heat.
-你不必帮我 -我来…
- No, you don't have to. - Hey, hey.
冷水、冷洗、低速旋转 性感的衣服不要烘干
Cold, cold, low spin. The sexy shit doesn't go in the dryer.
-对 -交给我
- Yeah. - I got it.
好 祝好运 两位
Okay. Good luck, guys.
-再见 小乖 -谢谢 普瑞雅
- Bye, muffin. - Thanks, Priya.
-怎样？ -我只想记住
- What? - I'm trying to remember.
-冷水、冷洗、低速旋转 -冷水、冷洗…
- It's cold, cold, low spin. - Cold, cold…
等一下 冷水、冷洗
Wait, wait. Cold, cold.
-低速旋转 -对
- Low spin. - Low spin.
-你去死 -太棒了
- Go fuck yourself. - Fantastic.
你建立威信的方式就像狗班长
You're like Cesar Millan the way you establish dominance.
-这是完全不同的情况 -完全不同？
- This is an entirely different situation. - That is totally different?
解释给我听
Tell me why.
我三个月之内都不该说出来
I'm not supposed to say anything for, like, three months,
但一周后就三个月了
but that's in a week.
-那个女人怀了我的种 -艾德
- That woman now carries my seed. - Ed.
权力的分配彻底改变了
It's a total shift in the dominance paradigm.
她怀了我的王子 表示她是女王
My prince is in there. That makes her a queen.
你是不是…
Are you…? Mmm…
你几乎不了解这个女孩
You barely know this girl.
我知道
I know.
但瞧瞧你自己的处境
But look at what you're dealing with.
或许这样比较好 对吗？ 长痛不如短痛
Maybe it's better this way, right? Rip off the Band-Aid.
这怎么会…保险套破了吗？
How does it even…? Did the condom break?
我不用保险套 都直接抽出
There's no condom. I do the pullout.
-你直接抽出？ -对 床垫已经毁了
- You do the pullout method? - Yeah, our futon is fucked.
射♥精♥前的液体怎么办？ 你根本没考虑过
What about the pre-cum? You don't even think about the pre-cum.
我一直以为那是迷信
I always thought that was some old wives' tale.
对 其实很有道理的迷信
Yeah. An old wife with a very large family.
有人在吗？
Hello?
你想必就是“虾皮”的买♥♥家
You must be the buyer from Shoppy.
-欢迎 -请进
- Welcome. -Come in.
我4点半要去幼稚园接儿子
I have to pick up my son from preschool at 4:30.
很好…孩子最重要了
Great. Great. Kids are important.
这是…
What's…? Whoa.
这是什么？
What is this?
是你妈买♥♥的 要给我戴
Uh, your mother. She buy it. For my head.
那你为何不戴？
Why don't you wear it?
我看起来像其中一个臭皮匠
I look like Three Stooge.
山姆最爱看《三个臭皮匠》
Sam loves The Three Stooges.
山姆为何没有向你求婚？
Sam. How come he no ask you to marry?
因为他知道我们还没解决问题
Because he knows that we're still figuring it out.
不急
Oh, no rush.
第四期而已 我有的是时间
Stage four. I have plenty of time.
谢了 我需要更多压力
Uh, thank you. I needed more pressure.
-你最好看开一点 光头佬 -好
- You better adjust your thinking, Curly. - Yeah.
因为即使我跟山姆复合
Because even if I get back together with Sam,
我们应该也不会结婚
I don't think we're going to get married.
怎么回事？
What is this?
婚姻根本是狗屁
Yeah, marriage is bullshit.
婚礼更浪费钱 我为何要结婚？
And weddings are an even bigger waste. Why should I get married?
才能收下顶级瓷盘 却不敢拿来吃东西？
So we can get new plates we're afraid to eat off of?
婚礼都很美好
Weddings are-are, uh, beautiful.
我牵你走上红毯、别人都在哭
I walk you down the aisle, people cry.
很美好
Beautiful. Capito?
你知道我在婚礼上为何哭吗？
You want to know why I cry at weddings?
因为我替新娘感到悲哀
Because I feel bad for the bride.
若他今天向我求婚 我会拒绝
If he asked me today, I'd say no.
但你错了 他还是应该向你求婚
But you wrong. And he should still ask you.
这表示他必须自己做出重大的决定
That would require him making a big decision on his own,
相信我 这是不可能的事
and, trust me, that ain't happening.
你觉得如何？
So what do you think?
它们很好看
Ooh, they're great.
-对 但你喜欢哪个颜色？ -我不…
- Yeah, but which do you prefer? - I don't…
-选一个 -中间的
- No, pick one. - The one in the middle.
门已经粉刷成那个颜色了
The door's already painted that color.
（礼券）
这样一来你想买♥♥什么都行
This way you can get whatever you want.
-好吧 -下次请你挑一个礼物
- Okay. - Okay, next time, just pick something.
拜托你 即使不适合我也会很喜欢
Please. Even if it's wrong, I'll love it.
你要去哪一间？
What do you think?
都可以
Whichever is fine.
-够了 每次都是我选 -而且你选得很好
- All right, I always pick. - And you do an excellent job.
意大利菜跟越南菜 两种截然不同的选择
It's Italian and Vietnamese. Two very distinct choices.
请你别再这么优柔寡断
Please stop being so wishy-washy.
你也没在做决定 好吗？ 你跟我一样犹豫
I don't see you making a decision, all right? You're just as noncommittal.
爸…不对 走小巷 拜托 这里会塞车
D-D-Dad, no, back streets, back streets. Come on. Traffic.
现在高速公路一定会塞车
The freeway's terrible this time of day.
我已经说了六次 走小巷
I told you six times, take back streets.
你知道我的想法吗？
You know what I think?
我认为山姆不想做决定
I think Samuel, he no want to take charge
因为你希望一切都顺你的意
because you, you only like things the way you like them.
好的 快一点
Okay, yeah. A little faster.
不对 慢一点…
No, no, slow down, slow down.
好 往后一点 像这样…
Okay. Lean back a little. Like…
-这样吗？ -往后 对 这里
- Like that? - Lean back. Yeah, right there.
不对
No.
-快点 打开吧 -好啦…
- Go. Do it. - Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
一件洋装
A dress.
-你厌恶它 -才没有
- You hate it. - No.
没有吗？看着我的眼睛说你喜欢
No? Look me in the eyes and tell me you like it.
我可以拿去退货
I can always return it.
就是这里 不要动 现在绕圈