周年快乐（2018）

对 今天你要带你♥爸♥去做那件事
That's right. You gotta take your dad to his thing today.
等等 “那件事”？
Wait. His “thing”?
那件事叫做化疗
His thing, it's called chemo.
我的爸爸罹癌 要接受化疗
My dad has cancer and he's getting chemo.
-你甚至说不出口 -你懂我的意思
- You can't even say it. - You know what I meant.
你总是这样 喜欢将事情美化
This is what you do. You sugarcoat things.
我没有美化任何事
I don't sugarcoat anything.
是吗？那太阳就从西边出来了
Yeah? I've seen less sugarcoating on a Krispy Kreme.
-不是… -依据你的说法
- No… - According to you,
我爸的结肠只是多冒出一些组织
my father just has some extra-fun bonus tissue in his colon.
“恭喜 曼吉尼先生 这些细胞生长的速度很快”
“Congratulations, Mr. Mangini. These cells are real fast growers.”
-喂… -我爸罹癌 我也不快乐
- Hey, hey. - My dad has cancer, and I'm not happy!
喂…我们别在外面谈 好吗？
Hey, can we not do this outside, please?
天啊 千万别让邻居听见这件事
Oh, my God. God forbid that our neighbors hear this!
或是看见我们做♥爱♥
Or see us having sex
透过坏掉百叶窗的狭小缝隙
in the millimeter space in the broken blinds in the window.
我们不能在计程车上谈钱
We can't talk about money in a taxi
因为你不好意思让司机听见你的抱怨
because you're too embarrassed for the driver to hear you complaining
他的处境却比你凄惨许多
when he has it way worse.
你非常担心其他人
You are so worried about everybody else
却完全不在乎那个最重要的人
that you don't give a shit about the one person that's supposed to matter most
因为你已经拥有我了
because you already have me.
太好了 山姆 但上次计程车司机替你口♥交♥是何时？
That's so nice, Sam, but when's the last time a cabbie gave you a blow job?
优步司机算吗？
Does an Uber driver count?
-不好笑…我没在笑 -蛮好笑的
- That's not fun… I'm not laughing. - It is kind of funny.
没有 我没在笑
No. I'm not laughing.
因为老王用很特殊的方式替我口♥交♥
Because Grindhorst sucked my penis in a surprising way.
天啊
Oh, God.
你一定会喜欢他替我口♥交♥的方式
You would have loved the way he sucked my dick.
干
Fuck.
-我早就叫你去修了 -要我载你去爸妈家吗？
- I thought I told you to get this fixed. - You want a ride to your parents' or not?
今天是你的重要提案日
Today's your big work thing.
对 所以我原本希望你能更支持我
Yep, which is why I was hoping for a little more support
少说几句“我不快乐”
and a little less “I'm not happy.”
好吧 对不起
Okay, I'm sorry.
很抱歉我的感觉无法搭配你的行程
I'm sorry my feelings don't line up with your schedule.
任谁都无法控制情绪
You know, you can't control emotions.
你是认真的吗？你有资格这样说？
Are you fucking serious? Coming from you?
你根本就是情绪控制的禅师
You're like the Wayne Gretzky of emotion control.
你似乎可以控制是否要坠入爱河
You somehow manage to control whether or not you fall in love.
没人所谓“缓慢滑入”爱河 而是“坠入”爱河
It's not called “gently reclining” in love. It's called falling in love.
因为爱情会伤人 没错
Because, yeah, it could hurt,
但你必须纵身一跃才能体会
but you're never gonna know unless you jump off the fucking ledge.
-禅师是什么？ -我的意思是…
- Who's Wayne Gretzker? - It's like
这三年来你都在试水温
you've been wading into a pool for three years.
很慢、很痛苦地适应冷水
Just slowly, painfully, adjusting to the cold.
到了某一个时刻 通常当水碰到男人的睾丸
At some point, usually when the water touches your balls
或是女人的阴♥道♥口 人们就会跳进去
or the bottom of your vagina, people just jump in.
-你以为我不想吗？ -那你为何不跳进去？
- You think I don't want to? - Well, then why don't you?
若你没有卷同一撮头发三次 我们就不会迟到
If you didn't have to curl the same piece of hair three times, we wouldn't be late.
我是为了你卷这一撮头发
I'm trying to fix this piece of hair for you
才能让你看起来比较有面子
so that I can make you look good.
若我们在晚餐派对迟到 我还有面子可言吗？
How good will it look if we end up going to the dinner party late?
真高兴我们没有迟到 不要…
So glad we weren't late.
-你为何一直跟我吵架？ -我没有 是你不肯认错
- Why do you keep fighting me? - I'm not. You won't admit when I'm right.
你别这么讨人厌
Stop being such a bitch.
-我是在开玩笑 -并不是
- I was kidding. - No, you weren't. Mm-mmm.
是啦 我是在开玩笑 -喂 -好啦
Yes, I was. I was kidding.- Hey. - Right.
你去死
Fuck you.
你去死
Fuck you.
等你死了之后我才会真正快乐
The only time I'll ever be happy is when you're fucking dead.
-我没有这样说 -我听见了
- I didn't say that. - I heard you.
-我不是故意的 -当然 你只是在开玩笑
- I didn't mean it. - Of course. You were just kidding.
莫莉 你别这样
Mollie, come on.
你也经历过那些日子 山姆
You lived those days too, Sam.
你为何对这段感情如此笃定？
I mean, what about us makes you so goddamn sure?
-希望你喜欢这里 -牛小排看起来真好吃
- Hope you like this place. - The short ribs look great.
我吃素
Tsk. I'm a vegetarian.
若我早知道 就不会在第一次约会时带你来这里
I never would have brought us here for the first date if I knew.
-但我吃鱼 -好的
- Except that I eat fish. - Okay.
我也吃风干火腿 因为很好吃
And prosciutto. Because it's delicious.
还有茴香香肠跟披萨上的辣香肠
And fennel sausage and pepperoni on pizza.
-因为披萨上的配料不算 -当然
- 'Cause that doesn't count. It's on pizza. - Of course. Yeah.
-你要跟我分辣肉酱薯条吗？ -好啊 我要
- Do you want to split the chili fries? - Yes, I think so.
-好耶…爽 -好爽
-Yeah.Okay. - Okay.
这跟我想像的一模一样
This is exactly what I thought it was gonna be like.
这跟我想像的一模一样
Exactly what I thought it was gonna be like.
-对 -就是它
- Yeah. - That's him.
（领养）
就是它了 汪不停先生
That's the one. That's Mr. Woofington.
-我以为要叫它唐尼 -对 唐尼汪不停 狗律师
- I thought we were gonna call him Donny. - Yeah, Donny Woofington, attorney-at-dog.
它是律师？哇
He's a lawyer? Wow.
汪不停也处理人类案件吗？ 或只是宠物案件？
And does Woofington do human cases, or is it, like, pet cases?
不 是人类案件 例如民权跟移♥民♥议题
No, it's human. Like civil rights, immigrations issues.
它会上法庭…
He comes in the courtroom…
-处置关塔纳摩湾的囚犯 -靠 它真的很专业
- Gitmo release detainments. - Wow, shit. He really gets into it.
我完全没料到 所以若养它对大家都有好处
I had no idea. This is good for everybody if we get him.
防守
Defense!
防守
Defense!
但是他非常健康
But he's so healthy.
对 但这已经不重要了
Yeah, I guess it doesn't make a difference.
给我一根烟
I want a cigarette.
你又不抽烟
You don't smoke.
对 但我应该开始抽 反正一切都是狗屁
Yeah, but I might as well start since it's all bullshit.
我要一个吉士汉堡跟一包红标万宝路
I want a cheeseburger and I want Marlboro Reds.
-不行 -为什么？
- No. - Why not?
因为我不想失去你
Because I don't want to lose you.
我也不想失去你
I don't want to lose you either.
真的吗？
Really?
我的意思是还不想
I mean, not yet.
或许等到我们70岁 我就会厌倦你了吧
Maybe when we're 70 and I'm sick of you.
-谈感情好难 -其实可以很简单
- This is so hard. - It doesn't have to be.
听着 没人说我们必须结婚
Look. Nobody's saying we have to get married.
我们为何要现在决定？ 不能慢慢来吗？
Why do we have to decide now? Why can't we take our time?
因为我没有时间了 山姆
Because I don't have any more time, Sam.
对 所以是为了小孩吗？ 你认为我不够格当爸爸
Oh, right. So this is the baby thing? You don't think I'm baby-worthy.
-不 不是这样的 -太扯了
- No, it's not that. - This is fucking insane.
-山姆… -这可好…
- Sam… - Amazing. Amazing.
阻挠我们感情的人甚至还不存在
The person getting in the way of our relationship doesn't even exist yet.
你不了解我的压力有多大
You don't understand how much pressure there is for me.
你说得倒容易
It's easy for you.
你到了80岁照样能老来得子
You can have a Steve Martin baby when you're 80.
我不想要小孩
I don't want to have a baby when
如果届时我已经老到抱不动的话
I'm an old man who can't pick up his fucking kid.
你一定会乐在其中
You would love that.
我认为你最爱的事情就是不必抱小孩
I could think of nothing you would love more than not having to carry your baby.
对 这样就太好了
Yeah, that would be nice.
然而我是30多岁的女人
Meanwhile I'm a 30-ish-years-old woman.
我应该早就想清楚这件事
I should have figured this shit out like yesterday.
四或五年之后 我生的小孩就会有缺陷 对吗？
What, I have, like, four, five years for me not to have a messed-up baby?
若你不是真命天子 我就需要尽快找到那个男人
If you're not the guy, I need to budget time to find the guy.
然后再经过三年的交往 同时我的生理时钟
Then there's another three years of vetting, and my biological clock
只会不断分秒流逝…迅速归零
is just ticking down, tick, tick, tick, fast approaching zero.
基本上我在演《危机倒数》
Basically, I'm in The Hurt Locker.
《危机倒数》？你知道吗？你说得对
The Hurt Locker. You know what? You're right.
我们剪那条红色电线吧？祝你好运
Why don't we pull the red wire? Good luck with everything.
山姆…
Sam…
我希望你找到最完美的不完美男人
I do hope you find that perfectly imperfect person,
但让我告诉你
but I have news for you.
他并不存在
He doesn't exist.
你不愿意让自己快乐