周年快乐（2018）

我猜今早你起床后非常想吃它们
My guess is you probably woke up this morning craving them,
而且自知要在周年纪念日 做一点浪漫的事
and you knew you had to do something vaguely nice for our anniversary,
就决定用一个司康达到两个目的
so you decided to kill two birds with one scone.
英国人的发音就不一样
In England, they pronounce it “skahn.”
你最后一次为了我做某件事是何时？
When's the last time you did something just for me?
因为我当初认识的那个男人会这么做
Because that's what the guy that I first met would do.
那一个男人很浪漫
That guy was romantic.
席拉？ 我不是 抱歉
Shira? No, sorry.
你确定你不是席拉温柏？
Are you absolutely sure you're not Shira Weinberg?
对 我很确定 我是莫莉
Yeah, I'm almost positive my name is Mollie.
-莫莉 -嗯
- Mollie. - Mm-hmm.
-当然了 幸会 莫莉 -幸会
- Of course. Nice to meet you, Mollie. - Nice to meet you.
若我现在搭讪你 看起来会像混球 对吗？
If I flirt with you right now, I look like an asshole, right?
因为你知道其实我在等别人？
Because you know I'm waiting for somebody else?
你的眼睛真迷人 莫莉
You have amazing eyes, Mollie.
我搭讪你了 管他的 我照样跟你调情
I did it. Fuck it, I did it. I flirted with you anyway.
我是谁？我是山姆 幸会
Who am I? I'm Sam. Nice to meet you.
所以这是盲目约会吗？
So is it like a blind date?
老实说…
Well, to be honest…
我最喜欢别人强调“老实说”
I love when people specify “to be honest.”
所以我能假设你之前说的话
Does that mean I can assume everything you've said before
以及即将说的话都是狗屁吗？
and are about to say to me is bullshit?
-对方是网友 -上帝保佑你
- It's an Internet date. - God help you.
我觉得祂不会 因为我不相信上帝
Mmm. I don't think he will, seeing as I don't believe in him,
或许这就是祂惩罚我的原因
which is probably why he's punishing me now
让你不是席拉温柏
by making you not Shira Weinberg.
你真的不相信神鬼之说吗？
You really don't believe that there's anything out there?
我不是不相信
I don't not believe.
我只是认为某些事情人类无法理解
I feel like it's something that humans can never fathom.
例如夸克或是黑人共和党员
Like quarks. Or black Republicans.
-我相信有鬼 -抱歉 我看到席拉了
- I believe in ghosts. - I am so sorry. I think I did see Shira.
我知道这听起来很扯
I know it's crazy,
但我太喜欢人类了 无法相信他们会一走了之
but I like people too much to believe that they just go away.
但愿我也这么喜欢人类
I wish I liked people that much.
或许你没碰到对的人
Maybe you just know the wrong ones.
所以你要跟谁见面？你有对象了吗？
So what is this meeting? Is it like a thing?
-对象？ -是约会吗？我想知道…
- A thing? - Is it a date? I want to know…
-是约会吗？ -我不回答
- Is it a date? - I'm not answering that question.
好吧
Okay.
似乎你的对象刚走进来
And it looks like your thing just walked in.
不…她不是席拉
No, no, no, no. That is not Shira.
对 唐恩比较像是她的名字
You're right. She's more of a Dawn.
-她是唐恩 -对 她跟父母同住
- Oh, that's a Dawn. - Yeah, she lives at home with her parents.
特别喜欢消防队员
She's really into firemen.
对 她曾经是啦啦队员
Yeah, she used to be a cheerleader,
但是被踩在最下面的那一个
but one of the ones on the bottom of the pyramid,
因为她漂亮 但也很壮 下盘稳得不得了
because she's beautiful but also sturdy, knows how to get it done.
-我也曾经是啦啦队员 -我正在听
- I used to be a cheerleader. - I'm listening.
那是最糟糕的经历
It was the worst.
橄榄球员都很臭 女生都讨厌我
The football players smelled. The girls were brutal to me.
她们最爱折磨我 若你跟别人不同…
They absolutely tortured me. If you were just at all different…
你还留着制♥服♥吗？
Do you still have the uniform or…
我对你掏心掏肺 说我小时候被折磨
I am opening up my soul to you about the torture of my childhood,
你却问我这个问题？
and this is your question?
真抱歉 但你还留着制♥服♥吗？
I'm so sorry, but do you have the uniform?
我放在某个地方 对
I have it somewhere, yeah.
好的 莫莉 我们知道唐恩的背景了
All right, Mollie. We know about Dawn.
试试看这两个人如何？他们是谁？
Why don't we give these two a shot? Who are these two?
她是派翠西亚 药厂代表
Well, she's Patricia, a pharmaceutical rep,
跟戴尔
and Dale.
-哇 -他是医生
- Oh, wow. - The doctor.
-当然了 -而且他成为医生
- Of course he is. - And he became a doctor
就是想认识药厂代表
to meet a pharmaceutical rep.
所以这一切都如他所预期？
This happened the exact way he wanted?
-对 -我真不敢相信
- Exactly. - Unbelievable.
我姓温柏 温暖的温 松柏的柏
It's under Weinberg. W-E-I-N…berg as in “berg.”
-她好可爱喔 -是啊
- Hey, she's cute. - Yeah.
我在挑选女人方面很有品味
I have really good taste in women.
嗨
Hey.
原本你担心他是我的对象
You were nervous that that was my thing.
原本你也担心我会爱上席拉温柏
You were nervous I was gonna fall in love with Shira Weinberg.
莫莉 不好意思 我该走了
Now, Mollie, if you will, I have to go.
席拉最不喜欢别人迟到
Lateness is one of Shira's pet peeves.
-所以你要去跟她约会？ -对
- You're actually gonna go through with it? - Yeah.
我不能让她枯等 这样太残酷了
I can't leave her stranded like that. That'd be cruel.
何况她在向我挥手
Also, she is waving.
你跟我一起挥手 好吗？ 看起来就像…太好了
Could you wave back with me so it looks like we're… Yes. Fantastic.
好的 太棒了
Okay. Great.
但你放心 整段时间我都会想着你
Rest assured though, I'll be thinking about you the entire time.
再见 小莫
Bye, Moll.
对了 莫莉 你做什么工作？
Hey. Mollie, what do you do for a living?
真的吗？我以为你与众不同 这个问题真老套
Really? I expected more from you than that. That is such a cliché question.
对 这个问题很老套
Yeah, it's a cliché question,
但若你不告诉我 我要如何跟踪你？
but if you don't tell me, how am I going to be able to stalk you?
你寄的那个水果篮？当时的你很浪漫
The edible arrangement you sent? That guy was romantic.
浪漫…你正在我面前尿尿
Romantic. You're pissing in front of me.
对啊 我喝了很多水
Yeah, I've been drinking a lot of water.
我在补充水分 你应该替我高兴
I'm staying hydrated. You should be happy for me.
你并不爱那个男人
And you didn't love that guy.
你厌恶当初认识的我 你很清楚
You hated the me you met. You know you did.
才没有
I did not.
-你有 你讨厌我的发型 -对 就像怪叔叔
- You did. You hated my hair. - Yeah, it was science teacher creepy.
-你讨厌我的衣服 -对
- You hated my clothes. - Oh, yeah.
你记得那双鞋子吗？
Do you remember those shoes?
-你也讨厌我的公♥寓♥ -对 很令人沮丧
- You hated my apartment. - Yeah, it was depressing.
真正令人沮丧的是你美化过去
What's depressing is your idealizing the past when
但你根本从未快乐过
you were never happy with me.
没有任何事能让你快乐
You're never happy with anything.
没有东西可以吃
There's nothing to eat.
床上有一个司康等着你
There is a scone waiting for you on the bed right now,
而且我亲自送过来 如果你尝过果酱…
hand-delivered, by the way, and I think if you just try the jam…
-又来了？ -今早第三次
- Again? - Third time this morning.
天啊 闭嘴吧 唐尼
Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
等一下…你最乖了
Wait, wait. You're all right.
外面没有任何东西…
There's nothing out there. There's nothing out there.
或许有东西
Or maybe there is.
不 你应该只是闻到浣熊吧
No. I think you just smell a raccoon or something.
对 不然就是…
Yeah, either that or
躲藏在树丛里的邪恶动物在戏弄它
there's an evil creature lurking in the bushes, taunting him.
但你永远抓不到它
But you will never catch him
-因为这只动物并不存在 -天啊
- for there is no creature. - Oh, my God.
因为这只动物就是你
Because the creature is you! Whoo… Oh!
天啊…什么？你为何要这样？
My… What? Why do you do that?
怎样？因为他很笨啊 我爱它 而且这样很好玩
What? 'Cause he's dumb and I love him and it's fun.
周年纪念日快乐 这只是另一天 山姆
Happy anniversary.It's just a day, Sam.
真的吗？只是另一天？
Really? Just a day?
感觉不仅如此 毕竟我们交往了这么久
It feels like a lot more. I mean, all this time together.
这一天很重要 对吗？
It's kind of a big deal, right?
你说得对
You're right.
明天是我们的周年纪念日
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
感觉很…不晓得
It's really, like, I don't know.
很可怕
It's scary.
很踏实 若我们能交往这么久 就能厮守一辈子
Reassuring. If you can make it that long with someone, you can make it forever.
若我现在还不确定 或许就该找新的对象？
If you don't know for sure by now, maybe it's just time to move on?
或许我该做出承诺了
Maybe it's time to commit.
-去年在杜布罗尼克庆祝纪念日 -去年在杜布罗尼克庆祝纪念日
- We spent our last anniversary - We spent our last anniversary
-太壮观了 -太壮观了
- in Dubrovnik. - In Dubrovnik.
三年感觉像是一个里程碑
I mean, three years. It feels like a threshold.
我知道
I know.
可恶 我爸会杀了我
Oh, shit. My dad's gonna kill me.