大英烦事多（2015）

今晚过的非常愉快 但是我要准备睡觉了”
"I've had such a lovely evening, but I'm gonna have to go to bed."
如果是在11时 冬季的话 我就会说
Round about elevenish, I'll start saying -- if it's the winter --
我会说 “哦 中♥央♥供暖系统马上就要关闭了”
I'll start saying, "Oh, the central heating will be turning itself off quite shortly."
在一些极端的例子中 更无畏 火气更大一些的英国人
In extreme circumstances, braver, more exasperated Brits
会直接与那些赖着不走的人挑明 但那是最后的手段
will confront malingerers head on, but this is very much a last resort.
我知道我父亲这样说过
I have known my father to say,
“约翰 我现在很累了 我要去睡觉了 你该离开了”
"John, I'm very tired now, I'm going to bed, I think you should leave."
我会说 “已经11点15了”
I go, "It's 11：15."
我觉得我倒是可以吹个口哨 可能会很有用
I could blow a whistle, I suppose. That would be useful.
这是个不错的主意
That's not a bad idea.
如果你决定要不管三七二十一
If you decide to throw caution to the wind
主动拜访他人
and go round to someone else's house,
英式礼貌要求你必须提供帮助
British politeness means you must, of course, offer to help.
许多人更乐意坐着看热闹 但是你会对
Many would prefer to watch this sort of thing, but you'd be
愿意尝试的人的数目感到惊讶
surprised at the number who are ready to have a sporting try.
我们会说些礼貌的话 但那些并不是我们的真实意思
We say stuff to be polite, but we don't really mean it.
比如我去丈母娘家
It's like when I go to my wife's mum and dad's,
刚开始几次 我总会主动上前提出帮忙洗刷
like, the first few times, I'd always offer to wash up
只是为了让人看到我愿意帮忙
just so I've been seen to offer,
但是如果她转过来 跟我说
but if she'd have turned round and gone to me,
“好的 你来接着洗” 我会很崩溃的
"Oh," and you'd crack on, I'd have been absolutely devastated.
我特别擅长 说 “让我来做这个吧
I am the king of, "Let me help with this.
不 不 不 你坐着 我来做这个”
"No, no, no, you sit down. Let me help with this," and then taking
然后把桌子上的东西拿走 把它们全部放在水槽旁边
everything from the table and just placing it near the sink...
然后就走开了
and then just walking away.
就是这样 这就是我 本质上就是这样
That's it. That's my... That's essentially...
然后就说 “我必须阐明一点
And then you almost want to go, "Just to be clear,
我所做的就是搬动它们 仅此而已”
"all I was helping with was the movement of these, that's it."
“让我来帮你 不 不 不 嘿
"Let me help. No, no, no. Hey.
你给我坐下 你做的够多了 剩下的交给我”
"Sit down you, you've done enough, I'll take care of this."
然后也许就放个茶巾盖上
Maybe a tea towel over the top
祈祷着在你离开之前 他们不会发现你没有收拾
and hope that they don't notice you didn't do it till you've left.
如果你因商务合同被邀请到别人家里
If you're invited to the home of your business contact,
假设你得在西装和便服间挑选
assume it's a business or lounge suit,
除非你被要求穿晚礼服 或者无尾礼服
unless you're told it's black tie or dinner jacket.
穿黑色的 你可以很容易的租到它们
Wear a black one, you can hire them very easily.
如果因为你的慷慨帮助 主人家主动给你提供留宿的房♥间了 要小心了
If you've been so helpful that your host has offered you a bed for the night -- beware!
我非常讨厌他们主动提出有多余的床
I hate it when they claim they've got a bed
- 是气垫床 或者其它什么的 - 是的
- and then it's an air bed, or something like that. - Yeah.
这绝对不能接受 我不会
That's totally unacceptable. I don't...
如果你不得不睡在他们的客厅
If you have to sleep in their sitting room
然后他们起来后还表现的就像是每一个平常的早晨一样
and then they get up and they start acting like it's a normal morning,
就像 “这是我的卧室了 法律上讲 这现在是我的卧室
like, "This is my bedroom. Legally, this is my bedroom now.
- 在我决定起床之前你不能进来” - 是啊
- "Until I make the decision to get up you're not allowed in." - Yeah.
说了这么多关于我们英国人有多讨厌社交接触的案例
So given how much we Brits hate all forms of social interaction,
你一定会以为我们最期待的事情就是告别
you'd think the thing we'd look forward to most would be saying goodbye.
然而并不是 因为我们甚至没有道别的勇气
But no, we can't even do that with any sort of competence.
意大利人是如此的友好 他们的语言并没有给再见一席独♥立♥的位置
The Italians are such a friendly people, they don't bother with a word for goodbye.
他们的你好和再见都是一个词 “Ciao”
They just begin and end all conversations with, "Ciao."
当然 对于英国人来说 就没那么简单了
Of course, things aren't that simple in Britain.
当双方都达成一致要结束谈话时
When you both agree that you'll wind down the conversation,
在电♥话♥上或者面对面
this is on the phone or in person,
你们就要进行一个冗长的仪式
you then go through a ritual that takes forever.
“好的 那么 我们下周再聊”
"Great. OK, let's maybe speak next week."
“嗯 好的 我到时给你电♥话♥”
"Yeah, OK, I'll give you a call."
“哦 这次谈话真开心 谢谢 下次见”
"Oh, this has been so great. Thank you so much. I'll see you soon."
“听着 周末愉快 不 你也是 过个完美的周末”
"Listen, have a great weekend. No, you too, have a brilliant weekend."
“不 不 不 是的 百分百 那么你把邮件发给我 然后我”
"No, no, no. Yeah, 100%. Well, you send me that e-mail and then I'll...
“好的 谢谢”
"Yeah. Thank you."
然后当他们挂电♥话♥的时候 他们说的再见
And then when they hang up, they say this goodbye...
听起来像是他们的车
in a way that makes it sound like their car has just...
刚从桥上掉下去
gone off a bridge.
“再见 再 见 再 见”
"Byeeeeeee! Byeeee! Byeeee!"
“拜拜 拜 拜 拜”
"Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye."
然后电♥话♥这头的你不禁在想
And it leaves you on the other end thinking,
“我觉得那个人刚死掉了”
"I think that person just died."
有效率的道别的技巧就是计划一个逃脱的路线
The trick to saying an effective goodbye is to plan an escape route
并坚持这个路线 否则 你就会发现自己
and stick to it. Otherwise, you could find yourself having to
自己在道别时又陷进了一次交谈的泥淖
carry on the conversation on the move.
道别时 有一种情况很奇怪
What's weird about goodbyes is when,
就像 你要离开一个酒吧或者什么地方
say like, if you're leaving, like, a bar or something,
然后你说了再见 然后发现他们跟你顺路
and you say goodbye, and then they walk in the same direction as you.
然后你就想 现在该怎么做呢
It's like, what do you do?
我会走过我的车旁 假装那不是我的车
I've actually just walked away from my car, like two roads, two streets,
因为我当时就想 “好了 我们已经道别了 已经道别了”
because I'm like, "Well, we did it. We already did it."
不然我们要怎么做呢 再说一次再见然后又发现我的车就停在你车旁边吗
What are we gonna do? Say bye again and then realise, oh, I'm parked right next to you... you know?
我有过这种经历 我在那儿停下等了10到15秒
I have done, in the past, when I've just waited about ten, 15 seconds
等他们离开了才跟在他们后面走 像个跟踪狂
for them to leave and then walked behind them like a weird stalker.
你口头上的再见并不意味着真正的道别
Just because you've said goodbye doesn't mean it is goodbye.
最多也只是 象征结束的开始
At best, it's the beginning of the end.
几天前 我离开我老丈人家
I left my in-laws' house the other day.
我们在房♥间里面道了别 花了20分钟
We said goodbye in the house, that took about 20 minutes
然后我们都出门后又道了别
and then we all got outside, we said goodbye again.
然后我们坐上车 摇下车窗
Then we got in the car, we wound down the windows,
我们又一次道别 之后在开车离开时我们又减速
we said goodbye again and then as we drove away, we had to slow down,
挥手 鸣笛 打喇叭喊着再见
wave, honk the horn and shout goodbye again.
我肯定对他们说了差不多78声再见
I must have said goodbye to them about 78 times.
我这星期二又要去看他们
I'm seeing them again on Tuesday.
至此 我们了解到了哪些基本的英国式麻烦呢
So what have we learnt about the basics of very British problems?
一旦一个英国人遇到另一个英国人
As soon as one British person encounters another one,
在任何一刻都可能有尴尬发生
we find social awkwardness at every turn,
从见面到道别
from saying hello to saying goodbye.
我们已经自创了很多聪明的方法去避开他人 但这又会导致更多的问题
We've developed clever ways to avoid each other, but that can lead to
记得不要在未经允许下打开詹姆斯·柯登的冰箱
even more problems and do not open James Corden's fridge uninvited!
下一集我们会为探寻更复杂的英国式麻烦
Next time, we'll be looking at some more complicated VBPs,
包括工作上的
including going to work.
算了 我还是赶紧说再见吧
Anyway, I better be off.
下周见 这次很开心
I'll see you next week. This has been fun though!
拜
Bye!
是啊 祝本周开心
Yeah... Have a great week!
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