大英烦事多（2015）

比如 当你看到你个工人走过来
You know, when you see a workman come over...
“还好吗 伙计” “挺好的 来这儿贴贴瓷砖什么的”
"All right, mate?" "Yeah, come here to do the tiling."
我不知道是否有人从不犯这毛病
I don't know if anyone's immune to that syndrome,
方言切换综合征
the changing-accent syndrome.
这不全是休·格兰特（知名电影演员）的错
It's not all Hugh Grant's fault,
但与世界上其他地区的人的想法恰恰相反
but contrary to what the rest of the world might think,
根本不存在英国口音这种东西
there's no such thing as a British accent
因为在英国 有成千上百种口音
we've hundreds of them.
这些口音往往由我们成长的环境决定 我们会根据
Usually shaped by where we grew up, we modify our accents
我们交谈的对象和我们想要透露的程度来调整口音
depending on who we're talking to and how much we wish to reveal.
但我周围都是些时髦人士或是南方人时
When I'm in a situation surrounded by posh people or Southerners,
我就会非常卖♥♥力地运用我的北方口音
then I go really Northern just to
以显示我是一个北方人
prove a point of where I'm from.
有时我老婆就会盯着我 然后说
And my wife will look at me sometimes and say,
“你做什么呢 干嘛那样说话呀”
"What are you doing?Why are you speaking like that?"
在英国 我们在不同情况下会使用不同的口音
In Britain, we have different accents for different occasions.
我们中大多数人有时会觉得我们自己说话的方式
Most of us at some point in our lives will find ourselves
像是来自切尔西的一样
talking like someone from Made In Chelsea.
我有一口通话腔 因为你必须这么做 你不能
I've got a telephone voice, cos you have to. You can't...
没有人希望我为他们工作的时候是像
No-one wants me working for 'em and being like,
“哟 伙计 还好吗” 这样子讲话
"'Ello, mate, you all right?
“怎么啦 预约牙医吗 别担心”
"What's wrong? Dentist appointment?! No worries!"
呃 好的 所以 那个 “哦 你好”
Erm, yeah, so it's... "Oh, hello there."
- 你必须得有一口通话腔 - 对
- You have to have a phone voice. - Yeah.
“嗨 塔米 我是乔斯林 你好 塔姆!”
Hi, Tammy, it's Jocelyn here. Hi, Tam!"
噢 我妈妈接别人打来的电♥话♥ 是这样的
Oh, my mum has that, when somebody else rings the house...
- “噢 你好” - 嗯
- "Oh, hello!" - Yes!
“不 他现在不在家”
"No, he's not in at the moment."
但如果是你和我妈妈聊天的话
And if you talk to my mum
“我不会那样讲话 我才不会那样讲话 塔梅卡”
"I don't talk like that, I don't talk like that, Tameka!"
用不同的腔调会让你的聆听者有信心确定
Adopting a new voice can give your listener confidence
你自己知道你在讲什么
that you know what you're talking about,
但是这在社交方面也同样是一种有效的绑定策略
but it can also be a useful bonding tactic socially.
我们有次去葡萄牙度假
We went on holiday to Portugal
我和我妻子躺在泳池边上
and we were laid by the pool, my wife and I,
那里还有一群小伙子们即将举♥行♥婚礼
and there was a group of lads who were having a wedding
那是婚礼的三天前
and they were having their stag
他们在酒店里举办单身舞会
three days before the wedding at this hotel.
他们真的挺可爱的 约翰诺和那些男孩们
They were really lovely guys -- Johnno and the boys.
然后 我老婆就说 我当时已经进泳池里了
And... my wife said... I'd gone in the pool
她说她那时候在想 “这什么声音 这声音像是”
and she said she was like, "What's that voice? That sounds..."
然后她坐起来 看见泳池里的我这么说话
And she sat up and she saw me in the water just going,
“好吧 这 这个
"Well, that's... the thing is...
我是说 切 这绝对是在挖苦
"I mean, nah, it's an absolute piss-take,
这整个事情 他们太过放肆了”
"the whole thing, they just take liberties left right and centre."
而茱莉斯就 她后来是这样对我说的
And Jules was like... Her words to me were,
“你怎么表现的像是你演的加文与斯泰西里的那个角色一样”
"Why are you being like that guy you play in Gavin & Stacey?"
我就说 “我不知道啊”
I was like, "I don't know!"
英国人总是急于想融入身处的环境
The Brits are always eager to please or blend into the background,
但是太过激进反而会起到反作用
but taking this too far can sometimes end up having the opposite effect.
我某任女友的父亲就是
I had a girlfriend's father who...
一个不太擅长处理口音的人
who was not only not good at accents,
但他会通过各种方法来努力
but he would really go for it in a massive way.
所以如果你和他去中餐馆 情况就会比较令人苦恼
So if you went into a Chinese restaurant, it was agony.
“我要点 咕噜肉”
"I would like... the sweet and sour pork."
他这不是在嘲讽 他只是在尝试着交流
And he wasn't taking the mickey, he was just trying to communicate.
他是在委曲求全呢 如果让他来描述的话应该会这么说
He was meeting them halfway, I think was how he'd have described it.
归根到底
When it comes down to it,
我们的口音和天气一样可以灵活变换
our accents are basically as changeable as the weather.
我也不知道为什么我会这样做
I don't know why I do it,
但我总是会这样做 不管和谁在一起
but I do it all the time, to whoever I'm with.
我甚至不太清楚我真正的口音是什么样的
I don't even really know what my real accent is
或者 听起来是什么样的
or what I sound like
因为这都视我交谈的对象而定
because it is only dependent on who I'm talking to.
所以 回顾下我们迄今为止所知道的
So, to recap what we've learnt so far,
如果你不知道对方的名字 千万不要贸然去问
if you fail to catch someone's name, DO NOT ask for it.
你要是听漏了谁的话
If you mishear someone,
点个头 装作你听见了的样子
nod and carry on as if you know what they're on about.
当你拿不准时 使出你最傻的声音力求蒙混过关
And when in doubt, avoid the risk of social
以求避免社会交往的尴尬 就这么简单
embarrassment by putting on a silly voice. Simple.
所以 我们已经知道了英国人即使是在
So, we've learnt that the British find
最基本的交流问题上也面临着极大的麻烦
even the most basic interactions problematic.
任何场合都适用的一个简单策略
One simple solution we adopt wherever possible...
就是远离别人
is to avoid people.
人们常说 “噢 在北方多好啊”
People say, "Oh, it's so lovely in the north,
“搭巴士的每个人都会和你聊天”
"everyone comes up at the bus stop and talks to you."
而你就会想 “我知道 因为这个我才离开那个鬼地方的”
And you just think, "I know, that's why I left!"
# 我可以跨过这道坎 #
I'm gonna get through this
# 我可以跨过这道坎 #
I'm gonna get through this...
英国虽是个小岛 但每平方公里上的人口
Britain is a small island with more than twice as many people
却是法国的两倍以上
per square kilometre as France.
想要远离这么多人
Trying to avoid so many people
可需要精密的计划
requires careful planning
和精明的策略
and clever strategies.
我住的街区那里
I live on a street where --
当我从拐角处绕过去的时候
when I come round the corner,
总是能看见我的邻居们站在他们自己的花♥园♥里
I often see some of my neighbours standing in their gardens
我有时就会走开或躲在角落那里
and I sometimes just go and hide round the corner...
玩会儿我的手♥机♥
and go on my phone for a bit
因为我不想和他们讨论关于垃圾箱的问题
because I don't want to talk to them about the bins.
你知道的 当你想躲某个人的时候
You know when you try to avoid somebody
你会假装你在打电♥话♥
and you pretend you're on the phone...?
“不好意思 我得接这个电♥话♥”
"Sorry, I've got take this,"
即使电♥话♥铃并没有响 这很显然啊
and it's not ringing. It's clearly...
“我得接个电♥话♥”
"I have to take this."
“你好”
"Hello?"
“对不起 亲爱的 你说什么?
"Sorry, my love. What did you say?
“嗯呢 噢 哇噢”
"Mm-hmm. Oh, wow."
“好的 好的 不好意思 你能”
"Yeah, OK. Sorry, can you..."
“对不起 对不起 哈”
"Sorry, sorry... Hmm?"
这招数我玩了好多次 而且屡试不爽
I've done that a load of times and people will just believe you.
他们会像这样 “噢”
They will go, "Oh..."
就这样
That's it.
这招数是真心好用
It's a great one.
“不好意思 我得 你好”
"Sorry, I've got to... Hello?"
等他走了 再会吧 挂了
Gone, see you later, bang.
我真的超级爱玩这招
That's a real favourite of mine.
是的 除了英国人之外 还有谁能
Yes, who but the British could see the mobile phone
意识到电♥话♥最大的便利之处
and realise that its main benefit
就是可以帮我们避免对话
would be as a means of AVOIDING conversation.
但是要是在有限空间里
But when it comes to confined spaces,
想要消失可没那么容易
it's not so easy to disappear.
让她先进电梯里
'Let her go first into the elevator,
友善但不过度热情
'pleasant but not over friendly --
因为她有可能要结婚了”
'chances are that she'll be married.'
不知为何在电梯里开展对话是不恰当的
Somehow it's wrong to enter into a conversation with someone in a lift.
我希望找到这里没费您多大劲儿
I hope you didn't have trouble finding us here.
在电梯里人们完全可以跟你靠的这么近
People in a lift have licence to be that close to you --
但是 拜托 我们还是不要说话了吧
but, please, let's not talk.
不要交流
Let's not engage.
不要去认识别人
Let's not get to know one another.
你只想低头看着地板然后等到那一声
You just want to look down at the floor and wait for the...
“叮咚 三楼到了”
"Ping pong. Third floor."
然后走出去
And then get out.
要是运气不好你得去七楼的话
If you have to go up to the seventh...
百万计的工作者在流动着
Millions of workers are on the move.
他们度过了辛苦的一天
They've had a hard day.
千万 别在高峰期出行
Please, don't travel in the rush hour.
没有比在火车上遇到认识的人更糟糕的事了
Worst thing on a train is bumping into someone you know.
遇到认识的人
Bump into someone you know