大英烦事多（2015）

如果客户想要个非常有个性的发型
'If the customer wants something really original,
那他是来对地方了”
'he's come to the right place.'
我终于找到了这么一位发型师
I have finally found a hairdresser,
我已经光顾他八年了
who I've been going to for eight years,
他的服务完全符合我的要求
who gets what's required,
那就是无论在什么情况下 都不和我讲话
which is do not speak to me under any circumstances.
空泛地闲聊 这很可怕
Idle chit-chat... is horrific.
我认为应该在墙上
I think there should maybe be a list
列一个开场白的列表
of conversation starters on the wall
然后你可以拿着一根指挥棒
and you have a little baton
用来指出你想要聊的话题
and you could point at it.
因为我不想谈论关于
'Cause I don't really want to talk about...
我没有喜欢的球队
I don't have a football team,
跟人们谈论我假期要去哪过并不是一件让我恼火的事情
I'm not bothered about telling people where I'm going on holiday,
而且也许那周我根本就没做什么有趣的事
and maybe I haven't done anything interesting that week.
所以 如果那上面有“世界上的奶酪”
So, if it just said, "Cheeses of the world,"
我就能点聊它
I could point at that.
但在一个地方 寒暄已经不仅仅是困难
But there's one place where making small talk is not just difficult,
而是一场噩梦
it takes on a whole new level of horror.
在与全科医生的五分钟预约
A visit to the GP already encapsulates,
囊括了所有英国人觉得
in one five minute appointment,
最为困难的事情
all the things the British find most difficult.
我们会担心自己小题大做
Worrying we're making a fuss over nothing,
将令人煎熬的私密细节与陌生人分享
sharing excruciatingly intimate details with a stranger,
并且无时无刻不在懊悔自己没穿上干净的裤子
while all the time hoping we've remembered to wear clean pants.
哦 天啊
Ooh, good heavens.
你来错地方了 殓尸员在隔壁
You're in the wrong place, the undertaker is next door.
但你不是医生吗
But aren't you the doctor?
哦 是的 我是医生没错
Oh, yes, I'm the doctor all right,
然而我不是无所不能的 你得知道
but I have my limitations, you know.
我没办法起死回生
I can't bring the dead back to life.
当我们想要跟自己的医生约时间
When we want to get an appointment with our doctor,
我们没法直接约
we don't just get an appointment,
我们必须要先给接待员打电♥话♥
we have to phone up the receptionist,
接待员会问你 哪里不舒服
then the receptionist will ask you what the problem is,
然后你就不得不告诉那个接待员
and then you have to tell that receptionist,
一个你未曾谋面的人
who you don't even know,
你的身体状况
your medical issue.
我不喜欢去看医生
I don't like to go to the doctors,
我感觉我是在麻烦他们
I feel like I'm annoying them.
我会想
I just think,
“噢 也许他们能够把那七分钟花在
"Oh, they could probably have spent that seven minutes
照顾一个真正的病人身上”
"looking after somebody that was actually ill."
所以 我只会在
So, I will eventually present
有那种比较离谱的症状的时候才会去看医生
with the most ridiculous, kind of, symptoms.
我会说“这里已经流血42天了”
I'll say, "This has been bleeding for 42 days."
“它这样变黑没事吗”
"Is this meant to be black?"
在任何情况下寒暄
Making small talk in any circumstances
对于英国人而言都很奇怪
is awkward enough for the Brits,
当我们已经在一个尴尬又难受的状况之下时 就让我们自己待着吧
let alone when we're already in an uncomfortably embarrassing position.
我很讨厌 譬如 当你去做一个让人尴尬的检查的时候
I hate it when you go in for, like, an embarrassing test,
譬如 做子♥宫♥涂片检查的时候 他们试着跟你闲聊
like a smear test, and they try to chat to you!
那时的情况应该是“别跟我说话 别看我”
It's like, "Don't talk to me, don't look at me,
“我不想要”
"I don't want to...
“我想装作这件事从来没发生过”
"I want to pretend this never, ever happened!"
我去看过妇科医生 我就像这样躺着
I've been at the gynaecologists, I've been in THIS position
然后她认出了我 就从这个姿势认出来的 塔姆
and then she recognised me, from this position, Tam.
就这样
From that.
当我就这么躺在那的时候 她还一直问我关于工作方面的事
And she kept asking me about my work while I was laying there like this,
- 我就是没法跟她对话 - 并且你完全放松不下来
- and I just couldn't speak to her. - And you don't feel relaxed.
难道他们以为“如果我和你谈谈你的生活
Are they thinking "OK, you're going to feel relaxed
你会感到放松的”
"if I talk about your...?"
在这种情况下 你是没法感到放松的
In that position, you can't feel relaxed.
我只好说 “是的 不是”
I just did this... "Yeah, no."
“是的 是的” 不管她说什么
"Yeah. Yeah." I just did...
- 我都说“是的“ - 并且没有眼神交流
- Everything she said, "Yeah." - And there's no eye contact.
当你起来的时候 也没有眼神交流
When you come back, there's no eye contact...
- 那很糟糕 - 是很糟糕
- It's horrible. - It's horrible.
好吧 我可一直没起来
Well, I haven't been back...
我感觉那对我的健康不好
.. which I don't think is good for my health.
像我这个年龄的男人
Men of my age go to the doctors
会去找医生做前列腺检查
to have a prostate test...
那就意味着
and what that involves is
你要躺在一张床上 然后让医生
you lying down on a bed and having the doctor
将手指插入你的菊花里
put his finger up your arse.
所以 如果那医生能保持安静
So, I'll be quite happy with that
专心的做他该做的事
if the doctor was quiet,
我可就谢天谢地了
and just got on with his business,
但是他跟我说
but he said to me...
他想跟我聊聊天
He wanted to involve me in a conversation.
所以我躺下来 脱下裤子
So I laid down, trousers down,
然后感受到那根手指插了进来
and I felt the finger... up the arse.
然后他就开始了 他说
And as he did it, he said,
“你今天忙吗”
"So, have you got a busy day today?"
我简直 我配合他说道
I'm going... And I went along with it. I said,
“我今天下午要去试个镜“
"I'm going for a CASTING this afternoon...
“但感谢你的关心”
"but how kind of you to enquire."
在他的职业生涯中 维克面临过数不胜数的难题
In his career, Vic has faced countless challenging parts,
然而那些加起来也没有他的医生带给他的多
but probably not as many as his doctor.
我们发现回避他人
So, we've found out that avoiding people
是英国人的国民消遣方式
is a national pastime for the Brits,
我们不应该毫无准备地去坐出租车 对我们而言
we shouldn't get into a taxi without a plan and, for us,
寒暄是个大难题
small talk is a big problem --
所以我现在也得歇歇了
so I'll bring mine to a close for a minute or two.
待会见
See you in a bit!
目前为止 我们知道了在社交方面十分薄弱的英国人
So far we've learnt that the socially awkward Brits
面临着各种各样的英式糟心事
suffer from a variety of very British problems --
担心各种如何与人交谈
VBPs -- concerning all aspects of talking to,
或者如何与人保持距离的难题
or being in the vicinity of, other people.
我们的气候让我们长♥期♥宅在家里
Our climate keeps us enclosed indoors,
所以我们很重视私人空间
so we value our personal space,
然而无论何时 乘坐公共交通工具都是最为侵犯
and nowhere is our personal space more encroached upon
我们私人空间的事
than on public transport.
你让自己蜷缩起来 然后会有那么一个人
You've made yourself really small and then you get that person
挤过来并且几乎坐到了你身上 你知道我的意思吗
that just sits right ON you. Do you know what I mean?
你就会想“为什么你要靠我这么近”
And you're like... "Why are you so close to me?"
你往四周瞧瞧 发现有很多人其实和你的处境一样
You look around and there's a lot of people in the same position
但事实上没有一个人会说 “不好意思
but no-one's actually saying,"Excuse me, you've still got
你那边还有很多空位 能往旁边挪挪吗”
"a whole piece of seat that you could have. Could you move up?"
没人会这样说的
No-one does it.
不仅身体接触
And it's not just physical contact --
就连眼神交流也被尽量避免
even eye contact is to be avoided.
当你搭乘公共交通工具时
When you're on public transport,
这个空间如此狭小
it's such a confined space
你无法避免与某个人进行眼神接触x7f
that you're going to be making eye contact with someone,
所以你只好随便看看周围的人
so you've got to just look around the person,
但那会让你看上去像一个眼睛溜来溜去的疯子
and then you just look like a bit of a nutcase doing this with your eyes,
到处瞅瞅看看
just looking around everywhere.
当有的人在早晨犯迷糊半梦半醒之时
And then when someone's dazed or half asleep in the morning,
他们会凝视着你 当你把眼神移开 再看过去
they're just kind of gazing at you and then you look away, look back,
他们依然盯着你看
and they're still looking at you.
你会想 “这家伙 不会是想等我下车之后杀了我吧
You think, "This guy's...I'm going to get killed
或者一直跟踪我到小树林里去”
"when I get off this tube. I'm going to get followed to the woods.
“这家伙一直盯着我看干什么”
"Why's this guy staring at me?"
对于更开放的国家来说 乘公共汽车或火车
To more outgoing nations,a bus or train journey
是乘机搭讪并把一个陌生人
is the perfect opportunity to strike up a conversation
变成朋友的绝妙机会
and turn a stranger into a friend.
到访英国的游客并没有意识到这里的情况并非如此
Visitors to Britain tend not to realise this is not the case here,
他们出于善意开始的对话只会使我们焦虑
and their well-intentioned attempts to chat simply make us anxious.
在英国的公共交通工具上谈天说地
It's not appropriate to start a conversation