大英烦事多（2015）

是个不合时宜的举动
on public transport in England.
当你在火车 公共汽车或是地铁上时
You're on the train,or the bus, or the tube
周围都极为安静
and there's complete silence.
如果你跟人搭讪
If you spark up a conversation with someone,
人们会看向你 觉得你莫名其妙
people look at you like you've lost the plot.
他们会像这样 “这个叽叽喳喳的家伙是谁啊”
It's like, "Who's this guy talking to me?"
如果在公共汽车上 有人坐在你旁边 并开口说话
If someone sits down beside you on the bus and tries to speak,
虽然几率很渺茫
there's a small chance
但有可能他们是要开始自♥慰♥
they might start masturbating.
保证你的火车之旅不会因与某人身体接触 眼神接触 或是聊天
The best way to ensure your train journey is not made a living hell
而成为人间地狱的最好方法就是
by having to touch, see or talk to anyone
选择最佳的座位
is to secure the perfect seat.
那样的话你需要
And for that you need to move quickly,
借助某些合适的道具
confidently and ideally with some sort of prop
快速 自信 完美地行动
that suggests purpose.
在火车上
When people are on trains
当有人把包放在座位上时 那简直
and they've got a bag on a seat, that's...
- 我认为无法原谅 - 说的就是我嘛
- I think that's unforgivable. - That's me.
我去
Oh...
我不想你坐在那儿嘛
I don't want you sat there!
我总爱找一张四人桌
I always look for a table of four
然后把所有东西铺到上面
and then I just spread everything everywhere.
我会故意把一件我不需要的大夹克放在一个座位上
I'll take a big jacket I don't need on purpose and put that on one seat,
然后把一个包放在另一个座位上
I take a bag and put it on another seat,
至于挨着我的那个座位
and on the one next to me, I'll just be, like,
我会整个人横卧在上面
lounging all over it,
因为不想让其他人坐我旁边
because I don't want anybody sitting with me.
火车的头等舱里
'Travel first class on the railway.
座位可以保留
'Seats can be reserved.'
想要得到一个好座位 一个十分英国式的解决办法就是预订座位
A very British solution to getting a good seat is to reserve one,
但是一个分配的座位也意味着
but an allocated seat can also mean
你需要做好那座位被别人占的准备
an allocated person to confront.
如果我上火车发现有人坐在我预留的座位上
If I get on a train and someone's taken my reserved seat,
比起撕逼
rather than confront them,
事实上我更愿意站完这段旅程
I would actually rather just stand for the journey.
当然 我们会不爽
Of course, we're furious.
不同于我们欧洲大♥陆♥邻居们的直性子
But unlike our more passionate Continental neighbours,
英国人的怒火总是时刻被刻意压制在心里
Brit rage must remain,at all times, internal,
同时被压制的还有由于不坚定而生出的自我厌恶感
along with our self-loathing for not being assertive,
让占位者尴尬的愧疚感
guilt about making the seat-occupier feel awkward,
以及为了防止别人发现以上内心活动的窘迫
and embarrassment in case anyone notices any of this.
有一次我坐火车去曼彻斯特
I was getting the train to Manchester,
车厢里塞满了人 我和室友有两个预留座位
and it was packed, and we had two reserved seats, me and my mate.
我们走过去时
And we got to the reserved seats,
我们不坐那儿就得站着
and it was that or stand up,
但在那里 有一对80岁的老夫妻
and there was an 80-year-old couple
- 坐在我们的预留座位上 - 额滴神
- sat in our reservedseats... - Ooph...!
我们什么都没说
.. and we didn't say anything.
那种情况你能说什么呢 当时我太礼貌了 什么都没说
Would you have said anything? I was too polite to say anything.
- 嗯 - 然后那位丈夫意识到了发生了什么
- Well... - Then he clocked what had happened.
他突然拿出了十块钱
And then, at one point,he just took out a tenner
想要给我们
and tried to give it to us.
- 换做是我就会把钱接过来的 - 你会吗
- I'd have taken the tenner!- Would you?!
- 那可是我的座位 - 你会吗
- I'd have taken the seat. - Would you?
如果是我 就会打疾病牌了 我会对他说
Thing is, I've got... I'd have played the disability card and said,
“听着 兄弟 我只有百分之五十的治愈机会了”
"Look, mate, it's 50/50 on this one, isn't it?"
在一些特殊情况下 英国人会忽视
In certain circumstances,Brits will overlook a case
公然的占座行为
of blatant seat-theft
并毫无疑虑
with no qualms whatsoever.
通常发生在我们自我保护的本能
This occurs when the instinct for self-preservation
加深了与人对峙的恐惧的情况下
takes our fear of confrontation to new heights.
有一次我从
Once I was coming back
爱丁堡回到伦敦
from Edinburgh to London
看见我的座位上有三个和我年龄差不多的小伙子
and there was three lads about my age
一只比特犬
and a pit-bull
和一桶肯德基
and a bucket of KFC.
我当时是这样想的 “随你们去吧”
And I was like, "Just let 'em have it."
你知道我什么意思吗
Do you know what I mean?
我是说 “就让你们坐吧” 然后我走开了
Thought, "I'll just leave that." Just move on.
最受青睐的座位通常藏在
The most sought-after seats are tucked away
无声旅客车厢中
in the haven of the quiet coach.
多数英国人对于无声旅客车厢怀有敬畏之情
Most Brits treat the quiet coach with the reverence it deserves,
它就像自己最爱的教堂
like a favourite church
或者家里的卫生间一样
or the best loo at home.
但不是所有人都如此
But not all of them.
特别让我心烦的一件事是
One thing that really gets on my nerves
当我坐在火车一处无声车厢时
is when I'm sat on a quiet coach of a train
有人发出很大的噪音
and someone is making a lot of noise.
无声旅客车厢的规则很简单
The rules of the quiet coach are simple --
既然是无声车厢你就该保持安静
it does what it says on the coach.
但这种英国田园牧歌♥式的安宁
Yet the tranquillity of this very British idyll
却总是被某种类型的乘客破坏
is routinely broken by one type of passenger in particular.
在火车上我从不使用手♥机♥ 我就是不能这样做
I never use me phone on a train. I just can't do it.
我也阻止过那些
I've kind of pinned it down to the people
对着手♥机♥大声讲话的人
who do have loud conversations on their mobiles,
他们一般都是中层管理人员
and they're this kind of middle management people.
毕竟
You don't get...
穷♥人♥不会对着电♥话♥嘶吼
poor people bellowing down the phones,
富人也不会
you don't get rich people...
就只有这两者之间的
It's that kind of middle...
这种人刚开始接触业务
It's people that are new to business
嘴里念叨着 “我可以把露台加上去
who say, "I can put that patio in,
我会在本周内完成”
"and I'll have it done by the end of the week."
他们倒不如就站在车厢里宣布
They might as well just stand up in the train and say,
“伙计们 我把露台加上了
"Everybody, I lay patios."
如果你们还不知道的话”
"If you didn't know already."
在这样的情形下
In such situations,
英国人对强制执行的规则精益求精
Brits are sticklers for the rules being enforced,
但也通常依赖其他人来做
but always by somebody else,
唯恐把任何注意力吸引到自己身上来
lest we risk drawing any sort of attention to ourselves.
不 我绝不会告诉别人让他们保持安静 不会
No, I'd never tell anyone to be quiet, no.
我什么也不会说因为我太英国化
I never say anything because I'm always too British
太谨守礼貌了 所以我会仅仅发出啧啧声表达不满
and too polite to say anything, so I'll just tut
或是拿出手♥机♥通过发推特来发泄情绪
or I'll take out my phone and I'll tweet to vent my anger
推特上所有关注我的人就会知道 我很生气
so that everyone knows, who follows me on Twitter, that I'm angry,
但同时他们也会知道我没有勇敢到直接向别人表达我的不满
but also everyone knows I'm not man enough to say anything.
在极偶然的情况下 群星齐列 一个领导者横空出世
Very occasionally, though, the stars align and a leader emerges.
我很喜欢有人做出一些不那么英国式的举动
I love it when someone kind of does something a bit un-British
站出来说点什么
and kind of says something.
有一次我在火车上听见一个人对着手♥机♥讲话
Once I was on a train and someone was talking on the phone
有个老妇人起身
and this elderly woman got up,
径直走到他面前说
and walked down and went to him...
“不好意思 这里是无声车厢 要讲话请去外面”
"Excuse me, this is the quiet coach.You're going to have to go outside."
于是那个人离开了
And he went.
我真想和那老妇人击掌 她太棒了
And I wanted to high-five that old woman. She was brilliant.
我心想 “太好了 终于有人站出来说句话了”
I was like, "Yes! Someone has finally spoken up!"
很显然 我并没有对那老妇人说这句话
I didn't say anything to her, obviously,
终究我还是太英国范 我只是做了这个动作 就是这样
because I was British, I just went... And that was it.
但是 没错 在余下的旅程中她成了我心目中的英雄
But, yeah, she was my hero for the rest of that journey.
无论你身在哪一个车厢
But no matter in which coach you're sitting,
有一种侵犯性的举动
there's one transport transgression
是我们特别难以原谅的
that we British find it particularly hard to forgive.
在公共交通工具上吃热食
People eating hot food on public transport
是人性最糟糕的一面
are the worst example of humanity.
一个讨人烦的乘客对着手♥机♥大声讲话
An annoying passenger speaking loudly on the phone
也只是冒犯你的一种感官
offends only one of your senses,
而如果有人吃东西的话 你不仅能听见 看见
but if they're eating, you have to hear them, see them,
还得忍♥受食物散发出的任何气味
and put up with whatever smell they're wafting.
应该像新加坡一样 把这种行为写入明令禁止的法律中
Oh! It should be illegal like it is in Singapore!
我最近一次坐火车的时候
I was on a train fairly recently