大英烦事多（2015）

一个没有任何糟糕事情打扰的15分钟
in this country without anything screwing up,
但是到第16分钟 就要发生点什么事了
but... minute 16, something's going to happen.
所以 就像斯蒂芬解释的那样
So, while things are still far from ideal,
尽管不甚完美 但英国人至少尝试着制定
the British have at least tried to draw up a new set
一套新的问候指南
of greetings guidelines, as Stephen explains.
拥抱优先 这就是准则
The hug always wins, that's the rule.
如果有人想要一个拥抱 你也不得不拥抱
If someone goes for a hug, you have to go with the hug.
但是通常情况下 有一只手会被困在怀抱里
But there's normally a hand sort of trapped in the hug.
我相当喜欢那种会在和你打招呼时抓住你的人
I quite like it when you meet someone who just grabs you,
亲吻两次就好了 我相当喜欢这种方式
we're kissing twice and that's it. I quite like it.
“谢天谢地 有人控制了局势”
"Thank God, someone's taken control of this situation."
所以 掌握了初步的问候方式
So, having mastered the initial physical greeting,
就能打下良好的交流基础
friendly contact has been made.
但是 不可思议的是 这是简单的部分
But, unbelievably, that's the easy part.
现在你必须设法弄清楚对方的名字
Now you're going to have to find out their name.
我曾经遇到过很棘手的情况 我正在和别人说话
I was once in an awful situation where I was talking to someone
并且已经聊了挺久的
and had been talking to them for quite some time,
但是还不知道他们的名字
and didn't know their name
直到某个人过来 跟我说 “所以你打算把他们介绍给我吗”
until someone came up and went, "So are you going to introduce me?"
我就
And I went...
“算了吧 她吗 嘿 她可以自我介绍”
"Pfft! This one? Heh! She can introduce herself!"
“我叫林德赛” “这是林德赛”
"I'm Lindsey." "This is Lindsey."
600年前 三分之一的英国男人都叫约翰
600 years ago, a third of all British men were called John.
如果现在情况如同之前一样 事情会简单很多
And things would be a lot easier if they still were.
但是在所有人都带着身份铭牌出门的时代到来前
But until the time comes where we can all just wear nametags,
英国人忙于构思巧妙的策略
Britons are busy devising their own clever strategies
来获知他人的名字
for finding out names.
我一生都在说 “额 这是我 额 老婆”
I've spent my whole life saying, "Er, this is my, er, wife..."
然后等着他们互相介绍
and waiting for them to just introduce each other.
“嘿 你怎么样 这是我老婆 茱莉娅”
"Hey, how are you? This is my wife, Julia!
“斯蒂芬妮 茱莉娅 茱莉娅 斯蒂芬妮”
"Stephanie, Julia, Julia, Stephanie."
这样茱莉斯就可以插话了“抱歉 你叫什么来着”
'Cause Jules is straight in, "What's your name, sorry?"
但是即使是有这样适当的策略 如果你自信过头
But even with strategies like this in place, things can still go wrong
事情同样会变得很糟
if you become overconfident.
我父母最近去度假 某种意义上来说我丢下了他们
My parents went on holiday recently and I sort of dropped them off
我把他们交给一个有能力的代表负责
and I left them in the capable hands of one of the reps,
他的名字叫斯科特·理查德
whose name was Scott Richards.
然后我花了 大概 一小时左右在他的公♥司♥里跟他聊天
And I spent, like, an hour with him in his company
而且斯科特人很好
and Scott was great.
你知道的 我一直在对我的父母说
You know, and I kept saying to my parents,
“如果你们遇到任何麻烦 找斯科特就好了”
"If you have any problems, "you just need to ask Scott,"
这样真的很好
and it was great.
我们聊了很久而且他真的很乐于助人
And we were chatting away for ages and he was really helpful.
然后到了说再见的时候 我说 “好的 假日愉快
Then when it came to say goodbye, I said, "OK, have a lovely holiday,
还有斯科特 非常感谢你 你真的真的非常棒”
"and Scott, thank you so much, you've been really, really fantastic."
然后他说 “事实上 我的名字是理查德
And he went, "Actually, my name's Richard.
理查德·斯科特”
It's Richard Scott."
“哦”
"Oh..."
可以说我侮辱了他 但是他什么都没有说
I basically insulted the guy, but he didn't say anything.
可能是因为他太有礼貌 太有绅士风度了吧
Probably because he was being too polite and British
他不想让我觉得尴尬
and he didn't want to make me feel awkward.
但是为什么到最后又告诉我了
But then why did he tell me at the end?
就当是一个新名字 斯科特 理查德 斯科特
Just assume the new name, Scott. Richard. Scott...
如果你迫不得已要与不知道尊姓大名的人
If you have ended up in embroiled in a conversation
进行一场谈话
where you don't know the name of the person you're speaking to,
这里还有个稍纵即逝的机会
there's a strictly limited window of opportunity
能轻易解决这个问题
in which this can easily be resolved
而在此之后 就像任何怕难为情的英国人都会告诉你的那样
after which, as any self-conscious Brit will tell you,
名字将永远都成谜
the name must remain forever a mystery.
哦 但是不 你在谈话刚开始一分半 或至多两分钟内
Oh, but no, you can do, "Sorry, what was your name?"
可以问“抱歉 你叫什么名字”
within the first 90 seconds, two minutes tops.
如果你们就共同的朋友已经谈论了十分钟
If you've been in a conversation for ten minutes about mutual friends
在那时你已错失良机 你不能说
and that time you went skiing, you can't then go,
“抱歉 你的名字是什么” 你就是不能
"I'm sorry, what's your name?" You just can't.
一旦你开始谈话
Once you've embarked on a conversation,
礼仪要求无论怎样你不能请求别人重复
etiquette demands that you will neither ask a person to repeat,
或者阐明任何细节
nor clarify any details whatsoever.
当有人说了什么 而你又
When someone says something and you just...
在这种情况下 我想你唯一能做的事就是发出笑声
The only thing I think you can do in that situation is laugh.
你只能
You can only...
当他们说什么的时候 就
When they say something, just go...
- 或者你笑了然后一脸震惊的说 “哦 不” - 对
- Or you laugh and then you look shocked and say, "Oh, no." - Yeah.
你只需要 “哦 不”
You just go... "Oh, no!"
你还需要琢磨一下 你必须要琢磨一下表情
And you have to gauge it. You have to gauge the face,
你懂我的意思吗
do you know what I mean?
这是中立的 “噢 上帝 真的吗”
It's the neutral... "Oh, my gosh, really?"
“噢 不”
"Oh, no!"
- 然后这样 不要犹豫 - 对
- And then go. Don't hang around. - Yeah!
出于某些原因 说“什么”或“再来一遍”
Because saying "What?" or "Pardon?"
都会被视为无礼
for some reason is seen as rude.
对 或者你仅仅是说 “抱歉 你在说什么”
Yeah. Or you simply just say, "I'm sorry, what were you talking about?"
- 但这才是你的真实想法 - 我说了
- But that's what you want to say! - I say it!
“措词 措词”
"Diction. Diction."
- 但是你不能那么说 - 不 我不能
- But you can't say that, though. - No, I can't.
你不能这么说
You can't say that.
几天前我和我儿子一起乘出租时
In a cab a couple of days ago with my son,
在40分钟的路程里
and the taxi driver talked to me
司机一直在跟我说话 从未停止
for the whole of the 40-minute journey, didn't stop talking.
但是我始终听不清他在讲什么
But I couldn't really hear what he was saying.
一辆黑色出租车 而且对讲机不太好使
A black cab, and the intercom system wasn't quite working.
我一开始就说了 “不好意思 我不太听得见你说话”
I did say once at the beginning,"Sorry, I can't quite hear you,"
但是他也没有听见我说的这句话
but he didn't hear me say that.
可我觉得再说一遍太难为情了
So I was too embarrassed to say it again,
所以我在接下来的40分钟里重复着
so I spent the next 40 minutes going,
“噢 真的吗 对啊”
"Oh, really? Uh-huh."
虽然它有缺点 尤其是在
Though it has its drawbacks, especially
谈论重要的事情的时候
when discussing matters of great importance,
但我们英国人比较钟情于这种要面子的行为
this dignity-preserving arrangement is one we Brits are very happy with.
那些不这样做
And foreigners who refuse to play the game
而是坚持去澄清的外国人则会引起不可言说的尴尬
and insist on clarification can cause untold embarrassment.
我记得有一次在美国的飞机上
I remember once being on a plane in America
我叫来了一位空姐
and asking a woman serving us...
她说 “有什么需要的吗”
She said, "Do you want anything?"
我说 “噢 我想要点水” 她说了句 “衰吗”
I went, "Oh, I would love some water." She went, "Wah-wah?"
“不 不 是水 汽水” 她说 “气衰吗 ”
"No, no, water. Fizzy water." She went, "Fuzzy wah-wah?"
然后我就特别想说 你♥他♥妈♥是不是傻啊
And I felt like saying,"You're a fucking idiot!
“气什么衰啊”
"What's fuzzy wah-wah?!"
在航♥空♥旅行史上 有哪个坐飞机的人会说
Who's ever, ever in the history of air travel gone on a plane and said,
“请给我一杯气衰”
"I would like some fuzzy wah-wah, please?"
能不能动动你那鸡眼儿大的脑子
Use what brain you have
想想什么东西听起来像 “衰”
to work out what sounds like "wah-wah"
而且旅客会需要的啊
that someone on a plane might like.
“噢 是水啊” 那“气”是什么鬼啊
"Oh, water!" You know, what could "fuzzy" be?
是汽水的汽啊 除了这个还能是什么啊
Fizzy! It's not going to be anything else.
真是让人光火啊
And that's infuriating.
但是 出于礼貌我只是说了句 “不 不”
But, politely, I just went "No, no,"
然后我觉得我该试试美式发音
and then I think I tried to put on the American accent.
我说 “不 是水儿 噗嗤噗嗤冒泡的汽水儿”
I went, "No, wa-tah, wa-tah. Sparkling wa-tah."
你听听啊 我就像个傻瓜一样
And you think, "I sound like an idiot,
好像我在做詹姆斯·斯图尔特模仿秀似的
"like I'm doing a James Stewart impersonation.
凭什么我就得这样啊
Why am I doing this?
人愚不自知而得以愚人
"You're the person who's stupid and now you've made me the stupid person."
不仅仅是我们说的话会给我们带来麻烦
But it's not just what we say that causes us problems.
另外成千上百种说话的方式
The myriad of ways we can say it is a whole other
同样是会带来交际问题的雷区
minefield of social discomfort.
所有嗦英语的棱
All ze people who say zey speaking English,
也会有不同的扣音
they speak with accent so differ-ent
以至于他们听起来像在说外语一样
that they might be speaking foreign languages.
这话你可说对了 英语方言确实有极大的不同
You may be right there. English dialects do vary a good deal.
人们会根据环境来改变口音
Everyone changes their accent depending on their environment.