大英烦事多（2015）

不列颠 孕育了英国人的摇篮
Britain, the home of the British.
居住在这片土地上的六千万居民忙于
Its 60 million citizens busy themselves doing things
享用点心和茶品
like having a snack or a cup of tea,
忙于从工作中脱离出来回到家中 盯着手♥机♥屏幕
getting home from work and staring into their mobile phones
直到上♥床♥睡觉
until it's time for bed.
但是除了英国绚烂的文化和悠久的历史之外
But along with their proud history and vibrant culture,
一种更加强大且多面的力量
the British are bound together
将英国人牢牢的联♥系♥在一起
by far more powerful and problematic forces --
一套世界其他地区的人们永远无法理解的
a unique set of behaviours and complicated social codes
独到且复杂的行为和社会准则
the rest of the world will never understand.
没错 甚至大部分英国人在醒着的每个时刻
Yes, even the greatest of Britons spend every waking moment
都会受到这些准则的牵制 束缚以及摧残
blighted, hampered and frustrated by very British problems.
音乐：扭曲 果浆乐团
MUSIC: Mis-Shapes by Pulp
# 扭曲 错误 不适 #
Misshapes, mistakes, misfits
# 我们吃着碎饼干长大 #
Raised on a diet of broken biscuits
# 噢 我们看起来与众不同 #
Oh, we don't look the same as you
# 我们所做的事情独一无二 #
And we don't do the things you do
# 但是我们与你共享同一片土地 哦 真的 #
But we live around here too Oh, really...
如果你曾在排队时发出啧啧声来表达不满
If you've ever tutted in a queue,
在暑假时为了以防万一穿上了风衣
worn an anorak on your summer holiday just in case,
或者是对着无生命物体表达歉意
or apologised to an inanimate object,
那么你就受到了这些英式准则的影响
then you are suffering from very British problems
而你并不孤单
and you are not alone.
我不知道我为什么要这么做 但我一直如此处事
I don't know why I do it, but I do it all the time.
英式准则已深深扎根于这个民族的灵魂中
VBPs are deeply ingrained in the national psyche.
噢
Oh!
从我们对严格的 不成文的行为准则的遵守
From our adherence to strict, unwritten rules of behaviour,
到我们尴尬的社交活动
to our awkward social interactions...
噢 抱歉抱歉
Oh, sorry, sorry...
我们十分害怕冒犯他人
.. we have a horror of offending
还拥有无限冷场的能力
and an infinite capacity for embarrassment.
我想 在我向侍者抱怨之前
I'd eat a plate of cold sick, I think,
我可能已经把一盘又冷又恶心的食物吃掉了
before complaining to a waiter.
但是我们为什么会这样呢
But why are we like this?
为什么我们总是坚持不懈的给自己找麻烦呢
Why do we insist on making things so difficult for ourselves?
私底下我们是否乐在其中呢
And do we secretly enjoy it?
我是岛屿民族 离我远点
I'm an island race -- leave me alone!
在这个系列中 我们将会探寻这些从某种程度而言
In this series, we'll investigate the hidden codes and prompts
我们天生就认同和理解的隐秘行为准则
we all somehow inherently recognise and understand.
发出啧啧声表达不满是最具英国特色的行为之一
Tutting is one of the most British things.
我们将会探寻世人困惑的
We'll look for the logic behind the British behaviour that
藏在英国人行为背后的逻辑
the rest of the world finds baffling.
我从没有见过
I've never met a people
比英国人更不会聊天的人了
who were better at not getting to the point than Brits.
如果你苟且隐忍♥
And if you're suffering in silence,
我们会让你以你现在的状况为荣
we'll help you be proud of your condition.
啊 做个英国人真难
Ah, it's tough being British.
这些也许都是麻烦 但它们却都是我们的麻烦
These might be problems, but they're OUR problems.
英国那些事儿
Very British Problems.
如果说有一个问题对于英国人而言极其难以克服
If there's one problem the British find particularly difficult
那就是和像他们一样的人 其他英国人
to overcome, it's interacting with people just like themselves --
交流
other Brits.
在本集中 我们将会看到在与他人交流时
In this episode, we'll be looking at the many
发生的各种各样的英国式麻烦
and varied VBPs that can occur when dealing with other people.
如果你对英国式麻烦还不太了解 那么我们从最基本的开始
If you're not entirely clear what a VBP is, let's start with the basics.
交流开始时
As communication goes,
没有什么比说“你好”更基本的了
it doesn't get much more basic than saying "hello".
英国人不知道该如何互相问候
Brits can't greet each other.
在打招呼这方面 我们就是渣渣 表现得糟糕 尴尬还笨拙
We're terrible, we're awkward, we're clumsy, we're rubbish at greeting.
回想从前 打招呼的方式十分简单
Back in the day, it used to be simple --
你只需要用一个英国老式握手礼
you just greeted everyone, friends, acquaintances, your wife,
跟所有人打招呼就好了 不管是朋友 熟人还是妻子
with a good old-fashioned British handshake.
一进办公室 先看他的手
On entering the office, watch his hand.
握手礼在这儿不及在其他国家那般流行
Handshaking is not so common as in other countries.
如果他的确把手伸了出来 用力地握两下
If he does offer his hand, shake it firmly.
早上好 我希望你旅途愉快
Good morning, I hope you've had a good journey.
如果你在一个会议上用错误的方式与别人握手
If you shake someone's hand in the wrong way at a meeting,
也许那一瞬间就决定了成败
it's a make-or-break situation.
如果你握手握的不够紧
If you don't shake someone's hand firmly enough,
如果你没有用力到几乎要握断别人的手指
if you don't basically almost break one of their fingers,
那么你不妨直接走出会场
you may as well walk out of that meeting...
“我到底还要握多久”
"How long do I shake the hand for?!"
人类采用握手礼和对方打招呼
Human beings have been greeting each other with
已有超过2500年的历史
a handshake for more than 2,500 years.
这些规矩建立完备且直截了当
The rules are well established and pretty straightforward,
但是我们仍然不擅长于此
yet somehow we're still not that good at it.
我对自己的手很小这件事相当有自知之明
I'm very self-conscious about the fact that I've got tiny hands.
但是我 我遇到那些
But I'm... I'm really paranoid
手大得跟铁锹似的家伙总有点怕怕的
when I meet blokes with hands like shovels.
我总觉得他们会拿起我的手来个吻手礼
I almost think they're going to take my hand and kiss it.
我也知道我的握手相当无力
And I know I have a really weak grip.
并且 你知道的 和女孩们在一起
And... You know with girls,
遇见她们的父亲或者是父母时
when you meet their fathers or their parents?
你可以立马感觉到那种彻底的失望
You can just immediately sense the utter disappointment.
嗯 你知道的 如果我继续和她们约会
That, you know, if I went on to date them,
发展到下一步的话
if it goes on any further,
我可能会给他们诞下一些多病的外孙
that I may sire some very sickly grandkids for them.
如果我们尚在与这种基本的礼仪较劲 那么
And if we're struggling with even the basics, then putting
新式时髦握手礼让事情变得更加糟糕了
a trendy new spin on the handshake is only going to make matters worse.
目前 我们都不知道该如何是好
We don't know where we're at, at the moment.
我们过去直接用一个普通握手礼就可以了
We used to be very, very straight on just a very normal handshake.
然后我们变成了这种握手礼 然后是用大拇指
But then we went the handshake and then the thumbshake
然后现在 现在 先是拇指然后是一条胳膊
and then now... Now, it's in thumb and then the one arm.
有天一些人对我做这个 我就只是说“哇 酷”
Some guy the other day did that to me and I just went, "Yeah, cool."
我就跟着做了
I just went with it.
不过我们似乎还没陷入极端艰难的处境
As if we weren't already in difficulty enough,
那么英国人曾经向谁寻求过帮助呢 法国人
who did the British look to for help? The French!
吻一边脸颊或者两边 这是从什么时候开始的呢
Kissing on one cheek or two cheeks. When did that start?
维克说 我想是从我们加入欧共体之后开始的
I think it was when we joined the EEC, Vic.
几天前 我见到一个人 她把一边脸颊凑过来
And I met someone a couple of days ago and she offered me
我思考了一下 然后她把另一边也凑过来
the cheek, I think, and then the other cheek.
但是事情变得一团糟 最后我们 额 以撞头的形式结束了
But it got messy and we ended up sort of, like, nutting each other.
这很尴尬 不是吗
It's very awkward, isn't it?
有时候 我伸出手 我的同伴却准备给我一个亲吻礼
Sometimes, I go for the hand and my mate goes for the kiss.
所以你得到一个手吻礼 这非常的
So you've got a... a hand kiss. It's very...
或者我想用吻脸礼
Or I go for the kiss
突然间有只手递过来了 连点规则都没有 不是吗
and suddenly I find the hand going... There's no rule, is there?
- 哦 抱歉 噢 - 噢
- Oh, sorry. Oh! - Oh...
我觉得 那一两个吻简直就是无情的杀手 你知道的
The one or two kisses is a killer, I think. You know...
我不知道 我完全手足无措
I don't know... I don't understand where I'm going with it,
我也不知道该怎么做 同样 他们可能不打算吻面
I don't know where it's... Also, they're not even doing kisses.
我只是把我的 我所做的就是
I'm just putting my... All I'm doing is
把我下巴放的离你肩膀近点 然后换一边再做一次
putting my chin near your shoulder and my chin near your shoulder.
那甚至算不上一个吻
It's not even a kiss.
我完全搞不懂 这都是因为那些法国人
I can't work it out, and it's all because of the French.
在尝试过把一些欧洲大♥陆♥的复杂的问好方式
Having tried to inject a little Continental sophistication
运用于我们的日常交流 并以失败告终后
into our interactions and failed, we certainly won't be
在面对我们过度热情的美国堂兄（电影名）时必然不会犯同样的错误
making the same mistake with our over-friendly American cousins.
“过得开心”
"Have a nice day"?
我说 “拜托 过得开不开心是由我决定的
I say, "Please, that's up to me to have a nice day.
我不需要你来告诉我要过得开心
"I don't need you to tell me to have one.
在这一刻 我过得非常不开心
"I'm having a very nasty day at the moment.
我不知道我的一天会过得如何
"I don't know how it's going to go,
但是这与你无关”
but it's nothing to do with you."
当然这种问候语完全行不通 而且有着充分的理由
Of course that was never going to work. And with good reason!
大部分英国人已经看开了
Most Brits see right through that
因为他们知道一整天都开心是不可能的
because they know it's not possible to have a nice day.
你可以说 “祝你接下来的一刻钟开心”
You could say, "Have a nice quarter of an hour,"
英国人会说 “非常感谢” 因为这是可控的
and Brits would go, "Thank you very much," because that's manageable.
在这个国家 你可以完全悠闲地享受
You can have a good 15 minutes