大英烦事多（2015）

然后试啊试 就希望里面能网住个一两条鱼
the end of sticks and tried... hoping that there would be a fish in there.
- 女孩们 你们打哪儿来 - 林肯郡
- Where've you come from, girls? - Lincolnshire.
- 玩得开心吗 - 很开心 谢谢
- Had a nice time? - Yes, thank you.
巴特林有什么好玩的呢
What's so good about Butlins, then?
有很多可以做的事 很好玩啊
So much to do, it's good fun.
嗯 这是项不错的娱乐项目 我很喜欢
Well, it's great entertainment, I really enjoyed it.
- 你不想出国玩玩吗 比如里维埃拉或者哪儿 - 不想
- Wouldn't you prefer to be abroad? Riviera or something like that? - No.
在你七八♥九♥岁的时候 你真不知道度假是个啥
When you're seven, eight, nine, you don't really know what a holiday is.
你唯一的经历是你在假期所做的事 只有到了现在
Your only experience of it is what you've done and it's only now
我回忆起来的时候才知道我爸妈带我们去的地方
when I look back that I realise that my mum and dad were taking us
烂到只能称之为茅坑
to what I can only describe as a shit-hole.
就像那次 在一个都不能称之为旅行车停车场 那儿有个家伙 比尔先生
Like... it wasn't even a caravan park, it was this guy, Mr Beale...
我爹给了他 大概有20镑 我们把自己的旅行车捯饬好
My dad would give him, like, 20 quid and let us pitch our caravan
还盖上雨篷 就在一片烂泥地上
and the awning on this wasteland of mud.
我爸就郑重其事地说
And the big thing my dad would say is,
“哦 它还有个游泳池 有个游泳池呢”
"Oh, it's got a swimming pool, it's got a swimming pool."
我现在才知道他所说的就是个搭在地面上的水泥建筑
And I only realise now that what he had was a concrete structure
他就用软管朝里面灌个水
which sat above the ground that he would just fill with a hose,
而且 我就在里面学的游泳
and, like, I learnt to swim in that pool.
作为惯守传统的生物
Being creatures of habit,
一旦确定了一个度假地 英国人就会
once a holiday location has been identified, the British will return
每年都去那儿 不管合不合适
to the same place every single year, regardless of suitability.
我们每年都去苏格兰的同一个农场度假
We went on holiday every year to the same farmhouse in Scotland
因为既然你找到了你喜欢去的地儿 干嘛换呢
because once you've found somewhere you like, why change?
我们每天都去沙滩 哪怕
We would go to the beach every day, didn't matter
气温只有十度 因为我们在度假
if it was ten degrees, cos we were on holiday.
我妈会强行让我们下海游泳
My mother would make us swim in the sea,
可能是爱尔兰海 反正挺冷的
it might have been the Irish Sea, it was a very cold sea.
在这儿就算有个石油钻塔工人掉进去
The same sea that if oil riggers fall in it,
他们也会发个救生衣给他
they have a survival suit.
我们穿着在家庭商店买♥♥的泳衣 我妈会给我们拍个照
We had a swimming costume from BHS and my mum would take a picture of us
还一边喊着 “笑一个”
and shout things like, "Smile!"
“看起来好像你们玩得不开心嘛”
"It looks like you're not enjoying yourself,"
即使我们嘴唇都慢慢变青了
as our lips gradually turned blue.
假期必须和日常生活有所不同
A holiday must be a change from the ordinary routine.
即使称不上令人愉快 但假期是一次让你看见不寻常的景象
The opportunity of coming into contact with scenes
听见不一般的声音的机遇
and sounds that are unusual, not to say entrancing.
离家的经历给英国人带来了
The experience of being away from home provides the Brits with
体验异域风情的机会
an opportunity to sample the exotic.
当然是满足自己
Self-catering, of course.
那对我妈来说算不上是度假
So it wasn't much of a holiday for my mum
因为还有我们五个和两条狗
because there were five of us and two dogs.
她以前会去马克斯班塞 很潮哦
She used to go into Marks & Spencer's, very posh,
然后买♥♥个白汁沙司调味的的鸡肉罐头
and get a can of chicken in a white sauce.
然后她就说 “今晚我不烧饭了”
And she'd go, "I'm not cooking tonight,
“我们吃罐装鸡肉”
"we're having chicken in a tin,"
事实上呢 我们确实是很激动
and genuinely, that was really exciting
因为那就好像是太空食物
because it was like a space food.
因为我们当时没有微波炉 所以就是罐头装的鸡肉
Because we didn't have microwaves, it was chicken in a tin.
但是即使是英国人也只能忍♥受这么多英国范儿
But even the Brits can only put up with so much Britishness.
有一年 下雨整整下了一个礼拜
One year, it rained solid for a week.
所以基本上我
And basically it was me,
我妈 我爸 还有我两个姐姐 就玩Uno玩了整整一个礼拜
my mum and dad and my two sisters playing Uno... for a week.
这游戏偶尔玩玩还是蛮有意思的
You know, and the occasionally a game of rummy.
所以我妈就说 “够了 我们存点钱
And my mum said, "That's it, we are saving up
然后去法国南部吧”
"and we're going to the south of France."
这些年 由于机票便宜 所以60%的英国人认为
These days, cheap air fares mean that nearly 60% of Brits decide
他们无需再忍♥受本国单调乏味的度假地点
they don't need to put up with our unexciting holiday locations
和变化不定的天气了 所以决定出国度假
and unpredictable weather, and instead choose to holiday abroad.
但是如果你要迈出这跨越国境线的一步的话
But if you're going to take the leap of faith and leave our borders,
未雨绸缪就显得至关重要了
it's crucial to be prepared for even more eventualities.
去度假的时候 哦 我不会收拾行李
Going on holiday is... Oh... I can't pack.
我没法儿少带东西 就是这样 没法儿少带
I can't pack light, basically, I can't pack light.
放松消遣不是度假的重点
Relaxation is not the point of a holiday,
准备工作才是重点
preparation is the point of a holiday.
出国玩的时候 英国人做什么事都持有这么一个观点
When visiting abroad, the British do so in the certain knowledge
外国人做的就是不对
that foreigners do things the wrong way,
外国人所做的准备不能满足我们的需求
and that their countries are not equipped to meet our needs.
欧洲游的基本攻略包括把能穿上六个礼拜的衣服
The basic strategy of European travel consists in cramming
死命塞进一个周末度假的包包
clothes for a six-week vacation into a weekend bag.
你总能判别出英国游客 就看他们每个人
You can always identify British people due to the... each of them
都有个帆布包 夫妻俩都是帆布包 因为两个人都有自己的东西
have a rucksack, both rucksacks, cos both have separate things.
女的可能包里装着药啊什么的
The woman probably has got the medicines in it
因为很明显啊 你一旦出了国
because clearly when you go abroad, and this is very important,
外国人哪有我们这儿用的药啊 这一点很重要
abroad people don't have the same medicines we do.
女人带着药 男人就带着男人的东西
Woman's got the medicines and the man's got the man things --
单反啊 钱包啊 还有地图
he's got the camera, the wallet, he's got the maps.
备用卫衣啊 常穿的卫衣啊 带三只手♥机♥
He's got the spare jumpers, the jumpers, three phones,
还有乱七八糟的 银行卡 紧急电♥话♥号♥码 备用计划
everything, credit card, emergency numbers, laminated plan,
紧急联络人 大使♥馆♥的电♥话♥
emergency contacts, the number of the Embassy,
瓶装水 因为你可不能喝国外的水 是吧 我的妈呀
bottled water, cos you can't drink water abroad, can you? My goodness.
我妈就是这样的 她不认为
My mum's one for that, she doesn't think... she thinks that
她觉得熨斗是英国人发明的
an iron is something that was invented in Britain, you know
你知道我什么意思的 而且她认为很明显只有英国会使用熨斗
what I mean, and it's ostensibly only used in Britain.
我觉得政♥府♥真的应该建立个国家资助的援助小组
I think... there really should be some government-aided support group
帮帮那些度假还带上个便携熨斗的人
for people who pack a travel iron.
总而言之 在你的行李箱里给英式美食留点空间
Above all, it's important to leave room in your suitcase
还是很重要的
for some British food.
外国料理可能会太辣
Foreign cuisine could be too spicy,
太生 或是包含动物身上你不吃的部分
too raw or contain the wrong parts of an animal.
所以最好还是别冒险吧
So it's best not to take the risk.
我每次出国 就算我想要
Whenever I go abroad, even though I want to, like,
尽量适应那儿的文化 我还是会忍♥不住想念英国的东西
integrate into the culture, I can't help but want British things.
我度假也吃英国菜
I have taken British food on holiday.
度假时我喜欢带上英国芥末酱 这是必需品
I like to take English mustard on holiday -- essential.
我有时候还带上自己的茶包
I sometimes take my own teabags.
还有亨氏烘豆 你必须得带上几罐
And Heinz baked beans, you have to have a couple of cans
不管你在哪儿 因为你在菲律宾可找不到这些
wherever you are, because you can't get those in the Philippines.
有一种特别的食物 英国人总喜欢带在身边
There's one food in particular that Brits keep close to them
不分时间场合
at all times.
我去世界各地都带着马麦酱
I have taken Marmite all over the world.
就是它 尽管很令人惊讶 马麦酱 这种用制啤酒的余料制成的
Yes! Surprisingly enough, Marmite, a super salty food paste made out of
齁咸的食品酱料从未在海外流行过
the slop left over from making beer, has never really caught on overseas.
事实上 马麦公♥司♥最近发♥售♥了一款迷你70克的迷你小包装
In fact, Marmite recently launched a mini 70g jar
使得乘飞机的英国旅客能将它收入手提行李
so British air passengers can take it in their hand luggage
毕竟它是飞机场没收到的最多的物品之一
after learning it was one of the most confiscated items at airports.
如果我要在哪儿待上几天
If I was going to go somewhere for a while,
我绝对会带上马麦酱 它真是太
I would definitely take Marmite, because it's just...
我就喜欢那种粘稠的 辛辣的 焦油一样的味道
I like that kind of thick, acrid, tar-like flavour.
有时候你需要些开胃菜
Sometimes you need savoury
不会有比马麦酱更便携的调味料了
and there isn't any portable savoury other than Marmite.
英国人在对自己准备工作充分感到骄傲的同时
Being proud of their own levels of preparation,
还会对外国人完完全全对任何事情都不做准备的
the British are suspicious of laissez-faire foreigners
这种自♥由♥主义持有相当的怀疑
who seem to be utterly unprepared for anything.
如果你看到个意大利或者法国人
If you see kind of Italian or French people,
他们就穿着短裤T恤到处晃悠 可能还带个钱包
they just wander out in shorts and a T-shirt, maybe a wallet,
可能还有副墨镜 别的什么都没有
maybe a pair of sun... Nothing else, though.
西班牙当地人去沙滩干什么是我们完全不可预料的
All bets are off in Spain when the locals go to the beach.
他们想干嘛干嘛 就一条毛巾 不带别的东西了
They do what they want! Just a towel, that's all they take.
我妈会带个冰袋 沙滩桌椅
My mum's got like a cooler bag, table and chairs.
完完全全的英式 我们觉得 “这一块儿沙滩是我们的地盘”
It's so British, we're like, "This is our little area of the beach."
而西班牙人就这么 躺在那儿
The Spanish are like... laying down.
英国人永远无法提前为之做足准备的一件事就是出太阳
One thing the British are never prepared for is the sun.
英国人一贯地把晒伤看作是
Britains have traditionally accepted sunburn
度假自然而然的组成部分
as a natural part of any holiday.
防晒代表着软弱
Protecting yourself is a sign of weakness.
大英帝国可不是一帮擦着高档防晒霜的人建立起来的
The empire wasn't built by men wearing factor 50.
小伙子们度假的时候 他们 他们总是
While on lads' holidays, it's like... they always get
把自己晒伤 晒成猪肝红
sunburnt, like blood red.
我也有过那样 晒得很伤
I've been there as well, proper sunburnt.