大英烦事多（2015）

有一个小子坐我后面
and a bloke was behind me...
当时我心想 “一个人到底能连续不断地放多少次屁”
I was thinking "How many times can a man fart? Constantly."
然后我转过身 他只是在给熟鸡蛋剥皮
Then I turned round and he was just peeling a boiled egg.
真是厚颜无♥耻♥
Quite brazenly.
是的 没错 我从未在火车上吃东西
So, yeah, I'd never eat on a train.
就是不想让别人对我有如此不好的看法
I just wouldn't want people to think that badly of me.
自从蒸汽时代的鼎盛时期到来以后
Since the golden age of the days of steam,
英国的铁路网络就成为全世界的倾羡对象
Britain's rail network has been the envy of the world.
在旅途中如果没有任何人坐你旁边
And if you're able to spend your journey with nobody sitting next to you,
你也无需因为别人的恼人行为而与他们对峙
no need to confront anyone about their behaviour,
全程也很安静 嗯 就很容易明白我们被羡慕的原因了
and in complete silence...Well, easy to see why.
目前为止 我们已经聚焦英国人在试图
So far, we've been looking at the problems faced by the Brits
避开其他人的过程中所面临的各种问题
when sensibly trying to avoid other people.
值得注意的是 离家越近 问题就越复杂
Incredibly, this becomes more complicated the closer we are to home.
百分之八十的英国人住在城镇
80% of Britons now live in towns and cities.
我们很喜欢紧密团结的社区这一理念
We love the idea of a close-knit community.
如果我们知道该如何跟邻居打交道就好了
If only we knew how to talk to our neighbours.
我有和邻居说过话
I have spoken to my neighbours.
我表现得有点神经质
I'm a bit of a freak like that.
认识周围的人很重要
It's important to know one side and that side
这样的话 你和他们就有了点头之交
and then after that, you're kind of on nodding terms
但除了这个 其他的一切都还处于未知状态
and then everything else is just unknown.
你不能
You don't kind of...
我认为疯子的一个特征就是
I think the mark of a lunatic is
认识这条街的每一个人
getting to know everyone in the street.
如果有人在他们自家的前花♥园♥里 你当然可以去和他们聊天
If someone's in their front garden you're allowed to talk to them...
没问题的
that's OK.
但是去敲他们的门 那就有点过了
But knocking on someone's door,that's quite a thing to do.
除非你的房♥子着火了 否则不要轻易去敲邻居家的门
If you go and knock on a neighbour's door, your house better be on fire.
想要比保持一定距离的正常关系还要亲近
Anything more cosy than an arm's length relationship
只会带来更多的问题
only brings more problems.
我的邻居为我烹饪
My neighbour cooks for me
我觉得最困难的事情之一就是
and I always find one of the most difficult things being,
不知道该什么时候把盘子还回去
when do you take the plates back?
那真的 就像 有时候我拿着盘子
That really... Like, sometimes I'll have a plate
我知道如果我去还的话
and I'll know that if I go round that
我就不得不和他们唠唠家常了
I'll have to talk to them about some other kind of local community thing,
所以我选择把盘子留着 但这样盘子的事情又总会在我脑海里晃
so I'll keep the plate, but then the plate will play on my mind.
唉 真让人心累 不是吗 像个杀人犯一样老实待屋里
Oh! It's exhausting, isn't it? It's just easier to just stay in the house
才是更简单舒适的活法
and be one of those people that,like, when you do a murder,
他们跟你的唯一交集
the only thing they knew about you
就是他们看见过你出门倒垃圾
was that they'd seen you putting your bin out.
是的 享受社区生活的最好方法就是
Yes, the best way to enjoy the community you live in
闭门不出
is to stay indoors at all times.
当然 你还是可以邀请邻居去你家吃饭
Of course, you could always ask people round,
但这又是何必呢
but why would you do that?
我家就是你家 是西班牙人挂在口头的话
The Spanish love to use the phrase, "Mi casa es su casa."
这句话没有确切的英文翻译
There is no exact English translation for this,
或者说没有我们愿意去理解的翻译
or not one that we are willing to comprehend.
相反 我们英国人有自己对家里客人
Instead, there is one extremely loaded phrase
常用的充满深层意味的话
we British use on our house guests.
当我说 把这里当自己家吧 我绝不是那样想的
When I say make yourself at home, I don't mean it.
“真的 就把这里当自己家吧”
"Honestly, just make yourself at home."
跟你讲清楚 这绝不是我的真实意思
Just to be clear, that is not what I mean.
我的实际意思是 “这可不是你家”
I mean, "This isn't your home."
一个人所能说的最糟糕的话就是 “就当这里是自己家吧”
"Make yourself at home," is like the worst thing someone can say,
因为它的真实含义是 “一定要注意
because that really means, "Be really careful.
把鞋子脱了 别把脚放在我的沙发或桌子上
"Take your shoes off. Don't put your feet on the couch or my table,
在房♥间的任何活动都要小心注意”
"and be careful of everything you do."
在1623年 法律明确规定个人的住所就如同他的城♥堡♥一样神圣
In 1623, it was enshrined in law that a man's house is his castle,
尽管以往我们不得不为
but while the days of having to fortify our property like
自己领土设防的内战时代早已过去
we did in the civil war are long gone,
我们仍然要为领土的神圣不可侵犯设下一些规矩
we still need to protect its sanctity with certain rules.
第一条规矩是关于大英帝国的电冰箱的
Rule number one concerns the great British fridge.
你有没有经历过 某人擅自打开你的冰箱
There's something very, very strange about the person that
让你浑身都不爽的感觉
opens your fridge. Have you had that?
有没有顺路来看你的人 毫无顾忌地打开了你的冰箱
Have you had the person come round and just open your fridge?
你顿时就想 “你把我的冰箱当什么了 音乐电视台吗”
And it's like, "What do you think this is, MTV Cribs?"
我不会 你知道的 就是
I'm not gonna... You know, like...
“我就拿个饮料而已 那个 最近还好吗”
"Yeah, I'll just grab a drink. So, what's going on?"
你 不能 在我的冰箱里拿饮料
You can't take a drink from my fridge,
你得征求我的意见
you've got to ask me!
然后我会说 “请自便吧”
And then I will say the phrase, "Help yourself."
你再接道 “不 不 这怎么好意思啊” 然后我说 “没事的”
And you will then say, "No, no, I can't," and I'll go, "Sure,"
这样才是对的 因为你的行为是经过我的许可的
and by that point, we're fine because I know that you're legit and OK.
那些说 “那个 最近过得怎么样啊” 的人
The person who just... "Yeah, so what's been going on?"
哇哦
WHOA!
那是我的冰箱和我的饮料 请把它放回原位然后离开
That's my fridge, that's my juice. Put it back and leave.
再也不要让我见到你了 就这样 离开 断交 结束
Never see me again. That's it, gone. Cut out, finished.
第二条英国式好客的规矩是关于对
Rule number two of British hospitality
电视机主♥权♥的尊重
is about respecting the TV.
一次我妻子的一个朋友和她的男友过来住
One of my wife's friends and her fella had come over to stay
那个家伙 把所有早餐食材都吃掉了
and, like, he was eating all the breakfast stuff
这已经够让我烦心的了 他居然还把电视调到放板球的频道
and it really annoyed me, and he had the cricket on my telly,
我当时差点脱口而出 “首先 把手里的食物放下
and I felt like going, "One -- put that breakfast away.
第二 赶紧把那破玩意儿关掉
"Two -- get that crap off of my TV.
在我们家 早上是天空体育新闻台直播时间
"This is a Sky Sports News house in the mornings.
林赛应该早已经告诉过你了
"Lindsey should have told you this already.
我感觉 你知道的 一直以来”
"I feel, you know, there's been..."
- 但是你什么都没说吗 - 是 当时我就只能坐在那儿
- But you didn't say anything? - No, I just had to sit there
看着他吃完了我所有的培根以及其它东西
and watch him eat all my bacon and stuff like that,
然后看了某些像是初赛一样的东西 或者什么鬼的
and then watch some of the first test, or whatever it was.
- 听起来很棒 - 哦不 那是种折磨
- Sounds brilliant. - Oh, it was horrendous.
一定要记得当你被邀请到一个英国人家里时
But the most important rule to remember
最重要的规矩是 即时离开
if you've been granted entry to a British home, is to leave promptly.
那些呆坐太久而仍不主动提出离去的客人
House guests who outstay their welcome can put a British host
会让主人非常尴尬
in a very awkward situation.
我并不介意他人来留宿一晚
I don't mind someone coming over for one night.
但两晚就是得寸进尺了 三晚 想都别想
Two nights, you're pushing it. Three, you've got no chance.
其实就像是 他人入侵了你的房♥子
It's just... it's people in your house.
你知道的 我们到处跑 与他人打交道
You know, you go everywhere and you see people,
但是 房♥子就是我们的私人空间 我只想在里面安静的休息
where your house is your house, I just want to relax.
如果我想在房♥间里穿着内♥裤♥到处走
If I want to walk round my house in my underpants,
那我就会只穿个内♥裤♥到处走
I want to walk round in my underpants.
我不需要担心其他人会看到
I don't need the pressure of having people around to see that,
不会有与他人交谈 设法延续对话的烦恼
or worry about talking to people in my house, or keeping a conversation.
也不会遇到 当你想看某些节目时
Or sat there and you've got something on telly and you've got to
还要考虑他人想看什么的情况
consider what other people want to watch.
我想看 仓库淘宝大战 我就可以看
If I want to watch Storage Wars or something, I can watch that.
你怎么才能让客人离开呢
How do you get rid of people?
你总不能直接上去就说 “呃 你们能不能离开呢”
Because you can't just go, "Erm, actually, can you all leave now?"
我们可以客气地说 “很高兴你们能与我们
If it was acceptable to say, "We'd love to have you
共进晚餐 但现在已经10点半了
"round for dinner, but it's 10：30,
此时不管你用餐是否结束
"regardless of where we are in the meal,
你都该说 叨扰许久 我们该走了”
"you are going to say, 'Well, we should be heading off'."
看完世界杯总决赛后 我的同伴跟我待在一起
After the Cup Final, my mate was there,
他一直待到第二天八点左右
he was at my house until, like, eight o'clock the next day
好的 因为你宿醉未醒 可以接受
and it's like, fair enough you're hungover,
但第二天你又待在我家一整天
but you've been at my house all day!
那我就觉得你有点
Yeah, I think you're kind of...
在别人家过夜 第二天你一定要早起啊
You get up when you stay at someone's house.
开玩笑的说 滚远点
Pleasantries -- piss off.
是 开玩笑的说
Yeah, pleasantries --
让我们来回想一下昨晚的笑点
let's quickly recall some of the funnier moments from last night.
好 我们来边喝茶边看周末早午餐
Yeah, let's have a cup of tea, watch Sunday Brunch
再谈谈为什么我们不喜欢洛夫乔伊 然后都滚蛋吧
and talk about why we don't like Tim Lovejoy and then we can all leave.
如果客人没有意识到自己该离开了
If guests fail to observe the unspoken check out time of "as soon as possible",
英国人就又不得不使出浑身解数来给入侵者
the Brits are once again forced to use codes and hints
各种提醒和暗示让其主动离开 并避免不必要的尴尬
in a bid to dislodge invaders with the minimum of social awkwardness.
我一般会说 “你看 呃
I would probably say something like, "Listen, erm...