大英烦事多（2015）

你就不得不进行两个小时的友好交谈了
and you've got two hours of polite conversation.
我会走开 我有过这经历
I'll move. I've done it.
我曾经坐火车时见到过认识的人
I've seen people I know on the train,
我那时正在沿着车厢过道走
I've been walking down the carriage
然后我就转身朝反方向走了
and I'll turn back and go the other way.
我就是不想和别人说话
I just don't want to speak to people.
通常一个同样别扭的英国人
Usually a fellow uncomfortable Brit
会秒懂这种情况也会乐意配合
will immediately understand the situation and willingly co-operate.
我觉得你要是沉浸在自己的小世界里
I think that the acceptable thing to do,
不想和谁说话
if you don't want to speak to somebody,
把他们自个儿晾着 是完全可以接受的行为
is absolutely blank them as if you're in a complete world of your own.
比如说 明天早上
Say, tomorrow morning,
我坐伦敦地铁
I got onto the London Underground
我看到了你 你没有化妆
and I saw you and you didn't have your make-up on,
你也许看到我了 但就像是
you might look through me and just, kind of,
装作看不到的样子
pretend that you haven't seen me.
而我也会让我的视线穿过你
And I might just look through you --
然后两站后下车
and then I might just get off after two stops
等下一班地铁继续走
and then wait for the next Tube train to come along.
我觉得这是完全合理的
I think this is all perfectly reasonable.
在英国 坚实的友谊是由
In Britain, firm friendships have been forged out of
互相假装没见到对方会更好这一共识
the mutual understanding that not seeing each other
锻造出来的
is actually a bonus.
我很怪吗
Am I weird?
像是 如果被朋友放了鸽子
Like, is everyone happy
他们会开心吗
when their friends cancel?
我的朋友会说 “噢 天啊” 但是我就是爱这样
My friends have given me like, "Oh, my God," but I love it.
我爱
I love...
我最好的朋友就经常放别人鸽子
My best friends are the ones who cancel a lot.
这就像是完美的友谊
It's like the perfect friendship --
你永远见不着她
you never see them
但你心里会挂念他
but you try and see them.
这样太棒了
They're just brilliant.
# 沉如磐石 无声无息 #
Bones, sinking like stones...
尽管我们英国人在远离别人一事上炉火纯青
Skilled as we Brits are at avoiding people,
某种场合下 总会有一些对话
there are situations where a conversation
不管你愿不愿意
of some kind is going to HAVE to happen
都必然会发生
whether you want it to or not,
而这意味着英语语言中两个
and that means two of the most dreaded words
最让人倍感恐惧的字眼
in the English language.
当全世界都在享受
While the rest of the world delights
每天轻松闲聊所带来的愉悦感之时
in going about its daily business in effortless chitchat,
对于英国人而言 这却是个大难题
for the British, small talk is a big problem.
有时候你去参加一个晚宴
Sometimes you do go to a dinner party
然后你坐在两个陌生人中间
and you'll sit next to two strangers either side of you
那会令你倍感煎熬
and that can be hard work.
无聊致死
The boredom of it.
哦
Oh!
他们学识渊博
Just because they know everything about
了解所有在海底生长的那些东西
something that grows at the bottom of the sea
但这并不代表着坐在他们身边
does not mean they're good fun
能度过愉快的时光
to be sitting next to at dinner.
就像我们生理需要方面的保守一样
Like in openness about bodily functions,
寒暄的天赋并未栖身于我们的不列颠基因中
the gift of small talk is simply not part of our British DNA.
你们这些家伙可真不会寒暄
You guys don't do small talk,
人们会说“噢 英国佬因为他们的寒暄而闻名世界”
People are like "Oh, the British are always known for their small talk."
如果你想见识一下寒暄 我可以展示爱尔兰人是怎么寒暄的
If you want to see small talk, I'll show you small talk in Ireland.
就像这样 “今天天气怎么样啊 不错吧”
That would be "What's the weather like today? Was it lovely?
“天气干吗 是有点干 还是 呃 不是特别干 还是有些不干不湿”
"Was it dry or was it, sort of, not too dry? Sort of medium dry?
“是的 所以并不是非常干 只是 有一点干”
"Yeah, so not exactly totally dry just, sort of, like a calm dryness.
“那很不错 你记得五年前的那个夏天吗”
"That is lovely. Do you remember the summer we got five years ago
“那时是不是几乎跟现在差不多干燥”
"which was about almost the same level of dryness?
“那很不错 那真是不错”
"That was lovely. That was really good.
“是的 不过听着 我是为我的子♥宫♥涂片检查而来”
"Yeah, but listen, I'm here about my smear test."
尽管这不符合英国的潮流
Yet despite it being so un-British,
但是在某些行业 寒暄对于他们而言
to some professions, it would seem small talk
就好比工作的一部分
is actually part of the job description.
有些时候我只是不想要交谈
Sometimes I just don't want to talk,
我只是不想交谈
I just don't want to talk.
而其中一种情况就是坐出租车的时候
And one of those situations is getting in a taxi.
不 我当然不想和出租车司机交谈
No! Course I don't like chatting to cabbies.
他们不懂某种 规矩
They don't know the, sort of, rules.
你应该把谈话控制得简短 悦耳
You have to keep it short and sweet
你知道的 不要太激烈
and you know... not ranting.
有些人会像这样“新人耶 太棒了”
Some people feel like, "A new person, BRILLIANT!
“我要把我人生中所受过的挫折通通告诉他们”
"I'll tell them everything that's ever gone wrong in my life."
有时候你会遇见一些司机像这样
Sometimes you get those drivers that are like,
“好吧 你想去干嘛呢”
"OK, so what do you do then?"
你回答了他们 然后 闭上眼睛
and you tell them and you, sort of, close your eyes --
结果他们又会问你另外一个问题
and then they ask you another question and...
“所以 你是从哪来的啊” “啊 我从东伦敦过来”
"So, where you from?" "Ah, I'm from East London."
“啊 你支持西汉姆联队吗”
"Ah! You support West Ham, do you?'
我会说 “呃 不 不”
I'm like, "Erm... no, no."
“你为什么不支持西汉姆联队”
"Why don't you support West Ham?"
然后一整个旅程你就都得说话了
And suddenly you're talking throughout the whole journey,
无论你多少次像这样做
and no matter how many times you're like...
然后你开始流露出困意
And you start getting the sleep out of your eye and...
你懂的 这人就是领会不到你的意思
You know, the guy just doesn't get it.
他一直讲一直讲
He just keeps talking and talking and,
到下车的时候
by the end of the journey,
我就会了解到了他的家庭 他的孩子的情况
I know about his family, his kids
还有他今年度过的假期
and what holidays he's had this year,
最后我们还加了彼此的推特 这简直疯狂
and then we add each other on Twitter. It's crazy.
他们尝试告诉我板球是多么的糟糕
They want to tell me how bad cricket is.
“哦 我真是不懂板球啊 哥们”
"Oh, I can't get with that cricket, mate.
“它太糟糕了 它很无趣 你要为它浪费五天时间”
"It's terrible, it's boring. You waste five days."
那你为什么要跟我说这些 我只想做个安静的美男子
So, why are you telling me this? I just want to sit here.
多数情况下我都不想跟人交谈
I don't like talking to people at the best of times.
我们英国人最不想做的事
The last thing we Brits ever want to appear
就是刻意地表现不礼貌 所以
is deliberately rude, so,
当在招出租的时候 提前准备一些避免
when hailing a cab, it's wise to prepare
寒暄的策略是明智的行为
a few small talk avoidance tactics in advance.
我有个诀窍
I have this trick --
只有你跟别人一块出行的时候才有用
it only works if you're travelling with somebody else.
要怎么做呢 这有个时间限制的 对吧
But what you do, there's a time limit, right?
所以你和你的同伴
So, you get in the taxi...
坐上出租车
with your companion.
你必须立马开始和你的同伴聊天
You have to start talking straight away to them.
如果你遗留下一点点空歇
If you leave a soupcon of a gap,
出租车司机就会开始聊天
the taxi driver will start the conversation.
一旦他开始聊了
Once he's started that conversation,
你整个行程都消停不了
you're in for the whole journey.
有时候我会装作我睡着了
Sometimes I pretend I'm asleep.
基本上 如果我上了出租车并且感觉很疲惫的时候
Basically, if I'm getting a cab and I'm knackered,
有时候我会戴上一副大耳机 一路上都戴着它们
sometimes I've got a big pair of headphones and I just stick them on.
这很明显表现出我在听音乐或者说我准备睡觉了
Then it's obvious that I'm listening to music or going to sleep.
如果已经很晚了 你是不想聊天的 不是吗
If it's late at night -- you don't want to chat, do you?
# 惴惴不安地行走于伦敦街上 #
Panic on the streets of London...
在出租车上回避寒暄是可行的
It's all very well dodging small talk in the back of a taxi,
然而有时候拙劣的寒暄技巧会造成某些后果
but sometimes a poor small talk performance has consequences.
当你受到一个挥舞着剪刀 将要决定你未来四至六周造型的陌生人
When you're trapped in a chair by a scissor-wielding stranger
的指使 必须老老实实地待在椅子上时
who'll determine how you'll look for the next four to six weeks,
寒暄的压力就来了
the pressure is on.
# 在利兹的小巷 你跌了一跤 #
The Leeds side streets that you slip down...
理发 是最麻烦的事情之一
Haircuts. It's one of the worst...
我情愿光顾牙医也不想去理发
I'd sooner go to the dentist than the barbers.
至少你不需要跟牙医寒暄
At least you can't speak to a dentist.
“现在理发也变成了一门艺术
'Hairdressing today is another art,
受到男男女♥女♥的重视
'appreciated by men as well as by the fair sex.
事实上 没什么能难倒像西里尔这样的发型师
'In fact, nothing surprises a hair stylist like Cyril.