大英烦事多（2015）

作家乔治•米克斯说过 一个英国人
The writer George Mikes said that a British man,
“即使只有他一个人 也会有序地排着队”
"even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one".
排队突出了英国人最好的品质
The queue shows off the very best British qualities --
我们对秩序的渴望 我们循规蹈矩的观念 以及我们无私的耐心
our desire for order, our sense of protocol and our selfless patience --
这就是为什么 当有人不好好排队时 问题就来了
which is why, when the queue is not respected, the problems start.
比如 有人曾经插队到我前面
Like, I've had people jump queues in front of me
然后服务员明知道他们是插队的
and then the person who's serving them
却还是为他们服务
serves them, knowing that they've seen me standing there...
这会让我很生气的
That gets me mad!
通常如果有人想插队 通常
If someone's trying to jump in the queue, normally, the first thing that
首先会发生的就是 队伍里的人 就是那些有序排着队的人
happens, the people that are in the queue, queuing properly,
会用眼神交流 就像是在说 “大家意识到有人插队了吗”
have a bit of eye contact, sort of go, "Are we aware this is happening?"
他们总是寻求他人的支持 你懂的 就像是
They always look for support from someone else, you know, the kind of...
你会这样表现
You just give the look of like...
或者你会开始这样叹气
or you just start huffing like...
当我们可信而且可行的
When our tried and trusted code system of sounds
通过手势和声音来暗示的方法不起作用时
and gestures doesn't work,
唯一的备选方案就是直面插队的人
the only alternative is actually confronting the queue jumper,
正面交锋不是英国人的强项
and confrontation is not a British strong point.
我在纽约演出时 我们在一个游人如织的商店里
I was doing a play in New York, and we were in a very touristy shop
想买♥♥一个小小的纪念品
trying to buy a very touristy little, sort of,
小装饰品之类的东西 我想 送给我的侄子或者侄女们之一
trinket thing for, I think,one of our nieces or nephews,
当时排的队伍特别长
and it was a very long queue, and someone
所以有人插队时我就忍♥不住了
butted in and I couldn't...
我妻子是这样的 “你怎么了”
My wife was like, "What happened to you?"
你突然从“我们度过了一个多么美妙的假期”的画风
You suddenly went from how we were having a lovely holiday
变成怒火风暴里的迈克尔•道格拉斯
and you just became Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
- 排队礼仪应该谨记这些 - 排队礼仪
- Here is a lesson in queue etiquette. - Queue etiquette!
是的 我是下一个 你看到我是下一个 我已经站在这16分钟了
Yes, I was next, you saw I was next. I've been standing here for
吧啦吧啦 他原来站在我后面
the past 16 minutes and blah, blah,blah, he was standing behind me,
那个人从后面插队 吧啦吧啦 然后你为他服务了
that one came first, blah, blah,blah, then you served that person.
- 我是说 我是隐形的吗 - 我有那么矮吗
- I mean, am I invisible? - Am I that short?
- 我矮到你都看不见我了吗 - 但是 这只是浪费时间而已
- Am I that short that you didn't see me? - But then, it's a waste of time.
你看到我了 却选择 选择 不为我服务
You saw me, but you chose --you chose -- not to serve me.
# 我预测会有暴♥动♥ #
I predict a riot I predict...
排队是英国社会的支柱
Queues are the backbone of British society.
最坏的一种情形是
In a worst-case scenario,
排队系统崩溃 没有人排队
when the system breaks down and there is no queue...
好吧 根本不敢想象 简直就像《苍蝇王》里描写的一样
well, it hardly bears thinking about!It's like Lord Of The Flies.
去年有过一个黑色星期五 没有人排队
We had Black Friday last year, there was no queue.
人们蜂拥而至
People came through that place like a stampede.
为了等离子电视抢得头破血流
People got killed over a plasma TV.
看吧 排队能拯救我们这个国家
See, queues could save our country.
但是排队不能解决所有问题
But the issues don't end with the queue.
一旦你排在队伍前面
Once you've got to the front of it,
又会有一系列新的糟心事要处理
there's a whole new set of British problems to deal with.
如果你是在超♥市♥收银台
If you're at the checkout in a supermarket, that can be
这个流程的耗时会相当长 有好几分钟之久
quite a lengthy process, we're talking about a few minutes here,
所有你可能需要聊聊天
so you probably do need to get into conversation.
但当他们开始问我私人问题时
What I don't really like is
我就不怎么乐意了
when they start asking you questions about yourself.
“那么 你今天打算干什么呢”
"So, what are you up to today?"
我通常会这样“对不起”
I, literally, have sometimes gone, "Sorry?"
但我其实想说 “关你毛线事啊”
I want to go, "It's none of your business.
但“和你无关”这句话很糟糕 不是吗
"It's none of your business,"which is awful, isn't it,
因为他们仅仅想表现得友好
because they're only being friendly.
当你成为所有人关注的焦点 就会出现表现焦虑的情况
When all eyes are on you,performance anxiety can kick in.
会有一些压力 比如
There's just this pressure of, like, packing properly
快速妥善打包带来的压力
and packing quickly,
那种事我很不擅长 你懂的
and I can't do any of those things, you know,
因此 你懂的 我无法处理这种压力
and so, you know, I just can't handle the pressure.
你能看到人们看着你 评价你
You can see people looking at you, judging you.
“为什么他把水果和冷冻食品放一起” 诸如此类的事
"Why's he putting the fruit with the frozen?" And stuff like that,
因为 你知道的 你开始恐慌 因为你发现大家都在看着你
because, you know, you start panicking, because you see everybody
比如 在你之前的六个人已经顺利独自完成了这一事情
looking at you. Like, six other people before you have done it
他们可能购买♥♥的数量比你的翻了一倍
on their own and they've probably got double the amount of shopping.
当然 付钱过程也很复杂
And, of course, the payment process can be complicated.
复杂在于
There's that thing where
当你刷完借记卡后
you've got to put your code in,
你得输入密♥码♥
when you put your debit card in,
虽然人们并不在乎这个
and people don't really bother,
但他们所受的教育告诉他们 看别人输密♥码♥是不礼貌的
but they were told at one point to not look, so an elaborate
所以人们采取一种煞费苦心的方式“我过去那边一会儿 有些事要做”
kind of, "I'm just gonna go over here and do something for a moment.
“你好了吗 是的 谢谢 现在我可以回到我的位置上了”
"Have you done that? Yes, thank you.I can return now to my duties."
当然 对英国人来说 超♥市♥里的尴尬之处不仅限于收银台
Of course, for Brits, the awkwardness of the supermarket isn't limited to the checkout.
整个购物过程都危险重重
The whole experience is fraught with hazards.
比如在超♥市♥里他们想说服你尝试商品小样
You know, when they want to drag you into a demo in the supermarket,
或是填写顾客调查问卷的时候
the customer questionnaires.
他们竟然会问我的收入
They were asking me about me income!
我太尴尬 以至于没办法在特定的点上停止话题
I was too awkward to stop it at a certain point and I ended up
结果就是我给了他们很多连我妻子都不知道的信息
giving them more information about me than me wife knows.
在超♥市♥和购物中心停车场
In supermarket and shopping centre car parks, all the rules
一切规则都荡然无存
go out the window,
因此人们忘记了怎样开车 他们不知道怎么样倒车
so people forget how to drive,they don't know how to reverse,
人们忘记怎么走路
people forget how to walk.
多少次我在超♥市♥停车间倒车
The amount of times I've been clearly reversing
有人就走在车后面
out of a supermarket bay and someone just walks behind you,
就像 你肯定不会在大马路上这样
it's just, like, you would not do that on a main road.
你也不太可能会在大马路上倒车
Very unlikely you'd be reversing on a main road.
好吧 你知道我想表达什么
Well, you know what I'm getting at.
但我对他们感到特别恼火 他们总是学不乖
But I get so annoyed at people, people forget.
逛超♥市♥对英国人来说是个糟心事这不足为奇
It's not surprising that supermarkets are a problem for Brits.
因为超♥市♥是密闭的空间 而我们需要在这个空间里
They're confined spaces where we're competing with strangers
与陌生人竞争 尽可能又快又轻松地完成手头的事情
to get our business done as quickly and painlessly as possible.
酒吧之旅 尽管表面上让人感觉会更有趣
A trip to the pub, though ostensibly more fun,
其实存在很多相同的陷阱
offers many of the same pitfalls,
和一个完全不同的排队机制来行事
as well as a completely different queuing system to navigate.
我们在排队时被严格约束
We are very regimented in our queuing
我觉得在酒吧里我们会本能地感到紧张
and I think we get instinctively nervous in pubs,
因为你面对的不是一列人 而是一团乱麻
because it's not a line of people, it's a mass.
是混乱的人群
It's a melee.
自从1872年第一次营业时间的调整以来
Since opening hours were first regulated in 1872, getting served
获得服务在英国呈现出一种紧迫性 我们也不得不变得老练起来
has taken on an urgency in Britain and we've had to become experts.
在欧洲大♥陆♥ 酒徒们闲暇时可以在酒吧里消磨一整晚
On the Continent, drinkers can while the night away at their leisure.
在这里 有90%的英国酒吧坚持
Over here, with 90% of British pubs still insisting on last orders
只营业到晚上11点 这让英国人再一次处于压力下
at 11, once again the Brits are under pressure.
每个人都在找机会挤进酒吧里
Everybody's looking for that opportunity to move in,
只是 你懂的 买♥♥点东西
just, you know, get a bit of purchase there
然后把其他人挤出去
and edge the other person out.
有些人在这方面要比其他人更拿手 你懂的
And some people are better at it than others, you know.
就是 紧张地潜伏在正在拿酒水的人后面
It's that, sort of, lurking nervously behind someone that's getting their drink.
看他们准备往哪里拐 左边或是右边
Which way are they going to turn, left or right?
先把肩膀挪进去 然后整个人挤进去
Get your shoulder in and get in there.
我努力侧身挤过人群 拿着酒水出来的人也同样如此
I try to edge, so the person who's coming out with the drinks,
我小心翼翼地侧身走
I deliberately edge...
我利用侧身走的动作让自己挤进去
I use that move to physically move myself in.
是的 所以 我侧向左边 然后 他们就得转到右边
Yeah, so, I edge to the left, so then, they've got to spin round
所以在我右边的人
to the right, so the person who's to the right of me
就没办法挤过去 因为他们不想撞翻他们的酒水
can't then barge past them, because they don't want to knock their drinks,
于是我兜到后头 就径直地插♥进♥去啦
and then I'm slipping round the back and I'm -- boom -- straight in.
这可能会让人觉得很自私
It might feel like it's every man for himself,
但抱着这样的心态只会让事情变得更糟
but taking that attitude only makes matters worse.
如果有人已经等了很久
Woe betide you if someone's been waiting a long time
而你插了进去 点了杯喝的
and you just swan in and order a drink.
你会遭人鄙夷
You will get a look.
甚至可能被唾弃
Possibly even a tut.
我记得有次在酒吧 有人说
I remember once being at a bar, someone saying,
“你要喝点什么吗” 这时有个女人尖声喊到 “我比他先来的!”
"Can I get you a drink?" And a woman screaming, "I was here before him!"
她当时在吧台周围晃来晃去
And she marched round the bar...
我当时的感受是 “不
and I just went, "No...