大英烦事多（2015）

你向前倾 你知道我的意思
You lean in, you know what I mean,
想要亲吻 就完全 就像那样
and go for the kiss and there's that absolute... You know, that sort of
“怎么 你怎么会认为”
"How? How could you think"
“有机会和我在一起呢”
"that you stood a chance with me?"
就好像这样 “好吧 因为咱们每天都聊天啊”
And it's like, "Well, because we chat every day and we talk,"
于是他们会说
and they go,
“是啊 聊的是库存啊”
"Yeah, about stock.
“关于库存位置” 你明白我的意思吗
"About stock location." Do you know what I mean?
在你休息的时候 “何时”
And when you're taking your break, "At what point..."
“你从什么时候开始这么解读我的意思”
"When did you ever interpret that."
“在我 你懂的”
"as me, you know,"
“透过你不甚好看的外貌”
"seeing beyond"
“看到你的内在的时候”
"this off-putting exterior?"
欧洲人很少和同事一起庆祝圣诞节
Europeans rarely celebrate Christmas with their colleagues.
他们顶多一起吃个饭
They'll go for a meal at most,
并且他们对英国人参加的酒神节狂欢
and they're baffled by the Bacchanalian extremes
感到非常困惑
the British go to.
圣诞节宿醉的恢复时间
Christmas hangover recovery time
每年给英国企业带来的损失大大超过100百万英镑
costs British companies well over £100 million a year.
停止工作 把地方搞得一团糟 但还是有很有意思的事情
Work dos, we trashed places. We had some humdingers.
你知道我的意思吗 我照过一张 我被穿得像纳粹一样的女人
You know what I mean? I have a picture of me being spanked
打屁♥股♥的照片
by a woman dressed as a Nazi.
那是一个与众不同的时代 不是吗
It was a different age, wasn't it?
穿得像希♥特♥勒♥一样出门也是可以接受的
When it was acceptable to go out dressed as Hitler.
英国职场是一个充满糟心事的雷区
So the British workplace is a minefield of problems.
在圣诞晚会上做希拉毁掉我们的职业生涯之前
We spend our working hours drinking tea and hating our colleagues,
我们将工作时间用于喝茶和憎恨同事
before ruining our career by doing a Sheila at the Christmas party,
同时工作得甚至比德国人还要久
all while working longer hours than even the Germans.
我已经工作了将近四十五分钟
I've been at this now for nearly three-quarters of an hour.
必须喝点茶休息会了
Must be time for a tea break.
在休息之前 我们着眼考虑的那么多问题
Before the break, we were looking at the many problems
都是英国人在工作场所要面对的
the British face in the workplace.
很明显我们都需要一个假期或者至少一天的休息日
Clearly we all need a holiday or at least a day off,
但是外出找乐子的后果
but of course the consequence of leaving the house for pleasure
当然会是一系列新的糟心事
is a whole new set of VBPs.
首要的麻烦是要解决着装的问题
The first of which is working out how to dress ourselves suitably.
尤其糟糕的是 当你不清楚外面温度如何的时候
What's a nightmare is when you can't tell what it's going to be like
通常早上我会打开前门
outside, and often in the morning I will open the front door
在门外站十秒钟
and just stand there outside for ten seconds
这样我才不会穿过于温暖的衣服
just so I don't go out dressing for weather
甚至穿得比天气还要暖个20度
20 degrees warmer than it actually is.
你知道 如果你生活在阿♥拉♥斯加州 天气冷而且多雪
You know, if you live in Alaska, it's cold and it's snowy,
你多穿点就是了
you just dress for it.
但在这里 你会彻底迷茫
Here, it's mucking with your head.
大不列颠群岛上的很多事情都是适度的
In the British Isles, where most things are done in moderation,
太阳不时会适度地闪耀着
the sun does shine moderately from time to time.
但天气预报是人们最感兴趣的
But weather forecasting has become an absorbing interest.
人们总是渴望知道什么东西即将落到他们头上
People have always had a yearning to know what's about to fall on them --
是雨滴 雪花还是阳光 他们到底应该冒险出门还是宅在家里
rain, snow or sunshine. Should they venture out or stay at home?
当我们和我家人或者我妻子在一起时
Going out -- once again, we're back to my family or my wife,
我们即将外出 我妻子会说 “天气冷吗” 我会回答
we're leaving the house and my wife will say, "Is it cold?" and I'll say,
“好吧 跟你一样 我还没出去 所以我不知道”
"Well, like you, I haven't been out yet, so I don't know."
“噢 好吧 你觉得我需要穿这个吗”
"Oh, OK, do you think I'll need this?"
“再说一次 我还没出去过”
"Once again, I haven't been outside yet,"
“我并不比你知道得多”
"I've got no more information than you."
“如果你想的话我可以看新闻 我也可以把手伸出窗外”
"I can look on the news if you want. I'll put my hand out the window."
“你想要去花♥园♥里吗 我要去花♥园♥里”
"Do you want to go in the garden? I'll go in the garden."
“不 不 我只是想知道外面冷不冷”
"No, no, I just want to know if it's cold out."
“我没法告诉你外面冷不冷 因为我还不知道”
"I cannot tell you if it's cold because I don't know yet.
“让我去花♥园♥感受下 马上回来” 我走进花♥园♥
"Let me go in the garden, I'll come back." I go in the garden.
我回到家里 “是的 天气有点冷” “有多冷”
I come back. "Yeah, it's a little bit cold." "How cold?
“我需要穿上这件羊毛衫吗”
"Shall I wear this cardigan?"
“我不知道 我不知道穿这件羊毛衫会让你多暖和”
"I don't know! I don't know how warm that makes you."
“天气冷 就像四月中旬那样的冷”
"It's cold, it's like a kind of mid-April cold."
“会下雨吗” “我不知道会不会下雨”
"Is it going to rain?" "I don't know if it's going to rain."
“让我看下手♥机♥ 有可能会下雨”
"Let me look on my phone. There's a chance it's going to rain."
“有可能”是最糟糕的事情
That's the worst if there's a chance.
如果某事有发生的可能 那你怎么才能为可能性做准备呢
If there's a chance of something, how do you prepare for a chance?
这太具有挑战性了
It's challenging,
所有闻过潮湿的帆布鞋的人都会这样告诉你
as anyone who's ever smelt a wet espadrille will tell you.
在2009年 英国气象局甚至不得不撤回他们的季度预报
In 2009, the Met Office even had to withdraw its seasonal forecast
因为英国的天气太变化莫测了
because the British weather is just too unpredictable.
对此唯一能做的事情就是做好准备
The only thing for it is to be prepared for whatever
迎接你踏出家门之后可能发生的一切情况
might hit you once you set foot out of the front door.
你必须为了
You have to be prepared
每一个天气状况出现的可能性做好准备
for every single weather eventuality that might happen.
他们带着一件便携雨衣以应对阵雨 一件羊绒衣
They have a pac-a-mac for rain showers, a fleece,
结实的步行靴以应对雨天 带拉链的短裤以便在需要时当长裤穿
stout walking boots for rain, shorts that zip off to make full trousers.
在英国的夏天 你不能只穿着短裤和T恤衫就外出
In the summer in Britain, you can't just go out in shorts and T-shirt,
那太冒险了 你必须得 比如 在包里放一件套头外衣
it's too risky. You've got to, like, put a jumper in the bag,
还有雨衣 以防老天下毛毛雨
raincoat, just in case it rains but just thin.
是的 伞 一件橡皮布防水衣 T恤衫 短裤
Yeah, brolly, a mackintosh, T-shirt, shorts,
人字拖和登山鞋 都是你出门要携带的
flip-flops and hiking boots, that's what you gotta leave with,
这还只是为了度过一天
just to get through one day.
记得一次我正沿街走着
I remember walking down the street
有个人向我走来
and there was a guy walking towards me --
他穿着一件背心 短裤 和人字拖
he had a vest on, shorts, and some flip-flops.
他手里拿着一些牛仔裤和卫衣
In his hand he was carrying some jeans and a hoodie
以及一个装有林地靴的包
and he had a bag with Timberland boots in it.
我觉得很好奇 就这样 “兄弟 你拿着那些干什么”
And I was intrigued, I was like, "Dude, why have you got that for?"
他抬头看天说 “天气接下来会怎样可不好说 伙计”
and he's looked up and went, "You don't want to trust this, man,"
然后他就继续前行了
and just carried on walking.
但是所有的准备 在太阳出来的一瞬间
But any preparation goes straight out of the window
就完全失去了作用
at the first sign of sun.
我们漫长的冬天以及对随时可能下雨的恐惧
Our long winters and the fear that it could start raining again
意味着晴天能让英国人无比兴奋
at any minute means the British get very overexcited by a sunny day.
英国人有一点 就是只要出来一点点阳光 他们就高兴得疯掉了
The thing about England is when a bit of sun comes out, people go mad.
他们不♥穿♥上衣 只穿着牛仔裤四处晃悠
They're walking about with jeans on, no top on,
而且是11度的天 下着毛毛雨
and it's 11 degrees and drizzly.
我爱死那些人了
I love those people
在初春 四五月份的样子
when it's the first... in spring, when it's, like, April, May.
第一个大热天的时候
It's the first hot day
每个人都叫喊着 “啤酒园! 啤酒园!”
and everyone will be like, "Beer garden! Beer garden!"
然后 太阳下山 温度降到五度
And then the sun goes down and the temperature drops to about five,
这帮啤酒园里的人就穿着人字拖端着啤酒在那儿哆嗦
they're in the beer garden in, like, flip-flops, shivering over a pint.
“我以为会更暖和点的”
"I thought it'd be warmer!"
对英国男士来说
There's some difficulty in deciding what constitutes appropriate
决定哪种夏装较为合适尤其困难
summer clothing for British men in particular.
他们曾经把裤腿卷起来
They used to roll up their trousers,
弄个纸遮阳帽就大功告成
fashion themselves an origami sunhat and be done with it,
但现在可不行了
but not any more.
英国人真是不舍得脱下夏装
British people are really bad at pulling off a summer outfit.
在三月份太阳刚刚在云层后面露个小脸的时候
As soon as the sun even peeks behind a cloud in March,
我就看见男人穿着短裤露着毛腿走在大街上 难以置信
I see men in shorts and hairy legs going down the street, unbelievable.
英国男人 大热天 短裤
British men, hot weather, and shorts...
这三个词搭在一块儿就让人不爽
.. is a deeply unpleasant combination.
英国男人从来不能把短裤穿得很潮
British men cannot do shorts in any sort of stylish way.
我们连鞋都穿不帅 我们的腿松松垮垮的
We can't handle the footwear required, we've got pasty legs,
而且毛发很浓密 所以真的是 应该有法律来管管的
hairy, it's just a really... there should be a law against it.
当然了 如果你是在英国旅游度假的话 那么 根据天气
Of course, dressing appropriately for the British weather is
决定合适的穿着就是你最最需要注意的事情了
for the upmost importance if you're actually holidaying in Britain.
作为一个建立了大英帝国然后又失去了它的小岛民族
As an island race who built, then lost an empire, for centuries
几百年来英国人只会出去征服其他国家或者被其他国家打败
the British would only go abroad to conquer somewhere or get shot at.
所以 由于历史的教训 不管有多少反例 我们都告诉自己在家好好玩乐就可以了
So, historically, we've convinced ourselves that there was plenty
完全不用管外面的花花世界
to enjoy at home, whatever the evidence to the contrary.
对我而言 童年假期就是巴特林
Childhood holidays for me were Butlins
还有庞廷这些个除了夏令营之外
and Pontins in the kind of places that the only thing
什么都没有的地方
they had going for them was that holiday camp.
整整七天都一直下着雨 直到停车场也
It would rain for the entire seven days until the car park would just
充满了黑乎乎的脏水 然后我们就买♥♥网 套在棍子的一端
fill up with water, murky water, and then we'd go and buy nets on