大英烦事多（2015）

在外出时会让我们出差错的糟心事
that trip us up when we leave the house.
英国人出门的主要原因是他们要去上班
The main reason Brits do this is to go to work.
而且英国人的工作场所简直就是糟心事雷区
And the British workplace is a VBP minefield.
我曾在花卉市场上班
I worked at a flower market.
也曾做过板球场的管事
I worked as a steward at a cricket ground.
我曾做过一段时间的办公室经理
I was an office manager for a while.
在迪克森零售干过几年
Worked in Dixons for years.
我在阿哥斯当过售后服务
I worked at Argos on customer returns.
我在道路安全委员会上过班
In the council road safety.
88%的英国人说他们在工作的时候很开心
88% of Brits say they are happy enough in their jobs.
既没有德国新教♥徒♥狂热的职业道德观
With neither the zealous Protestant work ethic of the Germans,
也没有西班牙人午睡的习惯
nor the siesta-taking habits of the Spanish,
这是一种英国人特有的态度
this is a very British attitude.
但是这和工作本身是不相干的
But the job itself is irrelevant.
主要的问题是你必须跟一群你并不想与他们多待
The main problem is that you have to do it amongst a group of people
的同事一起工作
you wouldn't choose to spend your day with.
我准备好了要和一些人共事很多 很多年
I'm quite prepared to work with people for years, years,
却对他们一无所知
and not even know anything about them.
不知道他们的中间名
Not know their second names.
不知道他们何时下班
When they leave the office,
他们消失在一片烟雾里也与我无关
they could just disappear in a cloud of smoke for all I care.
你知道的 我们不是来这里交朋友的 而且也没有人能强迫我
You know, we're not there to make friends and nobody can force me.
人们总在办公室谈天说地
People talk a lot in offices.
他们喜欢办公室里互相了解对方的事情
People like to know each other's businesses in offices.
他们在办公室里分享的太多了
People over-share in offices.
我记得有一次旁边坐了个女人 她和所有人分享
I remember sitting next to a woman who told everyone
关于她乳♥房♥♥下垂的各种细节
about her prolapse in great detail.
她只能将它们从后往前拨
She just scooped it back up.
法国人在办公场所一直很正式
The French keep their workplaces formal,
但是 基于想让工作氛围良好的错误观念
but, in a misguided bid to help us all get along,
一些英国雇主已经采取美国人的建议
some British employers have taken on the American suggestion
设立了工作旅行
of having a work awayday.
工作旅行对于很多英国人来说
Work awayday is probably one of the most painful things
可能是最痛苦的事情之一了
for so many British people.
就像是在阿伯里斯特威斯
It's like four days in Aberystwyth
爬四天的山
mountain climbing
还是和那些即使死在山上我也毫不在意的人一起爬山
with people who I wouldn't mind if they died on this mountain.
我还记得被带到一个陌生的地方
I remember being taken off to the middle of nowhere,
在那里我们围坐成一个圈
where we'd all sit in a circle
并试着相互提出对方的不足之处
and try to bring up issues in the office we have with each other.
你知道的 那简直就像是 互相插刀
You know, that's a recipe for, you know, probably, a stabbing.
我们为什么要这样做
Why are we doing this?
我认为这不符合英国人的习惯
You know, I think it's not British.
这是反英国思维的
It's anti-British.
先不提团队建设
Team building aside,
可能在工作场合交朋友或疏远别人最快捷的方法
perhaps the quickest way to make friends or alienate people
都与大部分英国人喝茶的习惯有关
in the workplace, concerns that most British of all drinks.
我们中70%的人昨天喝了茶
70% of us had a cup of tea yesterday
而且我们喝的茶都有自己与别人不同的泡法
and we all wanted it made slightly differently.
不管这样会让事情变得有多么复杂
Despite how complicated this makes things,
在英国的职场上 只为自己倒茶
in the British workplace, making a cup of tea just for yourself
几乎是可以拿来作为解雇理由的过错了
is virtually a sackable offence.
在办公室里人们做的最糟糕的事情之一
One of the worst things that people do in offices
是不给予彼此为他们自己倒茶的权利
is not give each other the right to make a cup of tea for themselves.
你可以锁上他们的车
You could key their car, you know?
可以侮辱他们的母亲 这些他们可能都不在乎
You could insult their mother and they'd probably let it go.
但若他们认为你不想加入
But the idea that you're not joining in,
这场下午三点的闪电战
in this kind of Blitz spirit of 3pm
给每个人都倒一杯香甜的茶 那就很糟糕了
and making everybody a lovely cup of tea...
如果你走进厨房♥的时候 表现得自己很忙很生气
If you walk into the kitchen looking like you're really busy and angry,
似乎你忘记了给别人倒茶这件事
then it looks like you've forgotten,
但其实你没忘 而且你也不是心情不好
but you haven't and you're not in a bad mood --
你只是不想给每个人都倒茶而已
you just don't want to make everyone tea.
英国人每天要喝掉1.65亿杯茶
Brits drink 165 million cups of tea every day
面对如此数量的泡茶工作 你需要一个系统
and, with this amount of tea to make, you need a system.
工作场所的茶与咖啡俱乐部 以一种非常英式的方法
Office tea and coffee clubs are a very British way
让愉快的插曲变成了一个麻烦
of making a pleasant interlude into a problem.
在办公室工作中我最讨厌的
What I hated most about working in an office
就是去茶与咖啡俱乐部了 因为我不喝茶或咖啡
is being in the tea and coffee club, because I don't drink tea or coffee
但我每个星期仍然得为之付出2英镑
but I still had to pay £2 a week to go in it.
我的名字在数据表里 所以 如果我不付钱
I was on the spreadsheet and, so, if I didn't pay it,
他们就会像法警一样追着我不放
I had them chasing me up like bailiffs.
通常 因为我只喝 诸如果汁或水
Normally, because I only drink, like, squash or water,
但我每周要付两英镑 我想 “好吧 我认了”
but I'm paying two quid a week... I thought, "Fine, I'll do it."
“我付钱 这样我就成了喝茶帮的一份子”
"I'll pay the money and I'm part of the gang."
“我不喝茶 但在他人看来 我是个很大度的人”
"I'm not drinking it but I'm going to be the bigger person."
然而这样我就会被派出去买♥♥14品脱的牛奶
But then I used to get sent out to go and buy 14 pints of milk,
茶和咖啡以及饼干 而且如果我买♥♥错了
tea and coffee and biscuits and then, if I got it wrong,
他们就会训我一通 但我根本不喝这些
they have a go at me, but I didn't even drink it,
却不得不去 这就像是一个小型的黑♥手♥党♥
but you've got to... It's like a little mafia.
这就像国际足球联盟里我曾经工作过的办公室一样
It's like FIFA, that office I worked in.
喜欢你的茶吗 好人们
Are you enjoying your tea, you good people?
喜欢 真是一杯好茶
Yes, it's a very nice cup of tea.
我也准备好饮用了
I was ready for it, too.
工业革命期间 雇主们取消了喝茶休息的时间
During the Industrial Revolution, bosses banned tea breaks
原因是他们认为喝茶休息会使工人变得懒惰
because they thought they made workers slothful.
也许他们是对的
They're probably right.
把一年中人们喝茶休息的时间加在一起
Add up some people's tea breaks over a year
就好像是一个额外的银行休假日
and it's like an extra bank holiday,
尽管需要一直盯着水壶里的水 等它沸腾
albeit one spent staring at a kettle waiting for it to boil.
但泡茶和咖啡 就像一项消磨时间的运动
Still made tea and coffee, just as a time-wasting exercise.
我去拿水壶 倒空它然后再装满
I'd go and get the kettle, empty it and then fill it
我能找到的最凉的水
with the coldest water I could find,
然后烧开
to the top, then boil it,
因为如果你用几乎全凉的水
because if you get almost, like, really cold water,
那么就会需要整整八分钟来烧开
that's a good eight-minute boil,
有时候我甚至半路把水全倒掉
and then sometimes I'd even pour it out again halfway through.
再倒满 再开始烧
Fill it up again, start again.
你可以尽可能地拖延泡茶的时间
You can really drag out the tea-making
无需去工作
and don't have to work.
我很早就搞清楚了 如果你能在一个办公室里倒茶
I worked out very early on that, if you can make tea in an office,
那么你就能渡过任何风险
you can get away with anything.
大体上来说 如果你准备好进入茶水间并找到16个马克杯
If you're prepared to basically go into that tea room and find 16 mugs
根据不同的要求泡上16杯不同的茶
and make 16 different cups of tea in all their different variations,
如果你记得柜台旁的那个人
if you're the person that remembers that him over there in accounts
喜欢那个马克杯 他们喜欢喝泡过两次的茶包
likes that mug and they like the teabag just dunked twice,
在这个国家里 这比拥有一个一流的荣誉学位
in this country, that works far more
更有用得多
than having a first-class honours degree.
你能逃避所有事情
You get away with anything.
就这样 在为那些做着你讨厌的工作 和你相处不够融洽的人们
So, after a year of making endless cups of tea
泡了一年的茶之后
for people you don't get on with in a job you hate,
一定有值得期待的事情吧
there must be something to look forward to.
没有 只有独特的英国地狱式工作圣诞晚会
Nope, just the peculiarly British hell of the work Christmas party
以及晚会的后续影响
and its consequences.
有时候 圣诞晚会之后 人名会成为一种行为的代称
Sometimes, after a Christmas party, a form of behaviour becomes a name.
所以人们会说 “我希望今年没人做希拉”
So people say, "I hope this year no-one does a Sheila,"
因为希拉去年做过某些事
because Sheila's done something last year.
没人需要解释任何别的东西
No-one needs to explain anything else.
每个人都知道做希拉是什么意思
Everyone knows what doing a Sheila is.
记得有一次 有一个年轻人来到办公室
I remember once seeing... There was a young person come up to the office
她喝了太多酒 而且我的老板很高
who'd partaken of too much booze, and I had a tall boss,
我记得看着她走下楼梯
and I remember watching her coming down the stairs
把老板当作一根杆子 还绕着老板跳钢管舞
and use my boss as a pole, and pole danced round my boss.
所有人都站在那里看着这个年轻的女孩围着老板旋转
Everyone stood there watching this young girl twirl around her boss,
从那以后 这就被称作“做希拉”
and, after that, it was called "doing a Sheila".
当你想要追求一个 跟你一起工作的同事
Going for the lunge with someone, on a work member...
没有什么比你的认知
There's no worse than when there's that thing of
和对方的想法
what's been building in your head
完全相反
is the complete opposite
更加糟糕的了
to the way they see you.