大英烦事多（2015）

不列颠 孕育了英国人的摇篮
Britain, the home of the British.
居住在这片土地上的六千万居民忙于
Its 60 million citizens busy themselves
享用点心和茶品 忙于从工作中脱离出来回到家中
doing things like having a snack or a cup of tea, getting home from work
盯着手♥机♥屏幕直到上♥床♥睡觉
and staring into their mobile phones until it's time for bed.
丰富的文化和令人骄傲的历史让英国人团结一心
The British are united by a rich culture and a proud history,
但是某些更强大 也更令人烦恼的力量进一步系牢了团结的纽带
but we're also united by much more powerful and problematic forces.
那就是 英国糟心事
Our Very British Problems.
# 畸形 错误 不适应 #
Mis-shapes, mistakes, misfits
# 我们吃着碎饼干长大 #
Raised on a diet of broken biscuits
# 噢 我们样貌不同 #
Oh, we don't look the same as you
# 我们所做的事也不尽相同 #
And we don't do the things you do
# 但我们与你共享同一片土地 #
But we live round here too...
如果你曾在排队时发出不耐烦的啧啧声
If you've ever tutted in a queue,
在暑假期间穿上风衣 只为以防万一
worn an anorak on your summer holiday -- just in case --
或者是对着无生命物体表达歉意
or apologised to an inanimate object,
那么你正经历着英国特有的糟心事
then you are suffering from Very British Problems,
而你并不孤单
and you are NOT alone.
我不知道我为什么要这么做 但我一直如此处事
I don't know why I do it,but I do it all the time.
# 只是越来越突出 真的 #
Just for standing out Now, really...
英式准则已深深扎根于这个民族的灵魂中
VBPs are deeply ingrained in the national psyche.
呃
Ugh!
- 从我们对严格的 不成文的行为准则的遵守 - 嗯
- From our adherence to strict unwritten rules of behaviour... - Grr!
到我们尴尬的社交活动
to our awkward social interactions...
“噢 对不起” “对不起”
"Oh, sorry!" "Sorry!"
我们十分害怕冒犯他人
we have a horror of offending,
还拥有无限制♥造♥尴尬的能力
and an infinite capacity for embarrassment.
我想 在我向侍者抱怨之前
I'd eat a plate of cold sick, I think,
我可能已经把一盘又冷又恶心的食物吃掉了
before complaining to a waiter.
但是我们为什么会这样呢
But why are we like this?
为什么我们总是坚持不懈地给自己找麻烦呢
Why do we insist on making things so difficult for ourselves?
私底下我们是否乐在其中呢
And do we secretly enjoy it?
我是岛屿民族 离我远点
I'm an island race -- leave me alone!
这个系列中 我们将会探寻这些从某种程度而言
In this series, we'll investigate the hidden codes and prompts
我们天生就认同和理解的隐秘行为准则
we all somehow inherently recognise and understand.
发出啧啧声表达不满是最具英国特色的行为之一
Tutting is one of the most British things.
我们将会探寻世人困惑的
We'll look for the logic behind the British behaviour
藏在英国人行为背后的逻辑
that the rest of the world finds baffling.
我从来没见过
I've never met a people who were better
比英国人说话更拐弯抹角的人
at not getting to the point than Brits.
如果你正苟且隐忍♥
And, if you're suffering in silence,
我们会让你以你现在的状况为荣
we'll help you be proud of your condition.
啊 做个英国人真难
Ah, it's tough being British.
这些也许都是麻烦 但它们却都是我们的麻烦
They might be problems,but they're OUR problems.
上一集中 我们讲述了发生在家附近的英国糟心事
Last time, we dealt with some basic VBPs which occur when close to home.
这一周 我们要走得更远
This week, we're going further afield.
英国人从迈出家门那一刻起
From the moment a Brit leaves the house,
立马就会被宅在家中能轻易避免的
we are immediately beset by awkward situations and tricky dilemmas
尴尬的情境和棘手的困境所包围
that could easily be avoided by staying at home.
这一集里 我们会着眼于和外界打交道时
In this episode, we'll consider the Very British Problems
大家都会遇到的英式糟心事
we all face when dealing with the outside world.
对于英国人来说
For the British,
礼貌得体是身处公开场合时的一种义务
being in public comes with an obligation to be polite.
一项国际调查表明
In an international survey,
礼貌是英国人最吸引人的品质
politeness was reported as the Brits' most attractive quality.
但是 对于英国人来说 表现得彬彬有礼可谓复杂
But, for the British, being polite is complicated.
哪怕只是为他人扶门 对他们而言也是困难重重
Simply holding a door open is fraught with difficulties.
扶门是个棘手活
The door one is a tricky one, holding a door open.
别人从容漫步的时候你站在那40秒不动
Is it too passive-aggressive to stand there for 40 seconds
是否太过消极被动呢
while they amble up?
在后面的人理应加速小跑起来
It behoves the person coming behind to break into a little jog.
如果他们看见你在扶着门
If they see you holding the door open
却还是继续原速前进
and they continue at the same speed --
那就很无礼
rude.
我会盯着他们 快点啊
I peg it towards them. Run.
而且我会愤怒 我不想一直扶住门
And I'm furious -- I didn't want the door held.
但是 你懂的 你能说什么 “我不想这样扶门 伙计”
But, you know, what can you say? "I don't want it, mate!
“那就关了啊 我自己开”
"Close it! I'll get my own door!"
扶门这个动作给扶门的人和进门的人都施加了压力
Holding a door puts pressure on both the holder and the holdee.
将这种复杂的平衡处理得恰到好处让英国人倍感压力
A complicated balance that Brits find incredibly stressful,
以至于不要门都会让他们轻松很多
to the point where it might be easier to get rid of them
直接在墙上开个洞就好了
and just have holes in walls.
扶电梯门就更复杂了
Holding the door in a lift is even more complex.
你必须同时考虑
You've got to consider the feelings
电梯里的人
of both the people already in the lift
和想进电梯的人的感受
and the people who want to get in.
这是英式礼仪中进退两难的处境
A catch-22 for British politeness.
我是说 这真的能让人感到恼火
I mean, it can get annoying.
你看到一些人要进来然后你按停电梯 他们进来了
You see someone coming and you stop a lift, and they come.
然后又有个人来了 噢 又按停电梯
Then someone else has come,"Oh, stop the lift again."
到了第三个人 你只是想 “噢 别管了”
A third person, you just think, "Oh, sod 'em."
我的意思是 坦白说
I mean, frankly...
那样的话你一整天都要待电梯里了
you'd be there all day.
英国的电梯数量
We have almost half the number of lifts in Britain
差不多只有西班牙或意大利电梯数量的一半
than they do in Spain or Italy,
表面上看是因为住在公♥寓♥里的人少了
ostensibly because fewer of us live in apartments.
但是实际上可能是因为那些规矩对我们来说太复杂了
But perhaps because the rules are just too complicated for us.
如果他们是老人或者小孩 然后我就像是 “噢 你懂得”
If they're old or very young, then I'm like, "Oh, you know, it's...
“我会一直按着开门键”
"I'll keep holding it."
而如果是一些别的人 “等下一班电梯吧 你看人已经满了”
But if it's someone... "Wait for the next one -- you can see we're full,"
或者 “我们已经等了很久了”
or, "We've been in here a while."
而我也不是很会操作按钮
But also I'm not very good with the buttons
所以有时候我看起来有点像个混♥蛋♥ 因为我就像
so sometimes I just look like a bit of an arsehole, cos I'm like,
“呃 呃”
"Er... Errr...!"
他们就像这样 “把门开着啊”
And they're like, "Hold the door!"
“呃”我永远都找不到按钮在哪
"Er...!" I can never find the button!
不管我们是扶着电梯门或是普通门
But regardless of whether it's a lift or a normal door we're holding,
我们确实希望人们对我们的礼貌有所回应
we do, of course, expect people to reward our politeness
礼貌地说一句“谢谢”
with a polite "Thank you".
我人生中扶过很多门
I've held so many doors open in my life now
如果我扶着门有人不说 “谢谢”
that if I hold a door open and someone doesn't say, "Thank you,"
我就会很大声 带着攻击性地说 “不 谢谢你”
I now will say, "No, thank YOU," very loudly and aggressively.
我真的希望没有人会回过神来后心存芥蒂
I really hope no-one ever turns round and makes anything of it.
但是我们对类似扶门等礼貌行为的痴迷
Our obsession with polite behaviour like holding doors
并不是因为无私
isn't selfless, though.
很大一部分原因是我们害怕
A big part of it is because we're afraid
其他人觉得我们没礼貌
that other people might think we're rude,
对此英国人典型的解决方式就是道歉
and a very British solution to this is to apologise...
先发制人
pre-emptively...
利用一切机会
at every opportunity.
我曾经在很多我不需要道歉的时候
I've certainly apologised for things when I didn't need to apologise,
在别人做错事情或者类似的情况下道歉
when it was another person's fault or something.
你知道的 总会有意外发生
You know, something will happen,
比如有人碰倒了你的东西 “噢 对不起”
like when someone else knocks over your... "Oh, I'm sorry!"
我为什么要说对不起 是你碰倒了我的饮料
Why am I sorry? You just knocked over my drink.
或者有人把液体溅到你身上 “噢 对不起”
Or someone spills something on you. "Oh, sorry!"
为什么我要说对不起 明明是你把东西溅到我身上了
Why? You just spilled it on me.
你古怪的行为是因为 在那种情况下 你的条件反射 你下意识的反应
You do that weird thing where your reflex, your knee jerk,
你的本能反应就是道歉
your instinctive response is to apologise
我认为那很有英式特色 就像我
and I think that's really British. It's like I just...
“我甚至为自己的存在感到抱歉”
"I am sorry for even existing."
“对不起 你知道几点了吗”
"Sorry, have you got the time?"
“对不起 我想知道你是否知道去某某地的路”
"Sorry, I was wondering if you knew the way to..."
“对不起 售票处在哪”
"Sorry, where's the ticket office?"
“对不起”常常是附加的话 几乎是听不见的
Often "sorry" is just thrown in, it's almost barely audible.
如果你用计数器来记录我因别人的错误
You could have one of those little counters going on in the day
说对不起的次数
of how many times I say "sorry"...
那它会一整天持续不断的增长
.. for things that are completely not my fault.
我可以想象你走在牛津街上
I reckon you could walk down Oxford Street
为了前进推搡了很多人
and just shove a lot of people in the back,
而他们都会和你说对不起的画面
and they would all say sorry to you.