天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S01E05

Part 3 Sept. 30, 2020, 10:09 a.m.

The preacher said he really wanted to go on a church trip.
牧师说他真的很想去一个教会旅行
First, I thought that was weird
刚开始我觉得挺奇怪的
because we're Jewish,
毕竟我们是犹太人
and then I realized that I'm not a great mom,
后来我觉得反正我不是一个好妈妈
so I didn't ask any questions. Goodbye.
所以我没问任何问题再见
Church trip. What could that mean?
教会旅行这是什么意思
Hark! A raven! What news does thou bring, winged messenger?
哈尔克乌鸦翅膀传信者你带来了什么消息
Merkin, it's I, Sword Hand, I write this in ketchup
梅尔金我是舞剑手
from the cafeteria of the church camp,
我用教会集中营餐厅的番茄酱给你写这封信
where we are imprisoned.
我们被囚禁在这里
Should I perish, tell my bitch mom she sucks.
如果我死了告诉我的妈妈她很垃圾
I can write no more.
我不能再写了
I must save some ketchup for my tater tots.
我必须留点番茄酱给我的炸土豆块儿
Dad lied to me. I'll show him!
我爸骗了我我要给他看
Take to the wind!
带去我的信吧
Welcome back to Prisoner Price is Right!
欢迎收看《监狱版竞价》
Our next item up for bid is a delicious and nutritious product
我们下一件标品是营养又美味
from the commissary, called... Cup O' Noodles.
来自食堂的杯面
Marvin, what do you bid? I bid two cigarettes.
马尔文你出价多少我出两根香烟
Tuco, what's your bid?
图科你呢
I bid three cigarettes and a rim job.
我出三根香烟外加一次舔肛
Now that's a soup that eats like a meal!
这才像点样子
More after these messages.
这可是双关
Chief, thanks to you,
警长谢谢你
all D&D players are being reeducated at the church camp.
所有的龙与地下城玩家都在教会集中营接受再教育了
Well, all but one. Their leader.
只剩一个他们的头儿
The one that calls himself Merkin.
那个叫梅尔金的
Actually, I got him right here.
我把他抓来了
You lied to me!
你骗了我
You said I'd get to play Dungeons and Drag Queens!
你说我是来玩《变装皇后与地下城》的
Great work, Chief. And now that have we have Merkin, the Mage,
干得好警长现在我们抓到法师梅尔金了
we can burn all that handbooks
我们可以烧掉所有手册
and eradicate Dungeons & Dragons forever.
彻底清除龙与地下城了
That's not Merkin, the Mage.
他不是法师梅尔金
I am.
我才是
Kevin, what are you doing?
凯文你在干什么
Turning myself in.
自首
I can't believe you lied to me and sent my friends to that camp.
我不敢相信你骗了我把我的朋友送去那个集中营
If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me!
如果那里对他们是好的那对我也是好的
Your son was the leader of the D&D cult?
你的儿子是龙与地下城邪教的首领
You don't deserve this. Off to camp with you!
你不配得到这笔钱去教会集中营吧
Fitz, I really screwed things up this time.
菲茨我觉得我这次真的搞砸了
And worse, I think I really hurt Kevin.
更糟的是我觉得我真的伤害了凯文
Imagine how hurt he's gonna be when he finds out
想象一下当他发现梅尔金这个名字
that a Merkin is actually a pussy wig.
真正含义是假阴毛的时候吧
Oh, I've got one right here.
我这里就有
Merkin, we're so glad you're here.
梅尔金你来了真好
What's your plan to get us out?
你有什么逃出计划
My master plan was to find the camp,
我的计划是找到这座集中营
I didn't really think past that part.
我没想过之后的事情
You're better at D&D than you are at life.
你在龙与地下城里可比在现实生活中强多了
Me too. I wish rolling a 50 or higher
我也是我愿意掷出50点或更高的点数
would allow my crotch dragon to stop soaking
让我的胯下龙不再在我睡觉时
my bed with its yellow tears whilst I slumber.
用黄色眼泪哭湿我的床
Pretty! If I had my Cloak of Invisibility,
如果我有我的隐形衣
I could watch my sister take a shower
我就能偷看我姐姐洗澡
without ever getting caught.
而不被抓了
Welcome to D&D Re-education 101.
欢迎来到龙与地下城再教育101课堂
The goal of this class is to
这节课的目标是
help you kids clearly separate fact from fantasy.
让你们这些孩子分清楚真实和虚幻
D&D giant, fantasy. Goliath, the giant, fact.
巨人族假的巨人哥利亚真的
Fire breathing dragons, fantasy.
喷火龙假的
Seven-headed beast coming out of the Lake of Fire, fact.
七头兽从火湖钻出来真的
All right, kids. How about a pop quiz?
孩子们来个快速问答吧
You tell me the Witch of Endor who summons ghosts,
能召唤亡灵的隐多珥女巫
fact or fantasy?
真的还是假的
Fantasy? Wrong! Fact.
假的错真的
First Book of Samuel, chapter 28, verse 3 to 25.
塞缪尔之书上第28章第3到25段
If I had said the hag of Neverwinter who summons raves,
要是我说的是无冬城能召唤渡鸦的鬼婆
that would have been bullshit.
那就是胡说八道
Fact, fantasy.
真的假的
Fact, fantasy. You're just not getting it.
真的假的你们就是没懂
I can't believe that we got all 92 questions wrong.
我真不能相信我们92道题都答错了
Gather around, adventurers.
冒险者们集♥合♥一下
All those brain shocks gave me an idea.
电击让我有了个主意
Tonight Preacher Paul is gonna burn all of our D&D handbooks,
今晚保罗牧师要烧掉所有龙与地下城手册
but we're gonna stop him.
但我们会阻止他
You guys search the camp and get me these supplies.
你们搜索这个营地并且找到这些东西
Why don't I get to do anything cool?
我为什么不能做这些酷炫的事
Look, Cold Hand, let's be honest,
说实话冰冷之手
when it comes to strength and dexterity, life rolled you a zero.
你现实中的力量和敏捷投出的点数为零
I know. But...
我知道但
you're high on the spectrum! Yes! Cold Hand rules!
但你灵感很高没错冰冷之手最高
Am I smiling, Kevin? This is my first time displaying emotion.
我有笑吗凯文这是我第一次情感外露
Welcome back to Shank Tank where we find inmate inventions.
欢迎收看发掘犯人发明的闪客缸节目
Welcome, Marvin. Why don't you tell us about your product?
欢迎马尔文跟我们说说你的产品吧
This is called a Party Blanket, see.
这是派对毯
You throw it over another inmate,
你把它盖在另一个狱友身上
and they can't get loose,
他们就没法脱身了
and it's got a hole here for easy booty access.
并且这里给屁♥股♥开了个洞
Well, that's one way to find a need and fill it.
发现需求满足需求
You are so clever!
你真聪明
I heard you sunk a lot of your own money into this invention.
我听说你为这发明花了不少钱
I put my whole life's savings into this.
我在这上面投入了一辈子的积蓄
I spent months going to prototypes,
我花了几个月制♥作♥原型
first, the hole was too small, then the hole was too big.
一开始洞太小后来又太大
I had to rape a lot of bitch-ass motherfuckers to get it right.
我不得不强♥暴♥了好多混♥蛋♥来调整它
Such an inspiring story.
真励志
I'm gonna give you one slice
我要给你一片
of expired bologna for 10% of your company.
过期博洛尼亚大红肠交换你公♥司♥10%的股份
Don't you want to try my product before you invest?
你投资之前不想试用一下我的产品吗
That's a definite no. I'm in!
绝对不要我要
We've got everything on your list,
我们找齐了你清单上的东西
and a bag of holding, Merkin. Good.
还有一包物资梅尔金好
Cold Hand, you'll neutralize the counselor
冰冷之手你去干掉教导员
and grab the gate keys.
拿到大门钥匙
Me? How? Is that cheese? Wait... No!
我怎么做那是奶酪吗等等不
I'm lactose intolerant.
我有乳糖不耐症
Stop!
停
Not the Monterey Jack!
不要蒙特利杰克干奶酪
No!
不
Pretty sure he's dead.
他死透了
Now we gotta stop that church rally.
我们现在去破坏教众集♥会♥
We're going full live action role-playing on their asses.
我们要给他们来全套的角色扮演
Sweet sister... Is it shower time already?
好姐姐沐浴时间已经到了吗
Get out of here, pervert!
出去变♥态♥
It's time to burn every hellish handbook
是时候烧掉所有邪恶的手册
and demonic diary that we've confiscated,
以及我们没收的每一本污秽日记
so we can free our town of this ungodly game forever!
这样我们镇就永远摆脱这亵渎游戏了
Stop right there!
立刻住手
By the beard of Gygax, attack!
以吉盖克斯胡子的名义杀啊
Gygax!
吉盖克斯
Magic Missile!
魔法飞弹
Thanks, Mom.
谢谢妈妈
Crushing Ball!
碎蛋击
I cast Confusion. -
我施展困惑术
I need a stamina potion.
我需要喝点耐力药剂
Y'all think y'all can intimidate the holy
你们以为你们能用一堆假武器
with a bunch of fake weapons?
恫吓住神职人员吗
You broke my goddamn nose.
你打破了我的鼻子