天堂镇警局（2018）

**Jesus is the greatest Lord of all*
*耶稣是最伟大的神
**High cheekbones, handsome and tall*
*高骸骨 高大帅气
**Better than Buddha who's fat and bald*
*比秃头胖佛祖好
**Or a six-arm weirdo from Napalm*
*或者六臂的怪人
**Zeus and Xenu can suck his balls*
*宙斯和死神嘬屌♥吧
**Jesus is the greatest Lord of all*
*耶稣是最伟大的神
Amen! Thank you, Agnes, for that beautiful singing,
阿门 谢谢你美妙的歌♥声 艾格尼丝
and thank you all for being so generous
谢谢大家这么大方
on our special collection for our local police.
为本次本地警局特殊活动筹款
Big, old plate of money.
一大盘子钱
So that's why you dragged me in here.
所以你才拉我来这里
What are you talking about? I love Jesus!
你在说什么 我爱耶稣
He's a big red one with the horns, right?
他又红又大头上长角吧
Brothers and Sisters,
兄弟姐♥妹♥们♥
Jesus came to me in a vision last night.
昨晚耶稣现身找我
Amen, brother!
阿门 兄弟
He told me the most evil threat
他告诉我我们生命中
to our way of life was not our Galmet.
最邪恶的威胁不是我们的恶魔
**No, it ain't*
*不 绝对不是
And not the fact that Paradise holds the record
也不是天堂拥有每个人
for per capita child molesters.
猥亵儿童的记录
**Don't worry about them Pee-pee touchers*
*别担心摸过小鸡鸡的人
The greatest threat of all is the role-playing board game
最大的威胁是桌上角色扮演游戏
Dungeons & Dragons!
龙与地下城
Wait, what did he say?
等等 他在说什么
God said that this satanic ritual could open a portal to hell,
上帝说这种魔鬼仪式会打开通往地狱的大门
releasing Satan himself,
释放出撒旦
and kids have even been playing Dungeons & Dragons
还有天堂镇所有玩过龙与地下城的
right here in Paradise!
孩子们
And I know this to be true
我知道这是真的
because my own son was tricked into playing,
因为我的儿子就被骗玩了
and just one game turned him gay!
一局后他就变成了基佬
Can I get a virgin mango daiquiri?
我能来一杯处♥男♥鸡尾酒吗
I say Paradise PD doesn't deserve a penny
天堂镇警局在扫除龙与地下城邪教前
until they wipe out the Dungeons & Dragons satanic cult.
不配得到这笔钱
Amen!
阿门
God damn it, Bullet. We needed that money.
该死 子弹 我需要那笔钱
Bullet? I was coming to God's house,
子弹 我来到上帝的地盘
but I didn't expect to meet an angel.
不过真没想到会遇到一名天使
Sorry, I just gave myself a douche chill.
抱歉 我刚刚突然起鸡皮疙瘩了
I'm here every Sunday. My daddy is the preacher.
我每周日都来 我爸爸是牧师
So you're like me. You have to be here,
你和我一样 你不得不来这里
but you don't actually believe in this idiotic bullshit.
但你其实并不相信这番鬼话
Of course, I believe in God, I'm a Christian.
我当然相信上帝了 我是基♥督♥教♥徒♥
And you passed my test! Nice to meet you.
你通过了我的测试 很高兴认识你
I'm Bullet. Christian. Big, huge fucking Christian.
我是子弹 基♥督♥教♥徒♥ 超级基♥督♥教堂
Awesome!
太好了
It's so hard to find any nice Christian men in this town.
这镇上都找不到什么好心的基♥督♥教♥徒♥
I'd love to go on a date with you!
我愿意和你约会
He has risen.
他复活了
Time to go, Chassidy. Father Golem has volunteered
走了 卡西迪 戈尔蒙神父自告奋勇
to whip your brother straight again.
要把你弟弟抽直
Listen up! From now on,
听好了 从现在开始
this department's goal
我们部门的目标
is busting every single Dungeons & Dragons nerd in town.
就是抓住镇上玩龙与地下城的每一个死宅
Yeah! Time to break in my nerd-knocker.
太好了 该亮出我的死宅棍了
Hey, Dusty.
达斯廷
You ever go ass-to-ass with a nerd-knocker?
你有没有和死宅棍屁♥股♥对屁♥股♥过
Hello, HR? Yeah, she asked me to go ASS to ASS again.
人事处 她又要我屁♥股♥对屁♥股♥
What do you mean I should just do it? Gina, is that you?
什么叫我应该直接上 吉娜 是你吗
Dusty, did I forget to mention I'm the new head of HR?
达斯廷 我是不是忘了说我是新的人事处处长
Is D&D actually illegal?
龙与地下城真的违法吗
Plus, we've got a lot of unsolved murders.
再说了 我们还有好多未破的谋杀案
Blah, blah, murders, blah, blah.
什么谋杀什么的
Without that money from the church,
没有教堂的钱
we can't even afford enough expired bologna to feed our inmates.
我们买♥♥不起过期香肠给囚犯吃了
Dusty, pick one of 'em scumbags in jail and release them.
达斯廷 去监狱选一个混球放掉
Chief, how am I going to decide which one I should let go?
局长 我怎么决定该放哪个
Just pick one! I don't give a rotten rat queef how you do it.
随便选一个 我根本不在乎你怎么选
I want the rest of you out there arresting every single
我要你们其他人去把城里所有
zit-faced, half-working, pillow-fucking paladin in town.
死气沉沉游手好闲沉迷自♥慰♥的人抓起来
Gina, you ride with me. Kevin, you ride with Fitz.
吉娜 你和我一辆车 凯文 你和菲茨一起
I'm stuck with Kevin again? Why don't you take him?
我又要和凯文一起吗 你为什么不带他
He seems desperate for a little father-son time.
他好像很想和爸爸共处
"I'd love spending the day with you, son.
"我今天想和你一起过 儿子
Why don't we catch a movie now?"
我们去看一部电影吧"
"I'd love to, Dad, but my girlfriend's coming over."
"我也想 爸爸 但是我女朋友来了"
I don't want to ride with Kevin.
我不想和凯文一起
I can't take another awkward conversation.
我不想再和他进行尴尬的对话了
I've got nothing in common with that kid.
我和那孩子没有任何共同之处
Didn't I catch you in the evidence room banging a watermelon?
我不是抓到你在证物处干一只西瓜吗
What? Ew, no!
什么 不是
That was a honeydew. I do have standards.
那是蜜瓜 我有标准的
I'm not riding with either one of you melon-ballers.
我不要跟你们这些操瓜的一辆车
Okay, fine. Gina, you're with Fitz.
好吧 吉娜 你和菲茨一起
Kevin, you ride with me.
凯文 你和我一起
Why don't I ever get an assignment?
我为什么没有任务
I wanna be able to shoot criminals again.
我也想再去打击罪犯
Hopson, that's a banana.
霍普森 那是香蕉
Oh, I can't do anything right.
我什么都做不好
I'm going to end it all.
我要了解一切
Goodbye, assholes!
再见 混♥蛋♥们
Oh, shit. This damn banana ain't even loaded.
该死 这香蕉都没有上膛
So, did you get your big boy hair yet?
你下面长毛了吗
Why don't we just talk about the case?
我们还是就聊案子吧
Great idea.
好主意
So, do you really think D&D is some sort of Satanic ritual?
你真的觉得龙与地下城是撒旦仪式吗
Of course not, it's a stupid nerd game.
当然不是 这只是个愚蠢的死宅游戏
I'm doing it for the church money.
我只是为了教堂的钱
Yo, Preacher Paul, what's up my Pentecostal pal?
保罗牧师 你好啊
My formalist straight-turned-gay now straight-again son
我曾经直变弯又变直的儿子
just confessed that there's a D&D game going on right now
坦白称现在漫画书店正在进行
down at the comic book store.
龙与地下城游戏
Don't worry, Preacher. I'm going to march down there
别担心 牧师 我马上就去那里
and bust their little virgin asses wide open.
给他们一个个都开♥苞♥
You're on speakerphone, Chief,
我开着免提 局长
and you just turned my son gay again.
你又把我的儿子变成基佬了
He has risen!
他复活了
This twenty-sided die is still warm.
这个二十面骰还是温的
The chairs are still ranked with Funyun farts.
椅子还是用洋葱圈屁排序的
Gina, what did you get out of the owner of this hole?
吉娜 你问出店主什么来了
He's not talking, and I hit him until he pissed himself.
他不说 我把他打到尿失禁
Yeah, that's what it is.
是 那是尿
I know how he will talk. What're you doing?
我知道怎么让他说 你要干什么
That's Mediocre Comics number three.
那是《普通漫画》三
First appearance of the Human Kumquat.
金橘人第一次出场
No, don't hurt her!
不 别伤害她
It'd be a shame if this went from "Near mint" To "Very fine".
从"近全新的完美版本"到"很棒"可真可惜
No!
不
You monster!
你个禽兽
All I know is that the leader of the D&D clan
我只知道龙与地下城的组织者
calls himself Merkin, the Mage.
叫他自己梅尔金 魔法师
They probably went to finish their game
他们可能去城市那头的树屋
in the tree house across town.
继续他们的游戏去了
But that's all I'll tell you,
但那是我能告诉你的全部了
unless she hits me with that stick until I pee again.
除非她用警棍再把我打尿了
We're too late again.
我们又来晚了
How do we keep just missing these weirdos?
我们怎么一直错过这些怪胎
Even their pizza is freaking weird.
甚至他们吃的披萨都很怪
Just bread and sauce, no cheese.
只有面包和酱 没有奶酪