天才儿童

我最近爱用这一招
So, I started doing this thing, right,
我给欧文吃安♥眠♥药♥
where I give Irwin sleeping pills.
他昏睡 我把房♥间弄乱
He passes out, I trash the room.
第二天 他以为我们度过了狂野的一晚
Next day, he thinks we had a wild night,
而我能美美地睡饱8小时
and I got my eight hours.
所以我旱死 你涝死
So, you have so much sex,
你还得给你老公下药来获得喘息
you have to drug your husband for a break.
这对我有什么帮助
How does that help me?
好吧
All right.
角色扮演怎么样
What about role-playing?
我和欧文也常玩
Me and Irwin do that.
上周 我扮成和学生有染的老师
Last week, I was a teacher who had an affair with a student.
而他是政♥府♥指派给我的律师
And he was my state-appointed attorney.
我们都清楚我有罪
And we both knew I was guilty.
所以 从118个适合初吻的候选人开始
So, after starting with 118 suitable first-kiss candidates.
我把范围缩小到了这3个选项
I've narrowed it down to these three options.
我的排名基于一个专有算法
I've based my rankings on a proprietary algorithm
该算法涉及到名声
that factors criteria like reputation,
可靠度及性格品质
reliability and quality of character.
我喜欢中间那个
I like the one in the middle.
我也是
Oh, me, too!
他好帅哦 对吧
He's so cute, right?
初吻研究得怎么样了
How's the first kiss search going?
有进展 你呢
Mm, making progress. What about you?
要我说 挺不错的
I'd say... pretty good.
那是什么
What is that?
3D打印出来的聚碳酸酯材质的半张脸
It's a 3-D-printed, polycarbonate half-face.
一垒的未来
The future of first base.
很诡异啊
It's creepy.
明明很机智好吗 在我亲别人之前
It's smart. Before I kiss someone,
我需要擅长亲吻 所以我要用这个做练习
I need to be good at it, so I'm gonna use this to practice.
马尔科姆·格拉德威尔说你重复做某事一万小时
Malcolm Gladwell says you have to do something
才能成为专家
for 10,000 hours to be an expert,
所以本浪子来咯 2029年的女士们
so watch out, ladies of 2029.
我参加竞选时
When I run for office,
你会自己消失 不连累我的对吧
you're just gonna go away, right?
随你怎么嘲讽 老姑娘
Quip all you want, old mare.
你的初吻仍在测试阶段
While your kissing is still in beta,
而我的初吻已经准备好实施了
mine will be ready to launch.
来吧 我带你看看我的房♥间
Come on. I'll show you my room.
布莱恩真幸运
Lucky Brian.
他注孤生 会永远住在家里了
He's gonna live at home forever.
麦克呀
Oh, Mike?
麦克
Mike?
麦克
Mike?!
天呐 天呐
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
我真抱歉 我真抱歉 你还好吗
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?
-你干嘛啊 -欧文说
- What was that? - Irwin said...
要给你惊喜
...surprise you.
刚才那样...性感吗
Is it... sexy?
并不
Uh, no.
你穿的是什么
What-what are you wearing?
我扮成了你觉得性感的那个超级英雄
I dressed up as that superhero you think is hot--
了不起的麦瑟尔夫人
the Marvelous Mrs Maisel.
不不不 是惊奇队长才对
No, no, no, that... It's Captain Marvel.
麦瑟尔夫人才打不过灭霸呢
Mrs. Maisel could never defeat Thanos.
所以你今天也想招了
So I guess you did the math today, too?
没 我在二月去血拼了万圣节的东西
No, I went to the Halloween shop in February
因为我对我们的性生活满意极了
because I'm feeling great about our sex life.
出了什么问题
What happened?
我们以前从来不用这样费劲尝试
We never used to have to try like this.
那瞬间感觉就来了
The moment would just hit us.
不管我们在哪 当时在干什么
It wouldn't matter where we were or what we were doing.
或者所在的教堂是哪个教派
Or what denomination the church was.
都是心血来潮就发生了
It was just spontaneous.
现在我们却要计划着心血来潮
And now we're trying to plan spontaneous.
当我们以前听其他情侣
All those times other couples
抱怨他们的性生活时 我们嘲笑他们真倒霉
complained about their sex lives, we were like, "Sucks to be them."
现在我们也成了倒霉鬼了
Now we're the them it sucks to be.
我想布莱恩说得对
Well, guess Brian was right.
你的鸡鸡基本沦为装饰品了
Your penis has become mostly decorative.
一切正按计划进行 小蕾
We are right on schedule, Leils.
等那家伙带着他的朱唇到了
As soon as that guy and his mouth shows up,
我就提议取消家教 去散个步
I'll suggest we skip tutoring and take a walk.
然后在三分之二英里之后
Then, after two-thirds of a mile,
我就摘下皮筋 来一招这个
I'll take out my hair tie and do one of these.
一缕秀发就会落在我的脸颊
A single strand of hair will fall in my face.
这时他会伸出手来
That's when he'll reach out with his hand,
把发丝塞到我的耳后
tuck the hair behind my ear
然后向我靠过来...
lean in and...
将军
Checkmate.
又完成一个书本里说的成人仪式
another rite of passage in the books.
像童话一样美好呢
Like a fairytale.
我已经确保一切会完美进行
I've made sure everything is perfect.
你怎么确保亲吻是完美的
How do you make sure a kiss is perfect?
这个嘛...啥
Well, you, uh.
如果很糟怎么办
What if it's bad?
不会的 我做什么都很棒
It won't be. I excel at everything.
只是我以前没吻过别人
Except, I've never done this before,
所以我想确实有非零的概率我会做不好
so I suppose there is a non-zero chance that I might be bad.
但谁在乎啊 没什么大不了的
But who cares? It's not a big deal.
不过是个很帅的男孩
It's just a really cute guy
现在正要来我家吻我
on his way to my house right now to kiss me.
你知道他还弹吉他吗
And did you know he player guitar?
虽说他只会弹一首黄老板的歌♥
I mean, he only knows that one Ed Sheeran song.
但也许是因为他太忙了
But maybe it's because he's too busy
忙着亲别的女孩 才没空学新歌♥
kissing other girls to learn another one.
如果他亲了我 发现我是最糟的呢
And what if he kisses me and I'm the worst?
又或者会很棒呢
Or maybe it'll be good.
宝贝
Hey, babe.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
烤面包
Baking bread.
没错 我开始烤面包了
Ye, I bake bread now.
我在想 与其在晚上备受压力
I was thinking, u202dinstead of stressing at night
纠结到底要不要做 或者为什么没有做
about if we're gonna do it, or why we are not doing it,
或者能不能在揭晓蒙面唱将身份前搞完
or can we get it done before they unmask the singer,
我要把那股精神头注入面包
I am going to channel that energy into bread.
我喜欢你这态度 超赞
I love that. I love it!
面包一端出来 就皆大欢喜
No one is ever mad when bread shows up.
我也有同样的想法 但我是打算尝遍
I had the same thought, except I am going to try
所有种类的汽水
every single type of soda.
国产的 限♥量♥款 进口的
Domestic, small batch, international.
我们正处在汽水复兴时期
We are in the middle of a soda-sance
-却差点错过了 -是啊
- and almost missed it. - Yeah.
是时候展开生活新篇章了
Time to pop the top on a new chapter of life.
克罗地亚汽水
Croatian soda.
这玩意不该存在
This shouldn't exist.
宝贝 想过来帮你妈
Hey, honey. Want to come in and help your mom bake bread
烤一辈子面包吗
for the rest of her life?
好啊 有何不可
You know what? Sure.
真的吗
Really?
太棒了
Awesome.
扯一块面团
Pull up some dough.
我能问你点事吗
So... can I ask you something?
这是你第一次烤面包吧
This is your first time doing this, right?
天呐 当然
Oh, God, yeah.
既然是你的第一次
And since u202dthis is your time,
所以不够完美也没关系 对吧
it's okay if it's not perfect, right?
就算结果很糟糕 也是可以理解的
It would even be understandable if it were bad.
我过去也这么以为
Hmm. I used to think that.