天才儿童

好吧 老娘当年的确是情场野猫
Well, yeah, I did all right.
快点一五一十都告诉我
I want to hear everything.
我终于有能向你请教的事了
There's so much I can finally learn from you.
其实也没那么...
No, that's really not...
好吧 我们去边喝咖啡边聊
You know what, let's go get coffee.
我想找一个叫道格的人
Yo, I'm looking for somebody named Doug.
我刚买♥♥了晚餐
I just picked up dinner.
我们今晚吃火腿
We're having ham.
真会说笑
Ha, ha, very funny.
因为我帮马科爱上了一幅画中
Because I helped Marc fall in love with a painting
抱着火腿的女孩
of a girl holding ham.
不 我就是想吃火腿了
No. Just felt like ham.
你说我们儿子怎么了
What's this about our son?
没什么 吃火腿很棒啊
Nothing, ham sounds great.
马科会很喜欢的
Marc will love it. So...
拆散妮可和泰勒一事进行得怎么样了
how's it going with breaking up Nicole and Tyler?
其实我和妮可谈过后
Actually, I talked to Nicole,
我们想到了一个更好的方法
and we came up with a better plan for Tyler.
我们要改造泰勒
We're gonna fix him.
行吧 我以前的杜宾犬被绝育后的确老实了
Yeah, okay, well, worked on my old Doberman.
不 不 听我说
No, no. Look.
我告诉了妮可我担心泰勒
I told Nicole my concerns about Tyler.
我们意识到 结合她的头脑和我的恋爱经验
And we realized, between her brains and my experience,
我们能把泰勒调♥教♥成不会伤她心的正直好男人
we can turn Tyler into a decent guy who won't break her heart.
好啊 我懂了
Okay. Okay.
所以你不会拆散他们
So, instead of breaking them up,
反而要利用这机会多和她相处 对不对
you are milking it so that you can spend more time with her.
-没有啊 -这是你口是心非的语气
- No. - That's your "yes" no.
好吧 我承认
Fine.
但她好不容易终于肯听我说话了
But she's actually listening to me for once.
我们在建立感情呢
We're, like, bonding.
你想想如果布莱恩来找你
Imagine Brian comes to you
说想和你一起玩橄榄球[丢猪皮]and wants to toss the old pigskin around...
你会怎么做
What are you gonna do?
以他尿性我会觉得家里藏了一头死猪尸体
I'd assume there was a pig carcass lying somewhere in our house.
不过如果他是指打橄榄球 我会很激动的
But, yeah, I mean, I guess if it was football, I'd be excited.
泰勒就是我们的橄榄球
Well, Tyler's our football.
听着 我是觉得有把握才会这么做
Look, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it could work.
好吧
Fine.
我还应该跟你说一声 我带妮可去见道格了
And, you should know, I took Nicole to see Doug.
至少他有发胖变形吧
Did he at least get fat?
有
Yes.
这是你口是心非的语气
That's your "no" yes!
一幅画 对吧
So, a painting, huh?
这倒是新鲜
That's a new one.
至少她很性感吧
Is she hot, at least?
在现代人里算6分 在文艺复兴时期算9分
She's like a modern six, Renaissance nine.
但还是很怪
But it's still weird,
而且是我叫他去和画说话的 都怪我
and it's my fault for telling him to go talk to it.
我只是想和他建立感情 你懂吗
I was just trying to connect, you know?
我以为他在做正常孩子会做的事
I thought he was doing something normal.
你们家早就没正常可言了 麦克
Normal hasn't lived here in a long time, Mike.
我学到教训了
Well, I learned my lesson.
现在我只要不让他再去美术馆就好
Now I just got to keep him away from that museum.
我说不好
Well, I don't know.
丽塔嫁给我 其实有一半是因为
You know, half the reason Rita married me
她父母讨厌我
was 'cause her parents hated me.
他们不准她和我见面
They forbid her from seeing me.
对我们撂过很多狠话 诸如"除非我死"
There were a lot of "over my dead bodies"
"在我家别想"
and "not under my roof."
还有"不 所有人留下 就他走"
And "No, everyone else stay, he leaves.
"不 你站着别动"
"No. Stay where you are.
不用同情他
"Don't feel bad for him.
"放下面包卷"
"Put down the rolls.
"你坐下 你也坐下 他滚
"You, sit. You, down. He, leaves.
"出去顺手把门锁上
"And lock the door on your way out.
"先开最上面的锁
"And start with the top lock
那扇门很复杂
"'cause it's a tricky door.
你得先提起来再拔♥出♥来♥
u202d"You got to lift up and pull out.
因为老下雨都涨大了"
"'Cause it's been swollen since the rain."
这种残酷对话你经历过很多次吗
There were a lot of those?
重点是 如果你不准他去
The point is, if you forbid it,
只会把他推向画中人抱着火腿的怀里
you'll only drive him to that painting's ham-holding hands.
不行 你得表现得很无所谓
No, you got to act like you're cool with it,
这样或许他会失去兴趣
and then maybe he'll lose interest.
也许你说得对
Yeah, maybe you're right.
谢了 欧文
Thanks, Irwin.
听着 如果哪天你需要我帮忙...
Hey, listen, if you ever need my help, I...
道格在我车后备箱里
I got Doug in my trunk.
大部分女生都喜欢主吉他手
Most people go for the lead guitarist,
但我告诉你个小秘密
but let me give you a tip.
鼓手通常身材比较好
The drummer's usually in better shape
反正从谁手里拿到后台贵宾入场券都一样
and the backstage passes are the same.
人生智慧啊
That's brilliant.
妈 你太酷了
Mom, you're awesome.
我知道这有点诡异
u202dI know this is weird,
但你能不能把这句话印到杯子上 再上层釉
but could you write that on a mug, glaze it,
我死后务必把杯子和我一起下葬
and make sure I'm buried with it?
对了 我完成了你给我的"泰勒待办事项"
By the way, I got through that whole Tyler to-do list you gave me.
-是吗 -我还让他删去了简历里的"电子烟之王"
- Yeah? - Even got him take u202d"Vape Lord" off his résumé.
本来要一周才能做完的
Wow, this was supposed to take you all week.
你哪来那么多时间啊
How'd you find time to do it all?
也没多难啦
Oh, it wasn't hard.
我确实得退出模拟联♥合♥国♥ 可是...
I mean, I did have to quit Model UN, but...
等等 你干什么了
Wait, you what?!
你怎么能退出模拟联♥合♥国♥
You can't quit Model UN.
你以为你是朝鲜啊
What are you, North Korea?
我想拯救泰勒 别落得比道格更糟的下场
I'm trying to save Tyler from a fate worse than Doug.
那可比和假冒中国分享假核技术
That's more important than sharing fake nuclear technology
重要多了
with pretend China.
不 你不该为一个以后只会伤你心的男人
No, it's...You shouldn't give up on the things you love
放弃你热爱的事
for some guy who's just gonna screw you over.
我搞砸了
I messed up.
我就不该这么做
This was a mistake.
你这是什么意思
What do you mean?
这明明是你提议的
This was your idea.
我只是出于自私的理由
I was being selfish.
我比谁都清楚
I know better than anyone,
女人无法改变泰勒或道格这种男人
you can't change Tylers or Dougs.
我只是觉得能和你多相处 我很开心
I was just excited to be spending time with you.
你不能再见泰勒了
You have to stop seeing Tyler.
这事没得商量
End of discussion.
不 我自己能做决定
No. I can make my own decisions.
我这么聪明 才不会像你当年那样被骗
I'm too smart to let myself get manipulated like you did.
你说什么
Excuse me?
你有没有想过问题也许不是出在那些男人身上
Ever think maybe the problem wasn't the guys?
是吗 那是谁的错呢
Oh. Then who was it?
如果坏掉的单车后座吻合...
If the broken bicycle seat fits...
好啊 你被禁足了
Okay, you are grounded.
告诉你一声 他们不是弄坏后座
And for the record, they didn't break the seat,
而是把车把压断了
they snapped off the handlebars.
好了 小家伙
All right, buddy,
去和你的画玩吧
go hang with your painting.
我就在这边等着
I'll just wait back here
看能不能找到个雕塑和你哥拉郎配
and try to find a statue I can set up with your brother.
其实我觉得你和她聊聊也挺好
Actually, I think it would be good for you to talk to her.
我想不用了
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm good.
我远远地跟她打声招呼就行
I can just, you know...Hey.
老爸 我知道你不理解
Dad, I know you don't understand,
但我希望你试一试
but I would like you to try.
好吧