天才儿童

马科和蕾拉生日快乐
今年马科和蕾拉的生日派对
Well, another successful Marc and Leila birthday party
-又成功得令人难忘 -是啊
- in the books. - Sure,
如果成功的标准是看有几个客人
if success is measured by the number of guests
会做噩梦
who have nightmares.
不如明年让蕾拉选派对主题吧
Hey, maybe next year we let Leila choose the theme.
"总有一死"是最实诚的生日派对主题
"Mortality" is the only honest birthday theme.
因为每过一年人都会...
Because every year brings you...
离冰冷和无尽的虚无更近一步
One step closer to a cold and endless nothing.
没错
Yeah.
到外面玩去
Go outside.
别在家里玩头骨
Stop playing skull in the house.
不是这种派对 就是布莱恩的科学派对
So, between this and Brian's science parties
还有妮可的生日社交聚会
and Nicole's birthday networking mixers,
我们永远办不了正常的派对 是不是
we're never throwing a normal party, are we?
现在我只希望这个头骨是人造的
Right now I'm just hoping that's a fake skull.
马科昨天回家时衣服上沾了好多泥
Marc came home yesterday with a lot of mud on his clothes.
马科和蕾拉出生于同一天
I'm always amazed by the statistical unlikelihood
这在统计学上很罕见 一直令我惊异
that Marc was born on the exact same day as Leila.
考虑到九个月前正好是父亲节
The odds increase when you consider
可能性有所增加啦
that nine months ago is Father's Day.
是啊 那估计就是老妈送他的礼物
Yeah. That probably counted as Mom's gift.
免费炮 而且足不出户就能打完
It's free, and you don't have to leave the house to get it.
布莱恩 我们说好你说话前要怎么样
Brian, what did we say about talking?
先默念五次 如果听起来还是奇怪
Say it to myself five times, and if it still sounds weird,
就别说出口
don't say it.
可是他们同一天生日这件事
Although there is something that never sat quite right
我一直觉得有些不对劲
with me about their joint birthday.
被你这么一提 我也觉得季节对不上
Now that you mention it, I feel like the seasons don't line up.
我记得马科出生时 是春天
I remember when Marc was born, it was spring
我得了花粉引起的结膜炎
and I had pollen-induced conjunctivitis.
但蕾拉出生时 是冬天
But when Leila was born, it was winter.
我摔进了一个结冰的湖
And I fell through that frozen lake
总算把结膜炎冲没了
that finally cleared my conjunctivitis.
记忆真奇妙啊
Memories are so crazy.
是啊
Yeah.
你们知道还有什么也很奇妙吗
You know what else is crazy?
你们写了一整部关于史蒂芬·霍金的
That you guys have written an entire rap musical
说唱音乐剧 而我们居然没听过
about Stephen Hawking, and we haven't heard it.
-不行 我们正在... -下身麻♥痹♥的♥
- No, we're in the middle of... - How does a paraplegic
战略之帝 医学研究者之子 要如何...
King of strategic, son of a medical researcher...
别闹 他们想转移话题
No, they're trying to distract us.
我们就要发现真♥相♥了
We're onto something.
你们在隐瞒什么
What are you hiding?
蕾拉真正的生日是在十二月
Leila's real birthday is in December.
他们刚才都要黑入医院系统了
They were just gonna hack the hospital.
过个消停的周六不好吗
Let's have a normal Saturday.
蕾拉的生日你们骗了我们八年
You've lied about Leila's birthday for eight years?
不是 就骗了一次
No. We lied about it once,
之后的八年都没人起疑
and no one's questioned it for eight years.
起因是你们爷爷奶奶不能飞过来
It started because your grandparents couldn't fly in
给蕾拉过一岁生日 所以我们就...
for Leila's first birthday, so we just...
跟马科的生日合并了
combined it with Marc's.
然后我们就干脆一直这么做了
And then we just kind of kept it that way.
放过我们吧 我们当年穷死了
Cut us some slack. We were broken.
养育四个孩子累死人 而且很反常
Four kids is exhausting and unnatural.
我跟一位神父忏悔过 他说
I once confessed this to a priest and he said,
"我完全能懂一次四个小孩有多累"[恋童]"I totally get it."
你们不觉得是时候跟她说实话了吗
Don't you think it's time you told her the truth?
他说得对
He's right.
我们不能一直骗蕾拉
We can't keep lying to Leila.
正如这个礼品袋上写的
Like this goodie bag says,
"所行之恶 死后犹存"
"The evil that men do lives after them."
是 但上面还写了
Yes, but it also says,
"不为亡者哭 只为生者泣"
"Don't weep for the dead. Weep for the living."
我开始明白为什么没人拿走它们了
I'm starting to see why no one took any of these.
所以我不是在我生日那天生的
So I wasn't born on my birthday?
不 是那一天
No, uh, you were,
但月份要往前推四个月
but, um-- but that day was actually four months ago.
所以我昨天八岁
Yesterday I was eight.
今早就九岁了
This morning I turned nine.
现在又快十岁了
Now I'm almost ten.
人生好荒唐
Life's a wild ride.
但重要的是 如果你有天和心理咨♥询♥师提起这事
But the important thing to remember is how bad we feel
记得告诉人家我们超愧疚的
when you talk to your therapist about this one day.
没事的 我习惯了
It's cool. I'm used to it.
我曾一度以为我的全名是
For a while, I thought my full name was
有人看见·蕾拉·本奈特·了没
Has Anyone Seen Leila Bennett?
等等 我们还要给你办个派对
Oh, wait, we're also throwing you a party!
-我们要干什么 -没错
- We're-we're what? - Yeah!
来补偿过去八年里
To make up for the eight years
那些合办生日宴 头骨派对
of joint birthdays and skeleton parties
还有几次把你落在超♥市♥
and a couple of left-at-the-malls,
你可以有一场自己的狂欢
you're getting your very own bash.
无需等到真正生日那一天
And you don't even have to wait for your real birthday.
是专属于你的一天
Hmm? It's a day just for you.
蕾拉狂欢日
A Leilapalooza!
我希望有人带莫莉来
Wow. I hope someone brings Molly.
走吧莫莉
Come on, Molly!
幸好不是指幻想朋友
Oh, thank God.
等下 我们为什么要单独再给她办个派对
Wait, why are we throwing another party?
她都没当回事儿
She was cool with everything.
这就是问题所在
That's the problem.
她习惯于不受重视
She is so used to not feeling special,
她都不知道自己应该为这件事生气
she doesn't even know she should be mad about this.
我们必须补偿她
We have to make it up to her.
我觉得能办一次寻常孩子派对
I guess it would be nice to throw
也挺好的啦
a normal kids' party for once.
我们也能在这样的派对上玩得开心
Something we can have fun at, too.
我爸以前可喜欢我的生日派对了
My dad used to love my birthday parties.
不是因为我出生于那天
Not because I was born
而是因为我们通常会去看大都会队的比赛
but because we usually went to a Mets game.
我们要不要也去看
Oh, should we do that?
不 这不是我们的派对
No. This is not about us.
是蕾拉的 我们要看她想要干什么
This is about Leila and what she wants.
我们要把派对的大权全部交给蕾拉
We are leaving this party totally up to her.
好吧 无论她想做什么
Well, whatever she picks,
都肯定比马科让我们去找一个
it's got to be better than Marc asking us to find a cake that
"切开时会尖叫"的蛋糕强
"screams when you cut it."
我觉得它知道我们在说它
I think it knows we're talking about it.
你非常美味哦
You were delicious!
我准备看《美国摔角联盟》
Hey. I'm about to go watch SmackDown.
-你俩要和我一起看摔跤吗 -好啊
- You guys want to watch wrestling with me? - Sure.
-真的吗 -当然是假的
- Really? - No.
看吧 不是只有你会说谎
See? You're not the only one who can lie.
我们一直在思考你的生日诡计
We've been thinking about your birthday ruse,
不禁联想到
and it made us wonder...
你们还骗了我们什么
What else have you lied to us about?
我想你们也长大了 该知道了
Okay. I guess you guys are old enough to know.
太多了 我们几乎每天都在骗你们
Uh, tons of things. We lie to you guys all the time.
为了熬过去我们什么都说得出口
We say whatever we have to to get by.
"早上好"就是个谎言 好个屁
"Good morning" is a lie.
有时我们把你们的脏衣服叠一叠
Sometimes we just fold the dirty laundry
就当洗过了放回你们的抽屉
and put it back in your drawers.
对了 这个才经典
Oh, and, uh-- this is a good one--
还记得我们和你们说过 如果
remember how we told you that if something were to happen
我和你妈出事了 哈佛大学董事会
to me and Mom, you guys would become the wards
会成为你们的监护人
of the Harvard board of trustees?
不 难道你们要把我们扔给公立学校
Oh, no. You're leaving us to a state school?
说轰趴学校更贴切啦
It's more of a party school.
由丽塔和欧文
It's Rita and Irwin.