天才儿童

我从没见过他对什么事那么上心
I've never seen him that amped up about anything.
是啊
Yeah.
我知道 我必须找沃克把这件事摆平
I know. I got to fix things with Walker.
我们给他打电♥话♥道歉就行了
So we'll-we'll just call him and apologize.
完美
That's perfect.
可我不知道他是谁 我对他干了什么
Except for I have no idea who he is or what I did to him.
我得把这件事弄清楚
I got to figure this out.
一定有人还记得他
Someone has to remember him.
我可不记得他
I don't remember him.
等等 是被你钉在吉祥物套装里的那个人吗
Wait. Was this the guy you stapled into the mascot outfit?
不是 那是约翰·诺伍德
No, that was John Norwood.
是不是被你把除臭剂
What about the dude whose deodorant
换成喷胶的那个人
you switched for spray glue?
那是瑞安·法利
Ryan Farley.
而且我怎么知道
And how was I supposed to know
他会往裤裆里喷除臭剂
he sprayed deodorant down there?
谁会这么做
Who does that?
-奇葩 -没人这样
- What? - No one.
丧心病狂
That's crazy.
好吧 好吧
Okay, okay...
返校日被你扔进储物柜的那个
What was the name of the flat-assed guy
扁屁♥股♥的家伙叫什么来着
you shoved into the locker during homecoming?
他叫麦克
His name was Mike.
麦克·本奈特 她老公
Mike Bennett. She married him.
我们越聊我之前干的事
You know, the more we talk about all the stuff I did,
我听着越觉得可恶 而不是好笑
it sounds more mean than fun.
我上高中的时候真的是个恶霸吗
Was I just a bully in high school?
不是 不是 亲爱的
No... no, babe.
你只是一个
You just-- you did some...
心狠手辣 把别人收集白色牛仔裤的信心
cruel things at the expense of other people's confidence
踩在脚下的人
in their white jean collection.
麦克 你说的还真是
Wow, Mike. You found the only thing
白人男心里唯一过不去的那件事
that a white guy can't get away with.
麦克说得没错
So Walker was right.
我就是那棵坏树
I am the jerk tree,
马科就是那颗随了我的坏果子
and Marc is the apple that didn't fall far from me.
也许你过去曾经有可恶的一面
Maybe you were a tree on the jerky side,
但你现在重新做人了
but you're a different person now.
扁屁男说得没错
Pancake-Ass is right.
要不你干脆让这个沃克看看你的改变
Why don't you just show this Walker guy that you changed.
比如邀请他来吃晚餐什么的
Uh, invite him over for dinner or something.
是啊 或者和对我们一样
Yeah, or do what you did to us:
请人家来喝啤酒吃披萨
invite him over for beer and pizza,
然后聊一些人家根本搭不上话的事情
and then talk about stuff he can't even contribute to
因为人家跟你上的不是同一所中学 凯
because he went to a different high school, Kay!
好吧 就这么做 我们试试看
All right, you know what? Let's give it a try.
我们欢迎他大驾光临[铺开红地毯]We'll roll out the red carpet.
沃克是被你卷进地毯的那个人吗
Oh! Was Walker the guy you rolled in that carpet?
不不不
No-no-no-no-no.
那个也是我
Also me.
沃克回复了我的邮件
Walker just e-mailed back.
他答应了明天来吃晚饭
He is in for dinner tomorrow.
但他说他的"女友"无法到场
But he said his "girlfriend" can't make it.
奇怪的是 是他自己把"女友"用引号♥括起来的
Weirdly, he's the one who put "girlfriend" in quotes.
好极了 他说没说对什么食物过敏
Great. Did he mention any food allergies?
要是我们往他的沙拉里加一些坚果
'Cause we throw a couple nuts in his salad,
说不定他就会过敏 我们就可以趁机救他一命
next thing you know, we're saving his life
让他欠我们一个大人情
and he owes us.
你怎么在这儿
Oh. Hey, buddy.
我们之前怎么跟你说藏着偷听这事的
What did we say about you and lurking?
别被发现
Don't get caught.
或许现在是和你的小苹果沟通的好时机
Maybe now's a good time to talk to your apple.
宝贝
Hey, sweetie.
过来 坐
Here. Sit.
我最近回想起上学时做过的所有事
You know, I've been thinking about all the stuff I did
你知道我从中意识到什么吗
when I was in school, and you know what I realize?
无论何时 霸凌都是不对的
It is never okay to bully.
其实...
Well, actually...
每次有人以这个词开场 我就很反感
I hate when they start sentences like that.
最近我读了一篇文章 也是我写的
I recently read an article that I wrote
文中强调贬低身边的弱者
that highlights the sociopolitical benefits
对社会与政♥治♥的诸多好处
of diminishing the weakest among us.
从进化论的角度来说 无能之人就该被嘲笑
From an evolutionary standpoint, ineptitude should be ridiculed,
那样可以抑制物种落后的特性
as to discourage that trait from the species.
难道每件事都要说成自然纪录片那样吗
Does everything have to be a nature documentary?
总之友善待人 即便他们比你们笨
Just be kind to people, even if they're dumber than you.
照你这么说
So, based on that premise,
我应该对布莱恩格外好一些
I should be extra nice to Brian.
看我头脑聪明 长相对称的妹妹提出了一个
What a beautiful sentiment from my brilliant
多么优秀的想法
and symmetrically-featured sister.
为了防止你那点智商跟不上我的节奏
In case your lackluster intelligence isn't following,
我就明说了 是我要对你友好一点 因为...
it is I who am being nice because...
因为妈妈说的那句话
because of what Mom said.
真有意思
Interesting.
为了毒舌攻击对方 他们假装友善
They're being nice to be mean.
-不 你不要跟他们学 -孩子们
- No, no-no-no-no-no, don't learn this. - Guys,
友善不是你们互相攻击的武器好吗
niceness is not a weapon, okay?
待人友善让世界变得更美好
It makes the world a better place,
也可以削减你们下地狱的风险
and also, it's a great way to hedge your bet
万一真的有天堂的话
in case there really is a heaven.
总之把你们自我的性子都收一收
So just put your egos aside and-and just,
友善待人
you know... be good.
一直如此
Forever.
没错
Yes!
要一直友善 尤其是明天
Definitely forever. But especially tomorrow.
因为马科上学的问题还悬而未决
Because Marc's academic life hangs in the balance,
我们要证明
and we have to prove
我们是一个温暖 充满爱的大家庭
that we are a warm, loving family,
而不是一群恶霸
and not just a bunch of bullies.
爸爸 我能借你的锤子用用吗
Hey, Dad, can I borrow your hammer?
我得教训教训我想象中的朋友
My imaginary friend needs to be taught a lesson.
感觉怎么样
Hey, what do you think?
挺干净的 对吧
Pretty clean, right?
我把壁橱的门钉上了
I mean, I had to drill the closet door shut
因为它总是关不上 可以明天再解决它
'cause it wouldn't stay. But that's for tomorrow us.
很好 看我拿着什么
Nice. Look what I got.
没有什么比一块门垫更能体现家的温馨
Nothing says "warm, kind home" like a welcome mat.
好消息是 门垫有打折
Good news, it was on sale.
坏消息是 上面写着"欢迎来我们家共度圣诞"
Bad news, it says "Welcome to our ho ho home."
非常好 这样他会认为
That's perfect. He's gonna think
我们是全年都处在圣诞欢乐氛围的人
we're year-round Christmas people.
那些怪咖友善到离谱
Those freaks are nice to a fault.
妈 你的撒谎精女儿抄袭了我今晚的打扮
Mom, your deceitful daughter plagiarized my look for the night.
抄袭 这件高领衫是你从我抽屉里拿的
Plagiarized? You took that turtleneck out of my drawer.
你俩不是要跟对方比谁更友善吗
What happened to you two out-nice'ing each other?
那无聊的把戏我们已经玩腻了
That tiresome charade ran its course.
妮可要给我放洗澡水时我就恶心得演不下去
Yeah, it got weird when Nicole tried to draw me a bath.
沃克马上就要到了
Okay, Walker is going to be here any minute.
我现在没时间
I don't have time for your your fighting
搭理你们之间的争斗
and competing right now.
妮可穿高领衫 布莱恩穿卡其裤
Nicole gets the turtleneck, Brian gets the khakis,
谁都不许泡澡
no one gets a bath.
为什么他们每件事都搞得那么复杂
Why can't they ever just make anything easy?
这不很明显吗
Isn't it obvious?
我曾经就是恶霸 现在我养出了一军队恶霸
I was a bully, and now I'm raising an army of bullies.
军队我说不好
Well, I don't know about an army.
我觉得应该是一支精英特遣队
I'd say maybe an elite task force.
我本来只是担心马科 但现在每个都担心
I was just worried about Marc, but it's all of them.
就像是我刻薄的DNA和他们聪慧的大脑
It's like my mean DNA combined with their brains
混在一起把他们变成了欺负人的超级士兵
makes them bullying supersoldiers.
既然不能指望孩子们 那今晚