天才儿童

蕾拉 直接开门吧
Leila, just open the door.
收拾好行李
Pack your bags!
还有几句台词
Something else!
我忘了
I can't remember!
你们到底在干什么
What exactly is all this
为什么蕾拉穿得像个行李员
and why is Leila dressed like a bellhop?
我们给你们放一晚上的假
We got you a night away.
妮可入侵了你赌场的电脑系统
Nicole hacked the computer system at your casino
给你们订了一间免费套房♥
and we booked you a free suite.
等等 你 你黑进了你妈赌场的电脑系统
Sorry, you-you hacked Mom's casino?
你怎么能这么做
How could you do that...
竟然不选个更高级的地方
and not choose somewhere better?
你俩最近好像有点累
You both have seemed a little frazzled lately,
我们认为你们需要度个假 好好休息一下
so we thought some time away would be good for you.
我承认我们最近有些暴躁
I admit we have been a little on edge,
但我们不会把你们丢在家一整晚的
but we are not leaving you on your own overnight.
这话太侮辱人了
This is insulting.
我们不是小孩子
We are not children.
我们是天赋异禀的预备成年人
We are gifted preadults.
我们有足够能力照顾好自己
We are more than capable of being on our own.
如果我不够格照看小孩子
If I'm not qualified to watch some kids,
那学校里的女生为什么总说
then how come the girls at school keep telling me
我散发出"严肃老爸的气场"呢
I give off "serious dad vibes"?
即便你们不想这么做 就当为了我们好吗
If you won't do it for you, do it for us, okay?
你们就是我们的黑霉
You're our black mold.
但"消灭"你们是违法的
But it's illegal to exterminate you,
所以快接受这间该死的套房♥吧
so just take the damn suite.
我觉得我们可以去住一晚
I mean, I guess we could use it.
这对我们有好处
This could be good for us.
我们可以给自己充充电
We can recharge.
好了 孩子们
Okay. All right, guys.
我们接受你们的奖品
We will accept your prize.
谢谢
Thank you.
不过能不能告诉我们
Just so we know, though,
神秘之门后面到底有什么
um, what would have been behind the mystery door?
是浸了氯仿 能迷晕你们的毛巾
A washcloth soaked in chloroform.
不管选哪个 你们都会在那间酒店房♥间里醒来
You were waking up in that hotel room one way or another.
我们要出发了
So we're headed out.
你都按照保姆指南准备好了吗
You all set with the babysitter instructions?
嗯 不过这个指南是哪年的
Yeah, but how old are these?
"布莱恩喜欢听着克莱·艾肯的歌♥入睡
"Brian likes to fall asleep to Clay Aiken songs.
妮可喜欢听着鲁本·司徒亚特的歌♥入睡"
And Nicole likes to sleep to Ruben Studdard."
对哦
Uh, oh, right,
我们已经有十年没请过保姆了
we haven't had a babysitter in ten years
因为他们都怕了你们
because they're all scared of you.
好了 更新一下规矩
Okay, updated rules.
蕾拉要在9点前睡觉 不准吃糖
Uh, for Leila, in bed by 9:00, no candy.
至于马科 我不知道
And for Marc, I don't know--
如果他拿出一本布满蜘蛛网的书
if he opens a book covered in spiderwebs
还开始倒着读
and starts reading backwards,
就烧死他吧[女巫]burn him.
等等
W-W-Wait.
你们为什么只跟布莱恩交代这些
Why are these directed at Brian?
布莱恩最年长 所以由他看家
Brian is the oldest, he's in charge.
布莱恩 提防政♥变♥
Brian, watch out for coups.
妮可 不许搞政♥变♥
Nicole, no coups.
好了 如果我们明天回家
All right, uh, well, if we come back tomorrow
房♥子周围没拉警戒线
and there's no caution tape around the house,
也许我们就会信任你们 再让你们独处
maybe we'll trust you enough to do this again.
你知道真正看家的人是谁吧
You know who's really in charge.
你能搞定的 对吗
You got this, right?
到时我就找个不寻常的地方撒尿
I'll just pee somewhere weird.
那就够他们忙一阵了
That should keep them busy.
不愧是我的好女儿
That's my girl.
-拜拜 -拜拜 明天见
- Bye, guys. - Bye! See you later.
你最好有尊严地请辞
Resign with dignity
否则你的搜索记录 将会登上明年的圣诞贺卡
or your search history becomes next year's Christmas card.
我十分期待为您效力
I look forward to serving you.
赞啊
Whoa, nice.
这是我们重装过的房♥间
This is one of our remodeled rooms.
所有东西都是全新的...
All this stuff is brand-new...
说明这个房♥间里曾发生过一场惨剧
which means something terrible happened here.
对我们来说是好事
Well, worked out for us.
这个地方好赞啊
This place is awesome.
我都不知道先偷什么好了
I don't know what to steal first.
什么都别偷 所有东西上面都有墨水防盗扣
Nothing. Everything has ink tags.
还记得丽塔的头发变成蓝色了吗
Remember when Rita's hair was blue?
她不是想换个引人注目的发色
That wasn't a statement.
只是试图偷伞的时候染到墨水色了
She tried to walk out with an umbrella.
孩子们是对的 这正是我们所需要的
You know, the kids were right, this is exactly what we needed.
没有压力 没有责任
No stress, no responsibility.
-这就像一间在天上的地下室 -是啊
- It's like a basement in the sky. - Yeah.
没错 我已经觉得比之前放松了
Yeah, I feel more relaxed already.
我甚至都听不到你吵死人的脚步声了
I can't even hear your feet up here.
就是啊
I know!
你的声音也没那么...
And your voice totally isn't--
我带了点东西 会让今天晚上
And I brought something that's gonna make
更加美好
tonight even better...
泡泡浴液 因为我本来以为这是瓶香槟
Bubble bath, because I thought it was champagne.
还有...名人抽脂失败的八卦
And... botched celebrity lipo stories
你可以在我睡着之后看
for you to read after I pass out.
你真懂我
Aw. You know me.
今晚过后 我们要撑整整三周
Tonight has to last us three weeks,
所以我们要充分利用这一晚
so we have to make the most of it.
我想到一个好的开场活动
Well, I know of a good place to start.
妈的
Damn it!
我把包落在厨房♥了
I left my purse in the kitchen.
角色扮演啊
Role-play.
你很走运
Well, you are in luck
因为我是名正在出差的皮包销♥售♥员
'cause I'm a traveling purse salesman.
不是
No.
我真的把包落在厨房♥了
I really left my purse in the kitchen
里面有我的避孕药
and it has my birth control in it.
-我该回去拿 -不 别回家
- I-I should go and get it, right? - No, don't go home.
家是万恶之源
That's where the bad stuff is.
孩子们会看到你 然后用鸡毛蒜皮的事烦你
The kids will see you and suck you into their nonsense.
你说得对
You're right.
-我们用避孕套就好了 -算了
- We'll just use a condom. - You know what,
我还是快速回趟家 把你的包取回来
I'll just run home real fast and get your purse.
等等 麦克
Wait, Mike!
-万一被孩子缠住怎么办 -不会的
- What about getting sucked in by the kids? - Won't happen.
-我很有动力赶回这里 -好吧
- I'm very motivated to get back here. - Okay, just...
离开赌场时小心点
be careful leaving the casino.
我不想别人看到你 然后猜到我在这儿
I don't want someone to see you and know I'm here
或者我被拉去处理工作
or I'm gonna get dragged into some work thing.
别担心 我可会偷偷摸摸了
Don't worry, please. I am great at sneaking.
我高中一半时间都独自待在房♥间里
You don't spend half of high school alone in your room
假装自己是忍♥者 还不得学会两手
pretending to be a ninja and not pick up a few things.
-也许你应该... -我这就走
- Maybe you should just... - Yeah, I'm going.
-麦克 -什么
- Mike? - What?
丽塔 你好啊
Oh, Rita! Hey!
我刚才没看见你 你怎么样
I didn't see you there. How are you?
麦克 我的梦想是在百老汇唱歌♥
Well, Mike, my dream was to sing on Broadway,
现在我却在这照顾一帮醉鬼
and instead I'm here babysitting a bunch of lonely drunks,
所以我觉得一般
so I'm gonna say medium.
-凯在哪 -我没看见她
- Where's Kay? - I haven't seen her, so...
那你自己来这儿做什么
Then what are you doing here?
好吧 被你逮到了
Okay, um, you got me.
事实是...
The truth is...
我外遇了
I'm having an affair.
跟别人打炮那种