天才儿童

你是把"独♥裁♥者"这个词咽回去了吗
Are you trying not to say "dictator"?
不 我咽的是"伏地魔"
No, I was trying not to say "Voldemort."
不过
But...
我知道怎么才能帮妮可了
I think I know how we can help Nicole.
我们得让她输一次
We got to make her fail.
我不知道我们有没有批评过哪种教育方式
I'm not sure we ever landed on a parenting style,
但这种方式感觉是错的
but this feels like the wrong one.
听我说完 如果她现在在一些小事上输了
Okay, hear me out. If she loses at something small now,
我们在一旁挺她 那等她以后上了大学
while we're here to support her, it'll help her cope later
或者被蝙蝠侠毁容半张脸时[双面人]when she's at college, or...
就知道该怎么应对了
when Batman burns off half her face.
这就像是给她打一剂疫苗
So it's sort of like a vaccine.
没错 开始有点疼 但等大家都跳进肮脏的湖里时
Exactly. It hurts at first, but then you're the only kid
只有她不会得肝炎
in the dirty lake who doesn't get hepatitis.
但是有个问题
But there's a problem.
什么事才能让妮可输呢
What can we get Nicole to fail at?
没有她不擅长的事
She's good at everything.
别这么说 还是有的
Oh, come on. Not everything.
她不擅长...在听到愚蠢的提问时
She's bad at, um, hiding her disgust
隐藏她的鄙视
to stupid questions or, uh...
-我想到了 -我想到了一个更好的
- I think I got it. - I got something better.
你都没听我的想法 就对你的想法那么自信
So confident your idea's better without even hearing mine.
你说得对 对不起 你想到的是什么
You're right. I'm sorry. What's yours?
唬你一下而已 没有好主意
I was bluffing. It's terrible.
你们想让我报名赌场选美比赛
You want me to sign up for a casino beauty pageant?
跟我说实话 我不会生气的
Be honest. I won't be mad.
你们想找个沙特王子 把我卖♥♥了吗
Are you trying to sell me to a Saudi prince?
我们赌场临时决定要办的
My casino put it together last minute.
一开始是打算办狗狗选美大赛的
It was originally supposed to be a dog show,
但动物保护协会说场地
but the Humane Society said the building didn't meet
连狗最基本的安全都保证不了
the "minimum requirements for dog safety."
但却可以保证人的安全吗
But it's okay for people?
我不知道 又没有人类保护协会
Well, I don't know. There's not a Humane Society for people.
对了 届时仍可能有敏捷性比赛
Oh, heads up. There still might be an agility competition.
你擅长用嘴接飞盘吗
How good are you at catching a frisbee with your mouth?
我是我们班最厉害的
Best in my class.
我还是不明白这对我有什么好处
But I still don't understand how this benefits me.
我们觉得这可以在你大学申请书上
Well, we thought it would show a variety of interests
展示你兴趣广泛的一面
on your college application.
编程 辩论 语言学 哲学
Coding, debate, linguistics, philosophy,
博弈和加密经济学我都有涉猎 还不够吗
game theory and cryptoeconomics isn't a variety?
是已经很棒了 但如果在申请书上填
It's pretty good, but put "pageant winner"
"选美冠军" 他们就会知道你是个辣妹
on your application, they'll know you're hot.
如果他们要从漂亮的书呆和不一定漂亮的书呆里
And if they're choosing between hot nerd
二选一 他们一定会选漂亮的
and maybe-hot nerd, they'll go hot every time.
他们希望招生手册上的学生赏心悦目嘛
They have brochures to think about.
也许以后还会对你的从政生涯有帮助
Also, it could help your political career one day.
选美经验确实在中心区域很吃香
Pageant experience does play well in the heartland.
好吧 我参加
All right. I'll do it.
你们面前的就是下一任
You're looking at the next Miss Teen
大道38号♥出口豆蔻小姐
Exit 38 off the parkway.
但愿这个计划能成功
Oof, I hope this works.
反正如果失败了 我们还可以用你的方法
Uh, but if it doesn't, we can always try your idea.
我觉得不该用我的
I don't think we should.
是猎捕恐龙游戏
It's dinosaur hunter.
这地方可不是妮可的主场
Oof, this is not Nicole's scene.
要是这地方再来只嗜血的大兔子
If this place had a giant bloodthirsty rabbit
大学入学考试成绩还比她高
that scored higher than her on the SATs,
一定会成为妮可最可怕的噩梦
it would literally be her worst nightmare.
所有母狗站成一排...
All right, I need all the bitches to line up--
抱歉 我报名时它还是个狗狗选美比赛
I'm sorry, I signed up for this when it was still a dog show.
-丽塔 你负责这次活动吗 -没错
- Rita, you're working this? - Yeah.
姐们 由于没有足够的经费
Girl, and there is no budget for this thing, so I'm the emcee,
我既是主持人 又是安保还兼动物管♥理♥员♥
I'm security and apparently animal control
因为总有人不看邮件
'cause people don't read their damn e-mails.
先生 你得离开这儿
Sir, you need to leave!
你的狗在这儿不安全
Your dog is not safe here!
麦克
Uh, Mike?
妮可什么时候学的踢踏舞
When did Nicole learn how to tap dance?
我觉得她是昨天晚上才学的
I think she just learned last night.
她怎么就跳得这么好了
How is she so good already?
她是不是吃了一个踢踏舞者的心脏
Did she eat the heart of a tap dancer?
我们是不是做错了
Did we make a mistake?
她会输掉这场比赛的 对吧
I mean, she is going to lose this thing, right?
今天我要用踢踏舞来诠释
Today I will be doing a tap interpretation
1858年林肯与道格拉斯的辩论
of the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858.
她死定了 我们要成功了
She is so screwed. We'll be fine.
台上的是我女儿
That's my daughter.
她马上就要被碾压了
She's gonna get destroyed.
迷迭香骑士吃掉了藏红花小兵
Rosemary knight take saffron pawn.
不行 这给了辣椒粉可乘之机
No, but that leaves it open for the damn paprika!
马科到处找你 你是在躲他吗
Marc is looking for you. Are you hiding?
当然没有 我是个成熟的人
No. I'm a grown man.
我才不会躲起来
I don't hide.
-好吧 马科 他在... -他会发现我的
- Okay. Marc, he's in... - He'll find me.
我不能再一次输给马科了
No, I can't lose to Marc again,
但我想不出如何才能赢他
but I can't figure out how to beat him.
他总能比我领先五步[台阶]He's always five steps ahead.
有招了 我把他扔下台阶就行了
That's it. I'll throw him down the steps.
有时我不知道该用哪一根蜡笔
Sometimes when I don't know what crayon to use,
我就会做些别的事情
I do something else,
该选的那只蜡笔就会突然出现在我脑海里
and the right color just pops into my head.
不 解决问题的唯一方法是
No. The only way to solve a problem
集中精力钻研它直到解决出来 或者被逼疯
is to obsess over it till you solve it or go insane.
我觉得你已经疯了
Yeah, I think you're already there.
你还没走 老头
It's still your move, old man.
好吧 赶紧下完得了
Okay, let's get this over with.
他现在不能和你下棋 因为他要和我玩
He can't play chess because he has to play with me.
没错 就是这样
Yes. Th-That's right.
我得陪蕾拉玩
I have to play with Leila.
我也很想在棋局上打败你
You know, I'd love to defeat you,
-但我和蕾拉说好了要玩... -小马和独角兽
- but I told Leila we'd play... - Ponies and unicorns.
小马和独角兽
Ponies and unicorns.
这就是我一直渴望的智力挑战
Yep, that's the intellectual challenge I crave.
-我们去马厩 -它们住在天上的啊
- To the stables. - They live in the clouds.
走就是了
Let's just go.
胡椒研磨器吃掉辣椒粉
Pepper mill takes chili flakes.
将死
Checkmate.
第一天比赛日对妮可来说真是艰难
Oof, tough first day for Nicole.
我最喜欢的部分就是
My favorite part was
她管美国小姐叫 "资本主义最高级的妓♥女♥"
when she called Miss America "capitalism's fanciest whore."
没错
Yep.
明天的这个时候
By this time tomorrow,
我们就是大输家的骄傲父母了
we will be the proud parents of a huge loser.
她会心碎崩溃的
She is gonna be devastated.
我们刚才是在举杯庆祝女儿的难过吗
Did we really just clink about our daughter being sad?
不 我们是在庆祝我们的计划成功了
No. We clinked about our plan working.
这就是我们的目标啊
It's what we wanted.
不 我知道 但是...现在计划进行得顺利
No, I know, but... now that it's happening,
让我感觉这样的目标有点怪怪的
it kind of feels like a weird thing to want.
明天我们的小女儿
I mean, are we really happy
就要受到打击 我们真的为此感到高兴吗
our little girl's gonna get crushed tomorrow
她还得面对着数百个陌生观众
in front of hundreds of strangers
站在不适合狗狗的舞台上呢
on a stage unfit for dogs?
是不至于高兴啦 但这是疫苗啊
Well, I wouldn't say happy, but it's the vaccine thing.
是为了她好
It's for her own good.
没有家长想看到自己的孩子难过
No parent ever wants to see their child sad,
我们现在却竭尽全力让她难过
and now we've gone out of our way to make it happen.
也许我们该叫停这件事
Maybe we should pull the plug.
我们最不该教妮可的就是叫停[拔呼吸机]The last thing we want to teach Nicole is how to pull the plug,
因为等我们老了一定会自食恶果
because that will definitely come back to haunt us.
不 亲爱的 拜托