错乱人生（2020）

我回来了 亲爱的
I'm back, baby,
这次我想要退款
and this time I want a refund.
错乱人生
第一季 第二集
你能咋地
你肯定从没想过还能见到我吧
Bet you never thought you'd see me again.
有什么需要帮忙的
How can I assist you?
我想要退钱
I want my money back.
显然不是全款
Not all of it, obviously.
我觉得你搞错了
I think you might be mistaken.
就退700块吧
Maybe just ￡700.
你有收据吗
Do you have a receipt?
因为扯了个口子 几个口子
Because of the rip. Rips.
不 我没有收据 因为我哭着跑出商店的
No, I don't have a receipt, because I ran out of the shop crying.
-天啊 -我妈特意回来付了钱
- Oh, my God. - My mum had to come back and pay for the dress
因为我还穿在身上
because I was still wearing it.
我认识你
I know you.
我上过几期《一周讽刺秀》
I've been on Mock The Week.
他们拿你做的案例研究
They teach you as a case study.
什么
What?
培训时
In training.
你是我们的最糟情况
You are our worst case scenario.
我以为我早放下前任了
I thought that I was over my ex
因为我们十五年前就分手了
because we broke up a decade and a half ago,
从那以后 我跟他五个朋友上了床
and since then I've had sex with over five of his friends.
但最近的事情...
But recent events...
*因为我已心碎*
*Cos I'm already broken*
*我的心*
*My heart...*
*我正在死去*
*I'm dying*
*我正在死去*
*I'm dying...*
*我正在死去*
*I'm dying...*
*我正在死去*
*I'm dying...*
显示我可能还在疗伤阶段
..Suggest that I might still be nursing some issues.
你当时出门追他时真被车撞了吗
Is it true you got run over chasing after him?
不 我在一辆车前摔倒了
No. Oh. I fell over in front of a car.
真丢人
So embarrassing.
并没有 他应该没看到
Not really. I don't think he saw.
总之 我要退款
Anyway, my refund.
我没办法
I can't.
求你了
Please.
这是件又脏又烂的裙子 而且差不多有五十年了吧
It's a dirty, ripped-up dress and nearly, what, 50 years old?
十五年 我还没六十岁呢
15! I'm not in my 60s, am I?
-显然啊 -随你说吧 我能拍个合照吗
- Clearly. - If you say so. Can I get a selfie?
不 听着 我花了好长时间
No. Look, it took a long time for me
才找到勇气回到这里
to get the confidence to come back here
回到一切发生的地方
to where it all happened and...
该死 该死
Shit. Shit.
一个新娘看到另一个新娘不吉利
Bad luck for a bride to see another bride.
我真勇敢
That was very brave of me.
我不要再逃避自己的感情了
I'm not running away from my feelings any more.
那不是感情
That's not feelings.
那是我妹
That's my sister.
我已经把她从我生活剔除了 因为她背叛了我
I've cut her out of my life because she betrayed me.
她都背叛了我
They ALL betrayed me.
她们跟克雷格练尊巴练了几个月
They've been going to Zumba with Craig for MONTHS
明知道他伤我有多深
when they know how much he hurt me.
我知道这在你看来可能没什么大不了
This might not seem like a big deal to you,
但这位未婚夫
but this is the fiance
可是看到我试婚纱 然后心想
who saw me trying on my wedding dress and thought,
"我知道了 我要甩了她"
"I know. I'll dump her."
克雷格 这一切的罪魁祸首
Craig, the one who made me like this.
我都忘了我穿着什么
I forgot what I was wearing.
卡罗尔 你回来了
Carol? You're back?
你好 瓦内萨
Oh, hello, Vanessa.
如果你换完了 我...
If you're done in there, I'll...
去吧 都是你的了
Oh, go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All yours.
-抱歉 -小心点
- Sorry. - Whatcha.
我本来很担心呢 我以为你不跳尊巴了
Well... I was worried. I thought you quit Zumba.
不
Oh, no.
你去别处练了吗 卡罗尔
Have you been elsewhere, Carol?
没事的 你可以告诉我
It's all right. You can tell me. I mean...
又不是你背着我出轨了
It's not like you're cheating on me behind me back.
说到这里 丹尼斯还没有出现
Speaking of which, Dennis has still not turned up.
我确实跟克雷格练尊巴来着 不过都结束了
I did go to Zumba with Craig, but that's all over now.
我不得不保证再也不回去
I've had to promise never to go back.
别为我担心 亲爱的
don't worry about it on my account, love.
我只是担心你 知道吗
I'm just worried about YOU. You know?
你得坚持不懈 卡罗尔
You've got to keep it up, Carol.
尤其你这个年纪
Especially at your age.
不过你看着棒极了
Although you look fine, by the way.
谢谢你 瓦内萨
Oh, thank you, Vanessa.
这对我意义重大
That means a lot.
我只有出去跑步时才允许自己进食饼干
Yeah. Well, I'm only letting myself have biscuits, cake or wine
蛋糕或者酒
when I'm out running.
真聪明
That's clever.
显然我总撒掉一大半
I spill quite a lot, obviously.
天才
Genius.
所以卡路里也减半
So, half the calories.
露西要结婚了
Lucy's getting married.
我准备了照片什么的
Yeah, so I've got the photos and that,
我前夫也会去
and my ex-husband's going to be there.
你在做腹仇者练习吗
Are you doing a revenge body?
不不 我只想对自己感觉良好
No. No. I just want to feel good about myself...
看上去很苗条 以至于大家都担心
..And look so thin that everyone's worried.
你的腹仇者身材
Your revenge body.
那应该能让他滚蛋
That'll teach him to F off
让你自己养大这几个孩子了
and leave you raising them kids by yourself.
30年才复仇是不是太晚了点
Is 30 years a bit long for revenge?
不 冷掉味道更佳
No, it's a dish best served cold.
就像西班牙冻汤
Like gazpacho.
一个又冷又热的身体
A cold, hot body.
几年前就应该搞这腹仇者的
Should have done a revenge body years ago.
不 这才刚被发明出来
No, it's only just been invented.
好了女孩们 都站这干嘛 去换衣服
Right, girls! Why is everyone standing around? Get changed.
一起尊巴吧
Let's Zumba!
这一款的问题就是形状
The problem with this style is the shape.
不 我喜欢这形状
No, I like the shape.
我是指你的体形
I meant yours.
我的
Mine?
你的"梨"
Your pear.
它们怎么了
What about them?
梨 上窄下宽
Pear - bottom heavy, small up top.
确实很小了
Very small indeed.
跟儿童一样
Like a child.
我们必须转移注意
We have to distract attention.
我们得引导来宾的目光
We have to lead the eye.
我们来骗大家忘掉你的缺陷
Let's trick people into forgetting your flaws.
把这藏住 提起这里
Hide this, raise here.
腹部收到这
Yank it all in here.
也许背部再加一个披风
And perhaps a nice cloak at the back.
-披风 -披风
- A cloak? - Cloak.
即将发生的事就是我们冲出去 然后一小时后回来
What happens now is we storm out and we come back in an hour
带着好多袋子上面写着"巨大的错误 错极了"
with lots of bags saying "Big mistake, huge!"
我要报♥警♥了
I'm calling the police.
凭什么 扔垃圾吗
About what? Glittering?
我想看看你们的披风
I'd like to see you cloaks, please.
不行 她对你很粗鲁
No way! She was fucking rude to you.
她是专业人员
She's a professional.
你们是神秘顾客吗 这是培训吗
Are you mystery shoppers? Is this training?
你猜怎么着 你是我的最坏情况
Do you know what, mate? You're MY worst-case scenario.
我想看看你们店里最漂亮的披风
I would like to see your most flattering cloaks.
那是什么 《婚礼进行曲》吗