错乱人生（2020）

但却很模糊
But it's faint.
那是16年多以前的事了
It was over 16 years ago.
我一直在长大 尽管我都没有存在过
I'm growing up, even though I didn't happen.
没错 明白了吗
That's right. OK?
什么叫"哪种早餐"
What do you mean what kind of breakfast?
评论是怎么说的
Well, what did the review say?
就说"真的真的好吃"
It just said, "Really, really good."
三个词的评论
Three-word review,
《卫报》也开始搞这么简短的评论了 是吧
they've started doing that in The Guardian, have they?
其实有一篇非常有趣的长文
There was an interesting article, actually.
我快饿死了
I'm so hungry!
讲的是有些男人在女方怀孕时感觉被冷落无视了
About how some men can feel left out of their pregnancy.
好吧 你能帮我保存一份这文章吗
Right, would you, erm, save me a copy of that?
-没问题 -我回头可以用来擦屁♥股♥
- Sure. - Yeah, so I can wipe my arse with it later.
是网上的文章
It was online.
在国民生育课上
You know, at the NCT class,
-他们都以为我们是同志伴侣 -所以呢
- they thought that we were a gay couple. - So?
我不够酷 不够资格当同性恋
Well, I'm not cool enough to be gay.
有些女人问我有没有不错的激♥情♥酒吧推荐
Some woman asked me if I knew any happening clubs,
我脑子一片空白 然后说"乐购超♥市♥"
and I just blanked and said, "Tesco's".
下次你不必跟斯特凡一起去
Well, next time, you don't have to go with Stefan.
-你确定吗 -是啊 你一个人去就行了
- Are you sure? - Yeah, just go by yourself.
怎么停下了 我需要吃东西
Why have we stopped? I need to eat.
我们已经到了
We're here.
惊喜哦
Surprise!
这都是我安排的
I arranged all this!
你骗我说要来吃早餐的
You lied about breakfast.
迎婴派对快乐
Happy baby shower!
我想着这会很 温馨
I thought this would be...nice.
我已经来了 所以你可以走了
I'm here now, so you can go.
迎婴派对快乐
Happy shower!
-有东西吃吗 -有酒喝
- Is there any food? - Drinks!
早上8:30
剩余时间:一个半小时
还需消费:292.5英镑
来杯鸡尾酒吧 有最低消费额的
Have a cocktail, go on! There's a minimum spend.
快买♥♥吧 你不是非得喝
Just buy it. You don't have to drink it.
嗨
Hi.
妈妈都他妈快累坏了
Mummy's fucking tired.
你...
Do...?
-你是想留在派对上 还是回车里等着 -车里
- Do you want to stay at the party or wait in the car? - Car.
你不能回车里 滚去享受派对吧
Well, you can't. Just go and enjoy the party.
-你怎么会来这里 -妈妈的功劳
- How come you're here? - Mum.
我跟你说过了 我不会邀请你的
I told you, you weren't invited!
纠正一下 那是她跟我说的
To be fair, that's what she told me,
时间和地点也是她告诉我的
and the time, and the address.
我真是太高兴我来了
I am so glad I came.
我必须亲眼见到这屎一样的场面
I needed to see this shit shambles with my own eyes.
你才是屎
You're a shit shambles.
我们能不能谈谈你当伴郎的事
Can we just talk about you being best man?
现在不是时候 露西
Not now, Lucy.
我现在是个超棒的派对女主人
I'm being an incredible hostess!
如果你要留下 是有最低消费额的
And if you're staying, there's a minimum spend!
莎拉 我还非得花钱才能留下吗
Sara, I would have to drink to stay here.
这有什么问题
What's wrong with it?
我觉得我做了一件很棒的事
I think I did a really nice thing,
-大家都该恭喜我 -借过 抱歉
- and everyone should be congratulating me. - Excuse me, sorry.
对了 别让玛丽躺在舞池地上
Oh, yeah. Don't let Marie lie on the dance floor.
上面有些碎玻璃 我觉得是玻璃
There's some broken glassy stuff. I think it's glass.
你怎么会认识这么多当妈的
How do you know all these mums?
我不认识 我在图书馆贴了个便利贴说
I don't. I put up a Post-it in the library saying that
有天线宝宝的免费演出
there's a free show with a Teletubby.
-莎拉 -我没撒谎啊
- Sara! - I wasn't lying.
他以前好像就是演红色的那个天线宝宝
I think he used to be inside the red one.
是叫迪西吗
Is it Dipsy?
早上8:45
剩余时间:1小时15分钟内
还需消费:286.5英镑
-是有人在追你吗 -我要撒尿
- Is someone chasing you? - I need a wee!
-去吧 快去 -你能不能...
- Go, go! - Can you...?
好的
Yes.
你会觉得这无与伦比的
You're going to find this is like nothing...
天呐 妈
Oh, my God. Mum!
她根本就没有母爱 不是吗
She's not maternal, is she?
不是
No.
上午9:00
剩余时间:1小时
还需消费:205.16英镑
你是不是已经决定了这不适合你
Did you just decide it's not for you?
不适合你
Not for you?
我有三个孩子
I've had three.
反正我不喜欢
Oh, I don't like them.
大概你是想将精力都用在事业上吧
I suppose you wanted to concentrate on your career.
我不喜欢这种牛奶的气味
I don't like the milky smell.
那简直是我做过的最了不起的事
It's the best thing I've ever done!
现在我觉得自己是个完整的女人了
Look, I feel like a full woman now.
真的 酸奶无法让我饱腹
Yeah, yogurts don't fill me up.
这是你从家里带来的吗
Did you bring that from home?
还有吗 能给我一杯吗
Have you got any more? Can I have one?
你玩得开心吗
Are you enjoying yourself?
你在开玩笑吗 这简直是最可怕的噩梦
Are you serious? It's my worst nightmare.
抱歉 姐们儿
Sorry, mate.
不 没事的 就快结束了
No, it's fine. It's nearly over.
我会切一下蛋糕 然后...
I'll just do the cake, and then...
不好意思 我以为这是你想要的呢
Sorry, I thought this is what you wanted.
我不想待在一群当妈的中间
I don't want to be around mums.
我还以为你可以跟她们聊聊呢
I thought you could chat to them,
多懂一些我帮不到你的那些事
you know, that stuff I can't help you with.
我跟这些人没有任何共同点
I have nothing in common with these people.
谢谢
Oh, thank you!
上午9:30
剩余时间:半小时
还需消费:105.43英镑
好了 各位 都看着我
That's it! Everybody, look at me!
这边 大家都停下 注意听我说
Over here now! If you could just give me your attention!
认真听 认真看 拜托
Eyes and ears, please!
各位... 把音乐声调小点
Everybody... Turn the music down!
直接关掉吧
Turn it off.
好了 各位都看着我
That's it. Everybody, look at me!
是时候吃蛋糕了 都聚过来吧
Time for the cake! Gather round!
接下来 请注意 将揭晓重大事项
Please, may I have your attention for the big reveal?
你要揭晓什么啊 我都没告诉你是什么性别
What are you revealing? I haven't told you what it is!
蛋糕自然知道
The cake knows.
孩子将是...
It is going to be a...
白色的
..white!
别为白色欢呼
Don't cheer whiteness!
这是个小反转 对吧
That's a bit of a twist, isn't it?
怎么会是白色的
How will it be white?
-斯蒂夫啊 -别老忘了斯蒂夫
- Oh, Steve! - Stop forgetting about Steve!
别再对我发火了
Stop having a go at me!
这都是因为斯蒂夫
This is because of Steve.
他跟我说你害怕了
He told me you were scared.
办这场派对本来是为了让你...
And this is supposed to be...
叫你的孩子别掐我的屁♥股♥了
Tell your kid to stop pinching my arse!
-安心 -我没有害怕
- ..comforting. - I'm not scared.
有什么我能帮到你的吗
Is there anything I can do to help?
想到这点肯定很奇怪
Oh, it must be weird thinking,
"我身体里有个很大的东西
"There's this big thing inside me
我需要把它挤出来"
"and I need to push it out."
不是这个原因
It's not that.
我不担心生产的事 只是...
I'm not worried about the birth. It's...
就像...
Like...
等孩子出生后 我就...
When it's born, after that, like...
我就成为妈妈了
I'm a mum.
当妈的都很垃圾
And they're so rubbish.
但你不会跟这些混♥蛋♥一样
But you won't be like these prats.