成功镇凶案（2015）

我一个在邮局工作的老友
an old friend of mine who works at the Post Office.
很容易弄混
An easy mistake to make.
该死 该死 该死的
Bloody, bloody, bloody hell!
你刚刚才觉得一切都好极了
One moment you think everything's terrific,
然后就发生这样的事
then something like this comes along
给你迎头一击
and knocks you for bloody six.
我懂 老家伙
I know, you senile old geezer.
这位 顺便一提 是Deborah Meaden - 你好
Oh, this, by the way, is Deborah Meaden. - Hello.
我的新同事 你愿意的话可以叫她Debbie或者Debs
My new sidekick. Or call her Debbie or Debs if that's easier.
请叫我Deborah 谢谢
Deborah would be lovely, thank you.
我太开心了
What larks!
你当过童子军吗 像我一样
Did you used to be a Scout, like me?
哦 所以这是个童子军制♥服♥吗
Oh... Oh, so this is a Scout uniform?
是的 - 好吧 我没当过童子军 因为我是个女孩
Yeah. - Ah, OK, I've never been a Scout, because I'm a girl.
哦 是吗 - 嗯
Oh, really? - Mmm.
哦 哦
Oh, oh.
我喜欢当童子军 你知道 那些冒险
Because I love being a Scout, cos you know, the adventure
还有 那些 你知道 那些 呃
and the, you know, the, er...
那个 那些领巾圈
the, er...the woggle.
领巾圈 当然 - 领巾圈 领巾圈
The woggle, of course. - The woggle. The woggle.
行了 别再说这些废话了
All right, that's enough of the Kumbaya shit.
我们是为了谋杀案来的
We're here about murder!
很好 我对她在乎极了 她是个很棒的女孩
Oh, good. I thought the world of her, she was a terrific girl
而且我觉得你应该知道
and I suppose you ought to know,
我正准备向她求婚
I was going to ask her to marry me.
该死
Oh, dammit!
这个周末 我很确定她会答应我的
This weekend, and I'm sure she would have said yes.
我现在都不知道该怎么办了 这些难以承受的悲伤
I don't know what to do, you know, with the grief.
如果我是你 老朋友
If I was you, old friend,
我会 我不知道 拼了命地嗑药
I'd... I don't know, take a shit tonne of drugs,
可♥卡♥因♥ K他命 也许能让你微笑
cocaine, ketamine, might put a smile on your face.
这简直是我所听过
That is the worst piece of
安慰人最糟糕的建议了
advice I've heard for a grieving individual.
Meaden 闭嘴
Meaden, shut up.
她真是个调皮的小男孩 是吧
She's a cheeky little boy, isn't she?
没错 她就是个调皮的小伙子 泰国是个好去处
Yes, she's a cheeky little fella. Thailand's a good place to go.
但是 - 那儿的人思想开放 你去过泰国没
But... - They're open minded. Have you been to Thailand?
我们是不是该开始盘问关于谋杀案的事了
Perhaps we could start asking about the murder?
是的 你 到底谁说了算
Right, you... Who is running this operation?
你在教 是你在教我 - 哦 你还想学么
You're teaching... You are teaching me. - Oh, you want to learn?
我在观摩 你是探长
I'm looking, you are the detective.
好的 你还想学 - 你就
OK, you want to learn. - You just...
好了 Johnson 你之前跟Gaga做过爱吗
Right, Johnson, had you and Gaga had sex before?
我们 呃 在想象中 - 你们之前做过没有
We... Well, imaginary... - Had you had sex before?
没做过 就 - 做过没有
No, just... - Had you had sex before?
没有 我们只是爱抚 - 到底做过没有
No, we were just touching. - HAD YOU HAD SEX BEFORE?
就隔着衣服爱抚 - 究竟做没做 日没日到
Touching outside clothes. - Had you done it? Had you made love?
有没有做♥爱♥ - 没有 没有
Have you had sex? - No. No.
好
Good.
记一下 他们没做过爱 - 我拒绝
Write that no, they didn't have sex. - No.
Meaden 麻烦你推他散散步
Meaden, take him for a walk. Please.
麻烦你大力推我一把 然后
Would you mind giving me a quick push and then...
加把劲 Meaden 你可以的 - 棒小伙
Go on, Meaden, you can do it. - There's a good lad.
棒小伙 就推这儿 棒小伙
There's a good lad, just down there, there's a good boy.
就是这样 棒小伙
Yes, good boy.
是姑娘
Girl.
小伙 - 姑娘
Boy. - Girl.
小伙 停下
Boy. Stop!
嘿 瞧瞧我在他包里发现了什么
Hey, look what I found in his bag.
几个火腿芥末三明治
Some ham and mustard sandwiches.
还有一些有意思的东西 一封信
There's also some other interesting things. A letter.
好吧 等下 - 这特么是什么 什么鬼
Oh, no, OK, hold on. - What the hell's this, what is this?
那是个单片眼镜
That's a monocle.
如果这是个处方镜片 那一定是
If it's got a prescription lens in it, it's bound to be...
等一下 你不能随便拿他的东西啊
Hold on a minute, you can't just take his stuff.
天呐 我的妈呀
Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!
把信读一下 Meaden
Read the letter, Meaden.
"亲爱的上校 我知道你想要向我求婚"
"My dear Colonel, I know you intend to ask for my hand.
"我恳求您不要冲动"
"I implore you to resist that urge,
"否则您只会失望"
"For you will only be disappointed."
看来死去的Gaga女士
Well, looks like old Lady Gaga is what
就是我们警界所说的"骚浪贱"啊
we call in the police force a cock tease.
你真觉得他对女人感性趣吗
Do you honestly think he's interested in girls?
女人站到他眼前他似乎都认不出来
He doesn't seem to recognise a girl when he sees one.
我来告诉你我们该怎么做
I tell you what I think we should do.
我们应该把他的东西放回去 我说真的 放回去
We should return his items... Seriously, put that back.
我知道了 别碰我 Meaden
OK. Get off me, Meaden!
我是认真的 - Meaden 别碰我
I'm serious! - Meaden, get off me.
那些东西不是你的 - Meaden
They're not yours. - Meaden!
不是你的 - 别闹
They're not yours. - Come on.
东西哪去了 你得放回去 - Meaden
Where are they? They're going back. - Meaden!
你很自豪么
Are you proud of yourself?
我是很自豪
I am proud of myself.
正如我的屁♥股♥ 案件开始变得危险(本意多毛的)
Like my bum, this case was getting hairy,
另外还有两个人有嫌疑
and there were still two suspects to consider.
一个是形迹可疑的管家 暗中观察我们的一举一动
The suspicious butler, watching our every move,
一个是长♥期♥卧床的Nicki Minaj姨妈
and bedridden aunt Nicki Minaj
看 这儿简直是个性感墓穴
Look at this, it's some kind of sexy tomb.
这让我想起了前妻
Reminds me of my ex-wife.
灰尘满布 烟雾缭绕 奇臭无比
Dusty, smoky and smelly.
这是什么
What's this?
你来看看
Have a look.
她睡着了吗
She asleep?
我也不知道她是睡了还是死了
I don't know, asleep or dead.
"早日康复"
"Get well soon."
好了 看看她是不是还活着
OK, see if she's alive.
我确认了Gaga的死活 现在轮到你了
I checked Gaga, so it's your turn now.
好 好的
Ok. Ok.
哦 我的妈呀
Oh, my... Argh!
抱歉 你们是谁啊
I'm so sorry. Who are you?
你作什么妖啊
Why are you doing that
差点被你吓出心脏病
when people here could have heart complaints?
对不起 - 你什么毛病啊
I'm so sorry. - What's wrong with you?
我不记得了
I can't remember.
我不知道 我很久没见过人了 你们是真人吗
I don't know, I haven't seen people for so long, are you real?
是的 我们是真人 坐下吧 Meaden
Yes, we're real. Take a seat, Meaden.
天呐
Oh, my goodness!
别动 给我五秒钟
Wait there, give me five seconds...
我真觉得屎拉裤裆里了
I actually think I've shit myself.
别跟我说什么屎尿屁
Don't talk to me about shitting myself,
老娘在床上躺了八年了
I've been in bed for eight years.
我去 - 你为什么呆在这儿
Oh, Christ. - Why are you here?
都因为我的疯外甥女Gaga 她说我疯了
Because my crazy niece, Gaga, says I'm crazy myself,
所以我必须呆在这儿 照她说的做
so I've gotta stay down here, I've gotta do what Gaga says,
我恨Gaga 恨死她了 我想离开这儿
and I hate Gaga, I hate Gaga, I want to go away,
我想跟你们一起走 你们会带我离开吗
I want to come away with you, will you take me away?
Jay-Z说我们可以走
Jay-Z says we can come and
只要等他拿到护照 我们就走
when he sorts out his passport, we gotta go.
你觉得她哪儿有问题
What do you think's wrong with her?
我只希望她能喘口气
I just wanted her to breathe.
你觉得她是不是发什么病了
Do you think she's having some sort of episode?
她把我虐惨了
She is such a monster to me!
她是个怪兽 - 好了 好了
She's a monster! - It's OK, it's OK.
我恨Gaga - 没事了
I hate Gaga! - It's OK...
我恨Gaga 不 我爱Gaga 不 我恨她
I hate Gaga, no, I love Gaga, no, I hate her...
Nicki Nicki 冷静 Nicki
Nicki, Nicki! Chill out, Nicki!
啊 Meaden Meaden Meaden
Argh! Meaden, Meaden, Meaden!
你们俩能不能别胡闹了
Will you two stop mucking around?
我们还有谋杀案要侦破呢
We've got a murder mystery to solve here.
Meaden Meaden - 帮我 救救我
Meaden, Meaden, - help! Help me,