丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

各位 这就是约会
This, folks, is dating.
这就是在纽约市作为一名男同性恋约会的真实写照
This is what it is to date as a gay man in New York City.
你走出家门 来到路边 捡起一坨热气腾腾的狗屎
You head outta your house, you get to the curb, you pick up a steaming pile of shit,
带着它晃悠了大概20分钟
you walk around with it for about 20 minutes,
然后把它扔回该去的垃圾桶里
and then you toss it back in the trash where it belongs.
不过过去几周倒是有一段小火慢炖的浪漫
Though, over the last few weeks, there has been a nice little slow burn.
查理
Charlie.
这其实是他第一次约会的点子
This was actually his first date idea.
遛狗 喝咖啡 挺可爱的 于是有了第二次约会——看电影
Walk the pup, get some coffee, it was cute, and that led to a second date, movie date,
那家影院简直离我们俩的公♥寓♥远到离谱
which seemed to be in a theater as far away from our apartments as possible.
害我错过了常规的二次约会验货环节
And that destroyed the opportunity for my typical second date dick inspection.
所以要是我们离我公♥寓♥近点
So, were we closer to my apartment-
现在我就该想办法扒光你了
Then I'd be trying to get you naked right now.
没错 - 正是
Exactly. - Exactly.
所以这反而是好事因为——
So, that's a bad thing because-
因为我想要长久发展的机会
'Cause I want a real shot at longevity.
你不想吗?
Don't you?
说真的 这话又甜又正确
You know, that was sweet and honestly correct.
但讽刺的是 我下面都快湿得打颤了
Ironically, though, I had my hole practically twitching
因为天呐 这太性感了
'cause, goddamn, that's hot.
转眼到第三次约会 我们开始聊些正经话题
Cut to a third date where we started to get into some real shit.
比如感情史
Like relationship history.
上一段认真的谈了五年 几年前分手了
Last major one was for five years, ended a few years ago,
之后我一直在认真思考自己到底想要什么样的关系
and I've been spending time really concentrating on what I want out of a relationship
并且有意识地约会
and dating intentionally.
假设性的"变装皇后"图书馆挑战解读
Hypothetical "Drag Race" library challenge reads.
丹尼 我看你做了些整形手术
Danny, I see you've had some work done.
我要是你 就去蒂华纳把钱要回来
If I were you, I'd Tijuana my money back.
好吧查理 你真是个饥渴的胖荡♥妇♥ 每次你说需要面包时
All right, Charlie, you are such a fat slut, that when you say you need bread,
我都分不清你是饿了还是发♥情♥了
I don't know if you're hungry or horny.
家族病史
Family history.
妈妈两年前去世了 我和我爸实在处不来
Mom passed away two years ago and my dad and I really don't get along.
噢 听到这个我很难过
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
有兄弟姐妹吗? 没 就我一个
Any siblings? Nope, just me.
真♥他♥妈♥谢天谢地
Thank fucking God.
目前还算顺利吧?
So far so good, right?
当然这不代表我们没吵过架
Well, that's not to say we didn't have our fair share of disagreements.
听着 做事分正确方式、错误方式、还有——
Listen, there's the right way, the wrong way, and-
珍妮薇方式
The Janeway.
咱们先说清楚
Let's get one thing straight.
舰长正确排名只能是皮卡德 西斯科 柯克 然后珍妮薇 新派克 肖
The only correct order of captains is Picard, Sisko, Kirk, then Janeway, New Pike, Shaw,
最后才是烂剧里那些杂鱼
and then all the ones from the bad shows.
好吧 至少快乐过
Well, it's fun while it lasted.
所以 你讨厌女人?
So, you hate women?
哇哦!
Wow!
没错 - 这是我们第一次吵架?
Yeah. - Is this is our first fight?
如果是的话 我倒是知道个好办法和好
Well, if so, I can think of a good way to make up.
嗯
Hmm.
可惜啊 我只换来一场火♥辣♥湿吻和顺手摸了把屁♥股♥
Unfortunately, all I got was a super hot make-out and some light ass grabbing.
后者让我有机会亲自做了番调查 嗯 挺有戏
The latter of which allowed me to do an investigation of my own, and, well, promising.
相当有戏
Very promising.
等我这支潜力股被人抢♥购♥时 你会伤心吗?
So, are you gonna be sad when I'm off the market?
这种可能性渺小到根本不值得考虑
Too remote of a possibility to even consider.
哦 你马上就会为这句话打脸的
Oh, you're about to eat those words.
为啥?
Why?
和谁发展顺利了?
Things going well with someone?
没错 相当顺利
Yeah, very well.
我觉得下次约会就能一锤定音了
I actually think the next date might seal the deal.
噫!
Ew!
别冲我发火啊
Don't be mad at me.
你眼光可真差
You choose poorly.
至少你不将就
At least you don't settle.
噢!
Oh!
哦 你只是想独占我罢了
Oh, you just want me for yourself.
要不是你这副混♥蛋♥德性 我可能会觉得受宠若惊
I would be flattered if you weren't an asshole about it.
行吧 你爱怎么自我安慰都行
Okay, whatever you need to tell yourself.
真不懂你怎么还能保持希望
I don't know how you stay hopeful.
你总把自己往失望的坑里推
You always set yourself up for disappointment.
要说当个令人失望的专家...
Well, if anyone knows anything about being a disappointment...
不然我还能怎样?
I mean, what's my other choice?
变成一台没有感情的性♥爱♥机器?
Become an emotionally unavailable fuck machine?
周一我要出差离城
Okay, I'm leaving town Monday for work.
如果你想再骑这台性♥爱♥机器 只能是周六或周日晚上
If you want another ride on this fuck machine, it's gotta be Saturday or Sunday night.
不然?
Or?
为什么不能兼得?
Why not and?
哦 现在是谁想要谁了?
Oh, now who wants who?
好吧 都不要
Fine, none.
而且
And.
而且 因为我是个他妈的的白♥痴♥ 这意味着我和查理的周六约会
And, because I'm a complete fucking moron, that meant that my Saturday date with Charlie,
我完全忘了这茬 只能在白天进行 也就是说我们最后
which I forgot about, had to be during the daytime, which meant that the chances
上♥床♥的几率微乎其微
of us finally fucking were unlikely.
也不是完全没可能
Not impossible.
我的性♥欲♥足够旺盛 一天应付两次没问题 但 怎么说呢
I have the high libido that lets me take two in a day, but, I don't know,
我想让和查理的第一次特别点
I kind of wanna make that first time with Charlie special.
最好能共度整个夜晚
Kinda have a full evening.
瞧瞧我这副浪漫德行
Look at me being all romantic.
既然你否决了博物馆之日的提议
So, since you nixed the idea of Museum Day-
我年纪大了 实在装不出想去他妈博物馆的样子
I am too old to continue pretending that I wanna go to a fucking museum.
姐妹 画长什么样我早知道了
Girl, I know what a painting looks like.
我们可能会在城里闲逛一整天 顺便揩点油
We might have ourselves a wander-around-the-city day probably for some light groping.
听起来完美
That sounds perfect.
想我了吗?
Miss me?
今天我们相处了八小时 我还没烦你 这挺难得的
Well, we have spent eight hours together today and I'm not sick of you, so that's something.
确实
I'd say so.
或许我们该谈谈增加相处时间的事
Maybe we should have a little talk about spending even more time together.
看来你有提案要给我
Sounds like you have a proposal for me.
我愿意
I do.
但在那之前 或许我们该聊聊
But before that, maybe we should have a little talk about
我期待的那种关系
the type of relationship that I'm looking for.
好啊
Okay.
我上一段感情持续了五年
So, my last relationship was a five-year relationship
是那种传统的一对一关系
and it was a run-of-the-mill, monogamous relationship.
但那正是我现在想找的类型
Which is the kind of relationship I'm looking for.
明白
Right.
所以过去这一年里
So, in the last year,
我花了很多时间探索自己的酷儿身份认同
I spent a lot of time soul-searching about my queerness and my identity.
好的 我可以用they them代词称呼你
Okay, I can use they them pronouns.
只是需要多注意点 因为尽管所有证据都显示
It's just gonna take some more minding, because, despite all evidence to the contrary,
我可不是个混♥蛋♥
I'm not an asshole.
是啊 后来我意识到自己不仅是同性恋 还是多元关系者
Yeah, well, I came to realize that I'm not only identify as gay, but also poly.
你认同多元关系身份?
You identify as poly?
我前任接受不了
My ex couldn't handle it.
说实话 这让我非常受伤
And, honestly, it was extremely hurtful.
这就是真实的我 可他连让我探索身份的机会都不给
It's who I am, and he wouldn't even allow me to explore my identity.
我们在一起五年啊
We were together five years.
坦白说 我当时既震惊又心碎 最终导致了分手
Honestly, I was shocked and really hurt, and that's ultimately what led to our breakup,
之后我一直在疗伤 然后决定凡是
and since then I've been healing and then decide that anybody
不能接纳完整我的人 趁早滚蛋
that doesn't allow me to be my whole self, well, then they just can keep on walking.
你认为多元关系是种身份认同?
You consider poly to be an identity?
对
Yeah.
LGBTQP?
LGBTQP?
当然
Sure.
所以那些处于多元关系的直男直女 现在也算酷儿群体了?
So, straight people who are also in poly relationships, they're now in the queer community?
大概吧
I guess.
所以这是身份认同 不是关系模式?
So, an identity, not like a relationship style?
对
Right.
没错 这似乎是多元关系者的新话术
Yeah, so that seems to be the new tactic that poly people use
用来绑♥架♥原本倾向单偶制的人
to coerce otherwise monogamously-minded people.
哦 因为是身份认同对吧?
Oh, it's an identity, right?
所以你要是不接受 就是在歧视他们
So, if you're not into it, you're discriminating against them.