丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

喝!
Drink!
要是卡提娅再提一次《接触未来》
If Katya mentions "Contact" one more time,
我非得酒精中毒暴毙不可
I'm gonna die of alcohol poisoning.
先醉倒的人算输 丹尼 你看着可不像输得起的人
The first one to die loses, Danny, you don't strike me as someone who likes to lose.
别看这架势 其实是我们第一次约会
Despite appearances, this is actually a first date.
我在常规交友软件上认识了乔伊
I met Joey on one of the regular dating apps.
就是那种配对成功就聊得特别投缘
It was one of those matches where the conversation just started flying
根本停不下来的情况 懂吗?
right out of the gate, you know?
兴趣爱好、成长经历、工作内容、巴以冲突
Our interests, where we grew up, our jobs, Israel-Palestine,
经典初约会谈资全聊了个遍
all of the classic first date stuff.
我们狂发四小时短♥信♥才消停
We wrapped up in like four hours of rapid fire texting.
最后我不得不要求别再发消息直接见面
In fact, I had to demand that we stop texting and just meet in person
生怕把话题全聊光了
for fear that we would have nothing else to talk about.
结果真人相处和软件上一样投契
And, guys, it was as good in person as it was on the app.
那种熟稔感就像认识了一辈子
Like, we had that familiarity like we had just known each other forever.
而且他长相和照片对版——是真实照片
And he looked like his pictures, like his actual pictures,
不是照骗加二十年沧桑或二十磅赘肉 这年纪还能遇到真是奇迹
not his pictures plus 20 years and or pounds, which at my age is a real surprise.
按说我不会把初约会对象带回家
Now, I usually wouldn't take a first date back to my apartment
除非只想和他上♥床♥ 并且觉得他无聊或讨厌
unless I wanted to fuck him and, like, only fuck him, like I found him boring and or odious,
但还是想看看他老二长啥样
but still wanted to know what his dick looked like.
我这人讲究变废为宝
It's my make lemonade out of lemons policy.
但今晚应该不会和他睡 因为我真挺喜欢他
But this guy, I don't think I'm gonna fuck him tonight, because I actually like him.
伙计们 为我高兴不?
Guys, are you happy for me?
必须替我高兴
Be happy for me.
再说了 你们还能看我们在公♥寓♥里到处亲热
Plus, you're gonna get to watch us make out all over this apartment.
再来一杯?
Another?
老实说 我准备给他口♥交♥
And be real, I'm gonna suck his dick.
我永远支持崔茜和卡提雅多来点戏份
I'm always down for more Trixie and Katya.
这主意简直绝了
This was the best idea.
喝酒游戏真是馊主意
The drinking game was the worst idea.
我忘了卡提雅开头提了多少次《超时空接触》
I forgot how much Katya mentioned "Contact" in the beginning.
而我可没忘
I, on the other hand, did not.
所以你是酒鬼咯
So, you're an alcoholic.
我就知道有猫腻
I knew there was a catch.
我可不像某些人一杯就倒
I'm just not a lightweight like some people.
不 主要是喷射呕吐会影响我做零号♥的修行
No, it's more that hot snakes aren't conducive to my bottoming journey.
我能说什么呢?
What can I say?
人家就是这么轻盈娇小
I'm just so light and petite.
一阵风就能把我吹跑
A gust of wind could blow me away.
飓风卡特里娜来的时候或许可以
Maybe during Katrina.
能让我容忍♥体重梗说明我真心喜欢他
You know I like him if I let him make a weight gag.
否则我早割断他脚筋了
If not, I would've slit his Achilles.
不过今晚是工作日 我该收敛点了
But I should probably slow down as it is a school night.
醉鬼麦吉 你明早不上班吗?
Don't you have work in the morning, Tipsy McGee?
我可是律师
I'm a lawyer.
半数同事都是醉醺醺出庭
Half of them show up drunk.
剩下半数的抽屉里可♥卡♥因♥管够
The other half have cocaine in their desk.
你是不是喜欢—— - 噢不不不不不
Are you into-- - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
别往鼻子里塞东西
Nothing up the nose.
离大脑太近了
Too close to the brain.
哦说真的 鼻孔是唯一我不想被填满的洞
Oh, actually my nostrils are the only holes I don't want filled.
哇塞!
Yowza!
不过我觉得初次约会五小时确实是个不错的整数 对吧?
But, yes, I do think five hours is a good, even number for a first date, don't you?
哇哦
Whoa.
我承认自己有点舍不得结束
I have to admit there's a part of me that doesn't want it to end.
我也是
Me too.
到家发消息?
Text me when you get home?
噢当然
Oh, sure thing.
晚安帅哥
Goodnight, handsome.
你抽什么风?
What is wrong with you?
啥?
What?
你突然腻歪起来了
You're being all mushy.
什么?
What?
你不觉得这画风对你来说太黏糊了吗?
You don't think this is a bit lovey-dovey for you?
我可是个激♥情♥似火的情人
I am a passionate lover.
我满腔热忱
I am filled with passion.
上次我来你家 我们还假装是两位伊♥拉♥克♥老兵时隔多年重逢
The last time I came over, we pretended we were two Iraq war veterans reconnecting after years
追忆军营里那个寂寞的夜晚
to talk about that one lonely night in the barracks.
这才叫...
That's...
这才叫激♥情♥
That's passionate.
少来这套
Knock it off.
怎么了?
What?
别假装呻♥吟♥
Don't fake moan.
不是装的
It's not fake.
这很侮辱人
It's insulting.
从我身上下去
Get off of me.
为马蒂辩护一下 现在遍地都是假呻♥吟♥
In Mattie's defense, there is a fake moan epidemic
在零号♥圈子里泛滥成灾
that's running through the bottoming community.
他们大概是从色情片里学来的 觉得必须这么表演
I think they see it in porn and they think they have to perform it.
就像突然人人都穿女士内♥裤♥、想被掐脖子一个道理
Same reason why everyone's wearing ladies' panties and wants to get choked all of a sudden.
不是假叫
It wasn't fake.
就是假的
Yes, it was.
那是自然反应
It was natural.
感觉很好啊
It felt good.
不 才不是
No, it wasn't.
不 根本没感觉 去你的!
No, it didn't. Fuck you!
假呻♥吟♥根本不是这种声音
That is not what a fake moan sounds like.
假呻♥吟♥应该是...
A fake moan sounds like...
够了
Stop it.
住手!
Stop it!
你发什么神经?
What is wrong with you?
大概当有人用精♥液♥填满你时 就会开始了解你的某些方面
I guess when someone fills you with the notion of cum, they start to know something about you.
我好像有第一次约会的性挫败感
I think I have first date blue balls.
你说什么?
Excuse me?
我有个特别特别棒的初次约会 但结束时候连初吻都没有
I had a really, really good first date, but it didn't end in the first kiss,
所以我现在饿得发慌
so I think it's made me, like, extra hungry for it.
你今晚有第一次约会?
You had a first date tonight?
是啊 所以我家客厅才乱得像狗窝
Yeah, that's why my living room looks like a mess.
噢 我还以为你是个酒鬼呢
Oh, I just thought you were an alcoholic.
啥?
What?
挺符合的
It tracks.
所以你在初次约会后叫我过来?
So, you invited me over after a first date?
对 约会特别棒
Yeah, a really good one.
他没理由不亲我的
There's no reason he shouldn't have kissed me.
噢 我能想到百八十万个理由
Oh, I can think of about a million reasons.
闭嘴啦
Shut it.
你做了什么吗?
Did you do something?
没 直到他离开前都进展超顺利
No, it was going really well up until the moment he left.
你说了什么吗?
Did you say something?
应该没有吧
I don't think so.
你们最后聊了什么话题?
What was the last thing we talked about?
啊 毒品
Oh, drugs.
是可♥卡♥因♥...
It was a cocaine...
哦 我说我的鼻孔是唯一不想被填满的洞
Oh, I said that my nostrils were the only holes I didn't want filled.
所以 你本色出演了
So, you were yourself.
我想答案很明显了
I think we have our answer.
那句话挺好笑的
That was funny.
但也太直球了
It was also very forward.
这就是我的风格
Well, that's my brand.
你知道我就是个顽皮鬼 对吧?
I am an impish rascal, you know?
你懂的 嘿嘿
Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.
我觉得如果他和你玩得开心 而且他喜欢你的程度不亚于你喜欢他
I think if he had a good time with you and if he likes you as much as you like him,
他本可以泼点冷水让事情别发展得太快
he could have thrown cold water on it to keep things from going too far.
呃 大概吧
I mean, I guess so.
但你不觉得不亲我有点矫枉过正了吗?
But don't you think not kissing me is a bit of an overcorrection.
我认为要是真喜欢一个人 就会试着别进展太快
I think that if you really like someone, you try to not go too fast,
所以当我遇见你时
which is why when I met you,
前五分钟就直接进入主题了
I was inside you in the first five minutes.
没记错的话是在我卧室地板上
On my bedroom floor, if I recall.
是啊 我们该重温一下
Yeah, we should do that again.