丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

我的屁♥眼♥没事 谢谢关心
My hole is fine. Thank you for your concern.
是的 上周那场小意外后 我的屁♥眼♥已经恢复完整了
Yes, my hole is whole again after last week's misadventure.
如果你还记得 我换了策略 在交友软件上直接表明有特殊癖好
If you will recall, I took a different strategy and leaned kink-forward in the apps,
导致我被搞成了泰式折叠 在肉肠烤箱里翻腾 所以休养了一阵子
and that led to me getting Thai bowed in the sausage oven, so I had a leave of absence.
在那段短暂休整期 我决定改弦更张 把个人资料改成全年龄向
During that brief hiatus, I decided to take a different tack and render my profile entirely PG
但要在理想伴侣描述里加上"爱调情"这个词
but include the word frisky in the description of my potential partner
以便留下些微妙暗示——没想到吧
in order to leave some subtle indication that surprise, surprise,
性生活在恋爱关系中很重要
sexuality is important in a relationship.
我知道 太震惊了
I know, what a shock.
这个微调让我匹配到了尼尔
That minor course correction led to me matching with Neil.
尼尔似乎掌握了恰到好处的调情尺度
Neil seems to have a grasp on the right level of flirtation
既能抓住我的注意力 又能持续吸引我
to both capture and hold my attention.
他擅长双关黄段子 魔鬼表情符号♥用得溜 还很快约线下见面
Daft at innuendo and no stranger to the devil emoji, he was also quick to meet up in person,
这总比那些无止境来回撩骚强
which I always prefer over the constant back and forth
毕竟最后不是收到裸照就是无疾而终
that ultimately leads to nudes or nowhere.
他还刚好符合我对异性恋模式的偏好
He is also hitting the right amount of heteronomativity
这正是我找对象时看重的 因为
that I like in a potential match because,
尽管我们性少数群体取得诸多进步
despite all of the advances that our community has made
也摒弃了传统性别角色对恋爱关系的束缚
and rejecting the traditional gender roles that have so often influenced our relationships,
我还是喜欢被当作淑女对待的男人
I still like a man that treats me like a lady.
这种观念很过时吗?
Now, is that an outdated point of view?
当然 但我这把年纪实在没精力适应新型恋爱模式了
Sure, but I am simply too old and too tired to acclimate myself to the new relationship models
比如和威廉斯堡那位拒绝标签的
where I can be completely content dating a non-binary pansexual from Williamsburg
非二元泛性恋蓝莓约会还能心满意足
named Blueberry who's not into using labels
尽管他们用各种标签来定义自己
despite all of the labels they use to identify themselves.
如果那是你的菜 我为你高兴 但对我来说 我会继续享受
If that's your jam, more power to you, but as for me, I'm going to continue to delight
尼尔为我开门、请我喝酒这些传统小浪漫
in the more traditional gestures of Neil holding the door for me and buying me a drink
因为这才是让丹尼脱裤子的正确方式 伙计们
because that is how you drop Danny's panties, folks.
所以 很饥渴嘛?
So, frisky, huh?
所以这就是你最在意的点?
So, that's what stood out to you?
呃 从你资料来看 是的
Uh, from your profile, yes.
现在最吸引我的是你这件衬衫衬得你奶♥子♥真翘
Currently, what's sticking out to me is how that shirt of yours accents yours tits.
够不够饥渴?
Frisky enough for you?
其实我更喜欢称它们为胸肌
I actually like to refer to them as pecs.
如果我身上有任何像奶♥子♥的部位 那我得赶紧
If I have anything on my body that resembles tits, then I need to get into a calorie deficit
开始热量赤字了
as soon as possible.
工作怎么样? -转得漂亮
How was work? - Good pivot.
知道今晚要见你 我整天都心不在焉
Well, I had a hard time concentrating knowing that I was meeting you tonight.
真会说话
That's very sweet.
所以你有什么绝对不能接受的底线要先说吗?
So, do you have any deal breakers you want to address up top?
想要孩子吗?
Do you want kids?
可惜我生育能力有问题
Unfortunately, I'm barren.
哦 敌意子♥宫♥啊 -全身都是敌意
Oh, hostile womb. - Hostile everything.
但就算注定失败也不代表我们不该尝试
But just because it's futile doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
看来你是个乐观派
So, you're an optimist.
不过你运气不错 我也不想要孩子 这大概是我唯一的底线
But fortunately for you, I don't want them either, which I think is my only deal breaker.
那看来该开始筹划婚礼了
Then I guess it's time start planning the wedding.
嘿 混♥蛋♥ -马蒂 这是尼尔 尼尔 这是马蒂
Well, hey, fucker. - Matty, Neil. Neil, Matty.
哦抱歉 今晚是叫马修吗?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is it Matthew tonight?
怎么了?
What's up?
呃 正享受你朋友的陪伴呢
Uh, just enjoying your friend's company.
看来你俩是朋友?
Take it you two are friends?
不是 - 好吧
No. - Okay.
知道吗?
You know what?
我想我要借这个机会去趟洗手间
I think I am going to take this opportunity to use the restroom.
失陪一下 当然
Excuse me a second. Of course.
哎呀呀 大白天见到你可真稀奇
Well, well, well, interesting seeing you in daylight.
要知道 我除了你卧室外也是有生活的
You know, I do have a life outside of your bedroom.
听起来挺无聊
Sounds boring.
你在约会? - 正是
Are you on a date? - Indeed I am.
顺利吗? - 我觉得还行
Going well? - I think so.
他觉得呢? - 凭什么不觉得?
Does he? - Why wouldn't he?
我猜你迟早会开口说话的
Well, I assume at some point you open your mouth.
我可人见人爱着呢 你这行走的精♥液♥工厂
I am delightful and charming, you walking jizz factory.
是是是
Sure you are.
好好好
Sure you are.
我差点想在他鸡♥巴♥上拉屎
I have half a mind to shit on his dick.
所以 去你那儿还是我那儿?
So, your place or mine?
你回你的住处 我回我的
Well, you will be going to your place, and I will be going to mine.
哦 不让我嘬你的奶头了?
Oh, you're not gonna let me suck on your titties?
现在不行 留到第二次约会好吗?
Not now, I'm not. Can we please save that for date two?
除非睡前能亲你一下
Only if I can kiss you goodnight.
等不及第二次约会了呢
Looking forward to that second date.
瞧 这才是正确操作
See, that's how you do it.
这就是饥渴与克制的完美平衡
That is how you balance horny and restraint.
带点撩人火花 加点欲擒故纵 但别开场就全盘托出
A little bit of sizzle, a little tease, but don't give it all away at the start.
这有什么难的?
Why is that so hard?
我觉得其他那些真心想谈恋爱的约会对象
I feel like any other guy that I date who is actually looking for a relationship,
除了拳击狂魔麦基 要是像我这么主动早就拿石头砸我了
aside from fisty McGee, they would've started stoning me if I made an advance like that.
好吧好吧 这还差不多
All right, all right, this is promising.
最妙的是
And the best part is
我能拿这个打脸得意洋洋的小马蒂
I get to rub Matty's smug little face in it.
我欲♥火♥焚身了
I'm so horny.
也许该和尼尔交换裸照的
Maybe I should have traded nudes with Neil.
不不不 好戏留给能憋住的人
No, no, no. Good things come to those who wait to cum.
要一起看哥布林小黄♥片♥吗?
Oh, do you want to watch that goblin porn with me?
天呐这个真带劲 呃...
Dear Lord, that's a good one. Oh, uh.
不行不行 我得把持住
No, no, no. I must stand firm.
不能让有发展潜力的对象变成又一次露水情缘
I can't let something with potential turn into another one and done.
听着尼尔
All right, Neil.
你那条漂亮巨蟒想发多少照片都行
You send me as many pictures of that beautiful anaconda as you want,
但实战必须留到下次
but you're waiting until next time.
我刚到家 严格来说第一次约会已经结束了
Well, I did just get home, which technically ends our first date.
所以现在过去的话 严格算第二次约会哦
So if I came over right now, it would technically be our second date.
好吧 被你绕进去了
Well, you got me there.
把衣服脱了
Take your clothes off.
哦 操 太棒了 他是个S
Oh, fuck yes, he's a dom.
他越来越让人欲罢不能了
He keeps getting better and better.
把它们拿过来
Bring them to me.
嗯嗯 天啊 太火♥辣♥了
Mmmm, oh my God. It's so hot.
你想让我♥干♥♥你♥吗? - 操 当然想 先生
You want me to fuck you? - Fuck yes, sir.
这不就是我来这儿的原因吗?
That's why I'm here, isn't it?
你想让我过来干♥你♥
You wanted me to come over and fuck you.
操 我确实想 - 吻我
Fuck, yes I did. - Kiss me.
哦 我现在就能高♥潮♥
Oh, I could cum right now.
去床上
Go get in bed.
天啊伙计 别让我等急了
Oh, my God, man, make me wait for it.
老天 这太爽了 太爽了
Oh my God, this is so good. It's so good.
你会照我说的做吗?
You going do what I tell you?
操 当然
Oh, fuck yes.
你会做个乖孩子 照我说的做吗?
You going to be a good boy, and do what I tell you?
操 当然会 - 说出来
Fuck yes I am. - Say it.
说 我会做个乖孩子
Say, I'm gonna be a good boy.
我会完全照你说的做
I'm going do exactly what you tell me.
很好
Good.
现在跪起来 让我看看你那骚♥逼♥
Now get up on those knees, and show me that pussy.
好吧 这有点过了
Okay, well, that's a bit much.
呃 我是说 我以前遇到过这种情况
Um, I mean, I've encountered this before.
通常我会说闭嘴 不然我的洞就要合上了
Usually, I say shut the fuck up before my hole seals shut.
但话说回来 到目前为止真的很带劲
But, I mean, this was really hot so far.
而且 我是说 我真的不想扫兴 但是 哦 这实在有点过了
And, I mean, I really don't want to lose steam, but, oh, this is just a lot.
你想让我给你看看我的屁♥股♥吗?
Do you want me to show you my ass?
不 我想让你给我看看那个漂亮粉♥嫩♥的小骚♥逼♥
No, I want you to show me that pretty pink pussy.
好吧 现在我们进入科幻领域了 因为我41岁了
Okay, now we're in the realm of science fiction here because I'm 41.
我很久没仔细看它了 但我很确定它没那么漂亮粉♥嫩♥
I haven't looked at it in a while, but I'm pretty sure it's less pretty and pink
更像是贫民窟的百万富翁
and more slum dog millionaire.
为什么他们非得用那些豌豆打比方?
And why do they got to lean on those peas?
漂亮粉♥嫩♥的小骚♥逼♥
Pretty pink pussy.
小骚♥逼♥
Pussy.
我觉得说有些词让我觉得性感
I don't think it's unreasonable to say that there are words I find sexy