丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

伍德赛德?
Woodside?
呕 伍德赛德? 认真的?
Ugh, Woodside? Really?
马蒂 你♥他♥妈♥欠我的
Matty, you fucking owe me.
你肯定是丹尼吧
You must be Danny.
要不是的话就尴尬了
It'd be pretty awkward if I wasn't.
怎么说?
Why?
马修说他晚到十分钟
Matthew said he's running 10 minutes late.
"马修"
"Matthew".
你们哪儿认识的?
Where did you meet?
好像是在Splooge软件的同城推送里
I think he was on my home grid on Splooge.
你呢?
You?
哦 在我朋友的群啪派对上
Oh, at my friend's orgy.
马修挺不错的对吧?
Matthew's pretty great isn't he?
嗯哼
Mmhm.
我都不知道他喜欢年长的
I didn't know he was into older.
哦
Oh.
他还不知道要怕我呢
He doesn't know to fear me yet.
80年代是什么样子的?
What were the '80s like?
那时候我还是个孩子 但我知道那对我们来说不是个好年代
Well I was a child then, but I know it wasn't a great decade for us.
你知道的 很多人受苦
You know, a lot of people suffering.
死于艾滋病
Dying of AIDS.
说不定你也会是其中之一
Maybe you could've been one of them.
那么多封信
So many letters.
等等 嗷!
Wait, ow!
等一下 就...
wait a sec, just...
稍等
Hold a sec.
嗷!
Ow!
稍等一下 就等一小会儿
Hold a sec, just wait on a sec.
好吧
Okay.
慢点来 嗷!
Go slow and ow!
等一下
Hold on a sec.
等一下 就稍等一下
Wait a sec, just hold a sec.
好吧
Okay.
慢点来
Go slow and.
真带劲
That was hot.
好了马修 说吧
All right, Matthew. Tell us.
你最喜欢谁?
Who's your favorite?
哎哎现在别挑事儿啊
Oh now now, let's not start a fight.
而且我觉得这个会扎人
Plus I think this one stabs.
安全到家啊 小伙子们
Get home safe, boys.
哦 刚才那个小意外...
Oh, and sorry about the little...
哎哎哎没事没事 常有的事
Hey, no no no no no. It happens.
反正我没遇到过
Well not to me.
我灌肠的
I douche.
是啊 看来年轻一代更讲究身体感知
Yeah, I guess the younger generation is just more about being in touch with their bodies.
可不是嘛 你显然也不介意三天没洗的咖喱味
Yeah, and you apparently don't mind the smell of three-day-old vindaloo.
好了谢谢再见!
Okay, thank you, bye!
玩得开心吗"马修"?
Did you have a good time, "Matthew"?
你直接拒绝就行了
You could have just said no.
是他先挑事的
He started it.
没错 他确实挺欠的
Yeah, he is kind of a twat.
谢了
Thank you.
那是你的吗?
Is that you?
嗯
Yeah.
你才是我的最爱
And you're my favorite.
那必须的
Damn right I am.
我管你觉得自己多了解身体
I don't care how in touch with your body you think you are.
你现在该了解的是灌肠器
What you need to get in touch with is an enema.
你们不是号♥称治疗一代吗?
Aren't y'all the therapy generation?
肠道水疗都忘了?
Did you forget about colon hydrotherapy?
要剃毛就提前五分钟 要么干脆别剃
And if you're gonna shave it, do it five minutes before or not at all
肛♥门♥胡茬可一点都不时髦 姐妹
because that anus stubble is not the tea, mother.
为啥那些刮毛的还要把自己抹得油光水滑?
And why do the ones who shave also lather themselves in lotion?
所以你就像条滑溜溜的海豚还带着肛毛胡茬?
So you're a slimy dolphin with 5 o'clock ass crack shadow?
你可真够诱人的
Aren't you delicious.
那个插座坏了
That outlet was broken.
而我呢 刚用12盎司可挤压水瓶做完护理
I, on the other hand, am fresh from an appointment with a 12 ounce crushable water bottle.
所以不管情侣约会带我去哪儿我都准备好了
So I'm ready for wherever my date with a couple is going to take me.
最好能去巴黎玩埃菲尔铁塔式体♥位♥
Which is hopefully to Paris for an Eiffel Tower.
你太辣了
You are so hot.
他他妈辣爆了!
He is so fucking hot!
本吉 他是不是很辣?
Benji, isn't he hot?
嗯
Yeah.
丹尼的屌♥是不是很棒?
Doesn't Danny have a nice cock?
是啊
Yeah.
好吧 我们注意到情侣约会时常见的两件事
Okay, so we notice two things here that are expected when dating a couple.
首先是他们根本不想和我约会
The first is that they don't want to date me.
约会只是个幌子
The date was a ruse.
他们想上我
They would like to fuck me.
至少雅各布是这么想的
Well, Jacob does at least.
第二件常见的事是本吉是被逼来的
Second thing that is also not uncommon is that Benji is here by duress.
没错 雅各布需要多双手伺候他的老二
Yes, Jacob needs an extra set of hands on his cock,
所以他给本吉下药弄来当观众 勉强表示同意
and so he's drugged Benji here to bear witness and give his begrudging approval.
知道吗?
And you know what?
这样也行
That's fine.
因为到了晚上
'Cause at the end of the night
我既要屌♥又要故事
I'm gonna get dick and a story.
♪ 还能奢求什么呢 ♪
♪ Who could ask for anything more ♪
雅各布跟我说你是做咨♥询♥的?
So Jacob tells me you're in consulting?
丹尼是律师
Danny's a lawyer.
我已经傍上这位钱袋子了 现在连律师都有了
I've already got it made with moneybags over here, and now I have a lawyer too.
度假别♥墅♥指日可待了吧?
Can you say vacation home?
你退休前是做什么的?
So what did you do before you retired?
哦 干过一堆破事
Oh, loads of shit.
我原先在哪儿上班来着?
Where did I work before?
肉袋公♥司♥
The Meat Sack.
哦对 对
Oh yeah, yeah.
去他妈的鬼地方
Fuck that place.
肉袋公♥司♥
The Meat Sack.
我猜是对冲基金?
I take it that's a hedge fund?
我在那儿跳过一阵子舞 直到他们搞什么拉丁之夜破活动
I go-go'd there for a while until they started doing this Latin night crap.
雅各布
Jacob.
突然我就变成在非法移♥民♥酒吧打工了
And all of a sudden I'm working at a bar for illegals.
雅各布
Jacob.
后来'不欢迎基佬'就等于'雅各布没活干'
And then el homo no tipo means Jacob no work-o.
懂我意思吧?
You know what I mean?
嗯 一清二楚
Yeah, loud and clear.
好吧 所以本吉给自己买♥♥了个大屌♥怨妇
All right, so Benji bought himself a hung hateful hooker.
现在我得搞清楚雅各布是不是拿我当退路
So now I need to decide whether Jacob is using me as his exit strategy,
或者本吉想甩掉个失败投资
or Benji is trying to offload a failed investment.
无论如何 现在这只是一♥夜♥情♥罢了
In either case, this is now a one night endeavor.
对那些说'丹尼'的人 看来在纽约和男同志约会时
And to those of you saying Danny, it seems like when you date gay men in New York
总会遇到不少种族歧视者
you come across a lot of racists.
对此我只能说：确实
To that I can only say yes.
不得不说 选墨西哥餐厅让我挺意外
Gotta say, surprised you chose a Mexican restaurant.
我不希望他们偷渡过来 但既然来了
I don't want them crossing the border, but if they're going to, they might as well
至少他妈该做出点美味塔可吧!
make some delicious fucking tacos!
绝了
Amazing.
你们俩怎么认识的?
So how did you two meet?
我在房♥间那头看见他 虽然老套 但真是一见钟情
I saw him from across the room, and as corny as it sounds, it really was love at first sight.
那时我们住在圣地亚哥 我和同事去猪槽酒吧
We were living in San Diego back then, and I was out with some work friends
我过去搭讪 但身上没现金 所以
at The Pig Trough, and I went up to talk to him, but I didn't have any cash on me, so -
天呐 你当时说"你♥他♥妈♥美翻了"
Oh my God, you were like "You're so fucking beautiful."
我就回"钱呢死基佬?"
And I was like "Where's the cash, faggot?"
于是我狂奔四个街区取钱 回来时他不见了
So I ran four blocks to the ATM to get cash, but when I came back he wasn't there.
有个金主爸爸花200刀在衣帽间给我口了
Some daddy paid me $200 to suck my dick in the coat room.
不过这给你上了一课对吧?
It taught you a lesson though, didn't it?
永远随身带现金!
Always carry cash!
我对他念念不忘
I couldn't get him off my mind.
我本可以等他一整晚
I would've waited the whole night for him.