丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

噢我懂规矩 不 我保证
Oh, I know what, no, I promise.
这是我们的小秘密 兄弟
This is our secret, bud.
明白 不 没人会知道
I know. No, no one will know.
我 我发誓
I, I promise.
要是你妈发现 我们就再也没法这样了
If your mom finds out, we can't do this again.
噢我保证 继父
Oh, I promise, stepdad.
嗯 我保证会当个乖孩子
Yeah, I promise I'll be a very good boy.
绝不会告诉别人我保—
I won't tell anybody I pro-
虽然我们同龄 但继子是一种心理状态
I know we're both the same age, but stepson is a state of mind.
最好只是条Yelp点评
That better be a Yelp review.
四星 - 才四星?
Four stars. - Four?
毕竟你只是我继父
Well, you were only my stepfather.
我也是有底线的
Even I have limits.
四星
Four.
你在干嘛?
What are you doing?
在约会软件上跟某个蠢货吵架
Fighting with some twat on a dating app.
你非得现在搞这个吗?
Do you have to do that now?
我不能太久不回复 他会盯着消息轰炸
I can't let it go too long without responding because he jumps on his messages
而且我不想冒险让他说完最后一句话就解除匹配
and I don't wanna risk him having the last word, and then unmatching.
到场 亲热 脱♥光♥
Arrive, make out, get naked.
他给我口 我舔他菊 我♥操♥他 他走人
He gives me head, I rim him, I fuck him, he leaves.
我其他对象都按这个流程走 从没出过问题
None of my others have any problems following this agenda.
但和你在一起 总会混进些疯批操作
But with you, there's always something batshit thrown into the mix.
是啊 我可不像你那些弱鸡小零
Yeah, but I'm not like all of your other little twinks
还有他们那些"啊 等等 轻点
and all of their little, "Ow, wait, hold on.
呃 啊 等等 哈"
Huh. Ow. Wait. Ah.
嘶 噢 痛 你能 呃 我们休息下?"
Tss, ooh, ow, can you, oh, can we take a break?"
这描述准确得令人恼火
That is frustratingly accurate.
发完消息直接解除匹配不行吗?
Why can't you just unmatch with him after your message?
因为我还没玩够呢
Because I haven't had enough fun yet.
你神经病吧
You're unhinged.
我没疯! 是他疯了!
I'm not unhinged. He's unhinged!
我只是在引导他崩溃 好让他彻底暴露疯批本质
I am simply prompting him to unravel and put his unhingedness on full display.
图什么?
To what end?
直到我爽到!
Until I cum!
你脑子有坑吧?
What is wrong with you?
好吧 那你觉得这句怎么样?
Okay, so what do you think about this?
"听着 你这尖酸刻薄的小精♥液♥屁"?
"Look here, you snarky, little cum fart"?
不对
Wrong.
啥?
What?
你搞错方式了
You're doing it wrong.
现在我很确定你能看出来
Now, I'm pretty sure you can tell
我这人一般不提建设性意见 但当初真该问问马蒂
I'm not one for constructive criticism, but I probably should have asked Matty how
这事儿到底该怎么操作
to do this in the first place.
你看看他那副德行
I mean, just look at him.
他就是那种会不断触发梅尔文综合症的类型
He's the type that triggers Melvins all the time.
我敢打赌 这个冷漠不上心的土豆袋
I guarantee you, he is the aloof, non-committal sack
纯粹把交友软件当厕所消遣
of potatoes that's using the dating apps as time to pass on the toilet
压根没真想约人见面
and has never had intention of actually meeting anyone.
虽然...他确实长得帅
I mean, he's, he's good looking.
又坏又带劲 下流还器大活好
He's good in bad, he's filthy, he's hung.
这些都是情感绝缘体的标配
Those are all the signs of emotional unavailability.
我敢说大纽约地区
You know, I bet he has infuriated every bottom looking
每个找真爱的零号♥都被他气疯过
for love in the greater New York City metro area.
所以请教他怎么对付老派梅尔文再合适不过
So he really is the best person to dole out advice on how to handle good old Melvin.
好吧 那我该怎么甩掉梅尔文?
All right, so how do I spin Melvin out?
梅尔文?
Melvin?
我给他起的外号♥
It's the name I've given him.
不错
That's good.
所以要不要润色下'精屁'这个说法?
So like, do you wanna punch up cum fart or?
一个字
One word.
嗯?
Hmm?
用单字回答
One word answers.
听着 梅尔文们最恨的就是被无视 但最终他们会放弃
Look, there's nothing that Melvins hate more than being ignored, but eventually they give up
当他们得不到想要的关注时
when they don't get the attention they want.
显然你还没准备好面对这点
And apparently you're not quite ready for that.
所以你想吊着人家?
So you wanna keep the person going?
就得戳他们 用单字回复
You gotta poke 'em. One word answers.
我告诉你
I'm telling you.
你根本不知道该怎么真正接近一个人
You don't have any clue as to how to actually approach a person
展开有意义的对话 因为像你这种人实在太肤浅
and engage in meaningful conversation because people like you are just so basic.
就是些肤浅男孩在浪费我这种正经男人的时间
Just basic boys wasting the time of real men like me who are serious people.
你这种不正经的家伙只会浪费重要人士的时间
You're an unserious person just wasting important people's time.
废物
Loser.
附注 刚又看了你的照片 你眼神很吓人
PS, just looked at your pics again. You have crazy eyes.
好吧 我们来拆解一下
Okay, let's break this down.
首先 他发消息绝不会少于四条
So first off, he can't send anything in under four messages.
这说明他被激怒了
That means he's triggered.
哦 看到这些小小的侮辱了吗?
Oh, and you see all these little insults?
是他想激怒你的把戏
It's him trying to trigger you.
没错 他想干架
Yeah, he wants a fight.
他想听你说"我不是废物 你才是废物
He wants you to say, "I'm not a loser. You're a loser.
就你这样还想脱单? 神经病"
And you wonder why you're still single? You psycho."
诸如此类的话
Or something like that.
所以我要回...
So I'm gonna send...
太气人了!
That is infuriating!
我不介意再睡你一次
I could fuck you again.
你们知道吗伙计们? 马蒂说得对
You know what guys? Matty was right.
用我自己的恶毒话回击 只会把我拉低到梅尔文那种疯癫水平
Responding with my own vitriol really just lowered me down to Melvin's level of derangement:
"你可悲极了 你的人生惨淡
"You're pathetic. You have a sad life.
你该多在健身房♥消磨时间"
You should spend more time at the gym."
说真的 我最近确实觉得有点浮肿 所以他可能没说错
You know what, I have been feeling bloated a bit lately, so he might not be wrong.
"你浑身散发着短小老二的气场"
"You give small dick energy."
哦哦哦伙计们 我们中头彩了
Oh, oh, oh guys, I think we hit the jackpot.
我刚住进五星级度假村享受七天
I just started a seven day stay at a five star resort
而你现在正窝在沙发上吃冰淇淋
and you are eating ice cream on your couch.
能给我们计时七天吗?
Can we get seven days on the clock?
因为我想我们找到人生目标了
Because I think we have our purpose.
起初我只是想看自焚好戏
At first, I had interest in watching the self-immolation
就像高速路上看到车祸会忍♥不住张望那样
for the same reasons that you gawk at a car crash when you pass it on the highway.
但现在我明白了宇宙把梅尔文塞进我生活的意义
But now I think we know the reason why the universe has brought Melvin into my life.
那就是确保他在接下来七天清醒的每分每秒
And that is so I can make sure he spends every waking moment of the next seven days
都要在这场美妙假期里和我进行单方面骂战
of this beautiful vacation engaged in a one-sided argument with me.
等等 我是不是也该买♥♥点冰淇淋?
Oh wait, should I have gotten ice cream?
你永远过不上我这种生活
You could never have the life I have.
我奋斗了一辈子 你呢?
I've worked hard my entire life and you're what?
靠信托基金混日子的妈宝 整天瘫着等天上掉馅饼?
Some trust fund baby, just sitting on your ass all day having things handed to you?
你的人生真是可悲
You have a really sad life.
那不是我名字 你根本不知道我叫什么
That's not my name. You don't know my name.
你还没资格知道呢宝贝
You haven't earned that privilege, baby.
认识我是你的荣幸
Knowing me is a privilege.
要不是没人教过你做人 你本可以拥有这份特权
And you could have had it if someone ever taught you how to act.
算你走运 有我这样的人来教你规矩 不开心吗
Fortunately for you, there's people like me who can teach you, aren't you happy
老子就是来调♥教♥你的 小崽子?
I'm here to teach you, little boy?
是不是觉得特荣幸啊? 就像你这辈子总被众人捧着的滋味
Doesn't that mean you feel special the way everyone has made you feel special your whole life,
虽然你压根不配?
despite never deserving it?
我打赌从来没人爱过你
I bet you no one has ever loved you.
那些说爱你的 全在骗你 反复骗你
And anyone who said they did, lied to you, lied to you several times.
别怕 跟我说实话
Don't worry, you can tell me the truth.
是不是啊 白佬?
Isn't that true, white boy?
你就跟看起来一样窝囊吧 白佬?
Are you as pathetic as you look, white boy?
难怪没人待见你
No wonder no one likes you.
我赌你家人也恨透你了 白佬
I bet your family hates you too, white boy.
糟-糕!
Rut-ro!
现在咱们的旅程来到有趣的分岔路
So we've come to an interesting crossroads in our journey
梅尔文突然把话题扯到种族问题上
with Melvin as he has decided to make things racial.
对这张白人脸来说 这显然非常非常危险
And that is obviously a very, very dangerous thing for this little white face.
好吧 我肩上的理智马蒂说 他就是在激怒我、挑衅我
All right, so the Matty on my shoulder says that, he's just trying to trigger me, provoke me,
想拉我进种族话题辩论——这明显是必输局 不妙不妙
drag me into a discussion on race, which is obviously a no win scenario, no bueno.
但我另一个肩膀坐着白人的负罪感
But on my other shoulder sits white guilt,