丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

搞得我恨不得低声下气解释
which makes me wanna fall all over myself and explain that,
"不不 我折磨你和种族完全无关"
"No, no, my torment of you has nothing to do with that."
还有"老天 这些年我尝过的黑屌♥可多了" 就那种
And, "Oh my God, I've enjoyed so many black cocks over the years" and you know that, that,
"但我有黑人朋友"的烂借口——这说辞永远不该用
"but I have black friends" excuse that no one should ever use, ever.
看来得打电♥话♥求助了
Me thinks I need to phone a friend.
不 不 不是 不是黑人朋友...
Not, not, not a, not a black friend...
马蒂 梅尔文决定把这事扯到种族问题上
Matty, so Melvin has decided to make things racial,
这对他算是主场优势
which is kind of home court advantage for him.
你觉得我该继续现在的策略
Do you think I should continue with my current strategy
还是你有应对这种情况的建议?
or do you have a recommendation in case of such an event?
好吧 他帮不上忙
Well, he's no help.
好 如果我提这事 呃 行吧 如果如果我不提 那
Okay, so if I address it, ugh, alright, so if if I don't address it, then
是的 他们恨我因为我是白人
太冒险了
That's risky.
早知道他们讨厌你
I knew they hated you.
听不得关于你的实话? ...过头了
Is it hard to hear the truth about you? ...overboard.
有没有人曾经...
Has anyone ever...
伙计们 他掉线了 操!
Guys, I think we lost him. Fuck!
我们本来进展挺顺利的
We were doing so well.
可能种族牌是他的最后一搏
Maybe that racial gambit was his Hail Mary.
眼看没奏效 他就放弃和我争论 开始享受假期了
And when that didn't work, he gave up his argument with me and started enjoying his vacation.
一方面这对我也不算坏事
On the one hand that's kind of good for me too
因为这几天我完全没干正事
because I've done absolutely nothing these last few days.
想随时应对突发状况
Wanted to keep myself available for any incoming insanity.
但另一方面 我的假期还剩三天呢
But on the other hand, I still three days left of ruin.
怎么抢救局面?
How do we resuscitate?
两周后 哎哟喂 我检测阳性了
So two weeks later, whoopsy-doodle, I've got a positive result.
所以我琢磨 迪伦会是个好父亲吗?
So I'm thinking, would Dylan be a good father?
然后想起来他叫达里尔 所以...
Then I remember, his name was Daryl, so...
我可以问马蒂 但他已经觉得我疯了
I could ask Matty, but he already thinks I'm a lunatic
我可不能冒险失去那根宝贝老二
and I cannot risk losing that valuable cock.
我也可以问萨莉 但她是个直女 根本不会懂
And I could ask Sally here, but she's a straight woman so she wouldn't get it.
而且老实说她整天唠叨要我做个更好的人
And honestly she keeps going on and on about wanting me to be a better person
我现在真听不得这种屁话
and I really can't hear that shit right now.
懂吗?
Alright?
什么是触发点?
What is triggering?
什么会触发我?
What triggers me?
最后我还是去堕胎了 但现在他没回我信息
And then ultimately I ended up getting the abortion, but now that he hasn't texted me back,
我觉得当初该骗他说要生下孩子 这样...
I feel like I should have told him I was gonna keep it, that way...
人行道上的自行车 星座运势
Bicycles on sidewalks, astrology.
呕 迈克尔·尤瑞演的那部圣诞烂片?
Ugh, that Michael Urie Christmas movie?
动动脑子啊丹尼
Think Danny, think.
所以你怎么看?
So what do you think?
什么怎么看?
About what?
达里尔没回我信息
Daryl not texting me back.
我♥操♥他妈的!
Jesus fucken Christ!
听着萨莉 咱们又不是第一次这样
Look Sally, we have been here.
我还是那句老话 女人的烦恼都很蠢
I'm just gonna tell you the same thing I always tell you, women's problems are stupid.
不是指女性权益问题
Not like women's issues.
是说堕胎就该随心所欲
Like you should be able to get an abortion whenevs,
其实我巴不得自己能亲自做手术
and actually, I kind of wish I could perform them myself.
只要能减少飞机上的熊孩子 什么手段都行
Anything, literally anything to get less children on planes.
回信息就是想睡你
If he texts you, he wants to fuck you.
不回信息就是不想睡你
If he doesn't text you, doesn't wanna fuck you.
没有别的动机
There are no ulterior motives.
直男做事从无隐藏目的
There are no hidden agendas when it comes to straight men.
要么他操你操得不爽 要么找到了新炮♥友♥ 要么就是被
He either didn't enjoy fucking you, found someone new to fuck or is petrified
你那惊人的生育力吓傻了
of your apparent fertility.
好吧
Right.
但如果我告诉他打算留下孩子呢? 然后...
But what if I told him I was gonna keep it? And then...
想让他回你消息的唯一办法 就是在晚上11点到凌晨4点之间
The only way that you're gonna get him to message you back is if you text him, "Hey,"
给他发"在吗"或"干嘛呢"
or "what's up?", between the hours of 11:00 PM and 4:00 AM
趁他老二硬着又没别的选择
when his erection is strong and his options limited.
只有这样才能触发他——天啊莎莉你♥他♥妈♥真是个天才
That is the only way you're gonna trigger him to, oh my god, Sally, you're a fucken genius.
懂了
Okay.
那要是我照做了他回复 我是不是...
And then if I do that and he responds, do I...
闭嘴莎莉你♥他♥妈♥快闭嘴
Oh my god, Sally, shut the fuck up.
消停会儿行不行 我♥日♥你♥祖宗
Just shut up a fucking moment, Jesus fucken Christ.
你你你 你觉得我会让你碰我?
You, you, you think I would ever let you touch me?
你觉得我会自降身价到和你搞?
You think I would ever lower my standards so low as to get with you?
就连施舍炮都不会给你这种...
Not even a pity fuck for someone so...
♪ 哦嗨爸爸
♪ Oh, hello daddy
♪ 哦嗨爸爸
♪ Oh, hello daddy
♪ 但愿你别想让我穿丁字裤 ♪
♪ I sure hope you don't want me to wear a thong ♪
哦抱歉
Oh, sorry.
正在筛选新一批追求者 毕竟第七天了
Just setting up my new line of suitors since it is day seven,
意味着这段旋风式恋爱快要结束
which means the whirlwind romance is about to come to an end.
我马上就有更多空闲时间了
I'm gonna have more free time.
虽然我们的爱短暂如风
Though our love was short-lived,
但我会永远珍惜与梅尔文共度的每一刻
I will cherish the memories I've made with Melvin forever.
随着本集接近尾声 作为主角的我
And as we bring our episode to a close, it's naturally time
自然也该学有所获
that I, the lead character, learned my lesson.
我反思着那些浪费在与梅尔文争执中的
I reflect on all of the time I wasted in an argument
宝贵时光 其实我本该用善意与
with Melvin when I really should have just approached him
理解去对待他
with kindness and, and understanding.
毕竟我们都只是凡人
Because we're all just human beings.
要知道 谁不是竭尽全力活着呢
You know, we're all doing the best we can do.
约会本就够难了 何必再卷入这些无谓的闹剧
And dating's tough enough without getting involved in all this unnecessary drama.
其实我和梅尔文有种奇妙的共鸣 对吧?
You know, Melvin and I, we have a sort of kinship, right?
因为在我人生中 也曾被类似我们之间的
'Cause there have been times in my life where I as well would've been triggered by the kind
对话刺♥激♥到失控
of conversation we were having.
或许我该为不够大度而道歉 请求他的原谅
You know, I could offer an apology and ask for forgiveness for not taking the higher road.
说不定...说不定梅尔文也会反过来向我道歉
And maybe, maybe Melvin would offer an apology in return.
对吧?
Right?
他会解释说 是啊 他在约会软件上屡屡受挫
Explain to me that, yeah, he's had a terrible time on the dating apps and,
一时脆弱时又遇到个
and in a moment of weakness, he came across someone
惜字如金的匹配对象 对方敷衍了事的态度
who again, was a monosyllabic dating app texter, putting in the barest of minimum efforts
最终把他引向了死胡同
and ultimately leading him on a road to nowhere.
这份愤怒让他彻底崩溃了
And his fury over that, sent him into a tailspin.
说不定有天我们会线下相见呢?
You know, maybe we'll meet in person one day, right?
会坠入爱河吗?
Would we fall in love?
哈 这恐怕想得太远啦
Why, I think that's a stretch.
不过说不定我们能喝杯咖啡 互相吐槽约会糗事
But maybe we'll get a coffee and commiserate over our dating stories.
然后心满意足地离开 庆幸休战协议达成 最好的情况
We'll leave satisfied, content, that a truce has been called and best case scenario,
甚至还能做朋友
maybe even remain friends.
哦可惜了 这剧可不是这种类型
Oh, unfortunately this isn't that kind of show.
准备登机了 但我会马上回来
Getting ready to board my plane, but I'll be right back.
知道那是什么吗亲爱的? 飞机?
Do you know what that is sweetie? A plane?
有钱人旅行就坐这个
That's what rich people ride when they travel.
我猜你没听说过 让我给你解释
I'm sure you haven't heard of it, so let me explain.
抱歉梅尔文 是时候说再见了
Sorry, Melvin, but it's time to say goodbye.
我的目标已经达成——忽悠你把整个假期
I have reached my goal of manipulating you into wasting your entire vacation
浪费在跟我进行单向辩论上
on having a one-sided argument with me.
但无论如何 别忘了我们共度的特别时光
But whatever you do, don't forget about the special time we shared.
某种程度上
In a way
我无法真正解释...
I cannot truly explain...
我爱你 梅尔文
I love you, Melvin.
然后...
And...
拉黑
Block.
♪ 灰姑娘午夜现原形
♪ Cinderella turns at midnight
♪ 白昼淑女夜判两人 ♪
♪ She's not who she was in daylight ♪
♪ 将她们并排对比
♪ Stand 'em side by side
♪ 个个都天差地别
♪ They all so different
♪ 内心分♥裂♥成两半
♪ Split in two on the inside
♪ 床上杰基尔变海德 ♪
♪ In the bed Jekyll becomes Hyde ♪
♪ 她没告诉你布兰妮没那么单纯吗? ♪
♪ Didn't she tell you Brittany's not that innocent? ♪
♪ 你尝试时 眼神在诉说 ♪
♪ Do you try and your eye says
♪ 你会整夜让我沉醉 ♪
♪ You're gonna gimme up all night ♪
♪ 让我们直奔主题 ♪
♪ Let's get right
♪ 开始驰骋 ♪
♪ Get to drive
♪ 亲爱的 别想太多 ♪