丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

等等 等等
Wait, wait.
好吧
Okay.
那要是我在家遭抢劫后被绑在厨房♥地板上呢?
So, what if I'm bound on my kitchen floor after a home robbery?
你进来发现屋子已经被洗劫一空 但你来也是为了干同样的事
You come in, you see the place is already ransacked, but you're there to do the same thing,
所以只能带走最后剩下的值钱货
so you can only take the only remaining thing of value.
你的钱包
Your wallet.
下次就这么玩
It's hot next time.
对 下次
Yeah, next time.
至于现在 你要完成正事吗?
As for now, are you gonna finish the job?
"丹尼 昨晚和你在一起太美妙了
"Danny, I had an amazing time with you last night.
"说实话 这大概是我
"Honestly, it was probably one
"很久以来经历过最棒的初次约会
"of the best first dates I've had in a very long time.
"希望不会太冒昧
"I hope this isn't too forward,
"但今晚很想再见你
"but I would love to see you again tonight.
"今晚有空共进晚餐吗?"
"Are you free for dinner?"
是不是超棒?
Isn't that amazing?
棒呆了
Amazing.
完美初次约会后的第二天总是最煎熬的
The day after a good first date is always the most stressful.
以我的经验 每10次完美初次约会中只有1次
In my personal experience, only one out of every 10 great first dates ends
不会变成鬼故事
in something other than a ghosting.
我都记不清有多少次约会时
I cannot tell you how many times I have had a date
对方当场约第二场 结果那混♥蛋♥再也没出现过
where they ask me on a second date on the date only to never hear from the motherfucker again.
因为男同都是讨好型人格的自我陶醉狂
And that is, because gay men are people-pleasers and self-involved narcissists,
他们只在乎那种
and they only care about that dopamine hit that you get
知道有人想再见你的多巴胺快♥感♥
when you know someone wants to see you again.
根本不在乎你的真实感受
They don't really care about your actual feelings.
所以我每次约会都秉持着非常健康的心态：
And that is why I always proceed on a date with the very healthy perspective
"你就是个垃圾
of "your a total piece of shit
"你说的话我半个字都不信"
"and I can't trust a thing that comes out of your mouth,"
有本事就用行动推♥翻♥我的看法
and then it is on you to prove me wrong.
我就喜欢你这么直接 今晚很乐意共进晚餐
I appreciate your forwardness and I would love to have dinner with you tonight.
该怎么委婉暗示我想要初次接吻呢?
How do you think I should bake in a hint that I would like a first kiss?
他还没亲你?
He didn't kiss you yet?
没
No.
可你说那是完美初次约会
But you said it was a great first date.
是完美 - 但他没亲你
It was. - But he didn't kiss you.
对
Correct.
你被发朋友卡了
You're getting friend zoned.
难道不该是你 我是说ChatGPT 编点什么
Shouldn't you, and by you, I mean ChatGPT, be drafting something
反正我最后都得扔掉然后自己重写的东西?
that I will inevitably have to throw out and do myself from scratch?
上季我跟他上过床
I fucked him last season.
当时闹得挺大
It was a whole thing.
想过离开纽约吗?
Do you ever see yourself leaving New York?
这个城市?
The city?
不知道
I don't know.
要是十年前问我
If you had asked me 10 years ago,
我肯定会说"门儿都没有"
I would've said, "Hell, no."
但最近确实想要点空间 弄块地 说不定找个地方养老
But I know lately I kind of want some space, some land, maybe get a place to retire to.
我最近也有这种冲动
I've been feeling the itch too.
对小狗崽也挺好
Might be nice for the little pup.
你是在说我还是说狗?
Are you talking about me or the dog?
双份收入可能更容易实现 懂吗?
It might be easier too on a dual income, you know?
看吧凯尔 我可没被发朋友卡
See, Kyle, I'm not getting friend zoned.
你会和普通朋友牵手吗凯尔?
Do you hold hands with your friends, Kyle?
好吧凯尔才二十多岁 估计跟所有朋友都睡过 但你懂我意思
Well, Kyle's in his twenties, so he probably fucks all his friends, but you know what I mean.
到我这个年纪 总不能一直干等着
Well, there comes a time in my life when I'm gonna have to just stop waiting for that
该出手时就出手
and go ahead and live it.
直觉告诉我你不用等太久
Something tells me you won't have to wait too long.
那我到了
Well, this is me.
是啊 到了
Yes, it is.
周末有空吗?
Around this weekend?
为你当然有空
For you, yeah, absolutely.
明天我们再协调时间
Let's coordinate tomorrow.
晚安 帅哥
Goodnight, handsome.
他是在等结婚后才肯吗?
Is he waiting for marriage?
比如要是有人不回我消息
Like, if someone isn't texting me back,
我会等一周 然后发我的标准模板
I will wait a week, and then I'll send my standard,
"嘿混♥蛋♥ 谢谢你玩消失
"Hey, asshole, thanks for ghosting me,
"你这坨不成熟的狗屎"的短♥信♥ 然后拉黑 因为我需要个了结
"you immature piece of shit" message, and then block them, because I'd like closure.
这叫成熟
It's called maturity.
但这次...
But this is...
我他妈真搞不懂这是什么情况
I don't know what the fuck this is.
这不叫玩消失
It's not ghosting.
这是...
It's...
抱歉 不知道下次的约会日期我睡不着 周六如何?
好了 到此为止
All right, that's it.
你可以不亲嘴就睡觉 但我他妈初吻都没献出去就得睡
You're going to bed without that, but I'm expected to go to bed without my first kiss,
眨眼表情
winky face.
接招吧 狗东西
Take that, motherfucker.
♪ 马蒂
♪ Mattie
哟 瞧瞧这是谁来了?
Well, well, well, what do we got here?
看来有人比我先到一步啊
It looks like someone already got to the place before me.
没电视 没电脑...
No TV, no computer...
听好了 老兄
I'll tell you what, bud.
我大老远跑来可不是白忙活的
I didn't come all this way for nothing.
看来他们还是给我留了点儿东西
It looks like they left me something after all.
你点了外卖♥♥?
Did you order takeout?
当然不是
Of course I didn't.
这是某种群P派对吗?
Is this some kind of gang-bang thing?
我不确定今天有心情玩这个
I don't know if I'm in the mood for that today.
我不知道是谁
I don't know who it is.
给我松绑 白♥痴♥
Untie me, you moron.
嘿 怎么了?
Hey, what's up?
嘿抱歉 我完全忘了件事
Hey, sorry, I totally forgot something.
能上来待一小会儿吗?
Can I come up just for a sec?
行啊
Sure.
嗯 我没见过这家伙的照片
Yeah, I haven't seen this guy's pics.
我不知道-- - 闭嘴 进我房♥间
I don't know-- - Shut up and get in my room.
什么? - 躲起来 你这骚货
What? - Hide, you whore.
这是我的爱情机会
This is my chance at love.
哇哦 已经准备睡觉啦
Wow, already dressed for bed, I see.
是啊
Yeah.
我拿了你什么东西吗?
Did I take something of yours?
没 就是忘了给你个东西
No, I just forgot to give you something.
这是我们的初吻
It's our first kiss.
晚安
Goodnight.
不是很甜吗?
Wasn't that sweet?
呃 我很确定自己再也硬不起来了
Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never be hard again.
噢 你真不懂浪漫
Oh, you have no sense of romance.
这绝对行不通
That is never gonna work.
你♥他♥妈♥以为自己在往哪儿走?
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
我这辈子都没这么扫兴过
I have never been less aroused in my entire life.
你想要这些吗?
Do you want those?
好吧 看来你认识个智障小屁孩
Well, I see you know a mentally challenged toddler.
我去了个同性恋万圣节饼干装饰趴
I went to some gay Halloween cookie decorating thing.
好吧 现在我这辈子都没这么扫兴过
Well, now I've never been less aroused in my entire life.
拿去吧
Have them.
我真不该吃零食的
I really shouldn't be snacking.
给老子把饼干吃了!
Eat the fuckin' cookies!
哦 我忘了件事
Oh, I forgot something.
晚点给我发色情短♥信♥啊 骚货
Sext me later, slut.
我可要开始用牙了
I'm gonna start using teeth.
看吧 他只是刚开始有点害羞
See, he was just a little bashful getting started.
他只需要一点点引导
He just needed a little prompting.
我们刚度过了一个美妙的夜晚 看了《变装皇后》还叫了外卖♥♥
We just had a delightful evening of "Drag Race" and takeout.
还有些脚底调情 大量眼神交流 以及一点点摸大腿
And there was a little footsie, a lot of eye contact, a little bit of hands on thighs.
所以我就决定直接骑上去推进关系
And so, I decided to force the issue by just mounting him.
然后就这样了
And here we are.
而现在...
And now...
现在我准备好退出择偶市场
And now I'm primed to be off the market
过上温馨电影夜、去北部度长周末的日子