怪猴（2025）

本来还以为 我们早已熬过至暗时刻
And I guess I hoped we'd Ieft the worst of it behind us.
*卡斯科镇 缅因州-当地人的故乡！
你要脱掉西装吗 比尔
You going to take off your suit, Bill?
如果我脱掉 那等到下一次葬礼 我又得把它穿回去
lf I take it off, then I'll have to put it back on as soon as there's another funeral.
但如果我不脱 那我就不用重新再穿了
But if I don't take it off, then I won't have to put it back on.
那也就不会有更多的葬礼了
So there won't be any more funerals.
好好睡吧 你们俩
Sleeve tight, you two!
你♥他♥妈♥为什么把它带来了
Why the hell did you bring it?
我没有 我把它砍碎了
I didn't. I chopped it up.
看起来可不像被砍碎的
Don't look chopped up to me.
比尔 我跟你说
l'm telling you, Bill,
那是一个坏猴子
it's a bad monkey.
是一个邪恶的 带有魔法的 杀人的猴子
lt's a bad, magic, killer monkey.
你觉得它杀了保姆安妮吗
You think it killed Babysitter Annie?
也许吧
Maybe.
大概吧 我不知道
Probably, I don't know.
我本来要娶那个女孩的
I was going to marry that girl.
我知道你要娶她 比尔
I know you were, Bill
要不咱们故意试试 看还能克死几个熟人
We should try it on purpose to see if anyone else we know dies.
要是它找上我们中的一个怎么办？
what if it gets one of us?
那我保证你死了我会假装难过
Then I promise to pretend to be sad when you're dead.
是啊 我也是
Yeah, me too.
你觉得转动钥匙的人会不会死
You think it could kill the person who turns the key or not?
我怎么知道
How the hell should I know?
你觉得是妈妈转动的吗
Do you think Mom turned it?
我要试试
I'm gonna try it.
别啊 比尔
Don't, Bill
那是一场狩猎事故
lt was a hunting accident.
不过不是普通的那种
But not the usual kind.
奇普叔叔在露营时被67匹野马 踩死在睡袋里
Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of 67 wild horses in his sleeping bag on a camping trip.
我听殡仪馆的人说过 当他们把尸体弄出来的时候
I overheard the undertaker say that, when they dumpe the body out,
那看起来就像有人把一个樱桃派踢飞了
it looked Iike someone had drop- kicked a cherry pie
我不太在意奇普叔叔走了
I don't mind much that Uncle Chip's gone.
他本来就有点讨人厌
He was kind of an asshole.
我更在意的是 还好死的不是我
I just mind more that I feel pretty good it wasn't me.
但这事必须得做 你知道的
But it's got to be done, you know?
得防着点 不能让它落到那些用了就爽翻天的人手里
To keep it away from the people who might feel really good about using it.
比如纳粹和俄♥国♥人 还有“伊朗人”之类的
The Nazis, and Russians, and Iran- keys and whatnot.
我们知道它没法被销毁 所以希望或许能控制住它
We knew that it couldn't be destroyed, so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.
还是扔掉算了
Just get rid of it
让它彻底消失
Make it go the fuck away.
而且很长一段时间里 它看起来好像真的消失了
And for a long time, anyway, it really seemed like it had.
*医用酒精
自从我们把它扔到井里后 我就再也没见过那只猴子
I haven't seen the monkey since we threw it down the well,
但我感觉它迟早会回来
but it feels like only a matter of time before it comes back.
这就是我现在的样子
This is me today
我和比尔几乎完全失去了联♥系♥ 我对此并不在意
I pretty much Iost all contact with Bill and I'm good with that
他本来就不是什么好入
He was kind of an asshole anyways
我没有朋友 也尽量远离家人
I don't have any friends, and I do my best to stay away from family,
生怕那只猴子回来后 会伤害我身边的人
for fear that if the monkey returns, it'll kill someone close to me.
*《为人父VII》
但远离家人
But staying away from family?
说得容易做起来难
That's easier said than done.
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck your mother!
嘿 达维恩
Hey, Dwayne.
哦 伙计 进来吧 进来吧
Oh, manl Come in, come in.
不用了 不用了 我今天得早点走
Oh, no, it's cool. I gotta run early today.
得去接我儿子
I gotta pick up my kid.
等等 你有孩子了
Wait, you got a kid?
哦 天啊 这可太糟糕了
Shit, man, that sucks.
他和你住在一起吗
Does it live with you?
不 他没有
Uh, no, no he doesn't,
但我每年能见他一次
but I get to see him once a year,
所以我打算带他去恐怖天堂
so I'm taking him to Horror Heaven.
嗯
Yeah.
坐坐过山车之类的吧
Roller coasters, I guess.
一年一次
Once a year?
哦 天呐 这太糟糕了
Shit, man, that sucks.
我猜你前妻肯定是个超级泼妇 对吧
I bet your ex- wife's some type of mega bitch, huh?
对不对
Huh?
哦 不是一年见一次是我自己提出来的
Oh! No, the once- a- year thing, that was my idea.
结果我发现我是个坏榜样 你知道吧
lt turns out I'm kind of a bad influence, you know.
"麻烦精来了”
"Here comes trouble. "
谁啊 你
Who, you?
不是你想的那样
lt's not like, you know,
我看到了一匹白马 上面坐着一个苍白的骑手 那骑手的名字
I beheld a pale horse, and on it was a pale rider, and the rider's name was
你知道 叫死亡
You know, Death.
不过
But, uh
是啊 确实有点死亡的气息
Yeah, there has been some death.
该死 伙计 这太糟糕了
Shit, man, that sucks.
拜托
Come on.
太兴奋了
Too sprung.
*祝你生日快乐到穿越星辰
亲爱的
Love.
哈尔
Hal.
该死
Fuck.
*爱你的 哈尔（爸爸）
*《家庭中的男性成员》《上帝啊 老爸》《为人父VII》《爹汁》
我感受到那种父母的能量 从你转移到我身上了
Feel that parental energy transferred from you to me.
佩迪最近越来越频繁地问起你 哈尔
Petey's been asking about you more and more, Hal.
这让我们很难受
And it's breaking our hearts.
关于我吗
About me?
关于我什么 为什么
What about me? Why
因为你是他的父亲
Because you're his father.
他正在做一个家族树的学校作业
And he's doing a family tree school project.
不管你愿不愿意 你也是其中的一个分支
And like it or not, you're one of the branches.
听着 我
Look, l-
我在乎佩迪 真的
I care about Petey. I do
我真的
Like, l
我在乎他 非常非常在乎
I care about him a lot. Like, a lot.
非常在乎
Lot.
刚才 当我们一起坐在沙发上时
Just now, when we were on the couch together,
我吸收了你的能量
I took your power.
等等 我可没说你可以吸收我的能量
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said you could take my power.
那不重要
lt doesn't matter anymore.
泰德决定要收养佩迪
Ted has decided to Iegally adopt Petey.
什么
What?
待收养程序最终生效
And once the adoption's finalized,
你和佩迪的见面许可将自动解除
it won't be necessary for you to see Petey at all.
你们不能擅作主张
But you can't just do that.
你们没这个权力
You can't just do that.
作为本领域的首席专家
As the leading expert in my field
我无权决定吗
Can't l?
听着
Listen,
这是你和佩迪最后的共处时间
you and Petey have this time.
好好把握这一周
So just take the week.
制♥造♥些温馨回忆
Lock in some nice memories,
然后干净利落地
and then cleanly cut it off.
像切除阑尾那样断干净
Like a vestigial tale.
这就是你想要的
That's what you want,
不是吗 -不
isn't it? - No.
这不是我想要的
lt's not what I want.
我想花时间和佩迪在一起
I want to spend time with Petey.
只是 你知道
lt's just, you know
切阑尾是什么比喻
vestigial.
这个词的意思是指那些已经失去了功能
lt means something that has become functionless
因此不再被需要的东西
and as a result is no longer necessary.
我知道它的意思 泰德 -我相信你知道
I know what it means, Ted. - l'm sure you do.
我知道
l do.
我现在有了你为人父的权利 所以
Well, I have your power, so...
我进来的时候在你的一丛灌木里撒尿了 所以
Well, Ipeed in one of your bushes on the way in, so.
好了 我建议我们通过扳手腕来解决
Well, this is the part where I suggest that we arm wrestle.
什么
What?