怪猴（2025）

或者说一切都不是意外
Or nothing is an accident.
无论哪种 都一样
Either way. Same thing.
这不关乎“是不是”
lt's not if.
甚至无关“如何”
or even how.
只是时间问题
lt's only when.
每个人都会死
Everybody dies.
这就是生活
And that's life.
我会死
I'lI die.
而你们俩
And you
也都会死
will both die.
还有你们所有的朋友 他们的父母他们的宠物 所有人
And all of your friends and their parents and all of their pets and everybody.
有一些人在睡梦中安然离开
Some of us peacefully in our sleep.
而有一些则
And some of us.
死的相当惨烈
horribly, violently.
被晾衣绳绑起来
Tied up with clothesline.
被胶带封住嘴尖叫 诸如此类
Screaming through duct tape over our mouths and all that jazz.
去他的吧
And hell with it.
来吧 我们去跳舞
Come on, let's go dancing.
可能是在葬礼那天
lt might have been on the day of the funeral,
但那大概是我一生中最快乐的日子
but that probably was the happiest day of my life.
世事转变得如此之快 真是讽刺
lt's funny how quickly that can change.
嘿 孩子
Hey, kid.
你哥说你♥爸♥抛妻弃子
Your brother says your dad left your mom.
他跑去法国巴黎买♥♥烟
Lit out to Paris, France, to buy cigarettes
因为你是个又肥又胖的孩子 总是哭闹
because you were a big, fat baby who cried all the time.
朋友 难道你妈不值得更好的吗
And man, don't your mom deserve better?
我是说 难道她不配吗
I mean, don't she?
哦 我猜这意味着你妈妈现在
Oh, so I guess that means your mom
要在家里当家做主了 是吧
will be wearing the pants in the house now, huh?
我觉得是这样吧
I think that's how it works, yeah?
喔 可是
Aw, but.
看 你穿着裤子呢
See, you're wearing pants.
但一个家里可不能有两个人
And two people can't be wearing the pants in the house
同时穿着裤子（当家做主）啊
at the same time.
所以小子 看来你这裤子穿着不太合适
So, looks like you got yourself a bit of a pants problem, kid.
亲爱的 我在做花生果酱三明治
Honey, l'm making PB and J.
哦 哦 怎么了
Oh, oh, what?
我怎么样
How am I?
哦 我挺好
Oh, I'm great.
我喜欢整天照顾我的两个儿子
I love slaving over my two sons all day long.
妈妈
Mom!
怎么了
Yeah?
你为什么把爸爸的怪猴子放在我们房♥间里啊
Why'd you put Dad's weird monkey in our room?
自从我发现你屋里的袜子都硬了之后 我就再也没进去过了
You know I don't go in there anymore since I found that stiff sock.
哦 好吧
Oh yeah.
我保姆的脑袋跟你没关系吧
You didn't have anything to do with my babysitter's head, right?
那就像
That'd be like-
嘿
Yol
你真的喜欢上这玩意儿了啊
You really got the hots for that thing, huh?
我没有
l don'
没关系
lt's all good.
这个可以给你
You can have it but
但你得说你想娶它
all you gotta do is say you wanna marry it.
我不想娶它
I don't wanna marry it.
说 我想当笨猴夫人
Say, I wanna be Mrs Stupid Monkey.
我想当笨猴夫人
I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.
现在说
Now say
我想舔它的香蕉
I wanna suck its banana
不 比尔 不行
No, Bill. No.
快说 不然我就把你剩下的胎盘都吃掉 贱♥人♥
Say it, or I'll eat the rest of your placenta, bitch!
我想舔它的香蕉
I wanna suck its banana.
好
Alright.
成交
We have a deal
怪猴你的了
You have the monkey.
到了12岁和15岁 阴♥茎♥就有了自己的生命
This 12 and 15, the penis takes on a life of its owh
对身体和情感的喘息变得很敏感
and becomes sensitive to physical and emotional respite.
此时异性既令人神往又使人恐惧
Around this time, the opposite sex becomes both appealing and horrifying,
既代表着母亲原型带来的安全感 又如同性无能者张开的吞噬之口
representing both the comfort of the mother archetype and the devouring mouth of the impotent.
哟 托伦斯夫人
Yo, Mrs. Torrancel
谢伯恩在办公桌下面撸猴撸得怎么样了
How's Shelburn's jerking his monkey under his desk?
亲爱的 我在做黑暗料理
Honey, I'm making devil's food.
我他妈一点也不想吃
L don't fucking want any!
注意你的言辞
Language!
谁会这样跟妈妈说话呀
Who talks to their mother like that?
你是船厂的水手吗
What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?
你这家伙
You
都是因为你 混♥蛋♥比尔才这样对我
lt's because of you that deadbeat Bill did this to me.
你知道我说的是谁吧
You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
那个和我住在一起的贱小孩
That asshole kid who Iives in here with me.
那就是比尔
That's Bill
你还想知道别的吗
You want to know something else?
我希望比尔去死
I wish Bill was dead.
嘿 妈妈 你在家吗
Hey mom, you home?
晚餐好了吗
ls dinner ready?
妈妈
Mom?
妈妈
Mom
还没做好吗
Not even making it yet?
什么情况
What the fuck? l
妈妈
Mommvl
医生们称我妈妈的病为“弹簧型动脉瘤”
The doctors called what happened to my mom a boomerang aneurysm.
可只有我知道到底是怎么回事
But I was the only one who knew what it really was.
他们说 得这个病的几率是四千四百万分之一
They said chances of it happening were 1 in 44 million.
这只是一种委婉的方式
And that's just another way to say...
总有人会遇到这种情况
lt has to happen to somebody.
它是这样运作的
And that's how it works
转动钥匙 鼓槌就会抬起
You turn the key and the drumsticks go up
当它选择下一个要杀的人时 它们就会再次落下
They come down again when i chooses who it wants to kil next
它不接受请求
It doesn't take requests.
它想杀谁就杀谁
lt kills who it wants when it feels like it.
它从不会给你一个解释
And it doesn't owe you an explanation.
包装盒上写的是真的
lt's true what it says on the box.
真的是栩栩如生
lt's just like life.
孩子 也许
Son, perhaps it's best-
闭嘴
Shut upl
嘿 妈妈
Hey, Mom.
妈妈 醒醒
Mom, wake up.
妈妈
Mom?
哈 哈 哈
Ha ha ha!
妈妈 你这玩笑开的真大
Mom, that's a funny joke.
妈妈
Mom
好吧 你可以继续了
Okay, you can keep talking.
哦 你是那个弟弟
Oh, you're a brother.
你知道 你姑妈艾达和奇普叔叔我
You know, your Aunt lda and your Uncle Chip.
一直都不想要孩子
never wanted kids.
不
No.
我们就爱过这种每天躺平
Always just kind of prefer to life where you sit down
起身全凭乐意的日子
and you don't stand up again until you want to.
还有 我们是开放式关系 但
Also, we're swingers, but
哦 好吧
Oh well.
我想让你知道
I want you to know
我们会全力以赴的来照顾你们
We're going to do our very best with you boys.
只是我们的全力以赴
lt's just that our very, best might be, uh.
可能相当不咋地
Pretty bad.
什么情况
What the fuck?
我把那些碎片装进了一个垃圾袋 并确保它被垃圾车运走
I put the pieces in a garbage bag and made sure it got on the garbage truck.
我以为这样就结束了
And I assumed that would be the end of it.
但在那之后
But after that,
我和比尔就再也不是从前的自己了
Bill and I were never the same.
我是说 我们看起来还是一样 因为我们是双胞胎 你知道我的意思
I mean, we looked the same because we were twins, and, well, you know what I mean.
艾达姑姑和奇普叔叔来接走了我和比尔 然后把我们带到了缅因州
Aunt lda and Uncle Chip picked up Bill and me and moved us to Maine.